You Were Good, Then You Were Gone
by NALEY23alwaysforever
Summary: What happens when Erin Lindsay comes back after three years? Will Jay finally be able to let go of the past? Will they be able to move forward, or will they crash and burn? Title inspired by Jimmy Eat World's song :)
1. It could have been, but never was

**A/N: Welcome to my new story! I've literally not slept the entire night (it's 6am now) so please excuse any spelling mistakes but I was so excited to get this out :)**

 **Enjoy!**

A lot can happen in three years. For Erin Lindsay, a lot of the things that happened since moving to New York were good. The fresh start was exactly what she had needed, to be free from her past and her mother.

For Jay Halstead, time seemed to have frozen since that cold night that Erin left Chicago, and him, forever. He threw himself into his work, but even that couldn't distract him from the constant ache in his heart.

Erin had thrived in her new work environment. She didn't have the same familial attachments to her unit in Chicago, and it made it easier for her to separate her work from her personal life. Her new boss, Sergeant Tuckson had taken an instant liking to Erin, seeing parts of herself in the young detective's tenacity and perseverance. Along with Sergeant Benson, Jane Tuckson had become a confidant to Erin. A role model to guide her, something she desperately needed when she first came to New York.

Jay was stuck. Voight had given him several opportunities to move units, to take over Intelligence, to advance his career. But Jay wasn't ready, and Hank understood. Things hadn't been the same since that night and he knew that he couldn't do anything to help the young detective move on. Every night Jay went back home to the same quiet home, the same key laying on the coffee table, the same empty bed. His friends had tried to get him out of his funk, but after a few months they learnt it was best to leave him be. He still hung out with them, still laughed at their jokes and drank with them at Molly's; but everyone who knew him could tell that Jay Halstead was broken. And the only person who could fix him was a 12 hours 38 minutes car ride away.

LINSTEAD

"Lindsay! Jones!" Sergeant Tuckson yelled through the office "I've got an assignment for you."

"Just us?" Erin asked confused. Usually their whole team was involved in their cases, even the UC ones.

"You're needed at another unit. They think Jonathan Haynes has started selling there, and they need people that are already familiar with the case to help them out." The woman explained.

Erin and her partner shared a sigh. Jonathan Haynes was an up and coming drug dealer, specialising in his own unique brand of Molly. The drugs were laced with a poisonous hallucogenic which PD hadn't been able to distinguish yet. He had started off in New York, but it seemed he had decided to take his business to a more profitable area.

"We got this Sarge." Detective Jones replied "where are we headed?"

Erin felt a nervous stir in the pit of her stomach as her boss looked her in the eye.

"You're being sent to the 21st district's Intelligence unit of the Chicago P.D."

"Jane, I -" Erin began.

"Their boss has requested my best UC's Erin. You and Jones are the best ewuipped to handle this." Sargent Tuckson replied "pack your bags Lindsay, you're headed home."

 **A/N: so this isn't going to be a long story, maybe 5-10 chapter max! I've had this story idea in my head since the finale and I've finally gotten time to write it so I wanted to post it asap before I changed anything else and ended up back in the writing phase for another two weeks :P**

 **I promise Jay won't be as sappy and pathetic as I made him sound haha but he is hurt and that's something Erin has to deal with. I really want to explore the ramifications her leaving without any word to him may have.**

 **Hope you all enjoyed and please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

 **Maddie :)**


	2. It's been a wild ride, in our reunion

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm really looking forward to write this story I've got an idea of what I want to do but I'm not 100% Sure so I'm excited for how this plays out :)**

 **Enjoy!**

 _"You're being sent to the 21st district's Intelligence unit of the Chicago P.D."_

 _"Jane, I -" Erin began._

 _"Their boss has requested my best UC's Erin. You and Jones are the best equipped to handle this." Sargent Tuckson replied "pack your bags Lindsay, you're headed home."_

Erin sighed as she stared down at her iPhone's email app, a new email pulled up with Hank's email address in the recipient's box. Should she let him know she was coming? Surely he would've been informed. But does everyone else?

"Babe, chill out." Erin's partner, Eric Jones, said "We're about to take-off, so if you're sending your pseudo-father an email you better be quick. I don't need your fucking phone being the reason the whole plane goes down."

Erin rolled her eyes at her partner. He reminded her so much of J-

 _'No'._ She told herself _'We're not doing this. Not now. You have a job to do, he probably isn't even in IU anymore anyways.'_

But a little part of her hoped he was. It had been three years, but she couldn't imagine him anywhere else than with their family. Then again, three years ago she thought the same thing for herself.

"Good morning and welcome to your American Airlines flight to Chicago. We are now preparing for takeoff, please ensure all mobile devices are switched off or to flight mode..." the air hostess began to announce over the intercom and Erin sighed swiping her task bar up and clicking the aeroplane mode.

Looks like she was going the surprise visit route.

LINSTEAD

Jay groaned as he trudged towards his front door, the incessant pounding only getting louder the longer he waited.

"I'm coming! Geez." He yelled out annoyed.

He opened the door and was met with th face of his older brother.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Jay grumbled.

Will emphasised his smile further "Well hello to you too sunshine."

Jay rolls his eyes and watched his brother push his way into his apartment, passing him a coffee on his way. Jay took a welcome sip of the hot beverage, allow the coffee to electrify his bloodstream.

"So how have you been?" Will asked sitting down at the breakfast bar.

"Same as always Will." Jay replied dryly.

"Any good cases you're working? How's Burgess and Ruzek doing after the honeymoon? Has anyone won the bet yet! I've got them down for next week so if you can try and-"

"Will!" Jay snapped cutting off his brother "I appreciate the small talk, but its too early in the morning for your nervous rambling. You came to talk to me about something, so talk."

"Well ... I kinda need to ask you for something. I know technically I gave it to you but things didn't work out. And I've been trying to bring it up for a few months now and -"

"Will." Jay cut him off again, his tone of voice warning his brother to hurry up "I have to get to work in an hour so if you could pull your foot out of your mouth and tell me what you want I'd appreciate it."

"I need Mum's ring!" Will blurted out.

Jay felt his ache at the words. He knew it would happen one day. She had left, and he never wanted to give the ring to anyone else. But still, knowing that last bit of hope was gone hurt him more than he thought."

"I know you found your girl first, but you never got to give it to Erin. And I'm not trying to be insensitive, honestly, but I'd just really like Nat to have Mum's ring."

"It's fine." Jay said monotonously.

Will frowned "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel you have to, I mean technically it's yours and -"

"Will. Mum would want this. That ring deserves to be worn, not kept away in the back of my sock drawer."

"Yeah ... Are you okay though?" Will asked putting his hand in his brother's shoulder.

"I'm alright Will, really." Jay smiled "hopefully Nat says yes now."

Will chuckled "I hope so. We've been dating for two years now. It feels right you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Jay smiled wistfully "I'll go and get the ring for you." He choked out before rushing to his room.

"Shit." Will muttered as he watched Jay's retreating figure.

He looked around the apartment while he waited for Jay to return. Nothing had really changed in the past three years. The apartment or Jay. Will tried to get him out of his funk, but Jay was content with the way he was living. It never affected his work, not his brotherly duties to Will or his uncle duty with Owen. For the most part, Jay Halstead seemed like the happy-go-lucky detective he always was. It was only those close to him who saw that light inside him dim a little the day Erin left.

"Here you go." Jay said placing the ring box in Will's hand before hugging him tightly "I'm happy for you Will. Really."

"Thanks Jay." Will whispered "I wish it wasn't like this you know."

Jay pulled back from the hug and smiled sadly "I know. Me too."

LINSTEAD

Jay walked into the intelligence unit at 8:30am sharp, 30 minutes before everyone else. It had become his routine over the past three years, he was the second person to clock in - behind Hank - and would be the last to clock out. The job became his main priority.

After the events of this morning, he had seriously considered staying home, but he knew he needed to keep going. He couldn't allow that darkness to swallow him up. Not again.

He walked straight into Voight's office and placed the fresh coffee cup on his desk as he did every morning before turning to head back to his desk.

"How are you doing today Jay?" Voight's gruff voice broke out.

Jay gave a cocky look to his Sargeant "you ask me this every morning Hank, how long are we gonna keep doing this?"

"When you stop giving me a bullshit answer." Voight replied "You and I both know you're anything but fine. You haven't been for a long time."

"I work just as well as any other member of this unit, I've put in more time than-" Jay started but Hank stopped him.

"I'm not talking about your performance at work and you know it." He said staring Jay down "Halstead, in the past three years I'd like to think we've grown a lot, to a place where I'd consider you my family."

"I agree Hank." Jay said confused. Where the hell was he going with this?

Hank looked to the clock on his desk. One hour left.

"Do you remember that night I found you here?" Voight asked.

Jay nodded silently and Hank could sense his discomfort. He didn't want to relive that night. Ever.

"You remember what I told you?"

"Sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that's good enough." Jay replied.

"You've been doing that pretty well the past three years Jay. But it's not good enough anymore. You're trying to convince everyone it is, but somewhere along the way you stopped living your life."

"... I'm doing the best I can Hank. I don't know what more you guys want from me." Jay said annoyed. It felt like he was having the same conversations on repeat today.

"We're just worried Jay." Hank sighed "Look, have you thought anymore about my proposition?"

"I'm not moving Hank." Jay said stubbornly "not from my house. Not from my team. What is it with everyone today? I swear if I didn't know better I'd think you and Will were conspiring against me."

"Calm down Halstead, no one's conspiring. I just thought a change of scenery would do you good. It's only a three week thing, Narcotics just needs some help with their case and since you've had some experience with them I thought you'd be a perfect fit."

"Why are you so adamant on me not being here all of a sudden?" Jay exclaimed "you're always saying that in this unit, we're a family."

"we are." Voight agreed.

"Well I'm not leaving the family. I've lost enough already."

Hank sighed raising his hands up in defeat "alright. Sorry."

Jay took a deep breath closing his eyes before looking back at his sargeant.

"I'm gonna go catch up on my work before everyone gets here."

He was at the doorway again when he stopped, turning to face Voight again. He wanted to tell him everything; that he knew his boss was worried about him, that he felt incomplete, that there had been an Erin shaped hole in his heart for the past three years and he couldn't see it ever going away. That he was stuck.

But instead he simply said "Thank you Hank."

Voight gave a small smile and a nod before going back to his work and Jay sat at the desk beginning filling out his forms, staring across at Upton's desk. He sighed as he thought back to that night, the memories flooding his body against his will.

He wasn't sure he should be here today. But just as he was going to go back into Hank's office and ask for the day off, he heard a pair of voices from the stairs.

"Ruzek I'm not naming my baby after a WWE wrestler!"

Jay chucked at Kim's exclamation as she waddled up the stairs, her 9 month pregnant belly proving to be difficult to manoeuvre.

She and Ruzek had finally got married two months ago. Burgess hadn't wanted Adam to feel pressured into marrying her simply because he was pregnant, even though he had tried to reassure her that wasn't the case. They had been engaged for almost three years, but this time it was Burgess who was dragging her feet. Adam didn't pressure her, wanting to prove to Kim that he would be there no matter how long she wanted to wait. She had been scared that history would repeat itself and therefore tried to avoid planning anything just in case.

Surprisingly, it had been Jay who finally convinced her to take the plunge.

 _"You know you can't keep doing this to yourself." Kim sighed as she wiped Jay's forehead with a warm washcloth. Adam was situated in the living room cleaning up all the whiskey and beer bottles that had been left from the past nights._

 _"I don't get it Kim. Why won't she call or text? I just want a reason. I just want to know why she didn't say goodbye." Jay said sadly as he sat against the cold hard tiles of his bathroom wall._

 _"I know you do." She whispered in return._

 _"...Adam's a good guy Kim." Jay said suddenly "don't worry about the past so much. You two found your way back to each other, so don't question whether he wants to be with you or not."_

 _Kim sighed "he told you he proposed, didn't he?"_

 _Jay nodded silently "don't take the time you have together for granted. God knows I wouldn't have if I knew what was coming."_

He and Kim had grown pretty close since then. She'd been there to help him, along with the rest of their friends, but Kim was constantly calling and checking in on him. She made sure he had food at the house and that he got home safely those first few months after Erin had left. He would've been annoyed if he didn't find it so touching that she cared that deeply.

Part of him thought it was because Kim has been friends with Erin and wanted to do it out of a sense of obligation, but the bubbly rookie had assured him that she considered him as much a part of her family as every other member of the intelligence unit, and that she knew what a broken heart felt like. She didn't think anyone should have to go through that alone, and Jay was forever grateful for it.

"What's this about WWE?" Jay asked as Adam and Kim sat down at their respective desks.

"He wants to name our child after John Cena! I'm not naming my child after a fucking _wrestler!_ " Kim huffed dropping into her chair.

"Jonathan's a nice name!" Ruzek argued.

Kim glared at him "We are _not_ naming our child after a wrestler Adam!"

"Okay." Jay interrupted "How about the two of our make a list or something? Surely you'll find a name you two have in common on the list."

They were both quiet for a moment before Kim sighed and nodded her head. Jay let out a chuckle as Adam rolled his eyes behind his wife's back and stood up to get coffee, Jay walked over to Kim's desk and crouched down so he was at eye level.

"You ok?" He asked placing a hand on her knee

"I'm sick of being pregnant!" Kim whined "I miss being able to work. I just sit around here and play angry birds half the time!"

Ruzek came back out and placed a green tea on her desk before standing behind Kim and softly rubbing her shoulders.

"Kimberley, you know you love being pregnant." Jay said in a mock seriousness "Neither of us can possibly imagine how hard it is, but you're a strong person. You can do it."

Kim felt tears brimming her eyes and she sniffled as Jay reached up to wipe them with a chuckle.

"Stupid hormones." She said with a smile

Adam smiled and reached down to kiss the crown of her head "I'll start making my list tonight okay? We can go over them in a week's time. How about that?"

Kim nodded and reached up to cuphis cheek as she turned in her chair to face him "I'm sorry I was so mean this morning."

Adam chuckled softly and kissed her again "you're carrying our baby the least I can do is let you yell at me every once in a while."

Jay stepped back slowly and headed back to his desk, letting thencouple have their moment. He plonked back down in his seat, his eyes moving across the bullpen to stare at the empty space from which she used to stare back at him.

Jay looked at the clock once more. 30 more minutes until everyone came into the bullpen. He took a deep breath to settle his emotions and then got stuck into his paperwork.

"Alright!" Hank said as he walked into the bullpen "thanks for coming earlier. I know you guys have your family and stuff in the morning so I appreciate it."

"No worries Sarge." Antonio said.

Since Erin's departure had left them one member short, Antonio had offered to come back until they found a replacement but had fallen back in love with his work in intelligence and the transfer became permamnent.

"So what was the reason for the early call in?" Atwater asked from his desk.

"The case we've been working, I spoke with the New York Sargent and she's agreed to loan us two of her best detectives for the case. They should be here in the next couple hours."

"That's good. We could use some fresh eyes on all the info we've gained, and they already know the preexisting evidence so it saves us time." Alvin pointed out.

"You're right. But, uh, there is something that you all need to know." He started to say, turning his head to make eye contact with Jay who frowned as his Sargeant spoke. Hank never stumbled, he never was at a loss of words. He was direct and to the point.

"The detectives are -"

"Sargent!" Trudy Platt yelled as he walked up the stairs, and the entire unit could read the nervous and shocked look on her face "I have a delivery for you."

Hank watched as two people trudged up the stairs behind Platt, each pulling a small suitcase with them. Her face was covered by the hair that was falling from her ponytail as she looked down at her suitcase while she pulled it up the last step. And when he heard Jay's intake of breath, he knew.

"Erin." His words were soft, but her body's rigid posture indicated to everyone that she'd heard him.

Jay had watched as she pulled her dark brunette hair back from her face, her eyes taking in everyone's before she looked at him. He knew it was her before she even looked up - after all, they had shared a bed, and their hearts, for the better half of two years.

He could feel the unit's eyes on him as he took a sharp breath, his body felt like it was on fire just from seeing her. He didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to believe that she was here.

And suddenly Hank's words this morning made sense. And, the more he stared at her, the more he was beginning to think that his Sargent was right.

Maybe he should've stayed home today.


	3. Guide me, give me your strength

**A/N: Hey guys! Thank you so much for you reviews! For everyone asking about whether Jay will forgive Erin quickly, I'm trying to draw that out - but this story is not so much about forgiveness but Erin earning Jay's trust again and them sort of figuring things out as to why Erin left without goodbye and everything.**

 **And for those asking about the partner, don't fret, all will be revealed haha**

 **I'm trying to show both POVs without using first person, so some scenes may overlap in terms of what's happening.**

 **NOTE: Italics in apostrophes are character thoughts. Also the Linebreak isn't working so anywhere it says**

 **~ You Were Good ~ is a linebreak :)**

 **Enjoy!**

"Erin."

She heard his voice before she saw him, and her whole body stilled. She had hoped he wouldn't be here. That just maybe, he had left too. She didn't know if she was ready for this, but she had to look up at some point.

"Detectives Lindsay and Jones will be helping us out on our case, they're on an indefinite loan from the New York Narcotics Unit."

"Nice to meet you all." Eric said with a smile.

The unit all said a polite 'hello' back, before turning to Erin.

She smiled nervously, her hands fiddling with the keys in her hand "Missed me?"

Kim was the first to stand up, engulfing Erin in a hug "Definitely. It's good to see you Erin."

"You too Kim." She said softly, her hands dropping down to Kim's belly "And there's a lot more of you to see now."

"That would be my fault." Adam said from his desk.

Erin nodded, smirking at Kim "About time."

Antonio stood up next, followed by Olinsky, both offering Eric a handshake before turning to give Erin a quick hug.

Erin's eyes refocused on the desk they had been at before, frowning in confusion when there was no where there.

The guys saw him first, and all started walking one by one to the break room before Kim stopped them "I got it. Why don't you catch Jones and Lindsay up?"

Jay had watched as Kim had stood up to hug Erin, the rest of the guys standing up and getting ready to move towards her. His vision of her was obstructed, but he spied Hank staring at him and he signalled his head towards his Sergeant's office. They both quietly retreated into the room, Jay shutting the door behind him.

"Is this why you didn't want me here?" Jay exclaimed the minute the door clicked shut "How could you do that!?"

"Jay." Hank sighed sitting down in his chair "It's not like that."

"The hell it's not." He hissed "How could you? How could you not tell me she was coming back?"

"You were finally doing well Jay!" Hank argued "When Erin left, you went down a landslide. You and I both now that Erin left a void inside of you. And even now, it's still there. I just thought the change of scenery would do you some good, I was always going to tell you she was here. But I knew working with her might be hard for you."

"It wasn't your choice to make Hank." Jay shook his head, walking out the door and into the break room.

He took a few deep breaths, his hands bracing himself against the counter as he tried to focus. Erin was back. She was here, in their unit, in Chicago.

He vaguely heard a knock on the door and he prepared himself for if it was her, but the soft hand stroking down his back in a calming manner wasn't her touch.

"Hey." Kim's voice spoke softly "How are you feeling?"

" ... I don't know Kim. I just don't understand. Why wouldn't she say she was coming? Why wouldn't Hank!?"

Kim shrugged, turning Jay's body so he was turning to look at her "I don't have the answers for you bud. And I think you know that until you talk to Erin, you're never going to know."

Jay shook his head "I'm not ready Kim."

"Dammit Jay." Kim sighed "You've been waiting three years for this moment. You've sat in the apartment with me and Adam, drunk off your ass, telling me how much you wished she'd call or text or just let you know she was okay. But she's here, now. You _need_ that closure Jay, you _deserve_ it. And Erin's the only one you're going to get it from. You have to talk to her."

Jay nods his head "Just ... Give me a little time."

"Alright." Kim says pulling him in for a hug "You know you're family, right? I know Erin and I were close but ... If you need anything, don't hesitate."

Jay smiled at Kim's words "You're going to make a great mother Kim." he whispered squeezing her tighter.

~ You Were Good ~

Erin watched as Jay and Kim spoke in the break room. She may not have been able to hear them, but she could see the emotions spreading through him just from his stance and the look on his face when he turned to face Kim.

She couldn't help the jealousy that ran through her when Kim pulled him into a hug. Which she knew was ridiculous. _'He's not yours anymore. He can hug whoever he wants. She's just his friend anyways.'_

"Alright." Hank said, breaking Erin's attention away from the case file as Kim and Jay emerged from the break room "I understand that this is a bit unexpected, and I'm sorry I didn't let you all know earlier..." she watched as he eyed Jay in particular "But we have a case to solve. So let's keep our emotions for outside of work hours, okay?"

"Yes sir." Jay was the first to agree, his eyes avoiding contact with her.

"Okay. Lindsay, Jones. What do you have for us?" Hank said focusing his attention on her.

Erin shrugged "not much that you don't already know." She wakes towards the point and began pointing at the map of New York that Mouse had printed out for them and stuck on the board.

"Jonathan Haynes started in Alabama, and slowly made his way to New York. He was there for six years, until Jones and I went undercover last September. Unfortunately, Haynes somehow found out that the cops were onto him and packed up as soon as. We hadn't been able to get a location on him until now."

"And the Molly he's selling, its laced with something?" Adam asked.

"He calls it 'Kiss'. Forensics haven't been able to get a solid sample of it before, but the traces found in victims were enough to show up on the Toxicology. The autopsy states that the examiner _assumes_ its PCP, but can't be sure until she had an actual sample to test it against."

"Kiss? Seriously?" Antonio said, confusion on his face.

Erin rolled her eyes "apparently it's because the emphatic abilities of the user are heightened, and people that are on it tend to ... well, kiss, and then some." She finished awkwardly.

"Why does she assume PCP?" Jay asked, still staring down at his folder.

Erin froze momentarily, not expecting him to even utter a word to her. Jones saw the distressed look on her face and jumped in.

"PCP is common in New York, it's easy to supply to anyone who needs it, and the effects that witnesses said the victims were under all align with both PCP and Molly; euphoria, heightened sensations, dissociative. There's not another drug that we know of that has this close a match to the side-effects."

Jay nodded his head, looking up to Meet Eric's eyes before looking back at the board. Erin shook her head.

 _'I guess this is how it's going to be.'_

~ You Were Good ~

Erin sighed as she packed up her things into her bag for the night. The team had been working late into the night, and were now all heading to Molly's for a couple drinks before they went home.

Erin smiled as Jones walked up to her from the staircase as she walked to meet him.

"Car's around the front. You heading to the hotel?" He asked her.

Erin shook her head "Hank wants me to come have dinner with him. I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"All good. Night babe." Jones said with a smile, looking behind Erin to wave at the unit before heading back down the stairs.

Erin turned around and froze when she saw Jay, staring at the stairs Jones had descended down. She could see the heartbreak in his eyes and instantly cursed herself.

She began to walk towards him but he shook his head, grabbing his keys off the desk and his jacket off his chair before rushing down to the cage to leave through the roll-up.

"So, are you two dating?" Adam asked from behind her.

Erin turned to face him "I don't think that's your business Adam. But for your information, he's my partner."

"You used to say the same thing about Jay." Adam replied.

Erin narrowed her eyes "what are you getting at Ruzek?"

Adam simply shrugged "just making sure you're not gonna hurt him. It's taking a long time to get back to even functioning on a daily basis Erin. I know everyone's happy you're back, but no one's forgotten the damage you left. Especially not him."

Erin sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat "I know I made some mistakes Adam, but I couldn't stay."

"It doesn't bother me Erin, I'm not the one you need to be telling this to."

Erin nodded and Adam reached forward to hug her "it'll be okay Linds."

Erin laughed softly "wow, who would've though Adam Ruzek would become such a softie. What happened to the joking asshat I knew?"

Adam chuckled "he knocked up his fiancee."

"Hey!" Kim exclaimed walking into the room.

"You know I meant it in a good way darlin'." Adam said with a cheeky smile.

Erin laughed as Kim rolled her eyes and Adam walked over to wrap his arm around her shoulder, placing the other gently on her growing belly. Erin smiled sadly; she remembered a time when she saw that as her future, but things were different now. And she had to accept that the future she dreamed with a certain blue-eyed detective would never become a reality.

She turned quietly and walked into Hank's office, leaving Kim and Adam to have their little family moment.

"Hey kiddo, you ready to go?" Hank said standing up to grab his jacket.

"Um, would you mind terribly if we rescheduled? There's something I have to do." She asked.

Hank shook his head knowingly "go, make sure he's okay."

"You're awfully protective of him." Erin said with a raise of her eyebrow.

Hank looked her in the eyes when he said the next words "you weren't here Erin, I know that you leaving was right for you. But you never told him. You have no idea what is was like to watch him withering away these past few years. He hasn't been the same since you left Erin."

"You told me not to look back." Erin muttered quietly.

Hank stared her down pointedly "You know I didn't mean _this_ Erin. This wasn't you not looking back, this was you making a choice to shut him out."

"I know ... I tired to call him hank. But every time I picked up that phone, I just ... I couldn't do it." She sniffled blinking furiously as the tears threatened to fall.

"I know." Hank said softly "but he needs answers he's waited three years for, and you owe it to him to tell him the truth. It's time."

Erin nodded her head "Is he still at his place?"

Hank shook his head and handed Erin a key from his keychain. She stared at the rusty gold key in confusion. She knew that key.

"He never left." Hank said, and with that Erin ran out of his office.

 ** _~ You Were Good ~_**

Erin wiped her eyes as the elevator dinged softly, indicating her arrival on level 3 of the building. She walked slowly, her high heels click-clacking against the marble-tiled hallway.

She took a few deep breaths as she stared at the key in her hand and then back up at the apartment door, the numbers burning her eyes.

310.

He was still here. In the apartment Hank had bought her when she became a cop. The place they'd spent so many nights watching ice hockey drinking beer and eating pizzas. The same place they'd gotten back together on the couch that was both function and form.

The place they'd made a home together.

The place he'd told her he loved her for the first time.

It was their home. And he'd never left it.

She considered using the key but figured he would be uncomfortable with that. So she counted to three in her mind, giving herself time to psych herself up before knocking on the door.

She waited a few moments before footsteps could be heard behind the door and suddenly the numbers in front of her disappeared to be replaced with the shocked blue eyes of the man she loved.

"Hey." She whispered "Can we talk?"

 **A/N: and there you have it! Don't worry, I'm really loving writing this story so there will be an update soon I won't leave you in suspense too long haha.**

 **Please review and let me know what you thought and what your like to see it makes my day!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	4. Say you're ok, I'm gonna heal you anyway

**A/N: back with another update! I cannot believe all the amazing and sweet reviews and PM's I've been getting y'all are so kind!**

 **I'm glad you're enjoying reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it.**

 **The italics rule still applies for the thoughts in this chapter too :) Also Mrs Stevenson is the neighbour in the apartment block, but I can't be bothered to write that detail in lol :P**

 **Enjoy!**

Jay sighed as he placed his drink on the kitchen counter and walked to open the door. He didn't care who it was, he was tired and the emotions of the day had taken it out of him. He just needed a drink and then his bed.

His eyes widened in shock as he took in the one woman he hadn't expected at his doorstep this late at night.

"Hey." She spoke softly "Can we talk?"

Jay sighed and began to close the door "It's late Erin, I'm tired."

"Please." Erin said, raising her hand to stop the door from shutting "Jay, what you saw today in the bullpen-"

"It doesn't matter." Jay cut her off "You made it pretty clear we were done the night you left."

"Jay." Erin's voice cracked as she tried to speak "Look, I'm going to be here for a few weeks at least to help you with this case. We need to sort things out."

"You had your chance to sort things out Erin. You could've called, or texted, or even sent a fucking letter for all I cared. Anything in the past three years to let me know you were even _alive_. But you didn't. You don't get to want to talk now that it's convenient for you."

"Don't you want an answer. An explanation? You've got questions, and I know I'm three years late, but let me answer them now." Erin asked.

"Maybe I'm not ready to hear it." He shrugged before closing the door again "Goodnight Erin."

* * *

Jay let out a satisfied sigh as he felt the bourbon warm his body. He had shut the door on Erin almost an hour ago, and from the second the latch clicked close he had been standing in his kitchen nursing his drink. He knew he had to be careful, one drink was his limit now and he wanted to make it last.

He couldn't stop thinking about Kim's words. And then Erin's. They were both right, he had questions and Erin was the only one who could provide those answers. But what if they weren't answers he wanted to hear? What if she left because of him, because of what had happened between them?

And what if she was dating her partner? His mind wouldn't stop repeating the words. The way he called her _babe._ No one ever called her babe. No one except him.

 _"Do your thing babe." He smirked before getting in the car._

 _"You know, you're the only one who gets to call me that?" Erin said._

 _"Oh really?" He said, prolonging the words in a teasing manner "I didn't realise I was so special. Babe."_

 _Erin rolled her eyes, lightly hitting his chest before she started the car's ignition "Shut up, or I'm revoking your privileges."_

It was a notification on his phone that pulled him from his thoughts this time, alerting him to the delivery of his takeout. He went to open the door again, giving a polite quiet smile to the delivery guy as he handed him the money.

"Good night?" The young man asked.

Jay paused for a moment "...Uh, not really."

The guy nodded awkwardly "Well, maybe she can make it better."

Jay frowned, watching as the other guy looked down next to his door entry. Jay stepped forward and looked outside to find Erin sitting against the wall fast asleep, the apartment key in her hand.

"Oh." he whispered before looking back up at the delivery guy, taking the food from him "Thanks."

"Have a good night." He smirked once more before walking off.

* * *

"Erin." She could hear someone calling her, but her eyes didn't want to open.

She felt a warmth spread through her shoulder and a light shaking "Erin, wake up."

She finally succumbed to the calling of her name and her eyes slowly opened. She jumped in shock and her head banged against the wall.

"Ow." She groaned clutching the back of her head in pain.

She felt his hands touch her cheeks, cupping her face and her brown eyes took in his concerned blue ones.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Um...Yeah. I- I think so." Erin blinked in shock "How long was I out?"

"I'm not sure, you've been out here at least an hour though." Jay replied.

They were silent for a moment, and the placement of Jay's hands on her became more aware and he moved back from, standing up and opening the apartment door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep, I should go-" Erin started to ramble quickly standing up.

"You can come in?" He offered quietly "Have some coffee or something, to wake yourself up before you drive. Maybe ... we can talk."

Erin took in his nervous stance, she could see the vulnerability in his eyes and suddenly questioned everything. This is what she wanted, to talk, wasn't it?

"Erin?" He asked again.

She snapped out of her thoughts and nodded quietly, following him into the apartment.

...

They were both quiet for a long time. Erin sat at the kitchen counter, and Jay worked on making her a cup of coffee and himself a tea. Erin smiled slightly; Jay never had coffee before 6am and after 8pm. _'At least some things are still the same.'_

She looked around the apartment from her position and was stunned by how it looked. The living room had been completely rearranged, creating the man cave that Jay had always been trying to convince her on. What was more surprising though, was how everything else seemed the exact same as when Erin had left. She hadn't taken her things from the house when she left, only the family heirlooms and gifts Hank and Camille had given her growing up, deciding that a new city should be a fresh start.

The living room was still the same warm colour scheme, the kitchen still a subtle black and grey theme. Her eyes lingered on the couch, her mind wandering to that night. The beginning of their relationship, officially. The night that prompted her to walk into Molly's and publicly agree to be Jay Halstead's girlfriend, to be his backup, to hold his hand in public.

Her thoughts were broken when she hear him place the cup of coffee in front of her, the ceramic hitting the marble bench with a quiet _clink._ She smiled her thanks and took a cup, letting the warm liquid invigorate her body. She watched as he blew his breath against the surface of the hot liquid in front of him, attempting to cool the beverage slightly before he took a cautious sip. He placed the cup down and the moment his eyes met Erin's she blurted it out.

"Jones is gay!"

Jay looked at her, surprised by her tone of voice, and she took the opportunity to continue "He's happily married, with two little girls. There never has, and there never will be, anything between us. I know we have more important things to discuss, but I just wanted to clear that up first. I didn't want you to think anything was happening, he just calls me babe because he knows only one person is allowed to-"

She stopped herself short, his eyes breaking from hers. She winced internally at her poor choice of words. Bringing up reminders of happy times between them was not what he needed right now.

She paused for a few moments before asking "What would you like to know?"

Erin watched as his eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated, his eyes set on a fixed spot as his mind tried to figure out how best to ask the question.

"Why?" he whispered.

She didn't need further explanation, she knew what he wanted to know; why did she leave? Why didn't she call? Why did she completely shut down any attempt at communication with him?

"That night was hard Jay. After everything that had happened in the few months before that, with my dad, Abby, Bunny. It was like everything had reached the breaking point." She started "And when the FBI offered me the job with them, it just seemed like the right choice. It was either stay in Chicago and lose my job, stay in IU and break up our team, or start fresh in New York."

"You could've called." His voice broke through "I called you, texted, emailed even. The only reason I had even found out you left was because I knocked on Hank's door at 3am demanding to know what happened."

"You did?" it was her turn to be surprised.

Jay nodded "I waited for you at Molly's for about an hour, and when it was clear you weren't going to show up I went to the apartment. I kept knocking and yelling for you to let me in. Mrs Stevenson finally came out and said that you'd already left. So i used the spare key and let myself in, and I thought she was wrong at first, but then I saw Camille's jewellery box was gone. And then the lamp Hank gave you when you moved in, and Justin's old bicycle figurine."

"Jay-" Erin started, but he cut her off again.

"I rushed straight over to Hank's. I almost knocked his damn door down I was kicking it so hard." He chuckled sadly looking up at her "I barged in the minute he opened the door, I was screaming your name. Running up and down the stairs, in and out of every room. When he stopped me I asked him if he knew you were leaving, and he told me about the FBI job. He neglected to mention that he knew where you were until a few weeks later though."

She could feel the tears in her eyes once more "I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter anymore." He said.

Her hand reached over to lay on top of his "It does Jay. I was selfish that night, and every day after. I didn't call because it was hard for _me_. I didn't think about how my leaving would affect you, I mean we weren't even really together at that point. But it was wrong, I should've told you why all those years ago."

"Why didn't you? Why didn't you call after, or answer my texts? I was so worried about you, I just wanted to know that you were okay."

Erin shrugged "I don't really know. At first, it was because I thought leaving would be best for both of us. You could figure things out with Abby without having to worry about your relationship with me, and I could finally escape the toxic relationship with my mum."

The tears were falling slowly from both of their eyes, but neither made an attempt to conceal them anymore "I called you once, about a month I was settled in. It was about 3am, and I couldn't sleep. I called and you answered, I think you were drunk because you were slurring your words a bit." She laughed slightly "I wanted to tell you everything. Where I was, why I left, how sorry I was. But the second I heard your voice, I couldn't do it."

"But why?" He pleaded "You keep telling me these things that happened all this time, but you're not telling me _why_ Erin."

"Because it was hard! Hearing your voice, it _hurt_. Knowing that we wouldn't be together, that we wouldn't get married, or have kids, or grow old in that stupid cabin up in Wisconsin. It _broke_ my heart, and I had no one to blame but myself." She cried "All I could think about was what Bunny had said to me, that if I had left Hank, and Nadia, and _you_ alone, if I had _never_ gone anywhere near any of you, you all would've been okay. Your lives would have been better if I had never gotten involved in them. And so I decided in that moment, that I would leave you alone. That I would do what I had to do in New York, and let you live your life without me."

Jay sat there in silence for a few minutes, processing everything. His eyes stared at her hand on his, he could her her slight sniffling and could just see in his peripheral Erin wiping her eyes with the shirt sleeve of her other arm. He could feel the anger bubbling inside of him, and he was trying desperately to contain it, but he knew that wasn't going to happen.

She watched in shock as he ripped his hand out from under hers, pushing himself up out of his chair to pace back and forth along the kitchen floor.

"You're unbelievable." He spat.

Erin looked at him confused "Excuse me?"

"How _dare_ you!" He exclaimed "You all keep doing this! You, Will, Hank! You're all making my fucking choices for me! Who the hell do you think you are!?"

"Jay, I-"

"NO!" He yelled louder, looking her straight in the eye "You come here, after _three_ _fucking years_ and tell me that you did all this _for me_!? That's not fair."

She watched nervously as he continued pacing "I never said it was fair Jay."

"You have no idea how hard these three years have been Erin. I'm glad that New York was good for you, that you were able to get your fresh start. But I wasn't." He shook his head "I spent the past three years hoping you would come back, spending every night in this apartment because our friends got tired of asking me out to Molly's when all I would do was sit in the corner of the booth and drink myself into numbness. I've spent the past three years hoping that you were just as miserable as I was. That you missed me as much as I missed you."

"I did miss you." She said

"Did you though? Because if you did, you wouldn't have left the way you did." He argued "I spent so long looking for you Erin, I called, texted, emailed. I begged Hank, I tracked down Annie, I asked your therapist, I even looked for _Bunny_. And you just left without a word."

"That's not fair." Erin bit back "You left too! I watched you walk out of this apartment, after finding out you were _married_!"

Jay scoffed "I left because I didn't want to hurt you. You know how rough my PTSD was the first time, and I had all that leftover shit with Abby I needed to sort out. I didn't want you to hurt you anymore than I already had."

"Do you not see the point Jay?" She exclaimed "It broke my heart when you walked out that night, but _I_ _understood._ I knew it wasn't about whether you loved me, or wanted to be with me. It was something you had to do. Just like New York was something I had to do."

"You're acting like it's the same Erin. But I saw you that next morning, and every morning after that. I was still your partner, and your co-worker. I was still _in_ Chicago. And you at least knew why I had left, and where I was. But I didn't know all those things."

"And I'm sorry for that Jay. But I made a choice, and I can't take it back." Erin cried "But I can try and fix it now, if you'll let me."

Jay rolled his eyes "And how are you gonna do that, Erin?" He sassed back.

Erin sighed "Look, I know I screwed up okay? Do you think these past three years have been easy for me, because they haven't. I can't change the past, but I would like to fix what I can now. I'm going to be here for at least the next two weeks to help with the case, can we at least _try_ and rebuild our friendship? Because before all of this relationship stuff, we used to have a pretty good one. Let me fix things Jay, please."

his voice was soft now, fragile."I don't know that you can Erin."

"You're right, I don't. But I'm willing to try and talk it out. I want to know, if you're willing to tell me. We both need some closure Jay, and that's not going to happen until we really talk about things, and get all these unresolved issues out of the way."

"You don't know how bad things have been these past three years." He said _'Or the fact that I was going to propose to you, and you left town instead.'_

"Please Jay. Just think about it?" Erin pleaded.

"... Fine." he said simply.

Erin smiled softly "thank you."

Jay nodded and began walking to wards the door, and Erin took that as her sign to leave. The night had been more emotionally draining than she had originally anticipated, and she was ready to get back to the apartment and rest up.

"Goodnight Jay." She said turning back to look at him.

"Goodnight Erin." He said before closing the door.

* * *

Later that night Erin lay in bed, her mind unable to let her sleep. Jay's words kept turning in her head.

 _"I was screaming your name. Running up and down the stairs, in and out of every room."_

 _"All I would do was sit in the corner of the booth and drink myself into numbness."_

 _"I begged Hank, I tracked down Annie..."_

 _"You don't know how bad things have been these past three years."_

She had always assumed he would be fine without her. She had never stopped to think that her sudden departure would impact him so greatly. She knew they loved each other, deeply, but they hadn't been together at the time of her departure. She thought he would move on.

As their conversation replayed in her mind, she made a promise to herself.

She would stay in Chicago as long as it took to earn back Jay's trust in her. If she was the one to break his heart, then she would be the one to heal it too. She wasn't going anywhere, she wasn't leaving him again, no matter what.

 **A/N: Aaaaand chapter 4 done! I hope you guys enjoyed the talk, there's still some more to come but this was just a bit of a starting point in the road back to friendship for our dear detectives ;)**

 **For those asking about the 'night that I found you here?' moment with Hank and Jay were referring to in chapter 2, it will be revealed later on, and I do think it's a pretty important scene for Hank and Jay and sort of establishing where this close relationship they've developed had started from. And it also shows just how bad things got for Jay when Erin left.**

 **I really hope you guys are enjoying the story, please leave me a review and let me know what you thought and what you'd like to see happen!**

 **Hope you're all having a great week so far x**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	5. Forgive me if I said too much, I

**A/N: firstly, thank you for the amazing reviews you guys are the best! Secondly, I haven't been in the best head space the past few days so excuse any spelling mistakes and stuff haha**

 **Enjoy!**

Hank was working quietly on his paperwork at his desk when he heard a knock, knowing it could only be one person for this time of morning. Looking up he spied Jay standing nervously outside he door and he signalled for him to come in.

Jay shut the door quietly behind him placing a coffee down on Hank's desk like always. "Uh, I just wanted to say sorry. I get why you didn't tell me, and I shouldn't have gone off on you like that."

Hank smiled kindly "look Jay, I realise that maybe I didn't handle things the best way, but I was nervous about her coming too. I was only trying to spare you, it's why I pushed so hard for you to go help out Narcotics."

"I get that. But I think it's important that I stay." Jay replied "Erin and I ... we never got closure. Maybe, her being here is a chance for us to finally have that."

"Did you guys talk last night?"

"She wants to try and start over. Rebuild our friendship." Jay said with a shrug

Hank nodded "and what do you think about that?"

"I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out." Jay replied.

"Well, you let me know if you need anything. Alright?"

Jay smiled "will do. Thanks Hank."

With that he walked out of the office, leaving his Sergeant to watch as he sat back down at his desk as Erin came up the stairs, and Hank silently hoped that they could get through this case and being mend what had been broken that night Erin left.

* * *

It had been an awkward three days to the day the least. Ever since their talk, Jay and Erin had maintained a professional relationship, though somewhat strained. Jay hadn't given Erin an answer to her friendship proposition, and it was beginning to make her nervous.

 _'Maybe he wants nothing to do with you.'_ She shook the thoughts from her head and walked into the breakroom, stopping short when she noticed Jay and Upton talking. She waited quietly at the doorway out of sight listening to the two of them.

"Are you seriously not going to give her a chance?" Hailey asked her partner.

Jay shrugged "you saw how bad I got. What if when she leaves, we lost contact again? I don't think I can handle going through all that again Ups."

Hailey's eyes narrowed "first of all, you know I hate that nickname." Jay chuckled "Secondly, it would be different this time. You know why she left, and you two already agreed to talk and get everything out in the open. At least this time when she leaves, you'll know where she is."

"I guess." Jay said in reply.

Hailey spied Erin standing near the doorway, and Erin's eyes widened. Hailey discretely shook her head and gave a small smile. Erin quickly walked into the room, self-consciously yelling "Hey guys!"

Jay jumped slightly and turned to look at Erin. Hailey walked out of the room, smirking slightly at Erin as she walked past her.

"Hey." Jay smiled awkwardly.

"Hi." Erin said standing next to him and filling her coffee cup "How are you?"

"I'm good." Jay said "how are you? Settling back into Chicago?"

"Winter's a bitch." Erin grumbled "I forgot how cold it gets here. And windy!"

Jay laughed "Yeah, I bet you don't miss that."

Erin smiled "so ... I was wondering if you were free tonight?"

"What for?"

"I invited everyone to Molly's. Thought it would be nice to catch up outside of work."

Jay paused. It had been a while since he'd been at Molly's, and he knew the reception he'd get if he went.

"I'm not sure Erin ..." he started.

"Come on, it'll be fun! You can hear about what I've been up to, and we can talk some. I'd really like to find out what I've missed with everyone all this time. Especially you."

"... I'll think about it, okay?" He said.

Erin rolled her eyes "I will get you to come Jay Halstead, that's a promise."

Jay laughed again "I look forward to it Lindsay."

Erin walked out of the break room with a bounce in her step. For the first time since her arrival it felt like, maybe, she'd be able to fix things.

* * *

"Alright, I've got a lead!" Antonio exclaims about halfway through the day.

The team all sigh in relief, having found no new information these past few days. This was good news. It was a step in the right direction.

"My CI says some of Haynes' crew have been spotted in Canaryville, some joint called the Scary Canaryville?"

"It's this really creepy club, been there for years. It started as a creepy Halloween place and then turned into a bar. A lot of gang affiliates hang out there, drugs run through that place pretty easily." Jay said.

"Alright then, Olinsky get a warrant. As soon as we're approved everyone suit up." Hank ordered.

two hours later, the crew were wrapping up their bust. They had arrested Edward Vardos and James Coop, two of Haynes' top recruits.

"Alright, Halstead and Upton in room 1, Lindsay and Jones room 2." Hank stated.

"Uh, Sargeant. With all due respect, I shouldn't be in that room." Jones said "I worked with these guys while I was undercover, if they find that out -"

Hank nods in understanding "alright. Lindsay and Halstead, Upton and Dawson. Go."

Jay looked at Hank with pleading eyes but his Sargeant simply smirked knowingly and walked back into his office. Jay rolled his eyes. _'Asshole.'_

"Ahhh detective Lindsay!" Edward Vardos smirked as Erin and Jay walked into the room "Long time no see. New partner?"

"Cut the crap Vardos." Erin said slamming a file down on the table "You know what I want, so how about we save ourselves the trouble and you tell me where Jonathan Haynes is?"

"Oh I know what you want baby." He said seductively.

"I think you'd better answer the lady's question." Jay intervened.

Vardos glared at Jay "hit a nerve did I?"

"You realise today's your lucky day right?" Erin interrupted before things could lose control "Intelligence is willing to offer you a deal."

"A deal?" Vardos scoffed "I ain't no rat."

 _'And clearly you don't know proper English either'_ Erin spied Jay rolling eyes and knew he was thinking the same.

"Look, Intelligence is willing to offer you immunity. _If_ you help us bring in Haynes." Jay said "But, whichever out of you and your companion in the next room talks first, gets the deal. The other one goes down for everything. So, how about we let you sit and think about that while we talk to your friend?" Jay finished.

Erin gave Vardos one last look, and could see a flicker of panic in his eyes. He would break, and she knew it. They hadn't been this close to cracking Haynes when Erin had first interviewed Vardos back in New York, but this time was different. They'd find out what they needed to know, from either Vardos or Coop.

"Alright, they've both been quiet for the last three hours. Clearly neither one is breaking tonight. You all head out, we'll pick this up in the morning." Hank said later that evening.

Erin smiled and headed down to the locker room to gather her things, eyeing Jay walking a few steps behind her. She turned her head to look at him.

"See you tonight?" She asked hopefully.

Jay smiled softly "I have a couple things to do, but I'll swing by."

* * *

"I don't really know where to start." Jay said as he sat on the couch.

"Well, you called me. How about we start with why?"

Jay shrugged "I'm not sure if you've heard, but Erin's back."

"Yes, Will told me." Dr Charles smiled kindly.

Jay rolled his eyes "My damn brother needs to mind his own business. Focus on his proposal."

"Proposal?" Dr Charles frowned.

"He's proposing to Natalie tonight." Jay said looking up at the clock. _7:30_. "Right about now actually. Asked me for mum's ring and everything."

"How did you feel about that? Giving Will the ring, when it was supposed to be yours. Supposed to be _Erin's_?"

"... It was hard. I always imagined Erin saying yes. And wearing the ring. Passing it on to our children, like Mum did to us." Jay's voice cracked as he continued "It's just hard with her being back. I don't really know how to handle it."

"Well what do you think you should do?" Dr Charles asked.

"Erin wants to try and rebuild our friendship. Hank, Will, Kim , Adam, even Hailey all say the same thing. That we should try and get some closure."

"I'm inclined to agree with them." Dr Charles said "So what's holding you back then?"

"I'm just ... scared of what happens when she leaves."

"Jay. You first came to me a little over two years ago, mostly because Hank ordered you to." He chuckled "And you didn't really like to talk about things, which made my job difficult to say the least. I think the main reason for that was because the one person you _needed_ to talk to wasn't here. And I think, deep down a part of you didn't want to accept any kind of alternative to Erin. So you shut down, and you sort of lived on autopilot for a while." He said as Jay nodded silently.

"But now she's, and she wants to fix things. So the choice is up to you. You can keep trying to survive like you are, or you can get the closure you need and start _living_ again." Dr Charles continued "Your friends, your family, they've all tried to help but nothing's going to change until _you_ make a choice."

Jay sits quietly for a moment, his mind processing "...Do you mind if we cut the session short?"

Dr Charles chuckled lightly "Get out of here. Let me know how it goes."

 **A/N: okay so there was a bigger cliffhanger left but I'm gonna leave it until the next chapter, because this one was becoming a bit too many different scenes and things happening so I tried to mellow it down a little.**

 **Hope you guys enjoyed please review!**


	6. You love like you wanted to fight

**A/N: again, thank you so much for you reviews! For those who were asking to see Erin really apologise, and to see how she was coping these past three years, it's all coming soon! I'm going to add in a flashback chapter for both Jay and Erin so you can kind of see the replay of the past three years.**

 **I've kind of been focusing on Jay's agony because I find it a bit difficult to write Erin like that for some reason? But I'm going to work hard on it and will definitely make sure you guys get to see that part of Erin like you're asking for :)**

 **Special thanks to my friend Laura who helped me plan out pretty much the whole story, it's making updates a lot easier to write and post so be prepared guys!**

 **Enjoy!**

Later that night, Erin waited in anticipation as she and the team were ordering a third round of drinks. Jay still hadn't arrived, and the knots in Erin's stomach were growing larger every minute.

It was approaching 9:00 pm, and she was try hard to focus on the conversation that flowed around the table. Everyone at Molly's had been happy to see her; the family at 51 and Chicago Med had rejoiced her return, Hermann shouting a free round of drinks for the whole bar. Erin's heart warmed at the welcome, it was something she'd truly missed while being in New York.

The bell on the door ringing almost slipped past her ears, but when Hermann joyous shout of "Halstead!" echoed through the bar she felt her heart leap up into her throat. She took another large gulp of her drink, trying her best to calm her nerves. Their eyes met and Jay smiled as Erin waved nervously.

"You two are so cute, all nervous and shy." Atwater teased as the unit watched them.

Erin rolled her eyes, mumbling a "shut up" as she took a sip of her drink.

"Seriously though, what's happening with you two?" Antonio asked.

Erin shrugged "I'm trying to fix things, and hopefully we can be friends again."

"Is friends really what you want though?" Kim asked.

"I don't really think I'm in a position to ask for anything else, am I?" She sighed sadly "I hurt him. That's on me. And only I can work to regain his trust. So yeah, friends is going to have to do."

"Just be careful. He's not the same guy anymore Erin." Ruzek said as he eyes Jay walking over to them.

Erin frowned. Why did everyone keep saying that? Before she had the chance to ask, Jay appeared at the table.

"Hey guys." He said awkwardly.

Erin smiled widely "Hey, I'm glad you came."

The unit all nodded in agreement "it's been too long since we've all shut down Molly's. You in Halstead?" Ruzek cheered.

Jay laughed softly "I may be, but I think you need to consult with your wife." He said.

Erin looked over at Kim who was discreetly trying to let out a yawn, her eyes fluttering slightly.

"I'm fine!" She sleepily said, and the unit all laughed "no seriously! I'll just chill in the booths, y'all shut down Molly's." She insisted.

"I'll probably leave early, I want to try and get back to the hotel in time to say call my girls and say goodnight. How about I drop you off at your place?" Jones offered.

"Really? That would be really great, thanks." Kim smiled.

"Sweet, let's have some fun!" Ruzek cheered.

"Don't sound so excited to see me go, honey." Kim said sarcastically.

Ruzek smiled sheepishly and Jay laughed, earning an elbow to his stomach from Ruzek.

Erin smiled as she watched everyone interact. She'd missed her family. She'd missed a lot of things while she'd been gone, and she made a silent promise to herself in that moment to not lose touch with their special family when she returned to New York.

* * *

"Hey Hey!" Will Halstead yelled as he and Natalie Manning walked through the door. Will held up Natalie's hand and cheered "guess who agreed to marry me!?"

Everyone applauded and whistled as Will and Nat made their way through to the unit. Will smiled as Jay hugged him tightly.

"Congrats man." He said turning to Natalie "you're crazy, but congratulations."

Nat laughed softly as Will pouted at his brother's antics.

"Thanks Jay." Nat placed her hand on his arm "for _everything_." She emphasised, looking down at her ring finger tapping on his arm.

Erin frowned slightly as she noticed Jay's demeanour changed. He smiled stiffly and hugged Natalie tight, whispering something in her ear. She was broken from her thoughts when a pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders and her vision was filled with bright red hair.

"Hey stranger." Will said softly.

"Will Halstead, look at you. I can't believe you're getting married!" Erin laughed accepting the hug "Don't tell Nina, but I was always rooting for you two."

"Well, Nina's not in Chicago anymore, so I don't think that'll be an issue." Will replied "Halstead men seem to like driving their women out of Chicago."

He said that last part softly so only she would hear, and Erin couldn't help the little giggle that escaped her. They both knew that wasn't the truth, but it felt nice to be able to joke around. Erin had always loved Will's ability to make any situation lighter with a simple comment.

"Seriously though, I've missed you! How's New York?" Will asked.

Erin shrugged "it's the same way it's always been. Give or take a few drug lords, rapists and kidnapping rings."

"Good to know you're still the same. I was worried all the posh FBI and New York cops would take the kick ass out of you." Will cheekily retorted.

"I'm more than happy to give you a demonstration of my ass kicking skills right here and now Halstead." Erin said coming her eyebrow at him.

Everyone around them laughed as Will put his hands up in mock surrender.

Jay watched as Erin and Will joked around, and a small smile graced his face. No matter what had happened between them, he had still missed her, and so had everyone else. Maybe rebuilding their friendship wasn't the worst idea.

He excused himself and quietly slipped out of the booth. He sat at the bar and ordered the table a round of celebratory drinks for Nat and Will. He felt a hand on his back and turned to see Natalie smiling as she stood behind him.

"This seat taken?" She asked.

Jay shook his head and pulled out the stool next to him so she could sit. Again, Nat's hand landed on his and she squeezed gently.

"You know, I told Will this earlier also, but if you're not comfortable with this ..."

"Nat, in happy you're with my brother. I've never once doubted you guys -" Jay started.

"I meant the ring." Natalie cut in "Technically it's yours, it's Erin's. I don't want you to think that you have to hand it over just because you didn't get your chance."

Jay shook his head, bringing his other hand to rest on top of their already joined ones "Natalie, I think that all am okay with this. Yeah I didn't get to propose to Erin before she left, but that's not why I gave Will the ring."

Natalie's eyes widened "Jay-"

"No Nat, seriously. I love my brother and I love you. And mum would want this. She would want that ring to the worn proudly, not hidden in a sock drawer like it's been the past few years."

"No, _Jay_." She emphasised, and he noticed that her eyes weren't focused on him, but rather behind him.

"Erin." He whispered.

"Umm, I just. I thought you'd need help getting the drinks." She said lamely, and Jay could see it in the tears that glistened her eyes. She'd heard every word.

Natalie noticed Hermann sliding a tray of drinks onto the bar top and she quickly picked them up and awkwardly excused herself.

"...Is it true?" She whispered.

He could feel the panic building in his chest. He needed to get out of here, he couldn't think, he felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Jay, why didn't you-"

"I have to go." He said rushing out of the room, the bar stool falling loudly behind him.

* * *

He had been pacing outside the bar for a few minutes, trying to figure out how to get home. He couldn't drive, he knew it was reckless given the amount of drinks he'd had.

Erin ran out of Molly's a few minutes after, the shock finally settling in and her brain registered his departure. She turned to her left and could see a distant figure and began walking after him.

"Jay!" She yelled, noticing him pause for a moment before continuing to walk "Jay stop!"

She groaned as his legs only seemed to move faster at her pleading.

"Dammit Halstead don't make me run in these heels!" She yelled after his retreating figure as she tried to keep up pace.

She sighed exasperated and paused, lifting one foot after the other to pull of her thin high heels. The gravel of the pathway poked and prodded at her feet but she didn't care, she kept running until she had not only caught up to him, but was standing right in front of him.

"Erin I can't do this right now." He sighed

Her hands come up to rest on the tops of his arms, holding him in place.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Erin asks softly.

"When was I supposed to do that Erin!? You left without a word! You didn't answer my calls or texts, I had no clue where you were! How the fuck was I supposed to tell you Erin, tell me how!?" He exclaimed.

Erin paused for a moment, knowing he was right. "Okay, why didn't you tell me when I came back? Didn't you think that's the kind of thing that needs to be discussed for this whole 'closure' thing we're going for?"

"Fine. Yes, I was going to propose to you the night you left. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"I just want to hear the fucking truth!" She yelled "We haven't had a truly honest conservation in a long time Jay, since before I even left Chicago!"

"Well I'm sorry that my closed-off nature hurts you, that my not talking to you about things frustrates you. I can't imagine what that feels like." Sarcasm dropped from his voice "But _you_ left before I got the chance to propose! And it _broke_ me when I realised that I'd never have the chance to ask you. I didn't want to relive it because I didn't know if I could handle it. So yeah, maybe we haven't had an honest conversation and maybe I don't want to!"

Both their breaths were heaving, the anger running through their conversation tiring them both.

"... Why did you want to propose?" She suddenly asked.

"Jay." She spoke firmly when he shrugged.

"I knew I handled things wrong with Abby. I shouldn't have just left like I did, I know you understood but I still could've handled it better. Anyways, I couldn't stop thinking about everything you'd been through, losing Justin, dealing with your dad and Bunny ... I told Olinsky that I screwed up with you, when Hank swapped us all around. And I knew in that moment I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that I didn't want to waste another minute screwing things up. So I filed for an annulment, and I asked Will for mum's ring."

"I would've said yes." She whispered.

"Erin, don't -" he shook his head at her words.

She cupped her hands on his cheeks so he had to look at her "I _need_ you to know. I didn't leave because of you, you were the only real reason I had to stay. I would've said yes, I need you to know that Jay."

She removed one hand from his face and leaned forward and kissed his cheek, smiling softly at him before she pulled back "You've had a bit to drink. Can I drop you home?"

"Uh ... I think I'm gonna walk. Need to clear my head." He mumbled before pulling her hand away from his face and quickly walking off, Erin staring after him.

 **A/N: okay, so this wasn't originally the ending I had planned but hopefully you guys like it! There's still some more angst and arguments to come, this isn't the beginning of their whole forgiveness part just yet!**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you thought and if there's anything you'd like to see!**

 **Maddie :)**


	7. You see, the problem was us

**A/N: Yet again, I cannot thank you guys enough for all your wonderful reviews! I know Erin finding out about the ring may have seemed a bit soon to some, but I felt that it needed to happen for Erin to fully realise how hurt Jay was when she left, and for Jay to know that Erin didn't leave because of him.**

 **And you guys are also awesome because I already have 91 reviews in 6 chapter!? I've never been this close to 100 reviews so early into a story so thank you :)**

 **Special thanks to Laura, MrsHalsteadxx, Alex, AddisonGrace22 and BrookeByNature for all your awesome reviews – and as asked, your flashback chapters are finally here!**

 **Enjoy!**

 _(December 2017 – three months since Erin left.)_

 _Jay sighed as he took swallowed the two aspirin pills and some water, trying to subside the dull ache in his head. It had been three weeks since Hank had basically threatened his job if he didn't stop the binge-drinking, and as much as he wanted to forget about his problems, he knew that if he lost his job he'd have no reason to get up in the morning._

 _The headaches had started about a week ago, his body detoxing from the intense consumption of liquor it had endured over the past two and a half months. For the most part, he was doing better. Will had been trying to get him to go to therapy, either with Dr Charles or his PTSD support group, but he had refused. He had worked hard to not need the support group anymore, and even if he hadn't been coping, going back to therapy felt like an enormous step back._

 _He could push through this on his own, he'd done it before. He had been doing better since Hank had cornered him, it was the push he had needed to start getting his life in order again. He would get there. It was going to take some time but he knew he would._

 _His head ached a bit more at the sound of the doorbell, and he frowned in confusion over who could be at their apartment at four in the afternoon. The unit would still be at the district, and Will was at work until six._

" _Package for Erin Lindsay?" The UPS delivery guy asked when Jay opened the door._

 _Jay felt his breath hitch in his throat "She uh – She doesn't live here anymore."_

" _uh … okay." The man said awkwardly "Well, the return address is here as well. Are you Jay Halstead?"_

 _Jay nodded and the man handed him the parcel "If one of you is here then I have to deliver it." He handed the electronic pad over and Jay signed before taking the package from him._

" _Thanks." Jay muttered before shutting the door._

 _He sat on their couch and placed the package on the table, staring at it for a few moments. He knew exactly what it was, but he wasn't sure he was ready to face what was waiting for him._

 _After a few moments he got up and grabbed a pair of scissors from the kitchen, coming back and opening the box up. He felt his breath hitch again when he saw the card he had written her sitting neatly on top of the gift. He picked it up and brushed his fingers over her name as his eyes took in the words he'd written almost six months ago._

 _ **Erin,**_

 _ **So, I started planning this a few months after we moved in together. It was closing in on our six-month anniversary (don't laugh at my knowledge) and I wanted to plan something special for today – provided this arrived on the day I had organised it to.**_

 _ **I wanted to give you something that represented just how much I love you, because I don't think words will ever truly express how much I do. I wanted you to know that, no matter what happens, I'll always be here. I'll always love you. (Again, don't laugh at my cheesy words).**_

 _ **I hope you like it; I have a friend in Germany who made it for you. Each symbol is made from a different gem, each with its own symbolism. I know I'm not the best at expressing myself sometimes. I can be distant and closed off. But I hope you never doubt how much I feel about you.**_

 _ **I hope you love it as much as I love you.**_

 _ **Happy Anniversary Erin.**_

 _ **All my love,**_

 _ **Jay x**_

' _Dammit' he thought as a tear slipped from his eyes. His eyes looked to the little electronic calendar and clock she had sitting on their coffee table and he felt his heart break a little more._

 _Today was their one-year anniversary._

 _With that thought in mind he walked into his kitchen and opened the liquor cabinet, cursing Will when he saw the bare shelves._

 _He grabbed his keys and walked out the door. He didn't give a damn if it cost him his job, he couldn't get through tonight sober._

…

Jay shot up in bed as his breathing became more ragged, the pain of those memories pulling him out of his restless sleep.

He took a few deep breaths as he tried to calm his racing heart. He had been doing better with his dreams; they rarely came anymore. He was nervous now. This was how they always started over the past three years; memories of his time without Erin, then memories of losing his mother, and then slowly those memories would trigger his PTSD flashbacks. The visions of bullets flying everywhere and children screaming in fear.

He jumped out of his bed and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from his drawer and put on his converse. He could feel his anger building as his brain tried to pinpoint what had caused him to have that dream. He needed to nip this in the bud before it got worse.

With that in mind, he grabbed his keys off the table next to his door and raced out of the apartment.

Erin yawned as she walked through the door of her hotel room. Her talk with Jay had exhausted her, and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget about the day she'd had.

She walked into the bathroom and grabbed her pyjama shirt off the hook on the back of the door. She stared at herself in the mirror as she unbuttoned her blouse, the silver dog tags that hung around her neck coming into view. She froze for a few moments as her fingers came up to hold them in her grasp. She stared down at the grey shirt in her hand, the dark green _'Rangers'_ writing across the material burning her eyes. She had promised herself last night would be the last time she wore it. But then again, She'd been telling herself that every night for the past three years.

 _Erin could feel the tears in her eyes as she looked around the room. She walked into the closet to get Camille's jewellery box, and froze when she saw Jay's shirt in her drawer. She lifted his Rangers shirt, that she'd know claimed as her own, and clutched it to her chest._

 _She felt the tears falling from her eyes now. Could she really do this? Could she just leave him like this? Would he ever forgive her for it?_

 _She took the jewellery box and shirt with her back to the bed, tossing the shirt on the bed and placing the jewellery box into her bag. Her eyes fell on the picture frame on his bedside table; it was a picture Will had taken the night she'd come in to Molly's, the night that marked the start of their relationship - The night he held her hand in public._

 _The photo was taken just before he had kissed her, they were both looking into each other's eyes and she was smiling brightly. She looked back down at the t-shirt and quickly grabbed it up, throwing it into the bag as well._

She broke herself from her thoughts and quickly put the shirt over her body before heading into the bedroom and curling up under the blankets.

…

It was three hours later that Erin would hear the banging on her door. She stirred slightly, the incessant sound growing louder by the minute. She groaned as she got out of the warmth and comfort of her bed.

Her eyes noted the time on the bedside clock and she frowned further _'Who the fuck is walking around at 1.30 in the morning?"_

The banging at the door stopped for a moment only to be replaced by a voice "Erin! Open the door!"

She stopped for a second when she heard his voice, the anger taking her by surprise. She opened the door and took in Jay's rigid posture, his breath heaving.

"Jay? It's 1.30 in the morning, what are you doing?" She asked as he barged in the room.

"How dare you!" He screamed "What makes you think you can just come back here, tell me you're _sorry_!? That you would've said _yes_!? Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"I-" She stuttered in shock.

"Do you take pleasure in fucking me over every chance you get!?"

Erin's eyes widened "Excuse me!?" She yelled.

"You heard me!" He seethed "Every time I think I'm doing okay. Every time I think, just maybe, I can move forward, you suck me back in!"

"I was trying to be honest with you!" Her voice matched his.

"Yeah well you're about three years too late for an honest conversation!" He started pacing back and forth, trying to control his breathing.

His eyes shut for a few moments, and his breathing paced out as he turned to look at her again.

It was then that he noticed the shirt. His shirt. But he couldn't see the dog tags hidden underneath. "What the hell are you wearing?"

She self-consciously pulled the shirt down, not that it really mattered. _'He's seen everything anyways'_ she thought.

She thought for a minute before deciding to answer honestly "Just because I left doesn't mean I didn't miss you."

"Don't." He said sternly "Don't say that."

"Why the hell not!?" She exclaimed "I get it okay, I left! But you know what Jay? You walked out that door first!? You were the one who _promised_ you weren't going anywhere, and then you left me!"

"I didn't want to put any more stress on you! I was going through so much shit Erin, I didn't want my PTSD to affect you! That's not fair."

"Well it's not fair to assume that you were the only one who was hurting this whole time! I missed you too Jay, I barely slept or ate those first three months! It got to the point where Olivia had to to bargain for me to be moved out of the counter-terrorism unit and into her department just so she could keep an eyes on me!"

Jay stood in surprise as he listened to her words "If you loved me so damn much, then how could _you_ leave me!? You walked out that damn door, you told me you were getting yourself together, and then we went from that to being on a _break_!? What the fuck even is that? This isn't some Ross and Rachel situation, we were _partners_ Jay."

"Erin-"

"I missed you just as much Jay. I missed you before I even left Chicago, because you left me in our home. Alone. I couldn't move on! I sat in our apartment every night, sleeping in your shirt and wearing _your_ damn dog tags. I never took them off because it was the only piece of you I had left to hold on! I didn't leave Chicago because of you Jay, you were the one fucking reason I had to _stay._ It's not fair for you put all the blame on me."

It was Jay's turn to absorb her words. She had been as broken up about the past three years at he had. Oddly, it made him feel better.

Erin watched in confusion as he started laughing. _'What the hell?'_

"Why the fuck are you laughing!?" She exclaimed "I Just poured my damn heart out, and you're laughing at me?"

"This is crazy!" Jay laughed "You're telling me how much pain you were in, and all I can think about is how much better it makes me feel?"

She watched as his laughter turned to a sad, almost tearful sigh "This is fucked up Erin."

"You're telling me." She replied.

"I can't keep doing this with you Erin. We cause each other too much pain."

"… What are you saying Jay?"

"Hank offered me a chance to work with the homicide unit for a couple weeks, they need help on a case. Maybe I should take it." He shrugged.

"Jay." She sighed exasperated "I don't want you to feel like you have to leave just because I'm here. This is your family; you shouldn't have to leave it."

"I know. But I don't know what else to do Erin. Every time I think that maybe we can work past this, some other shit happens and everything goes south again."

"Maybe it's the universe telling us to face our shit head on." Erin replied "Maybe instead of keeping things from each other, we should just lay everything out on the table."

Her eyes pleaded with him. She couldn't lose him. Not again.

"Jay please. We can fix this, let me fix this." Her voice sounded desperate, but she didn't care.

"Erin, that's not fair." He said sadly "You've always had the responsibility of fixing things; your mum, Teddy, Hank … Maybe this is something we don't fix."

She repeats the same question again, because she doesn't quite want to believe it "What are you saying Jay?"

"I'm saying … Maybe this is all we were meant to be. Maybe we were only destined for a partnership, to have someone there at a moment we needed them most."

"Jay –" She tried to stop him but he continued, and Erin felt her heart break more than she thought possible as he spoke his next words.

"Maybe this is where our story ends."

 **A/N: Okay, so I feel like the ending got a bit repetitive, but its 12.48 am so can you blame me? ;P**

 **I know everything might feel a bit rushed but I have a long-term plan for this story and I'm just trying to make sure it doesn't drag out too long on the early stages of Erin returning, because I've got big plans for later on hehe**

 **Reviews make my day and motivate me to write so please leave me one! I love hearing (seeing?) what you guys think of the story and what you like/dislike and anything you'd like to see in the future.**

 **Hope you're all having a lovely week!**

 **Maddie :)**


	8. I'm a mess, baby, can't you tell?

**A/N: Thank you so much for 100 reviews!? I can't believe it's only been 7 chapters that's the fastest I've ever gotten 100 haha I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!**

 **I had a special surprise planned for the 100 review chapter but it's too early in the story for that … So hopefully some Erin flashbacks will suffice?**

 **I had been hoping to update this a few days ago but lost motivation. Shoutout to SB for liking my tweet and pumping me back up for this story again haha**

 **Enjoy!**

 _(October 2017 – two weeks in New York)._

 _It had been two weeks since Erin had arrived in New York, and Olivia Benson was growing more and more concerned with each day._

 _Hank had called the New York Sergeant after Erin had left his office, asking her to keep an eye on the young detective. Erin had been staying with Olivia and Noah while she tried to find herself an affordable apartment to live in._

 _"_ _Dinner's ready." Olivia smiled as she placed Noah in his high chair._

 _Erin smiled weakly "I'm not hungry, thanks."_

 _Olivia sighed as she watched Erin walk into the guest room. Over the past 16 days since her late night arrival, Olivia had seen Erin eat all of four times, and sleep roughly a total of ten hours. She wasn't coping, and Olivia didn't blame her, but she looked a wreck._

 _Her already slim body was growing increasingly smaller from the lack of food, and her pantsuit from her days on the task force was beginning to fall loose and heavy on her body. Her eyes had dark circles from the lack of sleep. Her hair was frail and messy even when she wrangled it into a neat bun for work._

 _Olivia placed a bowl of spaghetti down on Noah's table and placed the bib around his neck, watching the little boy for a few moments before walking down the hallway to the guest room. She knocked softly before letting herself in, finding Erin changing into her pyjamas._

 _"_ _You need to eat something." Olivia said gently._

 _"_ _I'm really not hungry Liv."_

 _"_ _Erin, you need some food in your system otherwise –"_

 _"_ _I'm fine Olivia!" Erin snapped turning to look at the older woman._

 _Olivia narrowed her eyes and her voice became stern "No you're not. This isn't a discussion Erin, you get your ass out to that dining room in the next five minutes and eat what I serve you, or I'm going to spoon-feed you myself like I do with my three year old."_

 _And with that Olivia walked out the door and back to her son._

 _…_

 _Erin appeared a few moments later and quietly sat and ate what Olivia had already served her. She kept moving the food around, but every time Olivia looked at her she would relent and take another bite._

 _They were now sitting at the dining table, Erin quietly drinking a glass of water as Olivia served them a slice of cake that she'd gotten on her way home._

 _"_ _I'm sorry about before." Erin said quietly._

 _Olivia sighed "I know it's hard Erin, but you made a choice. And you're allowed to be sad, but you can't let yourself slip, you know how dangerous that can be for you."_

 _Erin nodded but didn't say anything in response. Olivia placed a piece of cake in front of her and headed into the nursery to check on Noah._

 _Erin stared down at the food in front of her, trying to hold her tears at bay until she was in the confines of her room._

* * *

 _"_ _So, how are you?"_ Olivia asked.

Erin shrugged "I'm alright, the case is taking a while to crack but hopefully we'll wrap up soon. We've got two of Haynes' men in custody, we just need one of them to crack."

 _"_ _That's great, but you know that's not what I meant."_ Olivia replied.

"I know." Erin sighed into the phone "He doesn't want anything to do with me Liv. It's been four days since we last spoke. The most I've gotten out of him is a less-than-heartfelt 'hey'."

 _"_ _You can't give up Erin. If you want to fix things, he needs to know you're there. Even when he's trying to let go of it all."_ Olivia told her.

"I'm trying, it's just hard. Some days I think … Maybe letting it all go is what's best for him." She told her friend.

 _"_ _Don't give up just yet okay? You're there for the duration of the case, so see if you can't fix things. If he still doesn't want anything to do with you, then you come back to New York and move on with your life."_

Erin nodded "Thanks Liv."

Olivia smiled over the phone _"Anytime Erin."_

* * *

"Hey." Jay says walking into Hank's office early the next morning "You got a sec?"

"Sure." Hank replies accepting the coffee Jay brought him.

"Uh, I was wondering if the job offer still stands? With the Homicide unit."

Hank frowned "What happened to sticking it out?"

"I was wrong." Jay said sadly.

"What the hell happened?"

Jay sat and explained the whole situation. His and Erin's first talk. Her finding out about the engagement, telling him she would've said yes. Jay showing up at her doorstep at 1am. He laid it all out for Hank to hear.

"Wow." Hank said softly.

"Yeah. So, if you could help me get the paperwork in order that would be great."

"Jay, I don't think you should do that." Hank replied.

"What?" Jay said confused "I don't understand, you were the one encouraging me to go!?"

Hank nodded "I know. But I think you need to stay."

"What? Hank, you told me to go. Now you want me to stay?"

"You were right." Hank replied "You _need_ to stay. By leaving now, You're running from the problem Jay. And I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that anymore."

"It's not your decision Hank." Jay sighed "I want to do this."

"Look I can't stop you. But, just take a few more days to think about it okay? Don't do something you'll regret."

"Hank ..."

"Just, think about it." Hank interrupts "That's all I'm asking. And, if in ... two days? You still feel the same, then I will call their Sergeant myself."

"Fine. Two days." Jay agreed.

Two days. He could do that. Two more days, and then he'd be out of here.

 **A/N: Okay! So it's kind of a filler but it's leading somewhere so stay with me! I hope you guys liked the flashback and insight to Erin's experience over the three years.**

 **Hope you're all having a nice weekend (and enjoying Soph's birth day haha)**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	9. Don't think I can do it to me right now

**A/N: So, I haven't really put in much of a timeline so I hope it's not confusing! If anyone would like me to start putting in dates at the beginning of the chapter let me know in your review :)**

 **Also, I had an aussie reviewer PM me about 'The Scary Canaryville' which, yes, is based off a club in Sydney which I've gone to haha I couldn't think of any original names guys :P**

 **Enjoy!**

It had been another day. Jay and Erin had barely talked, and Hank had noticed that Jay tried to avoid her wherever possible. He was growing more frustrated with the two detectives. The two were both as stubborn as each other; no matter how much Erin pushed Jay would pull, and vice versa.

His phone ringing distracting him from his thoughts, and he smirked as he listened to the person on the other end. He stepped out of his office out of the office, watching his team for a minute before letting his attention be known to the group.

"We're shaking things up today." Hank said "Jones just called, he's had to head back to New York for a few days. Family stuff."

Antonio frowned "So is Erin going back with him?"

"No." Hank said "She'll be here for the duration of the case."

"Okay, so how does this work?" Upton asked.

"For now I want Kevin with Upton, Ruzek and Olinsky, Jay with Erin, and Antonio you're with me."

Jay looked up from his paperwork and saw the glint in Hank's eyes. He waited until his Sergeant finished speaking and headed back into his office, Jay following behind.

"What the hell Hank?"

"What? Everyone needs a partner Jay, you know you guys can't run out in the field on your own."

"Erin? Seriously?" Jay said.

Hank sighed "I told you to take two days to think about it, and you've barely even talked to her or seen her. If you're going to make a decision, then you at least have to see what working with her will be like."

"Hank ..." Jay stated.

Voight cut him off "Enough, Halstead. You either follow my orders or your ass can stay in the office all day on baby watch."

Jay stopped arguing, knowing Hank's tone of voice was serious. He let out a frustrated breath and stormed out of the office, noting Erin standing next to Antonio's desk in

shock.

* * *

"Hey." Erin smiled as she walked up the stairs into the bullpen. The smile instantly faltered when she saw the nervous glances exchanged between her coworkers "What's going on?"

"Um, you know Jones is on his way back to New York right?" Antonio said as she approached his desk.

"Yeah, appendicitis. He wanted to go back and be with his husband while she's having surgery. What does that have to do with the case?"

Antonio paused for a moment, looking around the room "Just spit it out Tony!" Erin said annoyed.

"You're partnered with Halstead." Ruzek said "Voight's shuffling us around, you're partnered with Halstead and he's in Hank's office right now."

A few seconds later the door to Voight's office opened and Jay stormed out, catching Erin's shocked eyes momentarily. She took a few deep breaths before walking into the office.

"What the hell are you playing at Hank?" She asked.

"We have an agreement Erin, that's final." Hank replied.

Erin frowned "What kind of agreement? He would never in a million years agree to be partnered with me!"

"Erin, he's my detective. And for the duration of your stay, you're my detective too. You would do wisely to remember so." Hank spoke sternly.

Erin felt like a 14 year old girl again. Hank hadn't spoken to her like that in a long time, and she had to admit it sent a rush of chills down her spine. She shook off the feeling, her eyes hardening as she stared at him for a few seconds before walking out the door, following the same path Jay had taken.

She found him in the locker room, sitting on the bench opposite his locker with his head in his hands. She could practically see the tension and frustration radiating off him. She walked slowly towards him, placing her hand on his shoulder and watched his body grow more uncomfortable.

"What's going on with you and Hank?" Erin asks softly.

"I agreed to stick it out for two more days. Promised him I'd think through my decision." Jay mumbles.

Erin nods although she knows he can't see her "Do you want me to talk to Hank? I don't know if it'll help but it's worth a shot if you want me to."

"I'll be fine." He keeps his replies short "I just need a few minutes."

Erin takes a step back but doesn't leave him. She needs him to know that even though she heard what he told her, she wants to fix things still. And even though it may seem insignificant to him, staying here in this moment feels like the right thing to do for her.

* * *

They're seated in the Sierra now, Jay in the driver's seat. She knew he expected her to fight for the position, but she was comfortable in the passenger seat now. When she had first moved to New York with the FBI, her partner at the time had insisted on driving. At the time, Erin hadn't cared enough to fight for it, and she didn't know the streets like she knew Chicago. So she let him, and then she let Jones.

Driving was her thing with Jay. She didn't want to taint their memories by replacing him with another partner, so she let them drive. And she took the role of passenger.

They were currently seated outside of the bar that Antonio's CI had spotted Jonathan Haynes' crew in. They were on the second rotation, Olinksy and Ruzek having done the first eight hours in order for Adam to be there for Kim should the baby come while they were at home.

"So, are you still leaving?" Erin asked an hour into their stake out.

Jay placed the binoculars down in his lap for a moment and turned to face her "I'm not sure."

"What changed?"

"We're close to cracking this case, I can feel it. I want to see it through. I want to be there when we take this guy down." Jay started.

"But?" Erin asked, feeling there was more to the conversation.

"But ... I don't know if I can handle this every day. You and me, working together, it's like deja vu." He picks the binoculars back up and keeps surveying the area.

"I get that." Erin says as she takes photos of the people entering the club "But we work well together Jay, we always have. I know things may not be the best between us, but maybe this is an opportunity for us? Despite everything that happened when we were together, I trusted that you had my back and you know I had yours. Maybe that's where we start from?"

"I don't know Erin. I just need some time."

Erin wanted to scream. All he's said to her, every time she brought up something like this, was that he needed time. And she knew she needed to give it to him, but couldn't he give her a different answer just once?

Instead, she kept her mouth shut, and focused back on the task at hand.

...

"I got something." He said three hours later "about 10 yards on the right."

She turned the camera lens in the direction he had mentioned, and saw a black car pull up the street behind the club where the entry to the kids park was. They both watched as Jonathan Haynes' stepped out of the car, followed by a tall thing caucasian man. Jay heard the gasp escape Erin's lips.

"Is that..."

"Yep." Jay sighed "We need to call Voight."

* * *

"Are you sure?" Voight asked when Erin and Jay got back to the district.

"Absolutely." Jay replied putting the photos up on the board "It's Commander Johnson."

Commander Johnson had taken over two years ago. He seemed like good police, always ensuring that every cop male and female had equal opportunities and that everyone was treated fairly in his district. The Intelligence Unit had not interacted with him at all though, and for that Hank was immediately suspicious of him.

"It just doesn't seem like him." Kim said "Is it possible that he's being blackmailed or something?"

"I don't know. He seemed pretty damn chummy with Haynes and everyone else."

"Okay, we need to keep this quiet until I've spoken with IA." Hank sighed. He hated working with IA, but he knew it needed to be done. They couldn't go out and arrest the 21st district Commander without ensuring they had all their ducks in a row.

"So what do we do for now?" Jay asks.

"Look into all his finances, see if we can find a concrete link between him and anyone in Haynes' crew. Olinsky, get the necessary paperwork ready. We're going undercover."

 **A/N: Okay, so this feels like another filler BUT chapter 10 is extremely important and has a key scene so I need to get it all set up so that we can start the healing process for out favourite detectives haha**

 **For those asking if Burgess' baby will be making an appearance, it'll be happening in a few chapters time!**

 **Hope you guys liked the chapter!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	10. The calm before the storm, set it off

**A/N: I updated last night so make sure you read that chapter before this one :)**

 **Enjoy!**

Hank sighed as he looked down at the blood on his hands. He didn't understand how they got here. How did this happen?

"Hank." Will said softly.

"Did you get an update?" Hank asked urgently.

Will shook his head "I'm sorry..."

Hank could feel his knees buckle as he heard those words. He felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear the next words that would come out of Will Halstead's mouth.

* * *

 _(10am - 11 hours before)_

"So, how's this going to work?" Erin asked as she and Jay sat at Hank's desk

"It's simple. You pose as a couple, pretend you need some of this 'Kiss' crap to jump start your love life, and the minute the buy happens Antonio will arrest him. We'll have him and Atwater in place as security."

"Security?" Jay asked curiously.

"I managed to _persuade_ the club owner to help us out." Atwater smirked and Jay couldn't help the chuckle that slipped past his lips.

"Anyways." Antonio jumped in "We'll have Atwater located at the front door, I'll be near the poker table table. Most of Haynes' guys in there like to gamble so it's a safe bet that most of them will be at that table."

"And what do we do if the Commander is in there?"

"I've already sorted that out. I spoke with IA, and they've organised for a board meeting with all the Commanders to discuss widespread city security and whatever else they need to do to stall him for as long as possible." Hank said.

Erin nodded and continued to look through the file she'd been given, outlining the floor plan and exit strategy for the club they'd be in.

"How are we going to get to him though? I doubt that Haynes' isn't going to be suspicious if we just walk up to him and ask to buy some of his product."

"Jones will be back tomorrow, he's going to have a bit of an introductory role for you guys. He's trying to contact some of the guys he worked with when you guys were undercover the first time around."

"No way. Hank he has two kids he can't risk that, he has no clue if his cover is still intact-"

"He's fine Erin. Your Sargeant and the rest of your team asked around before he made a move. For the most part, his cover seems solid."

Erin nodded after a moment and Jay asked "What about Erin? Varroa recognised her when we interviewed him. What if someone else does?"

"It's a risk we have to take." Hank sighs "Sargeant Tuckson assures me that it's highly unlikely any of Haynes' New York crew that Erin associated with will be around. Most of them were arrested in the first undercover op, and the few that weren't caught apparently fled the crew anyways."

"What about Hailey? Can't she do it instead?" Jay asked.

"You got a problem with me going on this op Halstead?" Erin bit out. She was growing frustrated at Jay's insistence on swapping partners for this op.

"I'm trying not to risk _your_ _safety_ Erin. If you're ID'd, we're all at risk." He replies matching her tone.

"You don't think I know that!? I would never risk any one of our guys! If I thought there was a high chance that they would know who I am, I wouldn't even consider -"

"Alright that's enough." Hank interrupted before the discussion could blow into a full on fight "Upton's not suitable for this, her face is still being plastered all over newspapers after her last stint undercover. She'll be recognised a lot more likely than Erin could be."

Everyone was silent for a few moments, Antonio and Kevin could feel the tension and excused themselves to inform the rest of their team of the plan. Erin and Jay began to get out of their seats when Hank stopped them.

"Look, I understand you two aren't seeing eye to eye on a personal level. But we have a job to do, and I trust you two, I know you're the best equipped to handle this. So are you two good or is this going to be an issue?"

"We're fine." Jay replied instantaneously.

Hank looked over to Erin, who seemed unsure but spoke confidently "We'll be fine Hank."

Hank simply nodded his head, and silently hoped that they were telling the truth, or at least believed the lie they were giving well enough to pull off this operation.

* * *

 _"I can't believe Hank put you two together for an undercover op."_ Jones said as Erin sat in the locker room.

"He's trying to play matchmaker." Erin grumbled "Anyways, how's Lucy doing?"

 _"She's in post-op now. Surgery went well, Jonathan_ _will take her home in the next couple days. I'll fly back out tomorrow morning."_

"Are you sure you don't need more time? I can talk to Voight"

 _"No, it's fine. Luce understands, she's a tough girl."_ Jones replied.

Erin smirked "Yeah, she gets that from me."

 _"You wish."_ Jones laughed _"...Are you going to be okay going undercover? With Jay?"_

"We're professionals Eric, We can handle it." Erin rolled her eyes.

 _"Okay. I just want to make sure you're okay."_ He said.

"I am." Erin smiled "Thank you Eric. You're a good friend."

 _"Oh I know."_ Jones replied and Erin giggled.

* * *

"Okay. Everyone ready?" Hank asked over the microphone in the van he was currently stationed in.

Erin and Jay looked at each other, both nodding before Jay responded "Ready Sarge."

"Antonio, Atwater. You in position?" Hank asked.

Atwater coughed twice, his signal that he was in position. Dawson softly whispered "yes sarge" and Erin and Jay both moved forward in the line, almost approaching Atwater.

Erin linked her arm with Jay's and leaned her head down on his shoulder. Jay brought his arm up to wrap around her shoulder so they were snuggled into each other, giving off the appearance of a content and in-love couple. Jay and Erin continued moving further in the line until they reached Atwater.

They ran through the security check and Jay nodded to Atwater as he handed him back his I.D. "Have a good night Mr Kingley. Miss Thomas."

"You guys right?" Hank asks.

Erin looks over at Jay before saying "Yeah, we're in."

 **A/N: Okay so this feels like a filler, but something big is coming next chapter (in case you couldn't tell from that little tidbit at the beginning hehe) and I'm really excited for you guys to find out!**

 **I've been a bit stuck with this story because I jumped parts of my story plan, but I'm getting back on track and I'm excited for what's coming.**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	11. We're living in a heartbreak dream

**A/N: Thanks for all your reviews, I'm so happy for you guys to finally read this chapter! I've been planning this out with my friend Laura since chapter 1 and I'm so excited that we're finally here!**

 **There is one review that stated they didn't want Erin and Jay getting back together just because one of them is hurt. I just want to assure you that's not what's happening! Yes, the upcoming events will influence some things but Erin and Jay aren't getting back together just yet ...**

 **Also, I don't know if ear pieces have an on-off function but they need to for this story so Jay and Erin can talk haha**

 **Enjoy!**

 _"You guys right?" Hank asks._

 _Erin looks over at Jay before saying "Yeah, we're in."_

They'd been seated at the bar for almost half of an hour. Jay and Erin were both keeping focused, trying to scope out anyone from Jonathan Haynes' team. Vardos had both been on site for an hour, the team awaiting for them to signal when Haynes arrived.

After Intelligence caught word that Johnny Miller, a guy who Jones knew during his stint undercover, had recently arrived in Chicago the team pulled him out of the operation. He was instead assigned to overwatch with Upton to ensure his safety and Hank offered Vardos a deal for his cooperation at the club.

"Are we sure he's coming?" Ruzek asked over the intercoms, from his position next to Alvin on a nearby rooftop.

"We'll find out soon enough." Jay whispered back, discreetly moving away from the trigger on his ear piece.

...

 _"We got him."_ Atwater whispered over the comms an hour later _"He's by the pool table._ "

"Alright, we're going in." Erin replied.

Jay looked over at Vardos, nodding slightly before standing up from his chair.

"This is ridiculous, quit being such a bitch!" Jay screamed.

Erin reached up and slapped Jay across his cheek "Fuck you asshole!"

Jay takes a step forward and Erin sees out of the corner of her eye as Vardos walks up and steps between the two.

"Hey man, maybe you should go cool off." Vardos says.

Jay glared at her "Whatever, come find me when you're not so emotional." he said before walking over to one of the poker tables Antonio was manning.

Erin sat at the bar and ordered another drink. She felt Vardos come up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder "You ready?"

"Just make the introduction." She said.

"Now?" He asks nervously.

Erin shakes her head "Wait a few minutes. It has to look like we're talking."

They sit for a few minutes, Vardos smiling and pretending to flirt with her as Erin fakes a few laughs and innocent touches. Jay watches her from his seat at the poker table, rolling his eyes as Vardos tries to lower his hand from his place on Erin's shoulder.

"Asshole." He mutters taking a sip of his drink.

 _"Something on your mind Halstead?""_ Ruzek says and Jay can practically hear his smirk through his earpiece.

Jay inwardly curses, remembering his earpiece. He opens his mouth to reply but Atwater cuts him off.

"They're on the move."

With those words his attention snapped back to his partner.

...

Erin followed behind Vardos as he walked over to Jonathan, who had now moved to the lounge area. She watched as the a few guys nodded at Vardos as he passed, and after a few moments she was finally face to face with Jonathan Haynes.

"Eddie, you made it!" Haynes yelled as he got up and shook hands and gave a quick 'man-hug'.

"Hey Jonno." Vardos replied with a smile.

Haynes eyes Erin up and down, and Erin had to fight hard from rolling her eyes and throwing her drink in his face.

"And who is this beauty you've got?" He smiled slyly at her.

"Erin." She smiled sweetly, reaching out to shake his hand.

"She's a potential buyer." Vardos interrupted.

Erin faked a confused look "Buyer?"

Haynes glared at Vardos "What are you talking about Eddie?"

"Why don't you explain your situation sweetheart? I think my friend here might have a solution for you."

Erin smiled nervously and began to explain the situation the team had planned for her "My boyfriend and I, we've been arguing a lot. I think it's both because we're not having ... Um ..."

"You're both a little _frustrated_?" Haynes smirked.

"Yeah." She smiled sheepishly "Anyways, um, Eddie here said you might have a solution for that."

"...Do you party Erin?" Haynes asked.

"Um, I used to back in college." She says "Why?"

"Well, in order to _help_ you with your situation, there's a little bit of partying involved. You down?"

Erin nodded "I'm down."

Antonio signals over to Jay, who then heads to the where Erin is. She spots him coming and turns to face him.

"Babe, I'm so sorry." He says pulling her into his arms "You good?" he whispers quietly.

Erin nods her head and he pulls back to look at her "Hun, this is Eddie and Jonathan. I was just explaining to them about our situation."

Jay's eyes widened "Er, we're fine-"

"Hey dude, don't worry about it!" Jonathan said leaning in to whisper into Jay's ear "Seriously though, if you're not banging her it's a damn shame."

Jay felt his hand ball up into a fist, and he smiled tightly "Yeah, I know."

"You know what? You two seem like a good couple. I'd be happy to help you out, if you're up to it?"

Jay looked at Erin before shrugging "I guess it couldn't hurt."

Haynes signalled to one of the guys behind him, who pulled a small bag out of his jacket and discreetly passed it to him.

 _"Everyone in position?"_ they heard Hank.

 _"We're round the back."_ Hailey answered.

 _"We got the front exits."_ Ruzek said.

Jay waited anxiously as Haynes placed the drugs in his hand "Go." He whispered.

Hank, Olinsky and Ruzek burst through the front door. Antonio and Atwater both pulled out their guns as Upton and Jones busted through the back door.

"Chicago P.D! Jonathan Haynes, you're under arrest" Jay said as he and Erin raised their guns up to point as Haynes.

* * *

"Look Haynes, we can work out a deal here. The State's Attorney is willing to lessen your sentence from life to 20 years, you'll be out long enough to still have somewhat of a life. All you have to do, is give us the name of your higher-ups. Suppliers, dealers, your bosses. You give us that, and you avoid spending the rest of your life rotting in an 8x8 cell." Jay said.

Haynes looked up at Jay and scoffed. Erin narrowed her eyes at him, opening up the folder and showing her the photos of the victims.

"Look at these. These are kids. Someone's daughter, son, friend. _Your_ drugs caused this." Erin said "You should rot in hell for the rest of your life, but we need your cooperation to help shut this down. I'm asking nicely."

"This is your nice?" Haynes said sarcastically.

"About as nice as she's gonna get." Jay muttered.

Haynes was quiet for a while, before eyeing Jay and Erin "I'd like to speak to my lawyer."

...

"Haynes has decided to cooperate." Hank sighed as he exited the interrogation room.

"Only took him six hours." Upton commented as she finished off her paperwork.

"Hank!" Olinsky yelled as he charged up the stairs "Where are Halstead and Lindsay?"

"Jay drove her back to the hotel." Hank said looking at him suspiciously "Alvin, you look like someone lit a fire up your ass. What's wrong?"

"My CI just called. Haynes just put out a $500,000 hit on both Halstead and Lindsay."

* * *

 _"So you're close to finishing up the case?" Dr Charles asked._

 _Jay nodded "We just have to arrest Haynes and see if we can get information out of him on who the higher-ups are, then we can really get somewhere with this."_

 _"And what happens after?"_

 _"Well, Haynes should get at least 20 years to life and hopefully-"_

 _"I didn't mean the case Jay." Dr Charles interrupted "I mean with Erin. Does she go back to New York?'_

 _"Uh, yeah I guess so." Jay shrugged._

 _"And what happens with you two?"_

 _"I don't know anymore." Jay replied "I told her I didn't think we had a future anymore."_

 _"Do you really believe that?"_

 _"I honestly can't decide anymore." Jay sighed._

 _"Look Jay, can I make a suggestion? Ask yourself, deep down, if you can_ truly _live with never seeing Erin again." Dr Charles asks._

...

"So when do you leave?" Jay asks as they get out of the car.

"My flight's tomorrow evening. I wanted to try and spend some time with everyone before I go." Erin replies.

Jay nods, standing awkwardly staring at Erin.

"Um, I should..." She trails off, indicating to the door of her hotel room.

"Erin wait." He reaches out to grab her hand "Could we meet up tomorrow?"

"Sure." Erin replied confused "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just think we need to talk before you leave."

"Okay." Erin smiled, feeling a slight glimmer of hope build inside of her.

Not wanting to ruin the moment, she turned and took a few steps beginning to walk into the hotel building, Jay watching after her.

"Night Erin." He called out.

She smiled brighter and turned around to return the sentiment, and she saw the glimmer the minute the car approached. She felt her feet move faster before he could even register what was happening.

He heard the three consecutive _pop_ of the bullets as Erin's body collided with his, both groaning as they smashed against the concrete pavement. She rolled off of him and Jay eyed the broken glass of his rear car window.

They both got up, Jay leading as he pulled his gun out from its holster and ran after the car, firing off a few bullets as the shooters fired back. He kept running, trying to get a read on the license plate, but gave up as he reached the end of the block.

"YQ8." he whispered "Erin, I got a partial plate. Call Hank."

His turned and noticed that she wasn't behind him and his confusion grew. His eyes squinted, trying to see her in the distance.

"Erin?" He called as he jogged slowly back. He could feel his phone buzzing and quickly grabbed it, hoping she had just taken a wrong turn and lost him in the chase.

 _Hank Voight._

"Hank. Get dispatch to send a unit to the hotel Erin's at. Someone shot at us." Jay cut straight to the chase, his eyes still scanning for Erin.

 _"It's Haynes. He put a bounty out on you and Erin."_ Hank replied _"Are you guys alright?"_

"Yeah I just-" His words fell short as the phone almost fell from his hand.

 _"Halstead?"_ He could hear Hank's voice

"Hank, send an ambulance." He said before hanging up and running the few metres distance to where she lay.

"Erin!" He called as reached her "Are you okay?"

She groaned in pain, her hands clutching her side and he could see the blood she was trying to stop.

"It's fine." She said through gritted teeth.

He placed his hands over the wound, wincing as she let out a yelp of pain when his hands pressed down.

"Ambulance is on its way." Jay said "Just stay with me."

"It's fine, just drive me to Med." She said weakly.

He could see the color draining from her face, the shock setting in "Erin, can you keep your eyes open? Can you do that for me?"

"I'm tired Jay." She said softly "Just drive me to med, the ambo's going to take too long."

He reached for his phone, calling Hank once more.

 _"Hasltead! What the hell is going on!?"_ Hank yelled, and Jay could hear the team asking questions behind his boss.

"Erin's been hit. I need an ambo _now_." He replied

 _"What!? Is she okay? Where's the hit, is she still cons-"_

"Hank!" Jay interrupted "How far is the ambulance."

 _"20 minutes out."_

He saw her eyes fall shut again and he shook her should "Erin, stay with me."

 _"Jay, what is going on?"_ Hank pressed.

"She's keeps closing her eyes. She's not gonna make it 20 minutes."

 _"I'll call 51, see if they can get there any sooner."_ Hank offered.

"Forget it." Jay said scooping her up in his arms "I'm taking her."

 _"Jay, you can't just move her!"_ Kim yelled out _"You have no idea what kind of damage the bullet could've done."_

"I don't have a choice Kim! She could bleed out in the time I wait for help." He said as he placed her in the front seat of the car.

 _"Get her to Med."_ Hank orders _"I'll send units to canvas the scene, and we'll meet you at the hospital."_

Jay hung up the phone, not bothering to give his approval of his boss' plan. Hank knew that he wouldn't have listened to any alternative option. He grabbed his jumper out of the boot of the car and scrunched it up over her wound and quickly pulled off the flannel shirt he had over his black tee, wrapping it around Erin's waist to secure the material in an attempt to control the bleeding.

"Jay." He heard her say.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm going to get you to the hospital." Jay said placing his hand on her cheek gently.

"I'm sorry." She spoke softly as her eyes began to close once more.

"Erin." He shook her shoulders again "Erin!" her eyes stayed closed.

"Dammit." He muttered before quickly shutting the door and hopping into the driver's seat.

He started the car and quickly turned on the sirens, pressing the 2nd speed dial contact on his phone.

"Hey, everything okay?" Will asked as he answered the call.

"I'm on my way to Med. Erin's been shot." Jay said frantically "She's lost a lot of blood, I can't tell if anything vital has been hit, but she's going in and out of consciousness and I can't-"

"Jay, breathe." Will interrupted his rambling brother "Just get here as fast as you can, I'll have a team standing by."

"I should be there in five." Jay replied.

Will nodded and quickly replied "We'll be ready for you. Stay calm Jay, it'll be okay."

With that Will ended the call and Jay focused on getting to Med as quickly as possible, eyeing Erin who sat slumped in the passenger seat with her eyes barely open.

"Just hang on Er." He said as he reached over and grabbed her hand "Stay with me."

 **I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Sorry if this seems a bit rushed but I wanted to wrap up the case because I need Erin back in New York for my story plan!**

 **As always, reviews make my day and keep me motivated so please leave one!**

 **Maddie :)**


	12. Hold On, I Still Need You

**A/N: Hey all! Thanks so much for your reviews! I'm glad everyone liked the little bounty thing I added, I didn't want it to be too predictable haha**

 **I really appreciate the reviews, and I'm sorry for the slightly long wait for this chapter haha**

 **I've added in some stuff to that little spoiler scene I did back in chapter 10** **J**

 **Enjoy!**

"I need some help!" Jay yelled as he rushed into the emergency room, Erin laying in his arms.

Will Halstead jumped up from his seat next to his fiancée, pulling the gurney he had gotten alongside him.

"What happened?" Will asked as Jay placed her down on the gurney.

"Drive-by. Apparently we've got a hit out on us. She took the bullet for me." Will listened to his brother explain the situation as he pushed Erin's gurney into an exam room.

"What have we got?" Connor Rhodes asked as he joined the team of nurses helping Will.

"Erin Lindsay, 32 years old. Gunshot wound to the abdomen, right side. She's lost a lot of blood, in an out of consciousness." Will explained, hooking Erin up to the IV and heart monitor.

"Is she gonna be okay? Will!" Jay called frantically "Is she going to be okay!?"

"Someone get him out of here!" Connor called out.

A nurse walked up to jay and gently held his arm, leading him towards the exit "Will!" He called again.

"I'm going to do everything I can Jay," Will said momentarily looking at his brother "I promise."

"Halstead!" Hank yelled as he saw Jay exit the room "How is she?"

"I don't know. She was unconscious by the time we reached, I tried keeping her awake but she just kept saying she was tired."

Hank frowned as he saw Jay begin to sway on his feet.

"Have you been checked out?" Antonio asked as he saw the wound on Jay's head.

Jay shook his head, regretting the action immediately. Hank reached forward and put his hand over the blood that was running down Jay's face. "Get a nurse" He ordered.

* * *

That had been 3 hours ago. Jay was now sitting in the waiting room - under strict instructions by his brother that if he began pacing around the room again he would be straight back in a hospital bed – with a few stitches in his forehead, as a result of the fall he had taken when Erin tackled him. He had a mild concussion, but the other doctors were confident he would be fine to sit in the waiting room with his unit.

Hank sighed as he looked at the blood on his hands, and then at the blood on Jay's hands. He didn't understand how they got here. How did this happen? The bounty had been out for less than two hours and already they had been attacked.

"Hank." Will said softly as he entered the room.

"Did you get an update?" Hank asked urgently.

Will shook his head "I'm sorry…"

Hank could feel his knees buckle as he heard those words. He felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear the next words that would come out of Will Halstead's mouth. The last time someone had started a conversation with "I'm sorry" the outcome had been very similar to what this could be.

 _"_ _I'm sorry Hank … We did everything we could. Camille's cancer has progressed too far."_

 _"_ _How long does she have?"_

 _"_ _Maybe a few days, at most. You should prepare yourself Hank, and your children. This isn't like the last time. There's not solutions, we've done all we can now. She says she's done. It's time."_

"Hank." Will shook the Sergeant's shoulder gently, breaking him from his thoughts.

"Is she alive?" Hank asked.

Will frowned "Of course. I just wasn't able to get an update. The x-ray showed that the bullet didn't hit any major organs, there are fragments of it that have shattered so her pelvis took a bit of this hit from that. But Connor seems confident she should be okay, provided that nothing goes wrong. He's still trying to stop the bleeding though."

Hank nodded quietly, his eyes glazed over. The memory of losing his wife and son haunted him every day, but now here he was in this hospital again, facing the loss of the last person he called family.

He couldn't lose Erin. He had managed when she left for New York, knowing that she was still alive and healthy, and finally free from her mother. But this he couldn't handle. If she died, he would really lose her for good. And his heart couldn't handle anymore loss.

"Has he said anything to you?" Will asked nodding in the direction of Jay.

Hank shook his head "He walked me through what happened, but other than that nothing."

"I'll handle him." Will said, sensing the fear in Hank's voice.

He knew that both Hank and his brother were equally afraid of losing Erin, and he didn't want to put Hank in charge of being there for Jay on top of his own worries.

"You've got patients Will –"

"Natalie can help me with that. Let me do this, we promised we'd work together remember?"

 _I'm worried about him Sergeant. I haven't seen him like this in a_ _ **long**_ _time." Will said as he paced Hank's office late one night._

 _It had been three months since Erin left. Jay had been doing better in this past week, but something had happened in the past few days to cause him to slip down the rabbit hole yet again._

 _"_ _I don't know what you want from me Will." Hank shrugged._

 _"_ _Help him! You claim this unit is like a family, but you've always disliked Jay just because he and Erin wanted to be together. It's not his fault she left! She's the one who hurt him!"_

 _"_ _He broke up with her, I don't know what he's crying about her leaving for."_

 _"_ _He was going to propose Hank."_

 _The silence after that statement was deafening. Hank put down the paperwork he was reading, his eyes focusing in on Will._

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _Jay asked me for out mum's ring. He was going to propose that night, and Erin left. He wanted to fix things Hank."_

 _"_ _Dammit." Hank sighed. He knew he was being tough on Jay, but he genuinely thought that Jay was just wallowing in his self-pity. Little did he know the real extent of the issue._

 _"_ _Look, I'm not asking you to keep giving him chances, but I just need some help._ _ **He**_ _needs help. Please Hank, you're my only option ... Erin would want you to help."_

 _"…_ _Fine. But we work together. We've both got our own lives to live too, no dumping everything on the other."_

Hank smiled softly "Thanks Will."

"No problem sir." He squeezed Hank's shoulder before walking over to his brother and sitting down next to him.

* * *

 _"_ _I'd take a bullet just to come over to your house tonight." She said with a smirk._

 _Jay felt his cheeks flush at her comment "… Which part of your body would you sacrifice?"_

 _He watched Erin shrug, her eyes roaming his body "Shoulder … Fleshy part of the thigh."_

 _"_ _Oh I feel special." He chuckled._

 _"_ _You should." She sassed back, her smile matching his._

 _…_

 _Jay dropped down onto his couch later that night sighing contently as he took a sip of his beer, letting the refreshing beverage run through his body._

 _He heard a faint knock on the door and groaned, shutting his eyes and praying for whoever it was to leave him alone._

 _The knocking stopped after a few minutes, and Jay smiled to himself. He heard his phone ring indicating a text and he looked down to see Erin's name._

 ** _'_** ** _Are you not going to let me in? This pizza, and I, won't be hot for long.'_**

 _He quickly jumped up from the couch and rushed over to the door, opening it and seeing Erin in her jeans and slinky back singlet. His breath hitched as he took in her slightly curled blonde hair resting gently on her shoulder, one strap of her very snug shirt falling off her shoulder and his eyes quickly glanced down her body before he met her eyes._

 _"_ _I thought you were going to go home and sleep?" he asked lamely._

 _Erin smirked and raised one eyebrow as she leaned against the door "Well, I know I don't have a bullet in me, but I thought you'd still appreciate me coming over?"_

 _"_ _Oh definitely." He said quickly taking the pizza from her with one hand and taking her hand in his other, pulling her inside after him._

 _He dumped the pizza box on the coffee table and turned around to face Erin, pulling her into his arms and kissing her fiercely._

 _"_ _The pizza." She mumbled against his lips "Should eat while it's hot."_

 _Jay leaned back and smirked "I'd rather have you while you're hot. Apparently it won't be for long."_

 _Erin rolled her eyes at his cheesy reply, giggling as he lifted her up and carried her into his bedroom._

 _…_

"Jay, Jay wake up." Will says shaking his brother's shoulder.

Jay's eyes open groggily, disoriented as he looks around the waiting room. It takes a few moments for reality to set in but Will holds his brother firmly as his eyes widened in realization.

"Erin." He says panicked "How long was I out"?

"A couple hours." Will replied.

Jay shot up quickly out of his chair "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You needed the rest Jay, especially with the blow to your head."

"How's Erin?" Jay asked again looking around "Where is everyone?"

"Hank sent them all home. They've got to go into work tomorrow and finish up the case."

"Where's Hank?" Jay pressed.

"He's with Erin." Will replied "She's in recovery right now-"

"What room." Jay said starting to walk towards the front desk.

"Jay wait." Will said grabbing his arm "You can't go in."

"What the hell do you mean!?" Jay exclaims "I need to see her Will, you can't just-"

"Jay, relax. Hank wants some time with her first." Will said trying to calm his brother.

Will watched as Jay paced the floor, trying to piece things together "…How is she doing?"

"She lost a lot of blood, no major organs were hit and luckily Connor was able to stop the bleed that occurred. Shrapnel from the bullet did get lodged in her pelvis, so she's going to need some rehab. But, as long as there are no post OP issues, she should be good to go in a few months."

Jay nodded his head, relief sinking in. Erin was okay. She was alive.

"When can I see her?" he asked again.

Will shrugged "As soon as Hank comes back out, I guess."

Jay sighed as he sat back down in the chair. She was alive. And for now, it was just a waiting game.

 **A/N: Okay, so I feel like this was a really shitty ending to the chapter haha but I really wanted to try and get this up asap.**

 **Next chapter is where a new set of drama starts haha, I've been planning all this out for a while and it's finally here! I'm so excited for you guys to see what's coming up.**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think, and if there's anything you'd like to see! Hope you're all having a good week.**

 **Maddie :)**


	13. Words That I Could Never Say

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all the feedback for last chapter, I'm really glad you guys are liking what I'm writing and enjoying it as much as I am.**

 **Also, the Hank and Jay flashback scene is finally here! Well, almost all of it haha**

 **It will pick up from where the anniversary flashback left off so I've added in a little bit of that one just so it's not too confusing.**

 **Lastly, I tried to write Erin waking up from her perspective a little bit. There's a flashback embedded in her waking up - kind of like she's dreaming it because she can hear Jay while she's unconscious? I don't know if it'll make sense when reading but hopefully it does :)**

 **Enjoy!**

 _(October 2015)_

" _Wow." Erin said as she fell down against Jay's chest. Her head fell into the crook of Jay's shoulder as she tried to regain her breath._

 _Jay looked up and smirked at her "I guess we tested out the function well enough."_

 _Erin giggled softly, whacking her hand against Jay's chest "You're terrible."_

" _Oh really? Because the sounds you were making earlier indicated otherwise, I think it was something like –"_

" _Don't you dare Halstead." Erin said covering his mouth with her hand._

 _She removed her hand after a few minutes and Jay laughed. He moved his arm to wrap her against his chest, holding her tightly. Erin yawned against his chest and Jay laughed softly._

" _I guess I wore you out, you want to go to bed?" He asked._

" _Are you going home?" She replied._

 _Jay looked her in the eyes "Do you want me to go?"_

 _Erin looked down, suddenly feeling shy, and shrugged her shoulders._

" _Erin." Jay pressed again, placing his fingers under her chin to push her head up so she had to look at him._

" _I want you to stay." She whispered softly, allowing Jay to see the vulnerability behind her eyes._

 _Jay smiled and kissed her forehead, lifting her up in his arms and carrying them both into her bedroom._

…

"Halstead." Hank said pulling Jay from his sleep "You doing okay?"

Jay looked up groggily, nodding his head at his sergeant "I think the past 24 hours have taken a toll, that's all."

"Maybe you should go home." Hank says looking worried.

"I'm fine." Jay says sitting up in the chair "Can I see her yet?"

"Yeah, follow me." Hank says as Jay stands up.

They walk down a few corridors, it feels like forever to Jay before he lays his eyes on Erin. He feels his breath hitch at the amount of monitors in the room, her usually full-of-life body suddenly pale and fragile. Jay sits down next to her and gently takes her hand in his, Hank watching from the door.

"I've got to head into work early, I'll come check in tomorrow." Hank says coming to pat Jay on the back "You good?"

Jay nods "It's just hard to see her like this."

"She's a fighter Jay, she'll pull through." Hank tells him "I'll see you tomorrow." He says walking to the door.

"Hank?" Jay says stopping the older man "You remember that night?"

 _Today was their one-year anniversary._

 _With that thought in mind he walked into his kitchen and opened the liquor cabinet, cursing Will when he saw the bare shelves._

 _He grabbed his keys and walked out the door. He didn't give a damn if it cost him his job, he couldn't get through tonight sober._

…

" _How long has he been here?" Hank asks as he enters the precinct._

 _Platt shrugs in return "Maybe 20 minutes? The minute I realized he was up there I called you."_

" _Thanks Trudy." Hank says gruffly running up the stairs._

 _He sighs as he sees Jay, drunkenly trying to pull Erin's desk from its spot in the bullpen._

" _Halstead." Voight griped "What the hell are you doing?"_

" _You can't give this desk to Upton!" Jay slurs "It's Erin's desk. If she doesn't get it, no one does!"_

" _So what? You're going to carry it down the two flights of stairs to get to the back entrance?" Hank says sarcastically._

 _Jay rolled his eyes and looked up at his Sergeant "Oh fuck off Voight. You got what you wanted, just leave me alone?"_

" _How did I get what I wanted Halstead!? The one woman I still considered my family is gone. I'm down two detectives because you can't get yourself together, just because_ _ **you**_ _feel guilty doesn't mean you get to sit here and drown your sorrows!" Hank yells._

" _You never even gave me a chance!" Jay exclaims "All I ever wanted was to be with her! I would've given up_ _ **everything**_ _to be with her! But I wasn't good enough, was I Hank!? You were never going to see me as someone who was worthy of marrying your daughter."_

 _Jay sits down on the floor, the empty bottle of whiskey being kicked in the process. His head falls into his hands and Hank watches, at a loss for what to do._

" _Halstead… You're about the only man I ever thought would be worthy of Erin." Hank sighs "I'm sorry she left, but you're sitting here wallowing in self-pity because you missed your chance. This has nothing to do with me, or even Erin. You're angry with yourself, because you left when it got too hard and you never got the chance to fix it with her."_

"Of course." Hank replies shortly walking back over to Jay.

"You were right. I was blaming myself for her leaving. I was mad at her, but not because it was her fault. It was because I knew I had screwed things up, and that I'd never have a chance to fix them."

"So what are you going to do about it now?" Hank asks.

Jay shrugs silently, and Hank pats his shoulder reassuringly before exiting the room once more.

Jay sits in silence for a few minutes, making sure Hank is gone and that no one will be interrupting him.

"Hey Erin. So, here's the thing. I need you to wake up." He says softly "I wanted to tell you tomorrow, but … Now I may not get the chance."

* * *

" _You were right. I was blaming myself for her leaving."_ Erin heard his voice before she saw him, her brain registering his distinct sound.

Where was she? What happened? _'Come on, open your eyes Erin.'_ She could hear her brain but her body wouldn't respond.

" _Hey Erin. So, here's the thing. I need you to wake up."_

She wanted to scream. To tell him that she needed that too, but she could feel his voice fading away and her body falling back to sleep again.

…

Everything is heavy and aching; arms, head, legs, eyelids. Nothing will move. There's a burning pain in her side, a discomfort like she's never felt, and she wants to move. To try and find a more comfortable position, but she can't. Her body won't listen to her.

"You remember that day we went to my grandparents cottage house?" She could hear him asking her, and her mind flooded with the memories his words invoked

…

 _(September 2016)_

Jay pulled up at a large, cottage-like house. He put the car in park and looked at Erin before he got out of the car, racing over to open the door for her. She smiled as she stepped out

"Jay Halstead, ever the gentleman" she teased

"You know you love it" he smirked as he moved to the boot of his car, collecting the picnic basket stored in there before taking Erin's hand and walking around to the back of the house.

"You do know this is private property right?" Erin said as they walked past the sign indicating so.

Jay chuckled as he opened the gate to the backyard "Relax. This is my grandfather's holiday house" he replied.

Erin frowned as he led her through the large backyard, the garden at the lower half spanning out up to the little docking area at the rivers edge.

"I thought that was Wisconsin?" she asked as they walked through the garden, the purple wildflowers brushing gently against Erin's leg.

"This is his other one. My grandfather made some wise investments when he was young" he said as way of explanation.

They reached the dock and Jay stopped, causing Erin to bump into him as he was still holding onto her hand behind him.

He let go of her hand and placed the basket on the bench of the wooden picnic table, opening it up and pulling out a red checkered table cloth.

He set up the table, Erin watching him in curiosity as he worked, moving around the table and pulling out various contents from the basket before placing them down. He finished within a few minutes, the end result being a cute little lunch for the two, with a little vase in the middle. Jay quickly walked to the edge of the garden and pulled a few wildflowers before racing back to place them in the vase. He indicated for Erin to sit down before taking his place across from her.

They ate and talked, about anything and everything. Jay explained his family and Erin shed some light on why her mother had made suprises not so great for her as a child. They talked about work, and their friends. Erin showed him the photos of Hank Jr that Justin had recently sent, the one year old now just starting to walk. Jay showed her his sister and her husband and his brother and his latest fling. They talked for hours, enjoying each other's company and the knowledge that they could be free to be together without Voight or anyone else walking in and breaking them from their moment.

"So" Erin said as jay put his family photos back in his wallet "What made you do all this?"

Jay shrugged "Can't a guy just do something nice for his girl?" he asked, hoping that the labelling of Erin as 'his girl' would distract her from her line of questioning. He knew his answer could potentially be too much.

Erin leaned in, resting her arms on the table as she looked Jay in the eyes "You know, your right eyebrow always lifts when you're lying. It's slight, no one really notices. And you try to label me or say something you know will distract me when you want to avoid a situation" she said, grinning widely "nice try Halstead, spit it out"

Jay sighed "Promise me you're not gonna freak out and go all 'commitment-phobia' on me ok"

Erin rolled her eyes at the mention of the apparently 'legitimate' medical term for her reluctance to tall Voight about their relationship

"Fine." she said.

"Do you remember a few months back, just after we had gone to the sex club when trying to bail out Antonio?" he started as she nodded her head "We somehow got onto the dating game conversation and I was telling you about the first dates I'd had, and to this day I've never forgotten your reply " he said as Erin's mind clicked where he was going.

 _"I never got to have a normal date growing up Halstead. The guys I dated, their ideas of dates were the of the two minute variety and were normally in the backseat of a car. I always wanted one of those dates in the movies or on TV. For a guy to take me somewhere special. I get to wear a nice dress, he dresses in a button up shirt and jeans. Casual, just lunch or dinner. I want a date where someone actually gets to know me. Where all they want from me is to talk. And at the end of the date a simple goodnight kiss" Erin told Jay as they sat in the diner around the corner from the district, still in their clothes from their mission earlier._

 _Jay smiled sadly before taking Erin's hand in his "I promise Erin, you're going to find a guy who will take you on that date. And it'll be worth the wait. Believe me" he squeezed her hand gently as she looked into his eyes._

"I can't believe you still remember that" Erin whispered as she broke out of her reverie.

Jay chuckled softly "I remember a lot more than you think Erin" he looked into her eyes "you like to act like a tough person, but I see you. I see the other side of you, and I wish you wouldn't hide it. I love that part of you."

She got up and walked around to his side of the bench before sitting next to him and leaning her head on his shoulder. Jay wrapped his arm around her waist, settling his hand against the little slit on the side of the white dress, feeling her skin against his palm.

"So, why is this place so special?" she asked him, remembering the 'criteria' she had set for the date way-back-when

Jay smiled fondly at the memories stirring within him "When my mum was sick, she brought me and my siblings here. She wanted to show us where she had grown up. Will and I were playing inside with Grandpa and Grandma, and I spotted mum out here by herself." he felt tears prick his eyes at the thought of his mother.

"I came out here and sat with her. She just watched the river, holding my little body in her arms for about ten minutes before she spoke. She told me that this spot was her favourite place in the world, It was where she felt the safest and the most free." Jay explained.

"I remember she told me 'One day Jay, you're going to find a girl that means the absolute world to you, just like you, Will and Rachel are to me. She'll be your best friend, and you'll love her so much. And I won't be with you to tell you that she's the one, so you bring her here to meet me. And I'll be there. No matter what, if you feel like you've lost me, just come here. I'll always be here with you'." he finished, taking a large breath as he felt a flood of emotions hit him at once. He looked down at Erin before speaking again

"I know we've only been together a few months, but you're my partner and best friend above all of it Erin. You mean the absolute world to me, and so that's why I brought you with me. Because this is the one place in the world I've ever truly felt at peace because I know she's here with me. And I know my mum would've loved you, so I brought you here so she could at least be with us in spirit."

Erin smiled as she kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck, her hands joining to rest on his back. He wrapped both his arms tighter around her waist pulling her body closer to his as he felt their kiss escalate. They pulled back after a few minutes, both taking in some much needed air.

"I love you" she whispered "I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that no matter what I love you and I always will Jay Halstead."

Jay smiled brightly as he leaned in to kiss her again, whispering just as their lips touched

"I love you too."

…

"Erin?" Jay asked as he saw her lips curl "Erin can you hear me?"

The smile was gone as quickly as it came, and Jay sat back down sadly, squeezing her hand tighter.

"Anyways, I remember sitting with you and thinking that life couldn't get any better than this. And then we moved in together, and you told me you loved me. And we had so many more memories together...I can't accept that our last memories together would be fighting about the past. That's what I wanted to talk to you about, I want to move on Erin. I want us to be in each other's lives. I can't live without you, I don't know any other way." Jay said softly.

"Just, please wake up Erin. Please. Our story doesn't end like this, I won't allow it."

* * *

It was six hours later. Almost a full day since she had taken a bullet. It was in the late hours of the night when she finally opened her eyes.

She took in her surroundings, confused at first. It all came rushing back to her and she felt the relief of knowing she was still alive.

Her body felt sore, having lay in the same spot completely still for what felt like weeks. She could feel a tingling sensation in her left arm and moved her head slowly, her eyes taking in the mess of brown hair that attached the head plonked down on top of her hand.

She could feel his hands holding hers, and she willed her body to wiggle her fingers under his cheek. He stirred slightly but didn't wake.

"Jay." She winced at the hoarse sound her dry throat made.

"Jay." She tired again, slightly louder, causing her throats to contract and a rough bout of coughing to commence.

Jay's head shot up at the movement and he looked around surprised before his eyes finally landing on her.

"Erin." He said gratefully, leaning forward to hug her tightly to him.

"Jay. Water." She coughed more as his hold on her restricted her breathing further.

"Oh. Right." He muttered quickly reaching to get the jug of water and filling up the little plastic cup that sat on her bedside table.

He brought the cup to her lips and held it there for her to take small sips.

"How are you feeling?" He asked when she had finished.

"Like I just got shot." She muttered sarcastically.

Jay laughed "Nice to know you still have your sense of humour."

"Always." She whispered "you didn't have to stay."

"I wanted to." Jay shrugged "besides, that's why you have backup. Right?"

Erin smiled softly "right." She reached over and held his hand in hers once more, feeling a sense of safety she hadn't felt in so long.

Jay looked down at their joined hands, and she could see the panic set in his eyes. He gently pulled his hand away from hers and stood up.

"I'm going to get the doctors, they need to check up on you." He said awkwardly "I'll be right back."

Erin sighed as she watched him walkout. And just like that, the safety she felt was once again gone.

 **A/N: sorry if this chapter is a bit everywhere I've been writing bits and pieces slowly over the last two weeks since my previous update.**

 **Thank you guys so much for your reviews, please keep them coming! Next chapter should be up soon, I'm excited for you guys to see what I have planned heeheehee**

 **Hope you're all having a lovely week.**

 **Maddie :)**


	14. Every Word Feels Like it Weighs a Ton

You Were Good, Then You Were Gone – Chapter 14

 **A/N: Hey guys! I'm SO sorry that I haven't updated in awhile, I've had a lot of work for university so I got a bit sidetracked. On the bright side though, I've finished this chapter AND the next chapter so there will only be a few days wait between chapters this time.**

 **I figured it was fitting to post a new chapter in honour of PD and Fire returning this week :)**

 **Enjoy!**

"Follow the light please." Connor Rhodes asked as he put the little light into Erin's line of sight. Erin squinted at the harsh light, letting her eyes adjust before following his instructions.

She had been awake now for almost half an hour, and it had been non-stop check-ups since the moment Jay had left her side. Erin sighed as she thought of her former partner; he hadn't come back into the room since she woke up.

"Okay, everything seems to be good." Connor smiled "I'll let you rest, you've got a whole bunch of people waiting outside to see you. I'll come back in about an hour to check up on you, okay?"

"Thanks Connor." Erin smiled tiredly.

Will stayed in his position leaning against the doorway as he watched Connor finish up. He could see the sadness in Erin's eyes, presumably from the missing presence of his brother.

"How are you feeling?" Will asked.

'Like I got shot." Erin muttered sarcastically.

Will chuckled "Still got that same wit I see."

Erin shrugged her shoulders in return "I heard the fan club's out there."

"Oh, just your standard members. Voight, Platt, Burgess, some of the Fire department –"

"Wait Burgess is here!?" Erin exclaimed, her tiredness suddenly not as present "It's like 4 am Will! She's pregnant!"

"I'm well aware of the time Erin." Jay deadpanned.

"Will, tell her to go home. She can't be stressed out over me, she needs to take care of herself."

"Oh relax!" Will and Erin both turned their heads to the doorway "I'm pregnant, not elderly! I'm perfectly capable of sleeping in a hospital waiting room. It's not like the baby's letting me sleep much anyways."

Erin smiled as Kim walked further into the room, Will helping her to sit down in the chair that Jay had previously occupied. Kim took Erin's hand in hers squeezing tightly.

"I missed you Kimberley." Erin smiled softly.

"You're never allowed to scare me like that again Erin Lindsay." Kim said sternly "Do you have any idea what you put us through?"

"I'm sorry Kim. Next time someone tries to shoot at me, I'll duck." Erin deadpanned.

"I'm serious Erin." Kim says, her voice sobering Erin's amused expression quickly "Hank, Jay and the team, we all need you...My little girl's going to need her aunty."

"Kim" Erin smiled "You're going to have a little girl!?"

"Yeah, and I definitely need you to be around because we both know I'm going to need someone to calm me down when she starts driving me up the walls." Kim laughed.

"I promise Kim. I'm not going anywhere this time around." Erin said reaching over as best she could to place her hand with Kim's over her growing baby.

* * *

Jay sat in the waiting room, elbows on his knees and head in his hands as he waited for the team to all visit with Erin. He wasn't sure what to do; their moment after she woke up had thrown him for a loop.

"Hey." Jay looked up as Eric sat down next to him.

"Hey." Jay said softly "How's your daughter?"

"Lucy's good, she's recovering well and she's got her sister and Jack with her. How's our partner?"

Jay shrugged in return "I'm not sure. She woke up about an hour ago, they're doing checkups and everyone's visiting her."

"What about you?" Jones asked "How are you?"

"You don't need to worry about me Jones." Jay replied shortly.

"Actually I do." Jones insisted "I know we only just met, but it feels like I've known you for the past two years. And I know Erin would want me to make sure you were doing okay."

Jay continued to look confused and Eric took the opportunity to keep explaining "You know when I first met Erin, I had already heard a _lot_ about her. I was expecting this tough, badass, funny girl that would be all serious during work hours, but could have a good time after hours. After everything I heard about her, I was so excited to work with her."

"She's an amazing partner." Jay said quietly.

"She is." Eric agreed "But when I met her, she was so far from the woman I'd heard about. She was different, it was like … the light had gone out in her eyes. She rarely spoke unless it was work related, she didn't hang out with us after work, and she was always adamant of sitting in the passenger seat when we drove. I would offer but she'd get snappy. It was about 6 months into our partnership that she cracked."

 _Okay seriously, what the hell is your problem!?" Eric yelled as they walked out of the district._

 _Erin looked back at him shocked "Excuse me?"_

 _You're totally zoned out! I've been trying to make conversation with you for the past six months, and nothing! When I first heard about you, people said you were a force to be reckoned with. I assumed, working under Hank Voight, you'd be a complete and utter hardass who doesn't take anybody's crap."_

 _And who says I'm not?" She sassed back._

 _Well considering all you've done the past six months is mope around, what do you expect me to think!?" He yelled._

 _Erin stayed quiet, knowing that he was right. She had been wallowing in her self-pity for the past year and a half. Jones sighed and placed his hand on Erin's shoulder._

 _Look, whatever's going on with you, we're partners. You can lean on me if you need to." He said softly._

 _Erin nodded her head but continued to look down at the ground; she didn't want him to see her breakdown._

 _"Alright, I think that was enough emotions for one night. Can I give you a ride home?" Jones asked._

 _Erin shook her head, letting out a soft sniffle "I can walk."_

 _Don't be silly Erin. Get in the car." Erin moved quietly to the passenger side and sat in the car as Eric joined her in the driver side._

 _The ride was quiet as they sat in the typical New York traffic. Erin stared out the window, Eric occasionally looking between her and the traffic ahead of him._

 _I left a lot of people when I left home." Erin said suddenly "And my partner, he …"_

 _He wasn't just your partner." Eric stated._

 _I'm sorry that I've been so rude to you, I guess I'm just trying to avoid making any connections here. I don't have a family here, I have no friends –"_

 _Hey. You have me." Jones interrupted "I know I'm not family, but I'm here if you need me."_

 _Erin smiled slightly, turning to look at her partner "Thank you Eric."_

"Her heart was always in Chicago Jay. She never truly left you." Jones smiled.

"Thanks Eric."

"Look, I know it's not my place to say, but can I suggest one last thing?" Eric asked as Jay nodded "It's time to move on Jay. Both you and Erin have been stuck in the past for three years now. You guys have to let go."

"I know." Jay said softly "I wanted to talk to her. Before the shooting, I asked her if we could talk before she leaves. And then everything happened, and I thought I was going to lose her…"

"So maybe you need to go back in there and talk to her." Jones suggested.

Jay sighed standing up from his chair "Maybe you're right."

He left Jones sitting in the waiting room, walking with a determination he hadn't felt in the last three years. His heart was racing as he knocked gently on the door to her room, eyeing Hank, Burgess and Ruzek who all sat around her bed.

"Hey." Erin's smile brightens when she sees him and he can feel his heart warm.

"Hey." He replied nervously "Can we talk?"

 **A/N: Okay so I'm not the happiest with this ending, BUT I am really excited to show you guys the next chapter so I wanted to get this posted asap.**

 **I hope you like the flashback and the bits of Erin and Kim, because I'm hardcore missing Lingess as well as Linstead this season!**

 **Next chapter: Jay and Erin FINALLY talk!**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you guys think! I'm 12 away from 200 and I have the next chapter ready so I'm going to put in some incentive - when I hit 200 reviews I'll post the next chapter!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	15. Darlin just dive right in Follow my lead

**A/N: 209 reviews!? You guys are the best! Thank you so much I love you all! Hope you like the talk, I feel like it's sort of the set off point for the rest of the story…**

 **Enjoy!**

 _He left Jones sitting in the waiting room, walking with a determination he hadn't felt in the last three years. His heart was racing as he knocked gently on the door to her room, eyeing Hank, Burgess and Ruzek who all sat around her bed._

 _"Hey." Erin's smile brightens when she sees him and he can feel his heart warm._

 _"Hey." He replied nervously "Can we talk?"_

"Of course." Erin said softly, her eyes scanning Hank and her friends.

Kim coughed self-consciously "Come on Adam, you can buy me dinner."

Adam chuckled as he helped his wife stand up, the two exiting the room quickly.

"I'll come by tomorrow." Hank said to Erin before turning to the door "Halstead."

"Sir." Jay nodded. He waited until everyone had left the room before making his way over to the bed and sitting down in one of the empty chairs.

"Hi." He said again nervously.

Erin smiled gently once more, reaching over to place her hand on his shoulder "Hi."

"... You really scared me Erin." He whispered "In all the years you've been in my life, I've never come that close to losing you. Even when you were in New York, at least I knew you were alive."

"I'm sorry." She said softly.

They sat there for a moment, Jay's words sinking in before Erin sat up slightly and looked Jay right in the eye.

"Before all this chaos, you said you wanted to talk before I left."

"Yeah .. I guess I wanted to clear the air before you left." He said.

"So clear it now." She replied "Be honest with me Jay. Let it all out."

He took a deep breath and Erin took the chance to place her hand over his which had now come to rest on her bed. He stared at their joint hands for a few moments before softly starting to talk.

"A part of me will always love you Erin. My heart can never truly be someone else's, because what we had was perfect." Jay said "I know we had our problems, but I always knew I wanted my life to be with you."

"I know. So did I." Erin said softly.

"My love for you … it consumed me. It filled me. And I know I sound all mushy and lovey-dovey but that's the truth. I've never wanted anyone else as much as I wanted you. As much as I _needed_ you."

"I felt the same way. I loved you Jay. Truly. You have to know that." Erin says firmly, her tone growing more serious. She needs him to know just how much she loved him.

"I know." He smiled "I can't imagine my life without you Erin. There were nights when we were apart, that I'd come home and pretend that you were there with me. By now, you would have a wedding band sitting under my mother's engagement ring on your finger. I'd come home and place my hand on the little bump of your belly, and you'd give me a kiss. I'd tell you that we couldn't keep pretending you had the flu to hide your morning sickness, and you'd insist that we had to keep it quiet until the twelve-week mark just to be safe. But we'd both know that you were scared that people would judge you, that your past would never escape you and people would question your ability to be a mum. I'd keep reassuring you that wasn't the truth, and in time you'd come to learn it yourself; when you tell Hank he's having another grandchild and he hugs you and reassures to you what I'd been telling you since the day we first talked about having kids."

Erin felt tears prick her eyes. She remembered that day well, the day she first knew she could see a future with Jay.

" _Are we going to talk about this?" He asked as they walked through the door of their apartment._

 _Erin sighed "Jay, it's late. It's been a long day and I just want to take a shower and go to bed."_

" _We have to talk about this."_

" _It's nothing Jay."_

" _It's a baby Erin."_

" _It_ _ **could**_ _have been a baby Jay." Erin said turning to face him "What do you want me to say?"_

" _I want to know how you're feeling!" Jay exclaimed stepping closer to her "We were one pink plus sign away from our whole lives changing Erin, and it doesn't really seem like you care."_

" _That's not true." She said, her soft words emphasising her hurt._

" _Then explain it to me Erin, because I can't understand you. I'm trying, I am, but you have to talk to me about this. We have to talk to each other. Please." He pleaded taking another step closer to her_

 _Erin felt the tears threatening to fall from her eyes as she wrapped her arms around herself "I'm scared, okay? In case you haven't noticed I have a pretty shit excuse for a mother. That maternal crap everyone talks about? How the hell am I supposed to have that when I had Bunny for a mother. It's in my DNA to be a bad mother Jay."_

" _Erin-"_

" _It's not that the idea of a baby with you scares me Jay, it's the idea of me as a_ _ **mother**_ _that terrifies the living shit out of me okay? I don't want to disappoint you if I screw up, and we both know that I will."_

 _By this point her tears were slowly falling and Jay had finally taken that last step towards her and wrapped her in his arms. She let herself bask in the warmth and safety that radiated from him and let her head fall onto his chest so she could hear his steady heartbeat, his chin coming to rest on her hair as he subtly swayed with her in his arms._

" _You're going to be an amazing mother Erin. I know you're scared, but you forget something; You're not alone in this. You would have me, Hank, and the whole unit to help you. There are doctors and books and so many resources to help us figure out what works best for us as parents. But most importantly, you had Camille. And she was your mum, in every way that matters. And if she was here right now, I bet you she'd be telling you the exact same thing I'm telling you too."_

"I used to dream about the night I left." Erin said suddenly "I was standing on the bridge that night when you called me. Every night after I got to New York, I kept dreaming that I picked up that phone. That I told you what was happening. And you would tell me to come home, to let you help me, to stay with you. And I did."

Erin sniffled softly, trying to hold her tears at bay as she kept explaining "You'd take me in your arms, and the whole world would fade away. I would feel safe and loved, just like you always made me feel. And you would tell me that nothing else mattered as long as we were together."

Jay smiled at her story, envisioning the moment in his mind "After that night at Molly's, when I found out about your proposal, the dreams came back. Except this time you asked me to marry you, and every time I said yes. There was never a doubt in my mind that you were the one I would spend the rest of my life with Jay, and I wish I hadn't screwed it up as badly as I did."

"You didn't. Erin, we both played a part in what happened. You may have left me, but I left _us_ first. I walked out that door, and I agreed on taking a break, and I shouldn't have. I should've fought harder to keep you in my life, because I need you in it. And I've tried to deny it, but I can't."

She felt her heart ache when he repeated those words back to her "I'm sorry for yelling at you like that." She said "When you came to my hotel, I was just surprised. What you said, it was true. And I shouldn't have lashed out the way I did."

Jay shook his head "you weren't wrong Erin … When you were sleeping, I was talking to Hank. He told me, when you had first left, that I was so mad because I let you go. Because I felt guilty for not fighting us when I had the chance. And I've been trying to run from that truth for the past three years, but yesterday I realised that he was right."

"We both made mistakes Jay. And if I could go back and fix them I would." Erin said.

"Me too." Jay replied squeezing her hand "but we can't change the past. We can only move forward."

"So what does that mean? For us, how do we move forward?" Erin asked nervously.

"You have to go back to New York, and I have to stay here in Chicago. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I know I said before that our story ends here, but I was wrong. Just because we can't be together doesn't mean we can't be in each other's lives."

Erin can feel her body sag in relief "I agree. And I'll be visiting more now, I promised Kim I'd meet her baby. And I don't want to stay away from my family anymore."

"Good, because we don't want you to." Jay said.

"Thank you." Erin said squeezing Jay's hand tighter.

Jay smiled and held her hand tighter as well. And for the first time in three years, both Erin and Jay felt more complete than they ever had before.

* * *

 _(One week later)_

"Okay, you got everything?" Jay asked as he loaded the last suitcase into Hank's car.

Erin laughed as she walked down the walkway of hank's front yard, trying to navigate herself slowly with the walking stick Will had made her use.

"Jay I can carry my own bags."

"Hey, you got shot saving my life. It's the least I can do." Jay said sternly.

Erin rolled her eyes at him, placing her carry on in the front seat of the car before turning to face Jay.

"So I guess this is it." Erin said.

Jay nodded "But I'll see you in three weeks for Kim's baby shower right? And you can call or text me anytime."

Erin smiled sadly "Yeah, I just feel weird. I'm gonna miss it here."

"Well you can visit as much as you want kid." Hank's gruff voice sounded out as he walked up to the two detectives "We better get going otherwise you'll miss your plane."

Erin nodded in response, leaning in to hug Jay "I'll see you soon."

"Definitely." Jay smiled as he helped her into the car "Bye Er."

"Bye Jay." She said softly as Hank started the car and began the drive to Chicago O'Hare.

Jay watched for a moment as the car drove down the street and out of sight. He sighed, watching her leave again. But he felt his warm at the thought that this time, she wasn't leaving for good.

 **A/N: I'm not too confident about the ending but I'd had their whole talk written out for about a month now and I was so excited to get it out I feel like I may have rushed the ending …**

 **Anyways, I'm so excited for what's coming next! I have everything planned already for this story and I'm so excited for you guys to read and see just how Jay and Erin find their way back to one another and how it will all work now that she's back in New York.**

 **Just in case the flashback wasn't too clear, it was supposed to be that Jay and Erin had a pregnancy scare when they were dating.**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think! They make my day and inspire me to write more! Hope you're all having a lovely day**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	16. Don't You Forget About Me

**A/N: You guys are the best! 220 reviews is the most I've gotten for a story in such a short time. Thank you all so much!**

 **This episode has texting so I've put -J and -E at the end of the texts so you guys know who's talking. Also, I've got Erin and Jay's thoughts in certain areas which isn't really a new thing if you've read my writing.**

 **BUT because it's during a phone conversation the thoughts and dialogue look similar since Erin is in italics, so keep an eye out for thoughts in single apostrophe (') and the dialogue in the quotation marks (") it's confusing me too but I don't really know what else to do about it haha**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Erin groaned as she filled out another form that sat on her desk. She had been back in New York for a week and wasn't yet allowed to be back on active duty. The rest of the team had gone to the house a man who had been suspected of murdering his girlfriend.

"Having fun?" Erin's head popped up as Jane came out of her office.

"This is bullshit. I should be out there with the -"

"Until the doctor clears you, you're stuck on desk duty Erin." Jane said sternly.

"I know." Erin grumbled as Jane laughed walking back into her office.

Erin sighed picking up another bunch of forms to complete. Her wound had been healing well, but the doctors were worried if she went back to work too early that her incision would re-open, which meant Erin was stuck behind the desk for another two weeks at least - much to her annoyance. She was in the middle of filling out the forms when she heard her phone buzz against the desk.

 _'_ _How's desk duty?'_ She smiled at the text that Jay had sent.

 _'_ _Bored out of my mind."_ she replied before setting her phone back down.

She heard it buzz a minute later.

 _J: 'Too bad you're not still in Chicago, you missed an epic smack down.'_

 _E: 'Suspect?'_

 _J: 'Better. Kim and Adam.'_

 _E: 'WHAT!? Details!'_

"Erin!" Jones yelled as he came into the bullpen "What's got you so smiley?"

Erin's hand covered her mouth self-consciously as she put her phone down "What?"

"How's Halstead?" Jones smirked.

Erin narrowed her eyes "The _team_ is fine."

Jones rolled his eyes before sitting down at his desk across from Erin "If you say so."

* * *

 _"_ _I can't believe Adam spilled the beans."_ Erin laughed into the loudspeaker.

"I could kill him! We were supposed to do it together at the baby shower!" Kim exclaimed as she paced around her apartment.

"I said I was sorry! It was an accident!" Erin laughed hearing Adam yell in the background.

 _"_ _Kim, you spilled the beans too-"_ Erin started.

"Wait, what!? You told Erin before me?" Jay laughed.

 _"_ _Well, I am her favourite person."_ Erin said and Jay could practically hear her smirk.

"Whatever." Jay scoffed.

"I can't believe you **purposely** told Erin, but you still yelled at me for **accidentally** spilling the beans!" Adam exclaimed.

"Erin's in New York! Who the hell is she going to tell, she has no friends!"

 _"_ _Hey!"_ Erin yelled offended _"I have friends!"_

"You know what I mean." Kim whined "Anyone you tell over there isn't going to spill it to our families, like Atwater almost did."

Jay rolled his eyes as Kim and Adam walked into their bedroom, both still yelling at one another. Picking up his phone, he turned off the speaker mode before speaking to Erin.

"They're driving me crazy." Jay groaned.

 _"_ _I can only imagine."_ Erin laughed _"Well, I'll be down there in two weeks to help you keep the peace."_

"Yeah, I just have to keep them from killing each other until you get here." Jay grumbled.

 _"_ _You'll live."_ Erin said.

"Hopefully." He laughed back.

There was an awkward pause before Erin spoke again _"How is everyone?"_

"Good." Jay said as he walked into the kitchen to get a beer "I think Hank is missing you most."

 _'_ _I miss you the most.'_ She thinks, but instead replies _"I miss him too. I miss everyone."_

"It's too bad you had to go back." He says "But you'll be back soon."

 _"_ _Two more weeks."_ She sighs into the phone. _'It's not soon enough'_ he thinks, and the confusion that he feels frustrates him; his heart doesn't know how it's feeling anymore where Erin Lindsay is concerned.

"Two more weeks." He repeats "How's work going?"

 _"_ _Ugh, I swear to god if I have to fill out one more pre-raid plan I'm going to punch a wall."_ Jay chuckles at her whining _"It's not funny! I miss being in the field."_

"You'll get back there soon enough." Jay says reassuringly.

Erin sighs into the phone once more _"hey, so I was thinking…When I come visit for the shower-"_

"Jay!" Kim's voice interrupts "I swear to god if you don't get this idiot out of my sight I might kill him!"

Jay groans and Erin laughs simultaneously _"I guess you'd better go, I don't want to be attending Adam's funeral in two week's time."_

"I'll talk to you tomorrow." Jay says as they both hang up.

Erin smiles as she chucks her phone onto the couch next to her; She and Jay had been speaking every night for the past week. It had been awkward at first but it soon subsided as they continued their conversations and texted throughout the day. Erin looked forward to coming home every night and hearing from him. She found herself often questioning how she had managed to survive without her family for so long, but she was lucky to have Olivia there when she needed her the most.

…

 _"_ _Erin, you can't go. There's not job opportunities anywhere else, you're going to have to start all over again. This is ridiculous!" Olivia exclaimed._

 _"_ _Well what the hell am I supposed to do Liv? It's been a year and I still hate my job. I'd rather be a rookie cop in some small town, then stay here and work with those sexist assholes another minute."_

 _Olivia sighed as Erin continued to throw her clothes into her duffle bag "…What if you worked for me?"_

 _Erin stopped what she was doing and turned to face Olivia "What?"_

 _"_ _I said, what if you came to work for me?" Olivia repeated "I can't guarantee anything, but I may be able to pull some strings. At the very least I can probably get you out of your current unit and into something better."_

 _Erin shook her head "I can't let you do that Liv. You've already done so much for me. I can't keep asking you to bail me out."_

 _"_ _You haven't asked me though. The entire year you've been here, the only help you've taken from me is when I force you to. I have to push to get you to let me in, and I get why it's not easy for you to trust people. But I want to help you Erin. You're an amazing cop, please don't give up." Olivia pleaded._

 _Erin was quiet for a moment before speaking again "Okay."_

 _"_ _Great." Olivia smiled widely "Come on, we got some calls to make."_

…

The sound of Erin's phone broke her from her memories, indicating a new text message. She smiled as she saw Jay's name on the screen.

 _Crisis averted. The lovebirds are currently making up as we speak (well, text, but you know what I mean :P)_

 _I'm assuming you're asleep, I know your meds make you pretty tired. Talk tomorrow x_

She felt her heart warm at his message, it was so like Jay to remind her to take her medication even from another city. He still cared, and that gave her hope that maybe they could fix what had broken between them all those years ago.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay this is probably my least favourite ending, but I really wanted to try and get a chapter out ASAP because I start exams next week and don't know when I'll next update.**

 **Honestly, this chapter feels like a bit of a filler but I've had this upcoming part of story planned since the beginning and now that I'm here I guess I'm worried about not writing it well enough. I'm trying my hardest so please bear with me, next chapter is already written and picks up a bit in the pace!**

 **I hope you guys like the flashback, I can't remember but I don't think I ever really explained how Erin went from being in the Counter-Terrorism unit when she left Chicago to working for Narcotics so I wanted to try and put that in the flashbacks. Plus I love Olivia and Erin so I want to put them in as well! We'll be seeing more of Det. Benson soon though …**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think! You guys are the reason I write and I love reading what you guys think about the story and what you want to see more of.**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	17. All the love, you won't Forget

**A/N: GUUUYYYYSSSSS! Your reviews honestly make my day, I love all your support and love for this story thank you so much! This has honestly been one of my favourites to write so far.**

 **PS: If anyone is a Linseride/Linstead/Severanna shipper I have a new crossover story that's a Linseride friendship and Linstead+Severanna pairing; feel free to check it out :)**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin felt her excitement grow as she stepped off the train in Chicago. She had spent almost a full day on the train, but planes had been grounded due to the storm that had overcome New York. She had spent most of her night on FaceTime with Jay, Kim and Adam watching the boys set up while Kim was resting on the couch.

The three weeks since she had been back in Chicago had felt like a lifetime, but she was happy to be home again. Kim's baby shower was tomorrow and she and Jay had decided to surprise the expectant mother with her arrival. As far as Kim and Adam knew, Erin was on an undercover assignment and wasn't sure if she would make it for the shower.

Erin's attention was drawn to her phone when she heard it ring in her pocket. Her smiled grew when she saw his name "Hey Hank."

" _Hey, did you reach yet?"_ he asked her.

"Yeah, I'm getting out of the station now. Where are you?"

" _We had a case come up, I'm at the outfits club right now."_ Hank replied

"Oh." She said, not being able to hide her disappointment "That's okay. I can just call a cab and-"

" _Do you really think I would've left you stranded at the train station airport?"_ Hank chuckled _"You ride should be outside already."_

Erin frowned as she exited the train station and looked around for a familiar face "I don't see-"

She stopped short when she saw the familiar silver-grey 300 parked a few metres away, Jay leaning against the car with a cocky smile on his face.

"Never mind." She said with a roll of her eyes as she saw Jay laughing at her surprised face.

" _I'll see you tonight, Jay's going to bring you over for dinner."_ Hank said quickly hanging up.

Erin's confusion grew at Hank's sentence, but before she had any time to think about it, Jay was standing in front of her waving his hand in her face.

"You alright?" He asked her.

Erin looked up and smiled "Yeah, weird conversation with Hank is all."

"Hank's always weird." Jay chuckled, leaning in to hug Erin "I'm glad you're back."

Erin let herself cherish the moment, her arms wrapping around his neck as they held each other tight for a few moments before breaking away "Me too. I missed everyone so much."

"It's only been three weeks. How did you survive the last three years without us?" Jay chuckled as he took her suitcase and began leading her to the car.

"Not well." Erin said as they sat in the car.

" _Are you sure this is okay Liv?" Erin asked once more "I don't want you to feel obligated to help me."_

" _Erin, for the last time. You're family. It's not a problem." Olivia smiled as she and Erin walked into the SVU offices "Besides, I always hoped one day you'd come to work for me."_

" _If I had a choice when I first got here, I would've been working with you from the start." Erin said with a chuckle "No way would I have put up with those egotistical assholes from the FBI for so long."_

"Erin?" Jay asked again as he saw her eyes glaze over "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." Erin said softly "Just … Taking a trip down memory lane."

Jay looked at her for a few seconds, making sure she was okay before he pulled out of the car space and drove off.

LINEBREAK

"What are we doing here?" Erin asked as they pulled up in front of the apartment building parking entrance.

"So, we had to move the baby shower venue last night. The apartment above Kim and Adam's had a flood, and it's cause leakage from their roof." Jay explained.

"What does that have to do with us?" Erin said growing more confused.

"Well, to make a long story short? Hank offered up his house for the party, which means Kim, Adam and the rest of the unit are there setting things up again for tomorrow. Which means-"

"I can't go over until Kim goes back home to avoid ruining the surprise." Erin finished.

"Look who finally turned the light bulb on." Jay joked, Erin whacking his chest as they began walking to the elevator in the carpark.

"So, are you enjoying being back in the field?" Jay asked as he unlocked the door to his apartment.

"Is that even a question?" she asked sarcastically as they walked inside.

Jay left her suitcase at the door as he headed towards the kitchen, grabbing two beer bottles out of the fridge before walking back into the living room where Erin stood looking out the window.

"I forgot how beautiful Chicago winters looked." She said admiring the snow that had fallen on the ground the night before.

"You won't be saying that when you remember how hard it is to drive through all that crap tomorrow." Jay chuckled passing her the beer bottle.

Erin smiled sadly "I guess so."

Jay's eyes narrowed as he saw the look in her eyes "What's going on?"

Erin shook her head, taking a sip of her beer before answering "I didn't realise how much I missed home, until I had to leave it again."

"…Do you ever think about coming back?" Jay asks nervously."

She knows she shouldn't tell him the truth, that it'll break both their hearts, but there's no other choice "I do. But there's no opportunities for me here Jay. I burned all my bridges the day I stupidly chose to save my mother."

"Whatever happened to Bunny?" Jay asked instead, knowing she wasn't ready to talk about coming home.

"She overdosed, about six months after we moved. The unit didn't charge her, but she had conditions of bail. I thought she'd finally turned herself around, but she just got herself in even deeper than before."

"I'm sorry Erin." Jay placed his hand on the small of her back in an attempt to comfort her.

Erin shrugged slightly "It was for the best. I know that sounds terrible to say about my own mother, but now we both have peace. She can't hurt me anymore. She can't hurt herself."

Jay saw the tear sitting in her eyes and immediately enveloped her in his arms, holding her tightly as she sniffled against him. She let her head fall to his chest, allowing them both the familiar moment they had revelled in so many times before.

"I'm sorry." Erin said pulling away a few minutes later.

Jay's hand came to rest on her cheek, swiping his thumb under her eye to collect the tears that were still slowly falling "It's okay."

"Is it crazy that I still miss her? I mean, she was a shit mother but still -"

"She was still a part of your family Erin. You tried hard to help her, that's all you could do in the end."

Erin nodded slightly, her eyes locking with Jay's. They both stared at one another, Jay's eyes flicking between hers and her lips. Erin felt herself beginning to lean in slightly, and Jay let out a loud cough.

"Um, are you hungry?" Jay said taking a step back, his eyes wandering around the room.

Erin took in his nervous stance and smiled gently "I'm starving."

"Great! Uh- I think there's- actually why don't we go to that diner down the street?" He stuttered out.

"That sounds good. I always loved their burgers." She said.

Erin walked towards the door to get her shoes on, her hand coming up to Jay's shoulder squeezing it reassuringly before continuing to walk to the door.

And just as quick as the moment was there, it had gone.

LINEBREAK

"Tell me something good." Jay said suddenly as they sat in the diner, having just finished their dinner.

Erin looked at him confused "What do you mean?"

"Well, surely New York couldn't have _all_ been bad." He said leaning in "Tell me a good memory."

Erin looked down as she tried to mentally sort through all the memories in her head, before smiling at him "Teddy. Definitely the best part of all of this was seeing Teddy again."

"How is he doing?"

"Really good. He's been clean since he came to help us with the sex trafficking case, he's started working at a restaurant as a waiter while he studies to become a child psychologist." Erin said proudly.

"That's amazing." Jay smiled as well "And how's my favourite SVU detective?"

"Olivia's good, she said to say hi to you all. I think she's missed visiting you guys _almost_ as much as I have." Erin chuckled.

"Well maybe she can come visit next time you come." Jay offered.

"I think she'd like that." Erin said, before asking "How about you? Tell me something good from the last three years."

"… I think Adam and Kim's wedding is the highlight of the past three years." Jay smiled.

Erin felt a pang of sadness in her heart, knowing it was yet another event that she had missed out on in the past three years.

"Tell me about it, the wedding."

"They were a mess. I think everything that _could_ go wrong, did." Jay chuckled.

…

" _Jay, the bride wants to see you?" Hank said as he entered into the room where Jay, Antonio and Adam were getting ready._

 _Adam's face dropped as he turned to look at Jay "Oh my god, she's running out isn't she? You're her escape plan right, you're gonna help her leave and give me some sob story about how she just couldn't do it and she's so sorry and -"_

" _Adam!" Jay yelled interrupting him "calm the fuck down."_

" _It took her so long to say yes Jay, I want to marry her so bad. Please, don't come back here and give me bad news."_

" _It's gonna be fine bud." Jay smiled "I'll go see what she wants. Probably just wants me to make sure her uncle hasn't drunk too much."_

 _Jay gives Adam one last reassuring pat on the shoulder before he heads across the hall to the bridal dressing room, knocking on the door before being told he can come in._

" _Wow." Jay says as his eyes fall on Kim, her white lace dress fitting her form perfectly, falling down from her waist loosely and forming into the short train that sits on the floor._

" _Is it okay?" She asks him nervously._

" _Are you kidding? You look beautiful Kimberley."_

 _Kim rolls her eyes as Jay walks closer to her "You know you're the only one who gets to call me that."_

" _I know, that's why I do it so much. The guys get riled up every time they hear it." Jay smirked "What did you need, Mrs Ruzek?"_

 _He felt his heart drop into his stomach as Kim froze when he called her that. "Kim, you are marrying Adam today. Right?"_

" _I want to." She said softly "I just don't think I can."_

" _Why!?" he exclaimed "Kim, you guys have come so far! You're not that same ignorant couple you were when you first got engaged. You've both grown so much-"_

" _It's not that! Everything's going wrong Jay!" Kim cried as she picked up her phone, reading the list of messages she had received "The florist isn't coming for another_ _ **hour**_ _, the violinist is missing from the orchestra, my uncle is running around without his toupee falling off his head – who knows how many drinks he's already had, and my dad isn't coming! I have no one to walk me down the aisle!"_

" _Okay Kim, you need to relax. Breathe, right now." Jay said placing his hands on her shoulders "Breathe; in, out, in, out." He coached as her breathing steadied._

" _I don't know what I'm going to do Jay, tell me what to do. Please?" Kim said softly._

" _Kim, it's going to be fine. Look, we've still got half an hour until the wedding starts. Just … Leave it to me okay?"_

" _Jay, you can't possibly-"_

" _Kimberley Anne Burgess, I_ _ **will not**_ _let your wedding day be ruined. Do you understand me?" Jay said sternly "I will fix this, you just focus on making yourself absolutely beautiful for your future husband, okay?"_

 _Kim sniffled, nodding her head "Okay. Thank you." Kim smiled._

" _Anytime." he said "Alright, I'm gonna go fix this mess." Jay chuckled exiting the dressing room._

…

"And did you? Fix everything?" Erin asked him.

"Yeah, I did." Jay smiled "Antonio went out and got the flowers from this little florist shop a a few streets down, the violinist had a flat tire so Atwater went to get her, and I walked Kim down the aisle."

Erin looked up at him surprised " _You_ walked Kim down the aisle?"

Jay nodded his head "She didn't have anyone else, so I offered. She thought it was fitting, since I pushed her into giving Adam another chance."

"Oh really? Not at all full of yourself there, Halstead."

"I mean, I am the reason their baby even _exists_ right now." He sassed back.

Erin couldn't help but laugh; this was so easy, their back-and-forth conversation. It felt like they had fallen back into their old selves so naturally. It was as if no time had passed.

"I missed this." She said suddenly.

Jay smiled softly, his hand coming to rest on top of hers "Me too."

 **A/N: Okay, this wasn't the best ending but I had originally planned to include the baby shower however this chapter ended up being 7000 words and it was just too long lol  
So I'll be posting the next part in a few days!**

 **As always, PLEASE leave a review and let me know what you think! The more reviews, the sooner I'll update … :P**

 **Hope you're all having a good week!**

 **Maddie :)**


	18. Your Heart Is All I Own

"How you been kid?" Hank asks as he and Erin have dinner later that night.

"Good. I'm almost completely off desk-duty which is _great_. Olivia's been making sure I keep on top of my physical therapy which has been really helpful, the doctor reckons I should be back to my normal exercise and work routine within the month." Erin said happily.

"That's great Erin." Hank smiled "How is Olivia? She still got her kid?"

"Noah? Yeah. He's such a sweetheart, I babysit him every week when Olivia has PTA meetings at his school."

"And you and Halstead? How are you two?"

Erin nodded, swallowing the bite of food she had almost choked on at Hank's unexpected question.

"We're doing as best as we can." She answered.

Hank frowned "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means … There's a lot of heartbreak to mend, on both of our ends. And I don't think we can truly be friends until we learn to move past it all and try to forgive one another."

"Is that really all you want; to be friends?"

Erin sighed, setting her cutlery down and looking Hank straight in the eye.

"It's all I _can_ want, Hank. We both broke each other, so badly, but I caused more damage by leaving the way I did. No matter what _I_ want for us, Jay just wants to be friends. And I have to respect that."

He saw the pained look in her eyes and stood up, walking to the other side of the table and wrapping his arms around her.

"I think you should talk to Jay, he just might surprise you."

Erin shook her head against him "It's not a risk I'm willing to take. I can't lose him again, Hank."

"…I won't push you on this. But I really do think you need to tell him the truth. After everything you two have been through, you _both_ deserve that."

LINEBREAK

Erin smiled as she heard Kim's annoyed groans of complaint coming from the living room.

"Seriously Adam!? I helped set up the party. I do _not_ need a fucking blindfold."

"Darlin' what did we say about swearing now that the baby's ears are developed." Adam said sternly, but Erin could hear him trying to stifle the giggle in his throat, much like the rest of the guests that were gathered in the living room.

"You motherfu-"

"Okay! I think that's good enough Ruzek." Jay said moving Kim so she was now seated in the lounge chair of Hank's living rooms.

"The reason we put the blindfold on you, is because your husband and I organised a special surprise for you."

"It'd better be really fucking good, or you're dead Ruzek." Kim grumbled.

Jay signalled to Erin and she quietly walked over to stand in front of Kim with the 'gender reveal' cake for the baby shower in her hands, eye level with Kim.

"Alright Darlin', open up."

Before Adam could help her, Burgess was ripping off her blindfold. "Why the hell am I being surprised with a cake _I_ picked out!?"

"Gee Kim, way to make a girl feel special." Erin laughed and Kim instantly looked up, her eyes widening as she stood up and hugged Erin.

"Kim-" Erin started.

"I can't believe you're here!" She cried.

"Kim-" Jay tried.

"I don't understand, you said you had an assignment! You two are so sneaky I can't believe this! I don't understand; How did you get here? _When_ did you get here? How in the hell did-"

"Kim!" Adam exclaimed cutting off her rant "As glad as I am that you're happy about your surprise … If you look down I think you might have one more surprise to share with the rest of the guests here."

Kim looked at her husband confused as he held in his laughter once more, looking down at the pink-centred cake that was now smashed between her and Erin.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed as she burst into tears.

Adam and Jay both came closer to her as Erin rubbed her back soothingly.

"What's wrong hun?" Ruzek asked softly.

"All I was looking forward to was eating the cake!"

LINEBREAK

Kim and Erin were both walking the block later that evening; having been cleaned up after the earlier cake incident. Kim had recently had a bad case of sciatica, so her doctor had told her she needed to walk regularly to ease the toll on her body. Erin had volunteered to take Kim on her routine evening walk so the two could catch up.

"I'm so sorry I ruined your clothes. I swear, pregnancy brain is _real_." Kim said.

"Kim, it's fine." Erin chuckled "It's a good thing cake washes out."

"I can't believe I told all our friends and family we were having a daughter by crushing my cake against you." Kim laughed along with her friend.

"Well, at least we managed to keep the surprise intact." Erin said.

"How did you even manage this?" Kim exclaimed "You guys did so well at keeping it from me!"

"It was _not_ easy; it took so long for Jay and I to coordinate."

"You and Jay, huh?" Kim smirked.

"Get your mind out of the gutter Burgess." Erin rolled her eyes.

"I'm just saying, you never know. Maybe you and Jay will be here one day." Kim said placing her hand on her bump.

Erin rolled her eyes at Kim's statement "I wouldn't get your hopes up Kim. Jay's made it pretty clear where he stands on our relationship."

"I think you underestimate just how much Jay loves you." Kim replies as they turn the corner back onto Hank's street "Don't you want to be with him?"

"Kim, too much has happened. I just … I don't think we can ever get back to where we used to be."

"Who said anything about going _back_? Move forward, start a new life together. It's what Adam and I did."

Before Erin could reply, they were cut off by Adam's loud voice.

"Hey! Y'all coming back in or what? Everyone's waiting for you to open presents!"

"Everyone?" Kim rolled her eyes "That big doofus just wants to open them himself." She grumbled.

LINEBREAK

"So, how's things going with my brother?" Will asked as he joined Erin on the back porch."

Kim and Adam's parents were currently setting up the table of presents in the living room while Jay helped Hank and Antonio clean up.

"You two rekindle on the couch yet." Will chuckled raising his eyebrow suggestively at Erin.

"What the hell is with everyone asking about my relationship with Jay?" Erin griped "You, Hank, Kim. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you guys were trying to conspire against me."

"You know why I'm asking Erin. If you two are back together, he needs to know."

"I got it Will." Erin cut him off "And there's no need to worry, because Jay and I are not getting back together."

"Erin, have you told _anyone_?" Will asked seriously.

"It doesn't affect anyone but me, Will." Erin said sharply.

"You know that's not true." Will pressed "If you and Jay get back together-"

"We're not. He's made it very clear he just wants to be friends."

"You're both lying to yourselves. You both say you're just friends but neither of you are actually making an attempt to move on with anyone else." Will scoffed.

"Look Will, I'm not ready. And I'm not really in a position to start a relationship anyways; I work way too much, and I'm already splitting time between home and New York."

"All I'm hearing is a whole bunch of bullshit excuses." Will replied "Look, regardless of what's going on between you and Jay, I think you should talk to someone about this. You shouldn't have to go through this on your own Erin."

"…I'll think about it, okay?" Erin sighed.

"That's all I ask." Will smiles, wrapping his arm around her "You know I love you, right?"

"Don't tell your brother that." Erin joked.

Will rolled his eyes "Way to kill the moment."

"Hey lovebirds!" Natalie said behind them "If you're done with your private moment, the expectant mother is growing impatient waiting to open presents."

…

Jay watched suspiciously as Erin and Will walked into the living room, his brother's arm wrapped tightly around his girl.

' _Your girl? Pretty sure that label's expired'_ Jay thought to himself.

He continued to look at Erin and Will as they quietly talked while Kim opened her gifts. He wasn't sure why he was feeling this pang of jealousy. His brother was _engaged_ , and Erin wasn't seeing anyone. Was she?

"Oh my god, Jay!" Kim exclaimed, diverting everyone's attention to her.

Jay smiled seeing Kim hold up the delicately knitted off-white baby blanket, with a little blue 'H' stitched into the top right corner.

"It's beautiful." Kim said softly.

"My mum made Will and I one each. They're for our kids, but I don't think she would mind me sharing it with you for a little while."

Kim felt tears well in her eyes as she stood up to hug Jay.

"Thank you." She said into the crook of his neck as he hugged her tightly.

"Anytime." Jay whispered back.

…

Jay wandered the halls of Hank's house as he looked for Erin. The guests had all left later in the afternoon, the Intelligence Unit enjoying a family dinner together to celebrate the latest addition to their family. Erin had been drinking quite heavily, and Jay couldn't help but notice that after her talk with Will, Erin had seemed quite down. He wasn't sure what was going on with her, but he needed to make sure she was okay.

"Hey." Jay said as he spotted Erin sitting in her childhood bedroom.

"Hey." Erin smiled "I feel like I haven't seen you all day."

"Yeah, well, running a baby shower is harder than it looks." Jay groans.

"I bet." Erin laughs as Jay sits down next to her.

He looked around the room, which he had helped Hank turn into a room for Daniel when Olive and him came to visit.

"It feels like it's been so long since I've been in here."

"You've been in here before?" Erin asked, her words slurring slightly.

"Yeah, when I came to Hank's looking for you." Jay said softly.

"Oh." She said quietly "I'm sorry, Jay."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." She slurred further, turning to look at him "I messed everything up! And now, you'll never want to be with me again! You're not going to marry me, or have babies with me."

"Erin-" Jay whispered, shocked by her words.

"You're my best friend Jay. I don't want to lose you." She cried.

"You're not going to lose me." Jay wrapped his arms around her as tears began to fall down her arms "I think you're a bit drunk Er."

"I think you're right." She sniffled against him.

Jay helped Erin stand up, leading her into the guest room down the hall and helping her get into bed. She fell asleep almost immediately and Jay couldn't help but laugh at her light snore; She only ever did it when she was drunk. He grabbed the bin from the en suite bathroom and placed it next to her bed in case she was sick during the night.

His hand brushed her hair out of her face, leaning down to kiss her forehead "Goodnight Erin."

"Night Jay." She mumbled sleepily.

 **A/N: Okay, so I feel like this chapter was a bit of a filler but I really wanted to show Erin readjusting to the aspects of her life that are in Chicago, and showing her relationships with the people she left behind in Chicago.**

 **I know a lot of people have been asking questions about Erin's future in New York, and Erin and Jay's relationship. I don't want to give anything away, but I will say this much; You'll find out all the answer in around 4 chapters … !**

 **I have a lot of things planned and I'm so excited to show you all! I have a few of the chapters already written and ready to go so it won't be a really long wait between chapters.**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think about all the little moments in this chapter. The more reviews, the quicker I'll update!**

 **Maddie**


	19. Feels like we're on the edge right now

**A/N: Hey guys, thanks for all the lovely reviews! There's a bit of a long Note at the end, please read it :)**

 **Enjoy!**

It had been six weeks since Erin Lindsay had visited Chicago. She was miserable, and everyone around her could tell. She was still on light duty due to a setback with her rehab, and she was growing more and more agitated every time her team went out for a bust and she had to stay in the van with their comms guy.

She smiled when her phone lit up with a message from Kim. She swiped right to view the message, a photo popping up with the message from her friend;

 _"_ _One week left! Baby girl Ruzek is growing right on track._

 _We miss you x"_

Erin looked at the sonogram photo that Kim had sent; their daughter had grown so much since the first sonogram photo that Erin had seen when she first came back to Chicago. The baby's features were perfectly clear now, from nose to toes. Erin was excited for the baby to arrive, a pang hitting her heart when she realised she may not be there for the birth.

She quickly stood up and walked into her boss' office, ignoring the questioning look from Jones. She knocked on the open door, Jane looking up at her in question.

"Do you have a minute?" Jane nodded and Erin sat down across from her "I was wondering if I'm too late to get some leave for next week."

"How long?" Jane said as she continued signing off on the forms in front of her.

"I'm not sure. Kim's having her baby, so it could be any day between now and next week really.

Jane sighed, placing her pen down on the desk and looking up at Erin "You've been taking a lot of time off work in the past few months Erin."

Erin shrugged "It's not like I do this every week Jane. I've worked my ass off for you for the entire time I've been in this unit. Kim's my family, I want to be there for her."

"It's not just that, Erin … We need to talk about something. Close the door."

* * *

Jay stood nervously as he heard the footsteps behind the apartment door, his anxiety growing the longer he waited. The door opened and Jay smiled as he took in Erin's surprised face.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I've always wanted to see New York." Jay smiled "And I got forced furlough."

Erin laughed "Of course you did. Well, CPD's loss is my gain I guess, come in!"

Jay followed Erin into the living room, leaving his luggage by the door and heading into the kitchen with her. He eyed her microwaved meal on the dinner table and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Seriously? You know that crap has absolutely no nutrients whatsoever."

"They taste good." Erin shrugs, handing him a beer from the refrigerator.

"You're hopeless." Jay rolls his eyes "Let me cook."

"Don't be silly Jay, it's your first night in New York! Let me take you out somewhere nice."

"Erin, I came to New York to see you, I don't care much about the sightseeing."

Erin felt her cheeks flush and she looked down at the floor for a minute "Compromise; let's order takeout."

"Takeout? You may as well eat the shit you just microwaved." Jay groaned.

"Come on, you know you want Chinese food. I'll get a vegetable stir-fry with what we order, that way you get your nutrients. Deal?" Erin stuck her hand out.

Jay shook her hand smiling "Deal."

…

"I can't believe you haven't been watching the hockey!" Jay exclaims as he and Erin sit on the couch later that night.

"Careful, you're gonna drop Chinese food all over my couch!" Erin laughs watching Jay jump around at each pass on the screen.

"I'm not going to lie Erin Lindsay, I'm ashamed of you right now. I can't believe you haven't been keeping track of the hockey season."

"I've been busy! UC gigs don't really free up a lot of time for me to watch the Blackhawks every week."

She saw Jay's smile slip for a moment, before he shook his head and looked back up at her "I guess you've got a point."

Erin set her food down on the table and narrowed her eyes at him "What was that look?"

"What look?" Jay mumbled taking a sip from his beer, placing his food down next to hers.

"Come on Halstead, I saw that look. What were you thinking when I mentioned my UC gigs?"

" … It just shocks me sometimes. That you're still out there without me looking out for you."

"That was a long time ago Jay." Erin says softly.

"I know." He says sadly "I just miss it sometimes; you know?"

Erin leans over, her hand resting on top of his "Me too."

His eyes meet hers, and he can feel himself leaning in. The same magnetic pull between them that had always been there. The sound of the buzzer on the TV signalling the end of their game, and breaking the two from their moment.

* * *

Erin spent the next three days taking Jay around New York City, both of them trying to avoid the moment that had happened between them. They spent the first day visiting the Statue of Liberty and walking over Brooklyn Bridge.

Their second day was at the Empire State Building; A proposal making for an awkward lunch hour for the two. They had dinner with Olivia and Noah, Jay enjoying the stories that Benson recalled over the three years that she and Erin had spent together while they were apart.

Their final day was better; Erin and Jay had breakfast at her favourite diner before heading to her work to meet her team and her boss. Jay enjoyed seeing the dynamic between her co-workers, though he couldn't deny the jealousy he felt when he saw Erin and Jones hanging out together. He liked Jones, he was an awesome guy; but he felt a slight anger rise in his chest when he saw them hug and banter together, like he and Erin used to.

They spent their evening in Central Park, drinking beer and eating pizza from a restaurant they spotted around the corner. They both enjoyed the time, reliving memories and telling each other more stories from the past three years that they had missed out on.

It was always midnight when they arrived home. They were both a little tipsy as they walked into the apartment, trying to hold each other up as Jay led Erin into her bedroom.

"I've missed this." Erin giggled as they walked in "I'm so glad you came to visit!"

"I am too. I missed you." Jay smiled as he made Erin sit down on the bed.

He turned to her cupboard, opening the top right drawer and spying her pyjamas. He chuckled to himself as he picked up a pair. _'Old habits never die.'_ He stopped short when he saw a flash of silver in the corner of her drawer, picking up the metal in his hand.

"You alright?" He heard her ask and he turned to face her.

"You still have these?" Jay asked quietly.

Erin's smile slipped as she saw Jay lift the necklace up in his hand, the silver dog tags glistening against the moonlight streaming in through her window.

"Yes." She says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and she sees the confusion grow on his face "Jay, just because we broke up doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you. Of course I kept the tags; every time I have a bad moment, I remembered the day you gave them to me."

"I remember that." Jay smiled looking back down at the dog tags, recalling the case when he gave them to her, a few days after Erin had been abducted and almost raped by Tawny and her partners.

She smiles too "We spent the whole day at home together because Hank thought I couldn't take care of myself.

"It was a good day." Jay says sitting down next to her.

"It's one of my favourite." She says leaning her head on his shoulder.

They're quiet for a few minutes, before Jay looks down at Erin "I'm glad you kept them."

"Of course I would."

She smiles and he sees the look in her eyes, and before either of them know what's happening, his lips are on hers. It's familiar, and comforting, and everything they've been avoiding letting themselves feel these past few months.

"What was that?" She asks when they pull apart.

Jay smirks, remembering the last time they had this conversation "I wanted to kiss you."

Her smile grows wider, and her hands grab at his neck, pulling him back down to her and kissing him deeply. He leans into her, pushing her down on the bed and allowing himself to get lost in the feel of Erin Lindsay once more.

 **A/N: Okay, that ending felt a bit lame but I don't like writing sex scenes so here you go! Oddly enough this wasn't the ending I had planned but I hopefully you like the suprise...?**

 **I've been slacking a bit with updating this story, but I currently have five different stories which I'm trying to update on and I don't have much time between work and family responsibilities. However, I am determined to finish this story by March of 2018 (Which is only three months away what the fuck where did 2017 go!?) we're probably going to get to 30-35 chapters before we end :)**

 **Special thanks to Laura and Ness for motivating me to get this chapter out x**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you think, they always motivate me to update faster!**

 **Next chapter is the big moment I've been waiting to share with you all, I'm so excited for you guys to read it!**

 **Hope you all have a lovely New Years, see you in 2018!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	20. Could you leave me with a scar?

**A/N: WE'VE FINALLY REACHED! This is the chapter I've been leading up to since the beginning and I'm so excited for you all to see what I have planned! It's nothing super dramatic but it's been in my head since the start so I'm excited we've finally reached this point :)**

 **The jumps in between may be a bit odd but I'm basically covering the 36 hours after Erin and Jay sleep together. The ending is written twice, both from Erin and Jay's perspective so hopefully it works out and makes sense!  
There will be some confusing bits and pieces of the storyline this chapter but not to worry, all the blanks will be filled in next chapter …**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin wakes slowly the next morning, the light of the sun hitting her face and she grunted burrowing herself further into her blankets. The warm sunlight flashed against her closed eyes as the images of last night's events flashed in her mind. She smiled slowly, feeling a sense of bliss wash over her as she slowly tune around to face the man lying next to her.

Her eyes stayed closed; her hands reaching out to pull herself closer to him, but she was only met with cold sheets. She opened her eyes and saw the messed up sheets beneath her hand, but no sight of Jay. She sat up quickly, holding the bedsheet tightly to her chest. She looked around the room, her eyes spotting the folded up piece of paper with her name on it, weighed under his dog tags. She felt her heart ache as she picked up the note, trying to hold her tears at bay.

 _Erin,_

 _I'm sorry I'm not there, I had to make my flight and I didn't want to wake you.  
Thank you for this weekend. Last night was wonderful.  
I put the coffee machine on for you, I know how you get :)  
I'll call you when I land._

 _Jay x_

She sighs and sets the note down next to her, the tears falling from her eyes. She tried to reassure herself; Jay had to catch his flight. He didn't want to wake her. But as much as she tried to convince herself, a little part of her couldn't help but feel used. She knew Jay cared about her, and that last night wasn't meaningless; at least, she _thinks_ she knows that.

Her cell phone ringing on the bedside table distracts her, and she sees her boss' name light up the screen.

"Hey, what's up?" Erin says wiping her eyes.

" _Are you crying?"_ Her boss says almost instantaneously _"what's wrong?"_

"Nothing, I just have a cold." Erin mumbles "What did you need Jane?"

" _I just wanted to check you were ready … Don't tell me you forgot about today?"_ Jane chuckled.

"No, sorry. My brain is just a bit fuzzy, I think I'm still waking up." Erin says with a laugh "I'll be in at 9:00."

" _Alright, I'll see you soon…You sure you're okay?"_

"I'm fine Jane. I'll see you soon."

She hangs up the phone, taking a few moments to compose herself; She didn't have time to dwell on her feelings today. She wouldn't worry about the situation with Jay right now, she wasn't going to worry over it. She took a few deep breaths before getting out of bed and walking into her closet. She stands in front of it for a few minutes, deciding what to wear on such a big day. She reached for her jeans and spotted the familiar red material crumpled in the back of her wardrobe.

Erin smiled, pulling the red jacket out of her closet. She hadn't worn it since she left Chicago, trying to preserve the memories of her previous life in the leather. She held it tight to her chest for a few moments, remembering the day Camille gave it to her.

" _Happy graduation." Camille smiled handing Erin a bright blue box with festive gift paper wrapped around._

" _What? You guys paid for my flight to Greece Camille, this is too much." Erin said as she took the box from the woman._

" _That was from Hank and I. This one is_ _ **my**_ _gift."_

 _Erin looked at her suspiciously, unwrapping the box and opening it to see a red leather jacket sitting inside "It's awesome. This is so badass."_

 _Camille chuckled at Erin's words "I figured, you'd need a strong outfit for when you're working with the big dogs."_

" _I've only just graduated college Camille, I've still got a few more years before I'm anywhere near working for a specialised unit." Erin said with a roll of her eyes._

" _It'll happen, and knowing you, you'll be working in one of the best units in Chicago. Because you, Erin Lindsay, are the strongest girl I know. I feel blessed every day that you found your way to our family." Camille says, tears filling her eyes._

 _Erin sets the jacket down and wraps her arms tightly around Camille, resting her head on the older woman's shoulder "Thank you. For everything. I will never be able to repay you for all you did for me."_

 _"You don't need to sweetheart. All I want, is for you to grow into the strong, beautiful young woman that I already see. Believe in yourself as much as I believe in you, don't your worth, please Erin."_

 _Erin nods against Camille's shoulder "I'll try my hardest. I promise."_

Erin shook her head, ridding herself of the memory that invaded her. She quickly put on her black tee and slipped the red leather jacket on top. She looked in the mirror of her closet and smiled. _'Camille would be proud'._

She quickly rushed around, filling her travel mug with coffee and grabbing her badge and gun from the safe in her nightstand. She picked up her phone, eyeing the metal dog tags that still sat on top of her bedside table.

Without a second though, she picked them up and placed them around her neck for the first time in three years. Regardless of what was happening between them right now, she needed some part of him with her today.

* * *

Jay steps off the plane in Chicago later that day, instantly pulling on his winter coat over his leather jacket. The plane had been relatively warm, but he felt the biting Chicago cold as soon as the door opened to the plane.

Jay thanked the air hostess as he walked through the gates. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he saw the multiple texts from Hank asking him to come into the office as soon as he could. He saw a missed call from Erin and quickly tapped the notification to call her back. She picked up within a few rings.

"Hey Er-"

" _So, I'm doing the crossword. But I'm stuck, think you can help me?"_ She says.

Jay frowns, but answers anyways "Um, sure."

" _8 across. 3 letter word. Brown-haired, blue eyed Chicago Detective. Cheeky, stubborn, strong-tempered. Sleeps with his ex-girlfriend/ partner and then leaves her alone in bed the next morning. Any ideas?"_

"Shit. I'm so sorry Erin, I didn't want to wake you. I swear that's all it was about; I wasn't doing a runner or anything."

" _Relax Jay, I'm just fucking with you. It's fine."_ Erin laughs through the phone.

"Erin, last night was-" Jay trails off "I don't know what it was."

"… _Did it mean something to you?"_ Erin asks softly _"or was it just some kind of one-time thing."_

His reply is instantaneous "It meant something. I just … don't know what it means. We can't really do anything about this, can we? We're living in different cities, you're doing UC ops all the time and IU keeps me busy; our whole lives are separated Erin." Jay sighed "I think it's better we just chalk it up to one slightly tipsy, but wonderful night."

The line is quiet for a few minutes, and he's worried he's said something to hurt her "Erin?"

" _You're right."_ Erin says sadly _"Uh look, I gotta go. Sarge is calling for us, I think we got a new case."_

"Are you sure you're okay Erin?" He asks, and Erin can hear the concern in his voice.

" _Yeah, of course. Today's just been super busy, I really should go. I'll see you soon though, once Kim pops that baby out."_ Erin says forcing a laugh.

"Okay. I'll talk to you later?"

 _Yeah. Bye Jay."_

"Bye-" Jay sighs when he hears the dial tone.

' _She's not okay.'_

…

"Are you sure about this Erin?" Jane says as Erin hangs up the phone.

"It's a little late for that now isn't it?" Erin mutters sarcastically.

Jane reaches across her desk to place her hand on Erin's arm "It's never too late, I can undo it just as quickly as I put it all together."

"Thanks but, I think I need this. It'll help me sort out everything." Erin says handing her badge to her Sergeant "Keep it safe for me?"

"Of course. Good luck Erin, call me if you need _anything_. Okay?"

"Absolutely. Thank you, for everything Jane."

Jane smiles and she and Erin both walk out of her office and Erin stands beside Jane as she addresses her team "Alright, we've got a new UC gig, Homicide unit's kicking it to us. Let's get ready."

* * *

Jay groaned as he heard Erin's voicemail for the fifth time that day. Where the hell was she? They hadn't spoken for a few hours, but Jay just assumed she was at work. He had left the airport three hours ago, but due to a traffic incident he was stuck in traffic for two hours. Hank told him to come to the office around midday, giving him the time to unpack and refresh himself before he came into work.

He walked up the stairs to the Intelligence Unit office, frowning when he saw a woman in Hank's office. "Hey guys, miss me?" Jay called out.

Kim yelled his name excitedly, standing up to hug him "How was Erin?"

"I'm fine Kimberley, thanks for asking." Jay chuckled.

"I know you're fine, I can see that glow on your face." Kim smirked "Anything interesting happen while you were gone?"

Jay feels his face flush as Kim chuckles quietly "Relax, I'll grill you about it later." She says softly so their team doesn't hear.

"Hey man, how was New York?" Adam asks as he gives Jay a quick 'man-hug'.

"Good. Furlough agrees with me." Jay says as he greets his other team members.

Hank comes out of his office at that moment "Good to have you back Jay."

"Good to be back Sarge. Erin says hi." Jay replies shaking his boss' hand "Who's that."

"Someone I think you'll like seeing." Hank says knocking on the door frame.

Jay's eyes widened as he saw the tall redhead walk out of the office "Amelia?"

* * *

"I can't believe you're here Amy, this is awesome." Jay smiled as he and Amelia walked into his apartment later that night.

"Well Vice needed help with the case, and I figured I'd take the opportunity to see my old partner." Amelia smiled sitting down in the living room "I can't believe it's been so long since we've seen each other Jay, what's it been … five years?"

"At least." Jay chuckles throwing his things onto the coffee table as he gets Amelia a beer from the fridge "I've missed everyone, how are things going back there?"

"Pretty much everyone has left. They've all either gotten married, knocked up or moved to other units. I'm the only one left."

"Damn, How is everyone?" Jay yells out as he walks into his room to lock his gun away safely.

"They're good. It's crazy how much things have changed." Amelia says, eyeing Jay's phone which was buzzing on top of his jacket. She quickly picked it up and answered the call for him, frowning when there was just silence on the other end. She simply shrugged and threw the phone back down on top of Jay's jacket.

"I really should call everyone and check in, I kind of lost track of everyone over the years." Jay says as he walks into the living room once more, leaning against the large glass window that showed the Chicago skyline.

"You should, Anders had the cutest baby boy a few months ago! You have to see the pictures Jay." Amelia says walking over the Jay, grabbing her phone out of her pocket and opening her photos folder to show Jay the pictures she had of the little baby.

"Anders is a dad!?" Jay exclaimed looking through the photos Amelia showed him "That's crazy. I can't believe the guys who prided himself on being a self-crowned womanizer has a _baby_."

"Everyone's grown up since you last saw us Jay."

"And what about you, any special man in your life?" Jay says jokingly.

Amelia rolls her eyes at his question "I haven't got time for romance Jay, you know that better than anyone."

"Oh yeah." Jay chuckles shaking his head "Relationships were never your thing."

"Hey now, don't be mean." Amelia pouts.

"How was that mean? Just because you went through boyfriends faster than underwear." Jay teased.

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with having some innocent fun Jay Halstead. If I remember correctly, you used to be the same way."

"That was a long time ago."

"I know. We used to have a lot of fun." Amelia says, her voice lower now as she looks up at him.

Jay swallows hard, his voice weak "Amelia, what are you doing?"

"Oh come on Jay. Do you really think I came here just to help you with a case? I've missed you." She says leaning in closer to him.

"Amy, we can't d-" his words are cut off by Amelia's lips on his.

He freezes momentarily, her lips moving against his unwilling ones. He can feel her frowning and he gently pushes her away.

"I can't do this." Jay says softly.

"What? Is there someone else?" Amelia scoffs, as if the notion is somehow ridiculous given the Jay Halstead she knows.

"… Yes." He says, surprising even to himself "Yeah there is. And she may be 800 miles away, but I still can't do this to her."

"Jay, come on…" Amelia presses, leaning back in to kiss him again, but Jay stops her.

"I'm going to head to bed. The guest room is on the right, I'll see you in the morning." He says walking away from her.

…

 _(That same evening ...)_

Erin got out of the car late that night, having driven all day. The nerves were building within her body, worry about what everyone would think when they found out.

She pulled out her phone, clicking the number 1 speed dial on her phone. She waited anxiously as it rang a few times, her smile fading when she heard the woman's voice on the other end of the line.

" _Jay Halstead's phone."_ Silence _"Hello? Is someone there?"_ Silence _"I can't hear anyone, but if you can hear me then call back later please."_

The line went dead and Erin dropped the phone down from her ear, tears filling her eyes as she looked up at the window to the apartment she and Jay once shared together. She felt her heart ache as she saw him and another woman stand in front of the same window they had stood together in front of years ago, talking about their future together.

And when she saw the man she loved kiss that same woman, she felt her heart shatter completely.

' _Maybe this was a mistake.'_ She thought as she quickly jumped back into her car and drove off.

…

" _It's not just that, Erin … We need to talk about something else. Close the door."_

 _Erin looked at her boss confused, but followed her orders, sitting down across from Jane._

" _What's going on?" Erin asks._

" _Gang unit needs our help with an undercover stint they want to do in Bolivia. Six months at least, we need to roll out next Monday."_

" _Monday? That's only a week's notice Jane!" Erin exclaimed "I can't do that. I promised Kim I would be there for when she has the baby."_

" _I know. I think I've known for a while that your focus, and your heart, was split between New York and Chicago. There is one more option."_

" _What is it? I'll do anything, please. I can't be gone for six months." Erin pleads._

" _Well, how do you feel about going back to Chicago?" Jane asks.._

" _Jane … I can't go back." Erin says sadly "CPD doesn't want me."_

" _That was three years ago Erin. Besides, I've already talked to Hank. We've got it all sorted." Jane smirked._

" _I- I can't believe this. Are you seriously telling me I can go home?" Erin says, still in shock from the news._

" _If you want to. Take a few days to think it through, I've got all the paperwork already filled out, I just need your decision."_

" _Okay. Thanks Jane." Erin smiles._

" _Anytime."_

…

" _Erin? It's 2am, are you okay?" Jane says as she picks up the phone._

" _Uh, yeah. Sorry, but I made my decision." Erin said looking at Jay as he lay in bed beside her, his bare body spooned around hers as he slept "I want to go to Chicago. It's time I went home."_

* * *

Hank walked slowly down his stairs, shotgun held firmly in his hand. He could hear the movement outside the door on his porch and stood still, one arm letting go of the gun to reach for the doorknob slowly.

"Hank, it's me!" He heard from the other side of the door, and relaxed opening the door,.

"Do you have any idea what time it is? I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow- Everything okay?" Hank said taking in the sight of his pseudo-daughter's red, teary eyes.

Erin smiled sadly as she looked up at him "Can I come in?"

Hank immediately rested the shotgun against the wall before opening the door wider as Erin walked in, immediately falling into Hank's open arms "What happened kid? I thought you were crashing with Halstead tonight?"

He holds her tight as she mumbles into his chest "Nothing. I just wanted to come home."

 **A/N: Okay, I'm not 100% satisfied with that end scene but I hope you guys like it! I wanted a little bit of drama but not too much. So I finally answered SOME of the questions from your reviews; Tuckson spoke to Erin about moving back to Chicago, and now you all know whether or not Erin would be moving back to Chicago at some point! You'll find out about Erin and Will's conversation in a few chapters time too, and just what Amelia is doing in the 21** **st** **District!**

 **Please review and let me know what you guys think! I've officially gotten all my chapters planned out and am starting to write them all out - So the more reviews, the quicker I'll update (hint hint ;P)**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	21. If You Don't Want to Love Me Anymore

**A/N: You guys are the best! I'm so glad you enjoyed the ending, it wasn't what I had originally planned but I'm also really happy about where it ended up.**

 **I'm not too confident in this chapter but I feel it's necessary, hopefully you all like it… I've added more of the characters thoughts in with the actual dialogue so just remember italics and apostrophe are thoughts and not what they're saying :)**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin trudged tiredly down the stairs of Hank Voight's house the next morning, and immediately took in the concerned look on her pseudo-father's face. She could only imagine how bad she looked at the moment; she spent most of the night crying her eyes out and watching TV in her room. She was sure she looked like an absolute mess.

Hank looked at her mussed hair and bloodshot eyes, frowning as she silently flopped down on the stool at his breakfast bar. He passed her a cup of coffee and she smiled gratefully before taking a large sip.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Erin shook her head "Not really."

"Are you going to be okay today?" Hank asks.

"Hank. I'm a professional, I can handle myself." Erin rolled her eyes.

"… Promise me if you need some time you'll tell me."

"I promise." Erin smiles.

"Did something happen last night with Halstead?" Hank asks "Did he do something to you? I swear to god-"

"Hank, he didn't do anything, he doesn't even know I'm back. I just realised last night that I can't do all of that again. Jay and I work better as partners; and we need to keep it that way. I don't want to fall back into old habits."

"I thought you loved him?" Hank asks.

"I do … But he doesn't love me. And I hurt him enough the first time around, he deserves to move on."

Hank frowns at her words "Move on? Are you sure something didn't happen with Halstead?"

"Of course not; I just mean in general. He should be happy with somebody else." Erin says, not wanting to relive the memory of last night any more than she already had been.

"Okay…" Hank says sceptically "Well, we're leaving in 15."

"I'll be ready." Erin says smiling softly as Hank gives her a quick side hug before exiting the kitchen.

Erin lets out a heavy breath, staring down into her coffee as she feels tears fill blur her vision once more. She wiped furiously at her eyes and her head fell into her hands as she tried to calm herself. She wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to cry over Jay Halstead. He wanted to be friends, and he had moved on. She would be his partner and nothing more.

This was going to work. She could do this. At least, she hoped she could.

* * *

At the same time, Jay Halstead sat at his desk in Intelligence filling out paperwork he was – as usual – behind on. Amelia sat at Hailey's desk waiting for everyone to get in to the office.

"So, are we going to talk about what you said last night?" Amelia asks suddenly.

Jay sighed "It doesn't matter Amy. There's nothing I can do about the situation."

"There's always something that can be done." Amelia says "Look, I get it, you're in love with some random chick. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to move on with your life."

"My life is fine the way it is. And she isn't just _random chick_."

"Really Jay? You're pining after some mystery girl whose in another city; that's not a life!"

"Amy, enough! If you saw how I was 3 months ago … I wasn't in a good place. But I'm better now, and I'm telling you, my life is good the way it is. I don't need to move on."

Jay was almost yelling now, and he took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself. He could see the surprise on Amelia's face but at the moment he didn't care. He didn't want her to think that she had a chance with him; he wasn't over Erin. He wasn't sure he ever moved on from her.

"Uhh, hey. Are we interrupting something?" Jay turned to see Adam and Kim standing awkwardly at the breakroom where they had come up from the locker room.

"No, nothing important." Amelia mumbled before sitting back down at the desk.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as everyone settled back into work, the rest of the unit slowly making their way in over the next half an hour, with Hank showing up last.

"Catching up on your beauty sleep Sarge?" Jay joked as his boss walked in.

"Something you clearly know a lot about Halstead." Hank grumbled, but Jay could see the glint in his eyes. He enjoyed the comradery he now had with his boss, the last three years having bonded them in a new way.

"So, before we start today, I have an announcement." Hank sighs "As you all know, Kim will be going on maternity leave for the next three months, and Adam will be on paternity leave for two weeks. I've been looking into temporary recruits, and I'm glad to say that I've found a permanent addition for our unit."

"I thought we were already at maximum capacity?" Antonio asks.

Hank nods "Well, with us being two members down over the next few weeks, we need the extra help. And after that, Alvin has decided to cut down his hours to spend more time with Michelle and Meredith. So, we can afford to have another member since Alvin will be part-time now."

"So, who's the newbie? Do we know 'em?" Hailey says.

"I think it's safe to say I'm a familiar face." The entire unit turns at the familiar voice, their eyes collectively widening when they see Erin standing at the top of the staircase smiling at them.

"No way." Antonio is the first to speak, walking over to Erin and giving her a hug "Welcome home."

Erin smiles and whispers her thanks, suddenly squealing when Atwater picks her in a bear hug.

"It's good to have you back Lindsay."

Everyone says the same sentiments, Erin smiling as she's welcomed back into her family once more. She sees Jay still sitting at his desk, obviously surprised. Her eyes look to the right and see her. That woman; the one she hand seen Jay Halstead kissing just last night. She felt her heart ache a little more when she realised not only was Jay moving on, but she would have to work with the woman.

She steeled herself, moving away from her friends and towards the woman. She stood in front of the desk ignoring Jay's questioning eyes as she put out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Erin." She said politely.

The woman stood and shook her hand "Hi, I'm Amelia Bryer. I'm on loan from Vice."

' _So that's how she knows Jay. They used to be partner.'_ Erin nods "It's nice to meet you. I look forward to working with you."

"You too." Amelia smiles.

Erin can see Hank looking at her suspiciously, and she's praying with every fibre of her being that he doesn't know what she's really feeling towards this woman. This was her second chance; she wasn't going to let her jealousy get the better of her.

…

"Hey partner." Jay smiles walking into the breakroom.

Erin freezes at his voice, turning slowly to face him "Hey."

"How come you didn't tell me you were coming back? I could've helped you move some of your stuff back while I was there."

"I hadn't really decided on it then." Erin says quietly.

Jay nods, feeling nervous as he asks the next question "So, what made you decide to come back."

' _We were cuddled up in my bed and I realised I was still in love with you.'_ She shakes her head to rid herself of those thoughts "I just wanted to come home. I missed everyone."

Jay hears how rigid her tone is and frowns "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" She laughs awkwardly.

Jay sighs "Look Erin, about what happened-"

"It's all good Jay. We agreed to leave it in the past. You're right; Let's not risk history repeating itself. She cut him off before walking out of the breakroom without giving him a chance to answer.

He turns his head, watching her walk away from him. _'What if I wanted to risk it?'_

* * *

Erin and Kim sat in the office later that afternoon, Erin catching up on the case file while Kim does some of the Admin work she's behind on.

"I still can't believe you're back. This is perfect timing!" Kim says as she puts some folders away "What made you come back now?"

"I missed you guys. And I was getting tired of New York; it's not home. Plus I couldn't miss baby Ruzek's entrance into the world now could I?" Erin says taking a sip of her coffee.

Kim cocks an eyebrow at her friend, not believing a word she's saying "Are you sure it has nothing to do with you and Halstead boning each other in New York?"

She feels her coffee get stuck in her throat, coughing loudly and spluttering coffee all over Kim's desk. Kim chuckles quietly, grabbing some napkins and wiping at the table before handing a tissue to Erin to wipe her mouth.

"Who the fuck says boning?" Erin mutters as she cleans herself up.

"When you have a child inside of you, swear words are apparently a big taboo." Kim rolls her eyes "You should've seen the dirty looks I got from the other parents at the birth classes when I swore at Adam. And don't think I didn't notice how you avoided the question."

Erin rolled her eyes at Kim's response "He told you?"

"It doesn't take a genius to notice the happy look on his face. This boy hasn't been laid in three years, it was the only logical scenario really." Kim shrugs "So? What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing. He's moved on." Erin mutters.

Kim frowns "No he hasn't! Erin that boy has been in love with you for the past three years, there's no way he's-"

"Yes he has Kim. He was making out with Amelia last night. I saw it myself."

"What do you mean?" Kim asks.

"I came back last night. I drove straight to Jay's house, I wanted to talk to him about what happened in New York, and what me being back here meant for us. I got to apartment and I called him when I was outside, and Amelia picked up. I hung up and I saw them, kissing." Erin says softly "He's moved on Kim. I need to let him; I've caused him so much pain the past three years, he deserves to be happy."

"Erin … I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding. Just go talk to him." Kim presses.

"No." Erin says defeated "I'm done fighting for us. He said from the beginning he just wanted to be friends, and I have to accept that now. There isn't another option."

* * *

Erin sat Molly's later that night, unsure of whether she should leave or not. The unit had insisted she come for celebratory drinks to commemorate her return, but Erin's heart wasn't in it.

Of course, she was happy to be back home with her family, the knowledge that she wouldn't be leaving them in a few days to go back to New York gave her a sense of content she hadn't felt in a long time. However, watching Jay and Amelia sat at the bar in conversation made Erin's heart sink to her stomach.

She focused back on the drink in front of her as Kim bumped shoulders with her from the stool next to her. She looked up to see her friend giving her a knowing look, silently telling Erin to talk to Jay. Erin simply shook her head and looked back down at her drink.

Could she really do this? Could she work in Intelligence again, having to watch Jay move on with another woman? Things had been going so well for them the past few months. Their last night in New York was magical, and it gave her hope that Jay was feeling what she still felt for him even after three long years of pain. But as she looked at Jay and Amelia once more, she felt like an even bigger idiot for ever believing that Jay Halstead would want her back after everything she had put him through.

"Lindsay, you with us!?" Adam yelled across the table and Erin's eyes snapped back to her colleagues, forcing a smile.

"Sorry. Yeah." She mumbled.

Adam nodded raising his glass "To Erin. Welcome back Lindsay, we missed you more than you'll ever know."

Erin smiled at her friend's mini-speech, raising her own glass in the air "Believe me I know. I missed you guys just as much."

The rest of the team lifted their glasses up, everyone yelling "Cheers!" as their glasses all clunked together. And for the first time that night Erin felt a genuine smile grace her lips, and she made herself a promise in that moment.

She wasn't going to worry about Jay and Amelia tonight. She wasn't going to let her broken heart dictate her actions. She was going to spend time with her family, and celebrate being here with them again. She was going to celebrate being home.

…

"Are you sure you don't want to sit with everyone?" Jay asked again as he took his beer from Hermann.

Amelia shook her head "It's Erin's night, I'm the odd man out. You can go over if you want."

"Don't be silly, I'm not going to leave you on your own." Jay said glancing at his team seated across the room.

The truth is, he did want to be with them. He wanted to be drinking with them, listening to Adam's inappropriate jokes that made everyone rolls their eyes, and Atwater's jokes. He wanted to listen to Kim complain about not being able to drink and curse her husband yet again for knocking her up.

But most of all, he wanted to be with Erin.

She had been acting strange all day, and it was bothering him. What bothered him more was that she never mentioned the possibility of her moving back to Chicago. Why didn't she tell him when he called?

' _I never would've said what I did if I knew there was a chance.'_

"Hey, you alright?" Amelia says clicking her fingers in front of him.

"Yeah." Jay says, still distracted by his thoughts.

Amelia sighs "It's Erin, isn't it? She's the girl."

Jay doesn't say anything, just nods before taking a sip of his beer.

"Why haven't you told her how you feel?" Amelia asks.

"I didn't think it was worth it. She was in New York, and I was here. Our relationship barely worked when we were in the same unit, how the hell were we going to withstand separate work schedules in separate cities?"

"But you're not anymore, so why haven't you made a move?"

"We agreed nothing was going to happen between us. And clearly she doesn't want to be with me. She would've told me she was coming back when I said that the distance meant a relationship would never work." Jay replies dejectedly.

Amelia smirks at Jay's words, feeling her confidence rebound after last night's rejection. Jay looked back up at her and she forced a sad smile, her hand reaching out to touch his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Jay. But maybe it's a sign. It's time to let go." Amelia says with a shrug.

Jay sighs taking another long sip of his beer before responding "Maybe it is."

…

"Hey." Jay says quietly as he takes a seat across from Erin later that night.

"Hey." She replies looking down at her drink.

There's an awkward silence that they both feel choking them, and Jay clears his throat loudly before asking "Where did everyone go?"

"Adam had a few too many, and Kim was tired, so they headed home about half an hour ago. Atwater's at the bar trying to convince Hermann to let him host a party at Molly's North for his sister's 18th birthday. Antonio left ages ago; Diego and Ava are meeting him and Brett for dinner tonight." Erin explained "Where's Amelia?"

Jay nodded at the information "Her boss called to check in on the case. Hermann's letting her use his office so she has some privacy."

It's quiet again, the nerves growing within Erin as she clutches her drink tightly "I'm really sorry."

"For what?" Jay frowns.

"Amelia." She simply states, and Jay simply looks at her even more confused "If I had known you were seeing someone, I never would've let that night happen. I hope I didn't cause any trouble for you."

"What are you talking about?" Jay asks.

"Amelia. You don't have to worry about my feelings Jay, I'm a big girl. I can handle the news that you're dating someone." Erin tries to make it sound like a joke, but her throat tightens and the words come out more pained than she wanted them to sound "Anyways, um, I just hope I haven't caused any problems for you guys. I didn't even consider the possibility that you were dating when we slept together."

He can see the pained expression in her eyes, and it shakes him out of the confused state he seems to have been in since she started apologising. "Erin, you don't understand-"

"It's okay Jay. You don't have to explain it to me." Erin cuts him off, quickly standing as she sees Amelia coming out from the back office "I should get going, It's been a long day. I just wanted to say I'm happy for you. You deserved to be happy Jay."

He watches as she grabs her bag and begins moving through the packed crowd of people that fill the bar, unsure of what to say to her. _'The only person I want to be happy with is you.'_

"Hey, everything okay?" Amelia asks as she sits down in the seat Erin had just vacated.

Jay quickly looks at her before standing from his stool. Amelia looks at him concerned, waiting for him to answer her.

"No. It's all wrong." He mumbles before rushing after Erin.

 **A/N: Okay, so I'm not sure if I established any relationships and stuff for Antonio or the other IU members – except for Adam and Kim of course – so hopefully the mention of Antonio and Brett wasn't too odd lol.**

 **Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I got a bit stuck on how to write the ending so apologies for the late update.**

 **As always, please review! Let me know what you think of Amelia …**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	22. Head or Heart, You Set the Other on Fire

**A/N: You guys have seriously made my day! I woke up this morning to see that You Were Good is now at THREE HUNDRED REVIEWS!  
That is the most reviews I've gotten on a story so far and it makes me so happy, thank you so much.**

 **So, as a thank you gift, here is the next chapter a whole week earlier than I had intended to post it.**

 **Enjoy!**

" _Hey, everything okay?" Amelia asks as she sits down in the seat Erin had just vacated._

 _Jay quickly looks at her before standing from his stool. Amelia looks at him concerned, waiting for him to answer her._

" _No. It's all wrong." He mumbles before rushing after Erin._

…

"Erin!" He yells as soon as he steps outside of the bar. He knows she's parked at the district still, and so he turns to his left and begins walking that way. He can feel his legs move faster the longer it takes him to find her, and he's growing more anxious.

' _How fucking fast can she run?'_ His feet move faster, and before he realises he's ran all the way to the district two blocks down, out of breath and slightly woozy from all the alcohol he's consumed.

He ignores the burning sensation in his chest and continues into the carpark. He sees her there, tears rolling down her eyes as she sits in her car.

"Erin!" He yells again, and he sees her head snap up. Her eyes widen and before he can stop her, she's already driving out of the carpark. He runs beside the car as it drives out, trying to stop her, but he knows it's no use.

He stands outside, watching her car speed down the street as he tries to catch his breath. He doesn't understand anymore. He doesn't know what's caused this reaction from her. He doesn't know what he's done wrong.

But he's now more determined than ever to find out.

* * *

"So, you going to tell me what's happening with you, or do I have to guess?"

Erin looks up from her coffee at Hank's words, smiling sadly "Sorry, I know I'm not really the best company right now."

"Kid, I just want to know what's wrong. I thought you were happy about coming back?"

"I am. Honestly, I'm happy to be home. I just … something happened that night with Jay, and I don't know how to handle it." Erin says taking a sip of her drink.

"Talk to me." Hank simply says, waiting for Erin to finally confide in him.

"I lied, the night I arrived in Chicago. I went to Jay's apartment first, and I called him when I was outside, and Amelia picked up. I hung up and I saw them kissing through the window. And then last night I tried to act like I was cool with it, but I couldn't. I ran out of Molly's and he chased me, but I drove off as soon as he saw me. I couldn't handle it. I don't know if I can cope seeing them every day in the office Hank."

"Amelia is only here on temporary assignment Erin. We're just helping Vice track down this gang leader they want and then she's done." Hank says in an effort to console her.

"It's not just about her working with us Hank. I can't watch him move on with someone else. I thought I was okay with it, but after-" She stops short, realising what she's about to tell him.

"After what?" Hank presses.

"When he came to visit me in New York, we …" She trailed off, feeling embarrassed about saying this in front of the man she considered her father.

"You had sex." Hank says "I may be old Erin, but I'm not an idiot."

Erin lets out a laugh at that. _'Leave it to Hank to make any awkward situation seem like it's nothing.'_

"Anyways, that night when Jay was sleeping next to me, it felt like old times. It felt like we had finally moved on from all the pain and drama of our past. I called Jane right then and there and told her I wanted to go back home."

"You came back to be with him." Hank states.

"For the most part, yes." She admits "But now, he's moved on with Amelia, and I'm starting to question what exactly I gave up everything in New York for. I'm glad to be back home with everyone, I missed my family. But I'm starting to question if it was the right decision for me."

Hank walks around the kitchen island and stands beside Erin, wrapping his arms around her in a side-hug "It's gonna be okay kid. These things have a way of figuring themselves out."

Erin sighs as she leans her head against his shoulder "I hope so."

* * *

Later that morning Jay sit in Hank's office, the two sharing a cup of coffee.

"What the hell happened between you and Erin last night?" Hank asks suddenly.

Jay coughs, choking on the sip of coffee he was taking "What do you mean?"

"She told me everything. What the hell do you think you're doing to her?"

"I haven't done anything! She's the one that ran out without telling me what's going on with her!" Jay exclaims.

"Maybe because you broke her heart." Hank sighs "Damnit, I knew this wasn't going to work. I should never have agreed to her coming back."

"Hank, what the hell did I do? Please, I want to fix this, but I don't know how."

"She came back for you Jay, and you're too busy screwing Amelia." Hank said.

"I'm not screwing anyone! I've only ever wanted Erin!" Jay yells back, and he can see the surprise register on Hank's face.

"You're not dating Amelia?" He asks.

Jay groans "For fuck's sake, no! She wanted to get together, I told her I couldn't. I wouldn't do that to Erin, you've got to believe me Hank."

"I do." Hank says after a minute "It's Erin you need to convince."

"I'm trying. If she didn't run away from me, it'd make it a hell of a lot easier." Jay sighs.

Hank chuckles "Love's never easy Jay. You just gotta get her to listen. Don't give up on her. She's stubborn, and hurt, but she can't avoid you forever."

Jay smiles sadly at his boss "Thanks."

* * *

' _I'm going to kill Hank.'_ It's the only thought that's been recurring on a loop in her head as she sits _shotgun_ in the car. She can't believe he partnered them up, after _everything_ she told him this morning.

' _What the hell is he playing at?'_

"So, your Jay's old partner right?" Amelia asks as she turns a corner.

Erin grunts as she slides in her seat, hoping that they make it back to the district alive.

"Yeah, we were partners for four years, before I moved to New York. How long did you guys work together?"

"About two and a half years I think. I was one of the later additions to the unit, Jay had been there for a long while, I think pretty much since he was straight out of the Academy."

Erin nods, already knowing Jay's history with the Vice unit, but not wanting to sound rude. Amelia was technically a stranger to her, she had no reason that Amelia was aware of for Erin to hate her. _'This is Jay's girlfriend. We care about Jay; we have to be nice to the girlfriend Erin.'_

"That must have been hard for you, leaving Chicago. Especially leaving Jay. I know that feeling all too well." Amelia says.

Erin turns to look at her "What do you mean?"

Amelia smirks "Well, Jay and I weren't just partners, you know."

"You two dated when you were partners?" Erin asked softly.

"We had some fun. Jay and I, we both got along really well. We were always flirting with each other, but it was frowned upon for us to date; our profession doesn't really allow for much in-house romance, you know? Anyways, we always had this … sexual tension between us. One night, we got a bit too drunk. We had a night of fun, that kept happening every now and then." Amelia giggles.

Erin can feel her heart-breaking further, her mind replaying all the times she and Jay shared over the years.

" _I feel like a house husband."_

" _Maybe one day?"_

" _Put it this way if I were to ask you out, would I have to get his permission first?"_

" _You gonna try to play Scrabble with me too?"_

" _You know, we could always give one a test drive." "Test out the function?" "I hope we're talking about the same thing."_

All those moments they shared together, the ones she thought he hadn't shared with anyone else. And now, all she could think about was if this was Jay Halstead's pattern. Did he always fall for his partners?

' _Was I really that important to him?'_

They arrived at the station and Erin jumped out of the car, needing to get as far away from Amelia as possible. She saw Jay waiting at the back entrance to the building and she pushed past him and continued up to the locker room.

She ran inside, shutting the door behind her, pacing in front of her locker as she tried to control her breathing. She couldn't handle this right now. This was too much. And the more she thought about it, the angrier she grew at Jay. She angrier she became with herself for allowing herself to be pulled back into this same position.

Footsteps can be heard from down the hall and Erin knows he's coming after her, he's not going to let this go. She leans against her locker, taking deep breaths to calm herself down, but it's no use.

"Erin?" Jay asks walking into the locker room. He shuts the door behind him, not wanting the unit to hear their conversation, but also not wanting to give her a chance to escape.

"Go away." He turns to see her leaning against her locker, eyes closed and one arm up covering her face.

"No." He simply states, standing in front of her and waiting for her to look at him.

"What do you want, Jay?"

He reaches forward and takes her arm, pulling it down to her side. She looks at him, a mix of surprise and anger covering her face.

"I want to know what the hell is going on with you!" He exclaims.

"I'm fine." She says straight-faced, finally opening her eyes to look at him.

He can see the tinge of red in them, proof of the tears she's trying to hold back, and he steps forward ready to enclose her in his arms.

"Don't touch me right now." She says putting out her hand to stop him from moving any closer to her "I don't want to be anywhere near you right now."

Jay sighs frustrated "Okay seriously, what the fuck is going on!? I thought we were okay! Is this about New York?"

"What?" She says confused.

"You said we were okay after New York! We agreed that it was a one-time thing, but you've barely spoken to me since then, and now you're mad at me for no reason! So, what the hell is the problem?" He's yelling now, matching her voice, and he knows the situation is getting out of control, but he can't stop himself.

"The problem is I came back to Chicago to be with you, and you're too busy screwing a woman that shares the same history as I do with you!"

She can see the shock on his face, and Erin's pretty sure her own eyes are wide in surprise. Her hand comes up to cover her mouth, immediately regretting the words. She knew this was a bad idea; she was too angry for this conversation. But now it's out there, he knows the truth.

"Nothing's going on with me Ame-"

"Oh, save it Jay! I saw you kissing her! I came to your apartment, to tell you I wanted to be with you, and you were too busy sticking your tongue down her throat, not even 24 hours after we slept together!" The tears are falling now, and she can't stop it anymore "Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?"

"Erin …" He doesn't know how to respond anymore. _'Tell her you love her. Tell her you want to be with her.'_

"Just forget it Jay. I knew this was a mistake." She rushes past him before he has a chance to react, running out of the room once more and leaving Jay in shock, not sure how to process everything that's just happened.

A few minutes later, once the information has finally settled in his mind, he turns to follow after her but comes face-to-face with Kim waiting for him.

She shakes her head sadly "She left."

 **A/N: Hope you guys like this chapter, thank you so much for all the support!**

 **I swear, the Linstead angst-sadness is coming to an end, sooner than you think! Please review and let me know what you thought of the chapter.**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	23. Lover Come Back

**A/N: Two chapters? Two days in a row? No, you're not dreaming! You guys are literally the best in the world, I love every review and your kind messages on Twitter too - thank you so much :)**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin asks for the rest of the day off. She knows she shouldn't run off, that she should confront the situation head on, but she can't handle it right now. Erin's confused; she doesn't know what to do next, and so she goes to the one person left in the world that she can talk to.

"Hey Sweetie." Erin says walking up to the gravestone "I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while; If you've been watching, then you'll know I haven't really been around much the past few years."

Erin lays the flowers down on the grass, her fingers brushing over the engraved words on the headstone. _Nadia Decotis._

"So, I'm at a loss here Nads. I'm not sure what I do anymore." Erin sighs "If you're keeping track, I completely stuffed up with Jay. I don't know where we go from here … I can't do this anymore Nadia. I can't keep feeling like this."

The tears fall from her eyes as she sits down in front of Nadia's grave, wishing more than ever that the young girl was here with her now.

There had been many times over the years when Erin had missed her best friend; when she moved to New York, when her anniversary struck each year, when Erin spent her birthdays alone in her apartment watching the few videos she had of them and the unit out together. When she joined the FBI, and then moved to Tuckson's unit, she wished every time that Nadia were there.

"I miss you so much. If you were here right now, you would've smacked me over the head and told me I was being ridiculous." Erin laughed through her tears.

" _Wait, what did you just call him?" Nadia says as she sits down next to Erin on the couch._

" _Who?" Erin asks confused._

" _Jay! You just said he was your husband!"_

 _Erin rolls her eyes "_ _ **House**_ _husband, Nadia. And I didn't call him that,_ _ **he**_ _did!"_

" _Why would he call himself your house-husband?" Nadia frowns "You two are partners, it's not like you wear the pants in that relationship."_

 _Erin can't help but smirk "Well … I do kind of have all the driving privileges."_

 _Nadia looks at her shocked "What!? You make the poor guy ride shotgun?"_

" _I don't like other people driving." Erin shrugs taking a sip of her beer._

" _Erin! That guy is so into you! And poor Jay, Hank basically threatened him if he came anywhere near you. And now you're telling me you make the poor guy drive shotgun too!?"_

" _Hey, it's not my fault Hank went off on him!" Erin exclaimed_

" _That guys deserves a break. Erin, you need to let him drive a little!" Nadia sasses back._

" _Never." Erin smiles smugly, turning toward the television._

"Am I being crazy? I didn't even listen to what he had to say, I was too busy dealing with my own feelings, I didn't even give him a chance to explain." Erin sighed "But what if he hurts me again? We cause each other so much pain, is it even worth it anymore?"

She feels the wind pick up all of a sudden, and can't help but smile. She closes her eyes, relishing the moment. _'Thanks Nads.'_

* * *

Jay gets home later that night, Amelia already waiting for him.

"Hey." She smiles widely, grabbing a beer from the fridge "You want one?"

"What did you say to Erin?" Jay asks immediately.

Amelia looks at him confused "What do you mean?"

"Erin seems to think you and I have a history. But you and I both know that we never even slept together." Jay narrows his eyes at her.

"Jay, I was just kidding with her." Amelia laughs awkwardly, taking a sip of her beer.

"Don't give me that crap Amy. What did you say to her!" He yells.

"I may have embellished our past a little bit …" Amelia mumbles.

Jay's eyes widen "What the hell are you playing at Amy!? You know how I feel about Erin, and you're trying to sabotage us!"

Amelia rolled her eyes "You're being over dramatic Jay, I'm sure she's fine."

"You don't understand Amelia. You don't get it, at all." Jay shook his head "I have to go."

Amelia walked over and grabbed Jay by the arm "Jay, forget about Erin. Just be here, with me."

Before Jay could respond Amelia reached up and crushed her lips against his once more.

Jay grabbed Amelia by the arms and pushed her away from him "Dammit Amelia. What the fuck are you doing?"

"Come on Jay, you know you want this. You can't deny the feelings that were there between us all those years ago."

"Amelia … Maybe once, a _long_ time ago, I thought we had something. But I don't want it anymore. I haven't for a long time." Jay looked at Amelia and shook his head "I need to go. I don't want to see you here when I get back."

"Jay!" Amelia plead as he rushed out the door, but it was too late.

…

" _Jay? It's 10 o'clock at night. Why are you calling me?"_ Kim asked tiredly through the phone.

"Kim, what did Erin say to you?" Jay asks.

" _What are you talking about?"_ Kim plays confused, not wanting to betray her friend's trust.

"Kim, please. I know she would've confided in you. Amelia's got her thinking things that aren't true, I need to know why she's so upset with me." Jay begs.

Kim sighs _"She saw Amelia kiss you in your apartment. The night before she showed up in Intelligence. She came to see you, to tell you she wanted to be with you. But she saw you kissing Amelia, and she assumed you'd moved on."_

"Dammit." Jay groans "Thanks Kim. I got to go."

Kim smiles, nodding her head _"I hope you get her."_

"Me too." Jay smiles before hanging up and driving out his apartment block.

* * *

Erin watches from her spot on the couch as the rain falls down the windows. She can hear the windows upstairs rattling against the wind, but she ignores them. She takes a sip from the cup of coffee she's holding, trying to warm her body; the heating has stopped working, and Erin can't help but feel annoyed that this is the only night Hank chooses to stay the night at Olive's house to babysit Daniel.

She can feel herself falling asleep to the rhythm of the rain, when she's jolted awake by a loud knock at the door. She questions ignoring it, cuddling back into the pillow that's rested under her head, but the knocking grows more incessant and Erin groans as she gets up from the couch.

She's almost at the door when she hears his voice, causing her to freeze in his spot "Erin! Erin, are you there? Please, I need to talk to you!"

She takes a few deep breaths, trying to still her racing heart, before she opens the door to see Jay standing on the porch completely soaked.

"What, did you run all the way over here?" She says sarcastically.

"I need to talk to you." Jay says seriously, ignoring her attempt at deflecting the situation.

"Jay … I don't think I can do this right now." Erin sighs "it's been a long day, I just really wanna-"

"I'm not dating Amelia." He rushes out "I know what she said, and it's a lie."

"I saw you kissing her." Erin says lamely.

"She tried to kiss me, I told her I didn't want to be with her. I want you Erin, I've only _ever_ wanted you." Jay insists "You have to believe me Erin, please. _Nothing_ has, or ever will, happen with Amelia."

"Jay … It doesn't matter, it's not going to work. We just keep falling back into old habits."

"I know we hurt each other in the past, we made mistakes. But we won't let it happen this time."

"How can you be sure of that?" Erin scoffs.

Jay takes a step forward "Because it's for real this time. We never gave it our honest effort Erin, we kept running from our issues, and avoiding the truth. We got together at the _worst_ possible times in our lives. We never gave ourselves a real chance."

"Jay." Erin whispers, at a loss for words.

"I let you go once before, without a fight. I'm not waiting another three years for a second chance Erin." Jay says strongly, stepping towards her again.

They're standing face to face now, Erin's holding her breath as he looks her in the eyes. His hands come up to cup her cheeks, and he leans forward so their foreheads are gently touching and noses grazing.

"Erin, tell me what you're thinking. Be honest with me, please." He whispers.

She sniffles, tears blurring her vision slightly "I want to be with you. Hell, I moved from New York to be with you. But when I saw you kissing Amelia … I don't want to get hurt again Jay. I don't want to hurt _you_ again."

He leans in and kisses her softly, and they both feel the rush of electricity that races through their bodies at the other's touch. Erin's arms wrap around Jay's neck, pulling him to her, both revelling in one another for a few minutes.

Jay pulls away slowly, still holding onto her "Tell me you don't feel what I feel Erin. Tell me you haven't spent the last three years with the same weight in your heart. Tell me to walk away, and I will."

She's quiet for a few moments, and Jay's nerves build with each second that passes. _'Don't say it. Please.'_

"I can't." She whispers against his lips "I don't want you to walk away. I love you. I've never stopped loving you."

Jay's pretty sure his face is about to split from how wide his smile is "I love you too."

Erin's smile matches his own, and she pulls him down to kiss her again. She can feel herself getting lost in him again and she pulls him inside by his shirt, their lips never parting as she kicks the door shut behind her.

 **A/N: I feel like this chapter was a bit anti-climatic in terms of their resolution, but this is the way I've had this chapter planned since the start and honestly my heart couldn't seperate with my vision. I hope it wasn't disappointing ... !**

 **I hope you guys like what I did this chapter, please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	24. Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You

**A/N: Ahhh you guys are killing me with all the reviews! In the space of two chapters this story has gone from 300 to 343 reviews!? Thank you so much x**

 **There was one guest review I want to address; I just wanted to say the ending of last chapter was not me avoiding smut, Erin and Jay did NOT have sex at the end of the chapter, they were just kissing :)**

 **And for those wondering about what Erin and Will were talking about, and when you'll find out … It's coming sometime in the next two chapters I promise!**

 **Enjoy!**

"You're gonna be the death of me." Jay chuckles as he holds Erin tighter against him.

"What?" she mumbles sleepily against him.

"When Hank finds me half-naked asleep in your childhood bed, he'll have my balls." Jay says as way of explanation.

Erin giggles against his chest, her hand squeezing tighter on his shoulder "You don't have to worry. He's staying the night with Olive and Daniel Your balls are safe."

"Well then, I guess everything's working in my favour tonight." Jay says wiggling his eyebrows at her.

Erin rolls her eyes "Down boy. I'm too tired, and quite frankly, emotionally drained tonight."

"I'm just kidding. We only got back together … 2 hours ago." He says looking at his watch "We're not rushing anything this time."

"You don't think staying the night after only getting back together 2 hours ago is rushing things?" Erin jokes.

"Nup. That's just standard protocol for us. We always fall into bed together after getting back together." Jay smirks.

"You make it sound like we break up every other week." Erin chuckles.

"Well either way, that won't be happening anymore." Jay says confidently.

Erin cocks an eyebrow at him "You're pretty sure of yourself huh?"

Jay leans down and kisses her softly "I'm sure of _us_. I don't plan on letting you out my grasp ever again Erin Lindsay. I've got a whole plan for us."

She looks up at him, surprised by his words "You've thought about our life together?"

"Of course. Haven't you?" He asks nervously.

"Of course I have. I've only ever wanted a life with you Jay." She smiles shyly "What did you see, in our life together?"

"Well, firstly we're getting a dog." Jay says adamantly "I'm thinking a beagle."

"I prefer pitbulls." She counters.

Jay rolls his eyes "We'll see. Anyways, so we'll get a dog. But of course our apartment isn't really suitable for animals, so obviously we'll have to buy a house. And after a year, I'll propose to you. Preferably in Wisconsin; we'll have done multiple vacations there by then and you'll be in love with it."

"We'll see about that." Erin scoffs, but can't hide the smile that keeps growing every time Jay tells her what he sees for their future.

"And we'll get married in June, of course." He says smirking at her knowingly.

Erin feels tears fill her eyes "You remembered."

" _These movies are so unrealistic." Jay groans as he and Erin eat their dinner, both curled up on the couch, watching 'Bride Wars'._

" _They're not supposed to be factual, this isn't a documentary Jay." Erin rolls her eyes._

 _Jay narrows his eyes "Hey, don't mock my documentaries."_

" _Whatever. All I'm saying is, if_ _ **my**_ _best friend tried to take my dream wedding date, I'd cut her."_

" _You have a dream wedding date?" Jay says surprised._

" _Everyone does Jay. Just because I'm not a 'girly-girl' doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I know exactly when we're getting married."_

 _He sees her freeze momentarily, and he feels a surge of warmth in his heart. She's envisioned their future, she wants him around for the long haul. He can see the internal panic in her eyes, and so he brushed over her slip-up._

" _So, what ideal wedding date have you chosen Miss Lindsay?" He says mockingly._

" _June 12_ _th_ _." Erin says, looking relieved that he hasn't pushed on the marriage talk "It's Camille's birthday. I want her to be a part of the day. Plus everyone says June weddings are the best."_

 _Jay smiles "June 12_ _th_ _is a good date."_

"How could I forget? You're not one to bring up the subject of marriage willingly Erin. That memory is forever scarred into my brain."

She's crying now, but she doesn't bother to stop the tears. It feels like the past three months, she's either cried tears of joy or tears of sorrow when it came to Jay Halstead. He's used to seeing her cry. She no longer feels vulnerable expressing her emotions around him.

"I love you so much." She whispers.

Jay smiles "I love you too. Just you wait Erin Lindsay, you and me, we're gonna have the best life. Dogs, wedding, kids. I'm gonna give you a family one day."

He feels her still in his arms and he frowns "You okay?"

"Yeah. Um, I just got a chill all of a sudden. It's too cold for me." She mumbles.

Jay looks at her unsure, but he can't see anything on her face to say anything different. He holds her tighter, pulling the blanket up from around their waists to cover them both.

"You should sleep, we got to be at work early tomorrow." Erin says softly, head resting against Jay's chest as she wraps her arms tighter around his waist.

"Okay." He says confused, kissing the top of her head.

He wants to push, to ask her what's wrong, but he promised himself he wouldn't. He wasn't going to make her talk to him until she was ready; he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time.

So, instead, he settles for a simple "Night Erin."

"Goodnight Jay." She says softly.

She hears his start to even out within a few minutes, but she feels wide awake, her body wracked with nerves ever since he said those words.

" _Dogs, wedding, kids. I'm gonna give you a family one day."_

She sighed, knowing they needed to talk. But as she looked up at his peaceful face she realised he was fast asleep. _'It can wait.'_

* * *

Jay woke up the next morning, wondering where Erin was. He got up and made his way down the stairs, keeping an eye out for Hank as he went. He could hear a commotion in the kitchen, heading in to see Erin making pancakes. He smiled, sneaking up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist, chuckling when she jumped at the contact.

"Good morning." He mumbled kissing her neck.

He can feel the smile lighting up her face "Hi. I'm making pancakes."

"I can see. When did you learn to cook?" He asks.

Erin rolls her eyes "I've always known how to cook! Geez, you burn _one_ roast chicken and you're branded for life."

"Well, you never cooked after that incident." Jay rebuts as he moves to fill them a cup of coffee each.

"That's just because I liked your cooking better." Erin says shyly.

Jay smiles passing her the coffee mug "I like cooking for you."

"Good." Erin says taking the mug from him, returning to check on the pancakes "Now, go sit down and let me focus. I'm not burning anything today."

Jay nods walking to the island bench and sitting down, watching her cook. He couldn't rid himself of the concern he felt, ever since last night. It was taking all his strength to not push the topic; he wanted her to feel comfortable enough to open up to him, to not feel obligated to tell him just because he's asking her.

He's broken from his thoughts when a stack of pancakes are put in front of him, Erin dropping into the seat next to him "Told you I wouldn't burn them." She says triumphantly.

Jay leans over and kisses her cheek "Thank you."

She feels her cheeks heat up at the action, and she questions when it was that Jay Halstead started having this effect on her. There's something about it; the feeling that this time, they're going to last. They're going to do whatever it takes to make this work. It has her feeling like a teenager, giddy about her first crush.

"Hank should be coming soon. He wants us all to have lunch, Antonio and Brett are coming soon, and the rest of the unit will be here by noon." She tells him.

Jay nods "I should probably head home and change then."

Erin shrugs "Who cares? It's not like we're hiding this, right?"

"Of course not. But I'd rather not have Hank on my bad side. And I have a feeling that if he finds out I stayed in his house, in bed with you, while he was away? I'm a dead man." Jay says.

Erin scoffs "Oh please, Hank loves you. You're practically a son to him by now."

Jay grimaces at that "Okay no. That's too creepy."

"What's creepy about that?" Erin exclaims "I like that you two are so close now.:

"It's creepy because you're basically Hank's daughter. I would prefer a different label than one that makes me sound like I'm your brother." Jay shudders.

Erin giggles at his dramatics "Okay, you two are close friends now. Better?"

"Much." Jay says with a grin.

Erin shakes her head at Jay's antics "Eat your food. Everyone's going to be here soon."

* * *

The team had all arrived by noon, as expected, and the house was now full of laughter and loud conversation. Erin was currently sitting with Kim in the living room, listening to her complain about being close to her due date, and just wanting her baby girl to 'get out of her already'.

Erin's eye flicked towards the dining table, where Jay sat with the boys, most likely listening to Adam complain about Kim's complaining. Jay's head turned to look at her, the two smiling at one another.

"You two are so cute." Kim says, forcing Erin to look back at her friend.

"What?"

"You and Jay. You're so obvious." Kim smirks "Besides, he called me last night. And judging by the googly eyes you two are giving each other, I think it's safe to say you two are back together?"

Erin nods, Kim's eyes lighting up as she squeals and reaches over the hug her friend "Oh I'm so happy for you two! It took you guys long enough."

"We're stubborn people." Erin laughs "Thanks for pushing us Kim."

"What else is a best friend for if not to force you to tell the man you love that you want to be with him?" She says with a laugh "I'm just glad that knucklehead called me last night. He may not have come to see you otherwise."

Erin opens her mouth to ask what she means by that, but they're interrupted by Adam plopping down between the two of them, leaning over to give Kim a loud kiss against her cheek.

Antonio and Alvin sit on the other side of the L-shaped couch Erin, Kim and Adam are currently seated on, while Jay sits on the single couch chair on the right. Erin eyes him, her hand patting the spot next to him, and she can see the worry in his eyes. So instead, she stands up and walks over to him, sitting down on his lap and taking him by surprise.

His arms immediately come to wrap around her waist, making sure she doesn't slip, and her hands rest on top of his in content. She sees the rest of her team looking at them, eyebrows raised and eyes wide as they all take in what's happening.

Hank walks in with a bowl of chips and dip, stopping when he sees the couple. She can feel Jay tense underneath her, but she stares back at Hank, refusing to let him intimidate either of them. Hank smiles after a few seconds, continuing to the coffee table to set down the snacks before heading back out to the Barbeque.

Jay sighs before whispering in her ear "You're going to be the death of me Erin Lindsay."

"I told you he'd be fine." Erin says softly "Besides, we're not hiding this time. I won't."

Jay leans forward and kisses her cheek "Me either."

Antonio coughs loudly, breaking the two apart "So, do you two want to explain."

Erin shrugs "Jay came over last night, we talked, we're back together."

"Last night? I had a feeling those clothes looked familiar." Alvin says eyeing Jay.

"And here I was questioning if Halstead was ever gonna get laid again." Ruzek jokes "That was a hell of a drought buddy."

Jay glares at his friend, silently cursing him for bringing up his and Erin's sex life in such close proximity to Hank; they may be closer now, but Jay knew his boss wouldn't appreciate hearing the personal details of his and Erin's relationship.

"If you don't shut up Ruzek, you're gonna be in a drought of your own." Kim says, taking the focus off Erin and Jay.

Erin's eyes met Kim's and she smiled, silently thanking her friend. Kim gave her a small shrug back before focusing back on her husband's voice.

* * *

"Hey kid." Hank says as Erin enters the backyard, standing next to him on the deck.

"Hey." She says leaning against him.

"So, you and Halstead?" Hank asks.

Erin smiles "You were right. We just needed to talk everything out."

"I'm happy for you Erin. I know I was against it in the beginning, but you two are good for each other. You need one another more than I realised."

"He makes me happy Hank. I just hope I can do the same for him."

"You already make him happy Erin. After everything you two have been through, how can you still doubt that?" Hank asks.

Erin sighs "There's just some things we need to discuss about our future, and hopefully he'll be able to accept what I have to tell him."

Hank frowns at her words, his concern growing "Is everything okay?"

Erin nods looking up at him "Yeah, I'm fine."

He nods, although he doesn't believe her, but knows she isn't ready to talk about it "Okay. I'm going to take the food in. You coming?"

"I'll be inside in a minute."

Hank places a gentle kiss on the top of her head, squeezing her into his side for a second before pulling apart and grabbing the food to take inside.

Erin leans her arms against the railing that surrounds the deck, leaning forward and watching watching the wind blow slowly through the trees. Her mind keeps flashing back her talk with Will, the memory pressing even harder after her talk with Jay last night.

" _Hey." Will says walking into the room late at night. He had kept his distance after she woke up, knowing Jay and team wanted the time with Erin to make sure she was okay and to take care of her._

" _Hey." Erin smiles "I'm glad you're here, I could kill for some conversation right now."_

 _Will spies his brother sleeping in the chair in the corner of the room and he chuckles softly "Well, I don't think our conversation is going to be one you'll enjoy."_

 _Erin frowns at his words "Is something wrong?"_

" _I, uh, I didn't know if I should mention it or not. I mean, it's not my business, but I saw it and I felt like it wasn't appropriate to not at least let you know I knew and-"_

" _Will." Erin says softly "I've just woken up from surgery after a gunshot wound. Please, my head cannot handle the Halstead ramblings right now."_

 _Will smiled sheepishly, his hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He sat down on the edge of her bed and took a deep breath before speaking again._

" _I checked over your file earlier, to see if there was anything we needed to be aware of while you were unconscious. I know your history with drugs, so I figured there would be a note in your file about it so that I could get the hospital to make sure they administered the right medication given your history." Will began._

 _Erin nodded "I appreciate that, thank you."_

" _Erin, your file mentions a car crash two years ago. One in which you were basically pinned inside, and you had to undergo major surgery."_

 _Will sees Erin's eyes widen, and he knows that she's finally clicked on where he's going with this conversation._

" _You know." Erin panicked "Will, you can't tell anyone. Please, no one knows."_

" _Hey, I'm not gonna tell anyone." Will says, reaching over to hold her hand "You have my word on that. Even_ _ **if**_ _I wanted to, patient-doctor confidentiality, remember?"_

 _Erin sighed in relief, leaning back into her bed again._

 _"Erin, I know I can't tell anyone, but I think you should. This is a pretty big deal." Will says._

" _It only affects my life Will, what good will it be telling everyone that I can't have kids? I don't want them pitying me." Erin says bitterly._

" _There's still a chance Erin, the notes attached to your file from that accident specifically state that there is a small chance you can still conceive." Will urges._

" _It doesn't matter Will. I came to terms with this a long time ago, I wouldn't have been a very good mother anyways." Erin chuckles awkwardly "It's not like I had the best mother, screwing up a child is practically in my DNA."_

" _Erin … You know that's not true. I've seen you with Danny, and even with Kim. She hasn't even had the baby yet and you're already so caring towards that child. You'd be a wonderful mother."_

" _It's not important anymore Will. I've already given up any hope of having kids. Besides, there was only one person I ever thought I would make a family with…" Both their eyes briefly flick towards a still sleeping Jay "And that's not going to happen, so I've put that to rest. I'm not ever going to be a mother Will. I don't want children with anyone else."_

 _Will nods, knowing she wants to stop the conversation before her emotions get the better of her. He can see she's not coping with it, even after all these years, but he can't push her. All he can do, is keep an eye on her, and make sure that he's there if she needs someone._

" _Promise me, if you need help, you'll ask me. Okay?" Will says after a few moments._

 _Erin smiles tightly, her eyes glistening from unshed tears as she leans forward to speak to him "I promise. But I'm fine Will. It's okay."_

" _It's not okay." Will says wrapping his arms around her "It sucks."_

 _He hears her sniffle as her head falls to his shoulder "You're a good man Will. Thank you."_

 _Will just nods and continues to hold her tight._

She's broken from her memories when a familiar pair of arms wrap around her just like they did this morning "Hey, you alright?"

"Yeah." Erin sniffles, not realising she had been tearing up, and turns her head to look up at Jay "I was just thinking how happy I am to be home."

She sees the concern in his eyes, but he doesn't push, and she's thankful for it.

"Come on, lunch is ready." He simply says, taking her hand and leading her inside.

Erin smiles and follows him in, trying to silence the voice inside her head.

' _You have to tell him.'_

 **A/N: Okay, so this feels like a bit of an akward ending BUT this chapter was almost 7000 words so I've decided to cut it into two chapters. I'll post the next part tomorrow!**

 **What do you guys think of Erin and Will's conversation? I wanted to answer everyone's question about what they knew by doing the flashback instead of just Erin telling Jay, so hopefully it was good!**

 **As always, please review and let me know what you thought; the story is already at 361 reviews and I'm so grateful for each and every one, they're so motivating for me thank you all so much please keep them coming!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	25. Fall Apart, Down to My Core

**A/N: You guys are seriously the best! I know I say this every time, but your reviews mean the world to me and I can't believe this story is almost at 400 reviews that honestly makes me so happy :)**

 **To the guest reviewer worried about the title of last chapter hinting bad things ahead: Do not worry at all! Linstead is pretty good from here on out haha the title was more in regards to Jay feeling like Erin still didn't trust him enough to communicate with him and he was more giving up on the choice of not pushing her on talking about her feelings because he was doubting whether she would confide in him. But as you'll see this chapter, that worry was all for nothing.**

 **PS: Long Bottom Author's Note but is something I need you all to see so PLEASE READ IT.**

 **Enjoy!**

Erin had been quiet for most of dinner, and it was driving Jay crazy, Hank had kept eyeing him, silently trying to suss out if the detective knew anything about why his pseudo-daughter was acting so odd. The fact that Hank was out of the loop made Jay even more nervous; Hank _always_ knew before he did. It was one of the main reasons he always pushed for Erin to talk to him, he wanted to be who she confided in. He wanted to be who she trusted in.

Jay and Erin now sat cuddled up together on the couch, the whole team bundled up into the living room again as they all talked and reminisced about different cases and stories over the years. Jay leaned down as Erin's fingers fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, a deep frown on her face.

"Hey, you with us?" He said nudging her shoulder slightly so she was jolted out of her state.

Erin looked up at him "Yeah, I'm fi-"

"Please don't tell me you're fine." He whispers back "I know you're not. And if you don't want to talk to me about it, you don't have to, but if you tell me you're fine one more time I'm gonna go mad."

Erin can't help the laugh that escapes her at his words "I have been saying it a lot these past few days, haven't I? I'm sorry, you're right I'm not fine. And I do want to tell you, I just don't think it's a conversation here and now."

Jay's eyes scan the room, the rest of their teammates still deep in conversation, and he knows she's right. They may not be listening to the couple, but that didn't mean now was an appropriate time for the conversation Erin wanted to have. He needed to be patient for just a little while longer.

"I promise we'll talk tonight." Erin says softly kissing his cheek.

Before Jay can say anything, Adam turns to start a conversation with them about the annual CPD barbeque that's coming up next month, so Jay settles for squeezing her against him, kissing the top of her head in an effort to reassure her that there's no pressure. That he's willing for her to confide in him, whenever she feels ready.

* * *

Erin and Jay walked quietly into his apartment later that night. It was bordering on midnight, Erin and Jay were both tired and he was beginning to question if bringing her here to talk was the right decision.

"Do you wanna just go to bed?" Jay says before she has a chance to open her mouth "I think we're both pretty tired. We can always talk tomorrow morning."

He can see the surprise in her voice, but Erin nods so he takes her hand and leads her into the bedroom. She's just as nervous as he seems to be, so she lets him take control of the situation, not wanting to make him anymore on edge than he already seems to be.

Erin stands awkwardly in front of the bed, watching Jay head into the walk-in closet, returning a few minutes later in his sleeping pants and holding out the matching t-shirt for Erin to wear. She takes it from him and he heads into the bathroom while she changes and slips into the bed on what used to be 'her side'.

Jay comes back out and she sees him stop as he looks at her lying in the bed, frowning slightly before shaking his head and walking to the other side and sliding in next to her.

"Is something wrong?" she asks him.

He shakes his head, lying on his side so he's facing her "After you left, I used to sleep on your side. I guess I got so used to it over the years, it just threw me when I saw you lying there."

"I can move-"

"No." He says immediately "I like having you here. I never thought it'd happen again."

Erin smiles, a rush of warmth flooding her at his words. She brings her hand up to cup his cheek and his arm wraps around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

"Goodnight Jay."

"Night Er."

…

Fifteen. That's how many stains on the roof she had noticed so far. Most of them water spots from when the apartment above had a flood four years ago. A few are from the can of coke Jay had accidentally left on his bedside table, in direct sunlight for two days, which exploded everywhere one night while they were sleeping peacefully.

She remembers being so mad at him, and he simply smiled at her and gave a simple "oops?" as they both stared at each other, soaking wet in sticky sugary liquid in their bed. She still laughs at his cheesy joke about making it up to her in the shower.

She's too nervous to sleep. She can't figure out why they haven't talked yet. Why did Jay want to wait until the morning? If he was so worried the whole day, why didn't he care enough to talk to her about it?

"I can practically _hear_ your brain from here." She's startled by his voice, looks over to see his eyes still closed, and questions if she imagined it.

"What's wrong?" He asks again and she sees his lips move, reassuring her that she isn't hallucinating.

"I was just wondering, if maybe I should go home." Erin says quietly, moving back to focus on the ceiling.

His eyes open immediately and he turns his head to face her "Why would you do that?"

"Because this is just awkward!" She exclaims "We agreed to talk when we got home, and then you pushed it. You told me you were worried about me, and that you knew something was going on that you wanted to know about, but when the time came to have the tough conversation you ran from it!"

"Erin, I didn't want to push you." Jay says calmly, seeing her frustration "Of course I want to know what's going on with you. But I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me, I want you to be honest with me because _you want_ to be honest with me."

"… I thought we agreed to talk about everything this time around. We said no more hiding. When I said it, I didn't just mean hiding from our friends. I meant from each other too." She says sadly.

He sits up in bed, fixing his pillows up so that he's leaning against the headboard and turns on his bedside lamp "So then don't hide from me. Let's talk."

She looks over at the clock and sees it's 2:00am "Now?"

"Now." He repeats "I don't want you to think I'm running from this. If you want to tell me, tell me."

She's quiet for a few minutes, and now it's her whose considering whether or not to hide from him. She looks up at him and his face shows nothing but patience and understanding.

She sits up so she's eye level with him, her hands nervously wringing together "I was in a UC gig two years ago. We were deep in with a drug gang that was running from Mexico to New York and the distributing to further cities. I was … dating one of the higher-ups of their organisation; Paul Vincent."

"Did you…" His voice trails off, and Erin's eyes widen when she realises what he's asking her.

' _Did you relapse?'_

"No!" She immediately says and Jay sighs in relief "My cover wasn't blown, and he didn't care that I didn't do drugs. He thought I was in love with him, so he never pressured me to do anything because he thought I just wanted to spend time with him."

She takes a deep breath, and the dread fills Jay in an instant. He knows they're getting to the harder part of her story.

"The day that my unit raided their location in New York, Vincent ran. He took me with him, and I went because I thought I could figure out a way to get us caught, or at least find a way to contact my team after. He was nervous, kept looking over his shoulder to see if the cops were following him, and he just kept driving. He wouldn't slow down, the car just kept going _faster_."

He hears her voice breaking and he takes his hand in hers, offering her support. She sniffles loudly, trying to clear her throat before continuing "We ran a red light, and a truck T-boned us. Vincent was DOA, and I got pinned. The entire hood of the car was crushed in, my waist down had too much pressure on it. I couldn't feel my legs, hell I wasn't even sure they were there anymore. I was so out of it."

He wants to stop her. To tell her that she doesn't need to put herself through the trauma of reliving what was obviously a distressing time in her life. But he can see the conviction in her eyes; he knows she just wants to finish saying what she has to say so they can move on from the conversation.

"I blacked out after a few moments, and woke up three days later. My right leg was fractured in three places. My left leg was okay for the most part, but I had a small fracture in my ankle. I was in surgery for almost 10 hours. The pressure on my pelvic bone and my legs was so bad, and I had pieces of glass stuck in my abdomen from the windshield. It was rough."

"I'm so sorry Erin." Jay says pulling her to him. Her face is cradled in the crook of his shoulder and he's got his arms wrapped around her tightly.

She savours the moment for a few seconds before pulling away "Jay, I'm not just telling you about this because it was a hard time in my life. When I woke up, I was in so much pain, and something just felt … off."

He can feel his stomach tightening, the anxiousness of what she's going to say getting stronger and stronger.

"The doctors told me the damage to my pelvic bone was really survive. There was a lot of trauma to my uterus, I had scar tissue from previous accidents when I was younger … They told me that it would be highly unlikely, if not impossible, for me to ever conceive.

"Conceive?" He knows he sounds like an idiot right now, but he has to ask. Because if she doesn't say it, he won't believe it.

"There's a chance I may never be able to have a child Jay." She says softly "And that future that you dreamed of for us? The one with the kids running around our cabin in Wisconsin. I can't give you that."

He stares at her for a moment, processing what she's said. He's always imagined their life with kids. 2 boys and a girl, but he'd never told her that part. He'd wanted to have 2 boys he could teach baseball to, and who would protect their mother and sister; his girls. He wanted one perfect little girl who would have him wrapped around her finger from the day she was born because she reminded him so much of Erin. She would be stubborn and strong-headed, and would refuse to let anyone tell her she couldn't play ice hockey with her brothers just because she was a little girl. He wanted a daughter he could name after his mother, and raise to be a kind-hearted, strong, independent woman. Like the two most important women he had in his life.

But did it really mean everything to him? Did it matter to him as much as she thought it did? If he chose to live that life with another women, to experience the joys and pains of creating a life, of raising a child together, would it mean the same thing to him as it would if he was doing that with Erin?

' _No. All that matters is her. The two of us. We're a family.'_

"Erin-"

"I just wanted to tell you before this went any further, you deserved to know." Erin rambles nervously "If you don't want to be with me anymore, I won't hold it against you. It's a lot to give up for one person."

And he knows for certain in that moment, when the thought of losing her becomes evident once more. He shakes his head, his hands holding hers tightly "It doesn't matter to me Erin. The only family I will ever need is you.

Erin scoffs "Jay … You can't just tell me it doesn't matter. This is a lot to process, just take a couple days to think about it. I don't want you to regret yo-"

He cuts her off with a kiss, hoping his actions can reassure her more than his words seem to be doing at the moment. He leans in close to her, locking eyes.

"Erin, even on the nights we weren't together, a part of me always hoped we would find our way back to one another. I was hurting Erin, but I never gave up on our future together."

"I never gave up on us either Jay. But, before my accident, I had such a strong image of just what our life together would look like. And you still do. Do you truly realise what you're saying right now? What you're willing to give up for a life with me?"

Jay sighs "Look, am I sad or disappointed about the fact you can't have kids? Of course I am. but it's not for myself. I'm upset because _you_ may never get to be a mother, and I want that for you more than anything. I want a child whose as strong-willed as you are, and who has my cheekiness. I want a kid with your dimples and my freckles. I always saw myself having children with you, because I knew _you_ would do everything you could to make sure that our child never had to go through what you went through. And _I_ wanted to be the one to _give_ you that."

Erin face falls, and Jay knows that she thinks he's changing his mind "But if it doesn't happen for us, then it's not meant to be. and there are other ways we can make a family; I always thought we would adopt anyways."

"You did?" She asks, momentarily surprised.

Jay nods "I know he and I don't always see eye to eye, but I owe everything I have to Hank Voight. Because if it weren't for him taking you in, I would have never met you. And that would be a damn shame. So yeah, adopting always felt like something we would do; kind of a 'pay it forward'. We could be to a child what Hank was to you. And if we don't, then it'll just be the two of us cuddled up and growing old together in Wisconsin, and that's fine too. you're the family I choose Erin. I've never needed anyone, as much as I need you."

"It's a lot to give up Jay. How can you be so sure I'm worth it? I don't want you to wake up one morning and realise you made a mistake." Erin's voice breaks once more, the tears that were resting in her eyes threatening to fall.

"Because I know what it's like to lose you Erin. And I know just how empty my life is without you in it. How empty _I_ am without your love. I won't lose you, not again." His voice grows stronger with every word, and she can feel the conviction in his words "we can still have our life together Erin. We can still have the big house, and the wedding, and the dogs. And if you want, we can even have the kids, just not the way we originally thought we would. Last night I promised you I would give you the life you deserved, please let me." He pleads.

"I want to. I'm just scared." She says softly, and he can see it's taking everything in her not to fall apart.

"Erin, if I wanted biological kids that badly, then I could easily say, right here and right now, that I wanted out. I could go and find a woman who could be more certain that she can give me that. You gave me that option earlier; to tell you I didn't want to be with you anymore. But I'm not taking it. Because it wouldn't mean anything to me without you. The kids, growing old in Wisconsin, even the damn dogs! It wouldn't mean as much to me, because I wouldn't be living that with you."

He wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly to him, hoping that she'll stay with him "Please don't doubt me Erin. Just trust that no matter what, you're the only family I need to be happy. Just have faith in this. In _us_. Please."

He's speaking softer again, the vulnerability coming through in his voice. He's scared too, but for a different reason. He's scared she's going to leave again. He's scared she's going to push him away, like she has in the past. _'Trust him. Don't run.'_

She lifts her head up from his chest and places a quick peck to his lips, smiling up at him "Faith and trust. I can do that."

 **A/N: So that first author's note was written yesterday when the story was at around 330 reviews and I was posting the last chapter. Since posting chapter 24 the reviews have jumped to 387, and I am not lying right now when I say that I started to cry a little bit!**

 **When I started writing, I was doing it as a creative outlet. I'd wanted to be a writer my whole life but my family told me it was an unrealistic job goal and so instead I was pushed towards doing business and commerce studies instead. So I wrote FanFiction as a way to 'scratch the itch' that was my writing dream.**

 **But seeing all the reviews and the encouragement that I get not just from here but on my social media platforms as well? It means so much to me and I feel so grateful that so many of you read and review the story every chapter, and for the PM's and tweets you all send me saying how much you love the story. It really does mean so much to me. Thank you so much**

 **As always, please review and let me know what you thought of their conversation! Sneak Peek for next chapter: Baby Ruzek is finally arriving, and it pushes Linstead to further discuss their future and consider taking on a serious responsibility as a couple ...**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	26. Isn't She Lovely, Made From Love

**A/N: YA'LL. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate each and every one of you! 419 reviews is INSANE! I'm so overwhelmed with emotions you guys thank you so much for all the love.**

 **Enjoy!**

It was a week later when they got the call. Erin and Jay were sleeping in his apartment, limbs intertwined, Erin's head resting on Jay's chest; His heartbeat lulling her deeper into sleep. Erin head lifts up slightly when she hears Jay's phone buzzing on the bedside table, but chooses to ignore it. If it was work, they would've both been called.

She settles her head back on her boyfriend's chest, and feels his arm subconsciously tighten around her and she smiles, letting the beat beneath his chest pull her back into her dream state. She was almost asleep again when she heard Jay's phone buzz, the short sound indicating a text message, and then her phone began to ring.

Jay stirred beneath her, the sound of 'Real Lady Marmalade' disturbing his otherwise peaceful sleep. Erin is quick to move off of him, Jay feeling sad at the loss of contact with his girlfriend. Erin reaches for the phone but it's too late; the ringing has stopped and now she and Jay are both awake.

She sees him looking at her with a surprised face, and she narrows her eyes at him "What?"

"Real Lady Marmalade? Really?" Jay asks.

Erin shrugs "It's a good song. It's catchy." She says shyly

Jay shakes his head and laughs "It's astonishing how much I know you and yet how much I still learn about you, Erin Lindsay. Who knew you secretly had a sex song as your ringtone?"

"What? It's not a sex song!" Erin exclaims.

Jay grins "Babe, 'Voulez-vous coucher ave moi, ce soir' quite literally translates into 'Do you want to sleep with me tonight'?"

He sees the blush that creeps up her cheeks and he can't help but laugh harder this time "Stop it! I didn't know okay, I just thought the song was catchy!" She hits her hand against his chest and pouts at him.

He can see she's flustered and embarrassed, so he takes pity on her "Who's calling us at this time?" Jay asks.

Erin looks over at the clock and notices it's 3.17am "Whoever it is better have a damn good reason for disturbing me so fucking early."

Her phone rings again and this time Erin is quick to answer it "Hello … Adam? What's up … Oh my god … Okay, no we're on our way now … Yeah, we'll see you soon!"

Jay watches confused as Erin jumps out of bed, trying to discern from the one side of conversation he can hear, what exactly has gotten his girlfriend so flustered.

"Jay, why the hell are you still in bed!?" She exclaims as she emerges from the walk-in closet, now wearing her jeans and a green top.

"What's wrong?" he asks concerned.

"Kim's water broke a few hours ago, she's having the baby any minute now!" Erin yelled as she began making her way to the front door.

Jay quickly raced out of bed, grabbing a shirt from his closet and throwing it on, opting not to change out of his sweats. He had a feeling if he took too long Erin would most likely leave without him.

"Let's go." He said taking her hand in one of his and grabbing the car keys with the other, Erin shutting the door behind them as they raced down to the car to meet their friend's at the hospital.

* * *

They had been seated in the waiting room for an hour now. The detectives had arrived within ten minutes of getting the call from Adam, but Kim's labour had progressed quickly and they only had a few minutes with her before she was being wheeled into the delivery room.

Erin and Jay sat hand in hand waiting impatiently for Natalie to come out and update them on how Kim was doing, and if baby girl Ruzek had arrived into the world yet. Jay could see Erin's eyes were glazed over, obviously distracted by her own thoughts. He leaned back in his chair, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into his side.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Jay asked quietly.

Erin gave a small smile "I don't think they're worth that much."

"It's worth more than that to me, clearly whatever it is that's on your mind is bothering you."

Erin leans her head on his shoulder "I was just thinking about Kim and Adam's baby shower. Adam was so excited about being a Dad, he told me finding out about the baby was the second best day of his life, the first being the day he married Kim of course." Erin chuckled.

"He's going to be an amazing father." Jay agreed.

"So would you." Erin says softly.

Jay sighs "Erin, we've talked about this already."

"I know, I just … I can't shake this feeling." Erin says "It's not that I don't believe you Jay. I know you would be happy with it being just the two of us for the rest of our lives. But days like today just make me sad that I can't give you the future we both thought we would have."

"Erin, I get that. But I really am okay. I don't want to have to give you up just to have the future that I had planned _with_ you." Jay groans softly "We're going in circles with this conversation Erin. Look, we're not going to be having kids for a while, right?"

"Right." Erin agrees.

"So, how about for now, we just enjoy being back together, and worry about kids later? Please Erin, I just want to enjoy being with you again. _Please_.

She could see the pained look in his eyes, and she knew he was tired of having this same conversation. She knew he meant it when he told her that he was okay with possibly not having kids, but part of her couldn't comprehend how easily he had come to terms with such a life-changing piece of information. She had been a wreck when she first found out.

But Jay had always been incredibly understanding. It was one of the things she loved most about him; his capacity to forgive, the way seemed to be able to hold everyone's hearts within his own, the way he gave everyone strength and support when they needed it most. He wouldn't lie to her about this, she knew that. He wanted a future together, and so did she. And if she kept questioning his decisions, she would tear them apart.

' _Trust him'._

Jay's face changed, growing more nervous as she sat there quietly, but she looked up at him and smiled and he felt reassured. He kissed the top of her head, and she settled back into his side and her head fell back against his shoulder, letting her eyes close as she lay in content in her partner's arms.

Jay stared at the babies as they all lay in their bassinets. He watched as some of them cried, seeking the comfort of their parents. Some slept peacefully, content with being in the world at last. Some kicked their legs and arms everywhere, agitated or excited. Jay wasn't really sure.

He felt his heart ache a little as he watched the nurses bring in a young woman in a wheelchair, watching as the nurse wheeled her next to the pink bundle in a bassinet in the third row. The woman's eyes filled with tears as she slowly brought her hand out to touch the little girl, her baby's hand coming to weakly wrap around her index finger. The young woman smiled brightly and Jay felt his heart hurts a little more.

"I've been looking for you." Jay's head turned to see his brother standing next to him "What are you doing here?"

Jay smiled sadly "Just thinking about the future."

"She told you, didn't she?" Will asked softly.

Jay nodded, and Will's hand came up to grasp his brother's shoulder "I'm sorry Jay. I know you had wanted kids."

"I had always wanted kids with Erin. I wanted to have her tell me she was pregnant, announcing it in some corny way because she knew how big a deal it was and wanted to do something special. I wanted to watch her body change and grow as it made room for our child. I wanted to sit with her in a hospital room as the doctor told us whether we were having a boy or a girl, and Erin would've been right because she always has an intuition about these things. She even guessed the gender Kim's baby correctly." Jay laughed softly, his voice choking up a little as he kept thinking about their future.

"Have you told her?"

"No. It doesn't matter Will. I want her, more than I want any of that stuff. I only wanted it with her, and if we can't have it, then I don't want it with anyone else." Jay told his brother.

"So then why are you standing in the maternity ward staring at the babies?" Will asked.

Jay shrugs "… I'm allowed to be sad right? I know Erin can't have kids. But, is it wrong that I'm sad about it? That we'll never get the future we wanted? I know I don't need kids to be happy with her but … It's just odd, realising that it's a dream we may have to give up."

"It's not wrong for you to be sad Jay. Just because the accident happened to Erin, doesn't make your feelings any less important. Of course you're allowed to be sad about not having kids with her, it's completely understandable that you would be."

Will can see the tears that sit in Jay's eyes, and his heart breaks a little for his brother. Jay was never the person to cry, it took a lot for him to really break down and let his emotions get the better of him, and he could see that his brother was struggling with his feelings towards Erin's news.

Will pulled Jay into a hug, his arms wrapping around his brother's shoulders "I know you love her Jay, and I know you'll be okay with whatever future you two have together. But you need to tell her how you're feeling. You can't keep burying your feelings just because you don't want to hurt Erin with them. It's not good for either of you; she needs to know what you're feeling."

Jay nods into his brother's shoulder, not able to speak the thanks he wants to give his brother. But he hugs Will a little tighter, hoping his actions will the communicate the words he cannot say.

' _Thank you for always being there for me.'_

* * *

"Knock knock." Erin says poking her head through the door of Kim's hospital room "You up for some visitors?"

Kim smiled tiredly, nodding her head. Erin practically bounces into the room, Jay chuckling at her excited behaviour. He sees Adam lying next to Kim in the hospital bed, his friend's hand wrapped up in a bandage. He frowns at his Adam, who simply shakes his head and gives a roll of his eyes. He laughs to himself, knowing there's an entertaining story coming when Adam gets the chance to tell him. His eyes wander over to Kim, who looks completely exhausted, but radiant at the same time. _'New mum glow.'_

His eyes narrow in confusion as he spies the blue blanket that lays over the tiny human that lays in his friend's arms.

Erin stops abruptly, and Jay knows she's made the same realisation as he has "What the hell?"

Kim and Adam both laugh at Erin's reaction, and Kim turns to face her friends "Erin, Jay, we'd like you to meet the newest addition to the Ruzek family. Our _surprise_ baby boy."

"I don't- What- How?" Jay questioned flustered.

"Turns out little man was hiding the whole time. I guess he wanted to surprise us all on arrival." Adam joked.

"I can't believe it." Erin says in shock "That's amazing. Congratulations guys!"

Kim smiles widely "Thanks Erin. I can't believe it, of all the things I anticipated happening, this was not one. But I wouldn't change it for the world."

"He's perfect you guys." Jay says, bringing his finger down to gently brush the baby's cheek.

Erin's heart melts as the baby's head gently nuzzles against Jay's finger, and it takes everything within her not to tear up at the sweet moment.

"So Kim, you've kept us in suspense for four months. What's his name!?" Erin asks excitedly.

Kim and Adam share a look, both smiling at one another "Well, originally we were going to name her Caroline Jane, after my mother. But obviously, we had to change things up a little bit." Kim says.

"So, without further ado, meet Christian Jay Ruzek."

Erin smiled as she looked at Jay's shocked expression. Jay looked down at the baby in his friend's arm and smiled "Really?" he asks quietly.

Kim nods "Of course. If it wasn't for you, I never would've taken a second chance with Adam. And we wouldn't have ended up here."

"We were going to make you godfather, but it just didn't seem special enough." Adam explained.

"Don't let Atwater hear you say that." Jay joked.

Ruzek rolled his eyes "Seriously Jay, we owe you pretty much everything. If it wasn't for you, little Christian here may never have been born."

"Do you want to hold him?" Kim asks and Jay nods, holding his arms out so Kim can carefully place the baby in his hold.

"He's so tiny." Jay says in awe "I can't believe it."

"I know right? I'm so scared he's going to break in my hands." Adam says.

"He's perfect you guys." Erin whispers, leaning over Jay to look at the baby "I can't believe you guys created another life. It's amazing." Jay smiles and passes the baby over to Erin so she can have a turn at holding him.

"I know. I still can't get over it. It's crazy how much I love him already." Kim says quietly "Just wait until you two have your own. You'll understand the feeling."

Jay sees Erin freeze for a moment, her body stopping the little bop she was doing as she moved the baby around the room. Erin's eyes met Jay's, and she saw the sad look in his eyes. The same one she was sure she knew was reflected in her own.

She feels the familiar ache in her heart, the same one she had the day she told Jay she may never be able to have kids. She looked down in the baby in her arms, and back at her partner whose eyes were locked on the little boy as well. She knew in that moment, there was no way she and Jay could have a future together that didn't feel a little less empty without the presence of the pitter-patter of little feet running around their cabin in Wisconsin.

They needed to talk.

 **A/N: Okay the ending was a bit weird but I hope you guys liked this chapter! I felt like changing things up a little bit for the arrival of Baby BOY Ruzek, hope you guys enjoyed the plot twist haha**

 **The idea was inspired by my friend, whose sister actually just went through this! They all found it quite an amusing situation and I thought it'd be nice to bring a little levity into the story and some surprise, and I had always planned on having Jay be a part of the name - hence the original middle name of Jane!**

 **I really wanted to try and show both sides of the whole kids conversation in terms of what Jay and Erin are feeling with this chapter, and I hope that Jay's conversation with Will was effective in communicating what Jay was feeling. We'll see a little more of wha Erin went through after finding out in the next chapter too.**

 **As always, please leave a review and let me know what you guys thought!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	27. You are my Heaven

**A/N: Sorry for the wait guys, it's both my parents birthdays today so the past week I've been busy planning two parties since they're divorced and can't have a shared party :P**

 **Thank you so much for all your reviews, I can't believe we're already at 450!? Who knows, maybe we can get to 500 before we're done … ? Anyways I hope you guys like what I've done this chapter, I've tried to finish off the discussion of Linstead babies for the most time, but it will come back later on don't worry ;)**

 **Enjoy!**

It had been ten days. Ten days of happiness and love for Jay and Erin. Two weeks of enjoying their relationship, and the 'honeymoon' period.

But it had also been two weeks of anxiety for Erin. Two weeks of waiting to bring up the discussion of children with Jay once again.

And for two weeks, she had been playing chicken.

She hadn't spoken to him about his concerns. She wanted to try and do this for Jay, to _'enjoy being back together. And worry about kids later'._ But she couldn't. The worry about talking to Jay was eating her up inside.

"Hey." Jay said as they pulled up at the district "You awake in there?"

Erin smiled at his question "I'm good."

Jay accepted her answer, stepping out of the car and waiting for her to join him. They walked into the district, hand-in-hand, and Erin felt some of the tension release from her body. Jay loved her. She knew that, it was the one thing she had never doubted.

"Good morning Erin! Jay." Erin chuckled at the way Trudy's voice dropped as she spoke to Jay and she heard him groan at her greeting.

"Every fucking morning." He mumbled so only they could hear.

Erin smiled and looked up as Amelia opened the gate to enter the office "Hi Erin, Jay." Amelia greeted.

"Hi Amelia." Erin replied, but Jay said nothing. Erin frowned as she noticed Jay glaring at Amelia, but before she had a chance to question him, they were being greeted by Antonio at the top of the stairs and her questions were forgotten.

* * *

Erin walked into the breakroom to get herself some coffee and her eyes met Amelia, who was sitting in the room doing her paperwork.

"The worst part of the job, right?" Erin jokes as she pours the coffee into her cup.

She hears Amelia chuckle softly before answering her "Yeah, but I don't mind it too much. The sooner I do it, the sooner I can go back to my unit."

"Missing your work family?" Erin asks turning around to face her.

Amelia shrugs "I think I'd be more welcome there is all. I think it's safe to say Jay doesn't want me here after everything I've done. And I can't say I blame him." She says softly.

Erin frowns "What are you talking about?"

"Oh shit." Amelia mutters, her eyes widening in realisation "I thought you knew. You hadn't been talking to me these past few days, I just thought it was because ..."

"Because of what?" Erin presses.

"Because I kissed Jay again." Amelia says softly.

"You what!?" Erin exclaims, and Amelia jumps at her tone "When the fuck was this?"

"I thought you knew, I'm so sorry! It was a misguided attempt at getting Jay back, and I didn't realise you were the one he wanted to be with. I got so caught up in what I wanted, I didn't think about what he needed." Amelia rambles on, but Erin isn't listening anymore.

"I can't believe this right now." Erin mutters racing out of the breakroom.

Jay's head snaps up as her heavy footsteps grow closer, he sees her nod her head at him, and he follows after her as she storms into an interrogation room.

"Are you okay?" He immediately asks when she shuts the door.

Erin turns to face him, her hard eyes staring him down "I thought we were going to be honest with each other. Why didn't you tell me Amelia kissed you again?"

He can hear the pain in her voice, and he feels his heart break "I didn't mean to keep it from you Erin. Honestly. I just got so caught up in the moment. It was the night I came to see you; I had come home first to ask her what she had said to you, and she kissed me. She said she wanted to be with me, and that she still had feelings for me, but all I wanted was you."

Jay takes a step closer to her, his hands coming up to hold the side of her arms "I knew in that moment, that you were the only person I wanted to be kissing. I didn't want to keep lying to you. Or to myself. All I wanted in that moment, was to get to you."

"Why didn't you tell me after?" Erin asks.

Jay shrugs "I really didn't think about it. I told you I wanted to enjoy our time together, and I meant that. When we got back to work and I saw Amelia … I knew I had to tell you, but we had agreed to just enjoy being together and not worry about everything else. It sounds selfish, but I just wanted to stay in our bubble for a little longer."

"I get it." She says quietly "I just wish you would've told me. I don't appreciate being blind-sided by your ex."

"She's not my ex, Erin." Jay bites back, feeling frustrated by her words "We were partners, yes, but it's nothing like what we had. I don't feel that way about her Erin. You have to believe me, the only person I want is _you_."

"I know." Erin nods her head "It just hurt me. It felt like she knew things I didn't, and I guess it made me feel a bit insecure."

"Please don't be Erin, there's no need to feel insecure when it comes to Amelia. She's not someone I want in my life, I made that very clear to her after that night." Jay urges "We're history Erin. You're my future. Okay?"

Jay wraps his arms around her fully, pulling her into his chest and Erin's hands rest on his hips and he hears her mumble into his chest.

"Okay."

…

"Hi, can we talk?" Amelia says as she stands next to Erin in the locker room.

Erin sighs "I'm really not in the mood Amelia."

"Please Erin."

"Fine. Two minutes." Erin says.

"When I first got back I thought Jay was single, and that was technically true. But his heart was always with you, and I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I thought I could convince him to want me, like it was something that was even really his choice." Amelia laughed bitterly "The kiss was a mistake Erin, and I'm sorry if I caused any trouble for you guys, I honestly thought you knew. I think I was so in love with the _idea_ of Jay Halstead, that I didn't really think about who I was hurting in all this. I'm sorry."

"I appreciate that Amelia." Erin says shortly. She may have understood why the woman did what she did, but it didn't mean she had to forgive her.

Amelia smiled softly "Anyways, today's my last day. All my paperwork's finished, and Sergeant Voight said if he needs anything else from me then he'll call, but there's no reason I can't go back to my unit. So, I guess this is goodbye."

Erin felt a little relief in knowing that she wouldn't have to see Amelia every day at work anymore, and she mustered a small smile at the other detective "Goodbye Amelia."

Jay walked in just as Amelia was leaving, and she gave him a smile before walking out the door. Jay walked over to Erin and held her hand in his

"Everything okay?" He asked concerned.

Erin nods "Yeah, I'm good."

Jay nods and begins to walk out of the room "Let's go home then."

"Actually, I'm going to stay at Hank's tonight." Erin says slipping her hand out of Jay's.

He looks down at his hand for a moment, suddenly feeling cold without hers in it. Jay looks up at her confused.

"Is this about Amelia? I thought we talked about this."

Erin nods "I know. I just … I need some space."

It feels like someone's just punched him in the stomach; it's as if all the air has suddenly left his body, and he's struggling to breathe. Jay doesn't understand what happened, why she doesn't want to come home with him. But he can see the pain in her eyes, and he knows no isn't the time to push.

"I'll drop you off." He says, his voice void of emotion.

Erin shakes her head "I can just go with Hank-"

"Let me drop you home Erin." The tone of his voice leaves no room for argument, and Erin finds herself following quietly behind him.

The 26-minute drive to Hank's house is filled with awkward silence and obvious tension. Neither Jay nor Erin have said a word, both afraid of what will happen if they do. When Jay pulls up outside of Hank's, he parks and turns in his seat to face Erin.

"Are we okay?" He asks, the vulnerability evident in his voice.

Erin gives him a small smile "Yeah. I just need some time to think, Please Jay."

He nods but doesn't speak, and Erin knows he's struggling to believe her. She undoes her belt and leans over to give him a gentle kiss, hoping it will give him some comfort.

"I'll see you in the morning." She says as she turns to get out of the car.

"Goodnight Er." Jay says as she shuts the door.

Erin simply gives him a smile before he drives off to his apartment.

* * *

Erin groans as she turns in her bed once more, eyeing the clock on her nightstand. _2:07 am_.

She couldn't sleep without him. It had only been three weeks since they had gotten back together, but her body was already used to the comfort of Jay Halstead's. She had become dependent on him without even realising. Her body needed him, and so did her heart.

 _'You should've just gone home with him.'_

Erin shuts her eyes and pulls her pillow out from under her head so that it's not covering her face. She lays like that for what feels like hours, but when she sneaks a glance at her clock and realises it's only been _three minutes_ she gives up, flinging her blanket off her and heading downstairs and into the kitchen.

She doesn't bother turning on the light, her mind and body both remember the layout of the kitchen perfectly without needing the visual. Erin shakes the kettle a little and hears the swish of the water inside before turning it on. She turns so that she's leaning against the counter, her hands rubbing along her tired face.

' _I miss him.'_

"You should go see him." Erin lets out a yelp at Hank's rough voice.

The light flicks on and she sees Hank standing there, a cup of coffee sitting on the bench indicating he's been here the entire time.

"What the hell Hank!? Why didn't you tell me you were in here?"

"And miss the chance to scare the living daylights out of you? I haven't had that pleasure since you were 14 years old sneaking in after you went to see that dropkick you dated."

"Tom was a nice kid." Erin says with a roll of her eyes.

"He was a horny little shit." Hank grumbled.

"If you say so." Erin turns to pour the hot water into her tea cup.

Hank watches his pseudo-daughter, the concern that he's felt since their lunch only growing more.

"Talk to me kid."

Erin stands facing away from him, tears filling her eyes at his words. She doesn't know if she can explain it all to him without falling apart. She's barely holding it together these days.

"I can't have kids." She says quietly.

Hank's behind her in an instant, turning her so she's facing him and he pulls her into his arms. She's sniffling against his chest, trying her hardest not to break down.

"Tell me everything."

And so she does. They sit at the breakfast bar and she tells him about her accident. The day she woke up, and the doctors told her. She explains her conversation with Jay, the night they met baby Christian, and the ache she felt in her heart knowing she may never be able to give him that.

"I just feel worried all the time, that he's going to wake up one day and realise that I kept him from something he's always wanted. I'm scared he'll resent me." Erin says.

"Have you talked to him about this?" Hank asks.

Erin shakes her head "I can't. I try, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. I'm scared Hank."

Hank hold her hands in his "I know you are, but you have to talk to him. The two of you have done this back and forth shit before, and it doesn't work out well. He deserves to know what you're feeling, and you need to tell him for your own sake. You can't keep living like this Erin."

" … I miss him." She says suddenly.

Hank laughs at her statement "I know. I could hear you tossing and turning since you went to bed. I don't understand why you didn't just go home with Halstead."

"I just wanted some time to clear my head. After everything that happened today with Amelia … I was so mad at him for not being honest with me, but I've been doing the same thing to him."

"You and I both know this is not where you want to be Erin. So fix it. And the only way to do that is to talk to him." Hank tells her.

Erin nods, leaning over to give him a hug "Thank you Hank."

"Anytime kid."

…

Blue. It's the colour that Jay has decided he's going to paint the bedroom ceiling that he's currently staring at.

He can't sleep. He misses her. Her words keep playing over in his mind as he turns to stare at the empty spot next to him in his bed.

" _I need some space."_

He still doesn't understand why. Why is she running? Why won't she talk to him?

He hears his phone buzzing under his pillow and he pulls it out, his heart bursting with joy when he sees her name.

"Hi."

" _Hi. I'm sorry, did I wake you?"_ She asks him.

Jay shakes his head "I can't sleep."

" _Me either."_ He can hear the smile in her voice.

"What's going on?" He asks.

" _I'm sorry for leaving today. I should've talked to you about what I was feeling."_

"It's okay. Do you want to talk now?" He asks sitting up in the bed.

" _No, we both need to rest. Can we talk tomorrow at home?"_

He smiles at her words. _Home._ "Yes, I would really like that."

" _Okay."_ She sighs out _"I'll see you tomorrow … Goodnight Jay."_

"Goodnight Erin." He says before they hang up.

Jay lies back down in bed, facing the side of the bed where Erin would normally sleep, and he feels the relief washing over him as sleep takes over him.

' _She's coming home.'_

* * *

They hadn't gotten the chance to speak at work; Erin had been partnered up with Antonio and Jay with Ruzek. The team had spent the day looking into a rape in the park, but so far none of their CI's had any information, and the crime scene had very little clues or evidence to help them. Hank had sent them home at 6:00, and Jay had been pacing his apartment for the last half an hour since he arrived home.

It was nearing 7:15, and Erin was supposed to be there at 7:00. She had insisted on meeting him there, having driven her car to work, and reasoning that she wanted to shower and change before they spoke.

' _Maybe she changed her mind.'_ He questions when his phone once again shows no new calls or text messages.

He considers calling, but doesn't want to distract her if she's driving. He's dialling Hank's number when the knock on the door startles him, and he's there in an instant, opening the door and letting out a breath of relief as he takes her in.

"I was worried you weren't coming." Jay says.

Erin smiles apologetically "I got stuck in traffic, they closed off a lane on the main road due to a truck breakdown."

Jay nods and steps to the side so Erin can walk in. They're both quiet; that same awkward silence that consumed their car ride yesterday. Erin moves to sit down at the dining table in their kitchen area, and Jay grabs them both a beer before sitting down across from her.

"So, do you want to talk about Amelia?" He asks taking a sip of his drink.

"Actually I want to talk about having kids with you."

He startles at her answer, and he coughs loudly as the beer goes down the wrong way. Erin's up and behind him within a few seconds, patting his back as he tries to reign in his breathing again.

"Sorry, not what I was expecting you to say." He says as his coughing subsides "I thought we were going to wait to talk about it until we were at a closer stage in our lives for kids."

"I know we did, but I can't. I know you're okay with not talking about it but I'm not. It's eating me up inside waiting for us to talk about it, I feel anxious every seconds of every day waiting for that moment. I can't keep living like this Jay. I want you to talk to me about this, I want you to tell me how you're feeling about this."

"I've already told you." Jay says simply.

Erin feels her frustration growing, but she pushes him anyways "No you didn't Jay, I want to know what you're feeling _now_. After you've had time to think about it all, after you help Christian in your arms and realised you and I may never get to feel that moment for ourselv-"

"I told you I'm fine Erin." He interrupts.

"But that's just it, you can't be! I saw the way you looked at Christian, I saw the happiness that filled your entire being when you held him in your arms. You can't tell me that you're fine Jay, Because I sure as hell wasn't when I found out! And honestly, I'm still not okay now!"

She hadn't realised she was yelling at him, or that she'd gotten so close to him. But she had. She was now standing up and was leaning over the table, her hands slamming down on the table as she kept yelling at him as if to emphasise parts of what she was saying to him. Her breathing is ragged, and she can feel the moisture in her eyes.

Jay's eyes are wide, surprised by her reaction "Erin…"

"I was a mess when they told me Jay. And I was mad at myself for feeling so sad; I only ever wanted kids with you, and I left you, so why the hell was I feeling so sorry for myself?" She says bitterly "It took Olivia a while to get me to realise that what I was feeling was okay, and that there was still time and hope for me to have kids."

She pauses for a few seconds, remembering Olivia's words to her…

" _Look at me and Noah. It may have taken me 20 years later that I would have liked, but I got to be a mother. It can happen for you Erin, I know it will. You are too good of a person to not be a mum. You have so much love in you, too much for just one person to experience. I'll do whatever it takes to help you Erin, but you have to_ _ **want**_ _it. Please Erin, let me help you."_

"It took a long time for me to get help Jay; to realise that I couldn't keep hiding everything I was feeling and just trying to deal with it myself. So I'm not going to hide anymore, and I'm not going to let you hide from me either."

They're quiet for a few minutes, Erin sitting back down and calming herself. She worries that she may have been a bit too forward, but hopefully it got her point across.

Jay reaches his hands out and she places hers against his palm, letting him hold onto her.

"You're right, okay? The thought of us never having kids of our own, it saddens me. I know we're not ruling it out completely, but when I saw all those babies in the maternity ward, and when I held Christian in my arms … I wanted that so badly for us."

"I know babe, I want it too."

"I meant what I said though Erin, I want you more than I want kids. And yes, I would probably always wonder what our kids would have looked like, and whether they'd have your sass or my stubbornness, if they'd have your eyes and my freckles … But that doesn't mean that I want anyone else. I want it all with you, or I don't want it at all."

Erin nods "I'm scared one day you're going to wake up and resent me for keeping you from everything your life could have been. I don't know that I ever want to carry my own baby Jay."

Jay stares at her for a moment, the shock written all over his face "What do you mean?"

"I'm scared Jay. The chances of me having a miscarriage, or some kind of complication during pregnancy are so much higher. I don't think I could cope if anything happened to our baby, and what if something happens to me? I don't want to leave you alone, or having to choose between saving me or the-"

"Stop." Jay whispers, the pain evident in his voice "Erin, you can't keep think like that."

"It's the truth though Jay. There's a lot more risks, I'm scared, and I don't know if I can do this."

"Then we don't have to." Jay urges, moving to sit beside her "I didn't know you were feeling like this Erin, I would never make you do something you were uncomfortable with doing."

"But you want kids Jay, and I don't know that I can give you them." Erin cried.

His hands run up and down her arms trying to soothe her "Babe, we can still adopt. We agreed on that right?"

"Right." She mumbles.

Jay smiles "Then that's good enough for me. I know why you're scared, and I get it. I would never push you into having a kid if you didn't want to Erin, especially now."

Erin smiles up at Jay when he wipes his thumb against her cheek to collect the tear that had fallen "Thank you."

"Of course Er, as long as you and I get to live our life together, the rest we can figure out as we go."

Erin nods in agreement, leaning up to kiss her partner. Jay smiles against her lips and wraps his arms around her as their kiss ends.

"So, what should we do now?" Jay asks.

"Honestly, I just want to get into bed and forget about the past 24 hours. I couldn't sleep at all last night; I didn't realise how quickly I'd gotten used to sharing a bed with you." She smirked.

Jay gave her a cheeky smile "Missed me and my sexy body that much did you."

Erin rolls her eyes and stands up slowly "You know, on second thought, I think I'd rather just stay at Han-"

"Oh no you don't!" Jay says grabbing her quickly and hoisting her over his shoulder.

"Hey!' Erin giggles surprised "Put me down!"

"Not a chance babe." He says swatting her ass.

"Jay Halstead!" She gasps but Jay just laughs as he carries her down the hallway.

* * *

It's almost 10:00 o'clock at night when Jay slips out of bed. He and Erin had fallen asleep within a few minutes of laying down, their bodies instantly tangling up in one another. He had woken up ten minutes ago and watched Erin sleep peacefully, when an idea struck him.

" _You better have a damn good reason for calling me at this hour Halstead."_ Hank's rough voice came through the phone.

Jay chuckles at his boss "I'm pretty sure I've called you at more inconvenient times than 10:00 o'clock over the past three years Hank."

" _Erin's insomnia kept me up most of the night, that girl shook the whole damn floor every time she turned in the bed."_ Hank grumbled _"I'm looking forward to an early night's sleep, so let's make this quick. What did you need Jay?"_

"I, uh, was hoping I could get time off next Friday for Erin and I." Jay says nervously.

" _What for?"_ Hank asks.

"I want to take Erin on a date." Jay says proudly "We didn't do the whole dating thing the first time around, we jumped straight into a relationship. I want to do this right; I know she's feeling worried about our future."

" _Jay, it's fine. Just let me know what time you want to leave and I'll sort it out."_ Hank says.

"Thanks Hank." Jay says before hanging up.

Jay smiles and puts the phone down. His plan is in motion, and he's growing more excited as each piece of the puzzle falls into place.

" _I mean, is he your secret dad or something? Put it this way if I were to ask you out, would I have to get his permission first?"_

" _Any guy who needs to ask my dad's permission to date me should save himself the trouble."_

Jay was going to do this right. He asked her father for permission; the father that she truly deserved. He was going to take her on their first date. He was going to treat her the way she always deserved. They were going to take their relationship slowly.

They were going to do this right.

 **A/N: Okay so I don't know how I feel about this chapter but I'm excited to show you guys the date that I've got planned for Linstead! I really hope you guys liked this chapter, please leave a review and let me know what you think.**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	28. I Die Every Night With You

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your reviews, this past week has been stressful and yesterday had not been the best; my entire bag was stolen so I've lost all forms of ID, my phone, house and car keys, and my writing book which had all my plans for this story.**

 **So safe to say I was not the most motivated this past week, but logging on to my email and seeing all your lovely messages really made my day 100 times better. Every review mean so much to me and inspires me to write, I'm eternally grateful to you guys for each and every one of them :)**

 **Enjoy!**

It was officially Friday. Jay woke up earlier than Erin, sneaking out of their bed to get everything he needed for their date tonight. There wasn't much stuff he needed to pack, but he knew if Erin saw him doing it she'd be suspicious. He wanted to keep this whole date night a surprise. Hank had agreed to let him leave at 4:00 so he could get everything ready, letting Erin leave with the rest of the team at 5:00 because the unit wouldn't be taking on any cases today; Head Office had demanded they caught up on their paperwork yet again.

He had everything packed into the back of the Sierra and was back in the apartment within 20 minutes. He knew he would need to wake Erin up in the next ten minutes if they were going to make it to the district on time, so he set about making her a cup of coffee.

' _My girl is not a morning person.'_ He chuckled as he put the ground coffee beans into the machine and started it.

He prepared her coffee the way she liked it – ¾ coffee, ¼ milk, two sugars – and headed into the room. Jay smiled as he saw his girlfriend splayed out on the bed, the blanket wrapped around her with one leg sticking out. She always got hot when she slept and ended up leaving her leg out from under the blanket, usually laying it across Jay's when she cuddled him.

Jay leaned down and kissed her forehead, Erin stirring slightly underneath his lips. He chuckled and brought his hand down to her shoulder and shook gently "Er, come on, we gotta go to work."

"Five more minutes." She whined, snuggling towards Jay.

Jay laughed and placed the coffee cup under her nose "Babe, come on. I brought you coffee."

One eye popped open, looking beneath her nose and feeling the steam hit her face. She let out a little moan and sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes with one hand as she took the coffee cup into her other. She leaned over and kissed Jay's cheek.

"Thank you." She whispered.

Jay smiled, reaching over to flatten Erin's bedhead "You're a mess babe."

"I'm your mess." Erin says with a smirk.

Jay rolled his eyes "You're so cheesy."

Erin shrugs and pokes her tongue out at him before taking a sip of her coffee. Jay stands up and begins getting ready for the day, letting Erin wake up completely.

"You know; we can afford to be a little late?" Erin yells out as Jay heads out of the bathroom.

"True, but then I can't leave early today now can I?" Jay says smirking at her.

Erin looks up from her cup "Why are you leaving early?"

"To get our date set up." He says walking into their wardrobe.

He can hear her footsteps and suddenly she's behind him, eyes wide and bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet "What are you talking about?"

Jay smiles and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her to him "You'll just have to wait and see." He says kissing the top of her head.

* * *

Erin was staring at him. He could feel her eyes on him as he kept his head down and did her paperwork. He knew she was getting annoyed that he wouldn't tell her where they were going for their date, but he wanted it to be a surprise. So much of their life together had been one surprise after another, but they were never the good kind; Jay had surprised Erin with the news of his previous marriage, Erin had surprised him when she left town. He wanted a chance to give her a good surprise for once. They both needed it.

"You should take a picture, it'll last longer." Jay snickers when Antonio yells over to his girlfriend, but he doesn't look up.

Erin's stare intensifies when she hears her boyfriend's laugh, and she gets more frustrated. She doesn't like surprises. She _hates_ not knowing what's going on, especially when it concerns her. Erin had pestered Jay all morning, continually asking him what they would be doing on their date tonight, but he had given her the same answer every single time.

" _You'll just have to wait and see babe."_

She looked from her partner to the clock on her desk and groaned quietly, frustrated when she saw it was 4:56. They still had another hour before they would be leaving. Jay was almost finished with his stack of paperwork, and Erin looked at hers in disdain; she had barely done any work since entering the office in the morning, too distracted by the possibilities of her date with Jay tonight.

Jay stood up suddenly, startling Erin when he walked into Hank's office for a few seconds before coming back out into the main office, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair and heading to the locker room.

"Where are you going?" Adam asks.

Jay grins at the boys "Cutting out early. Have fun."

Erin watches Jay head down the stairs, waiting a few seconds before she decides to follow after him. She catches him just as he's about the leave the room and pushes him back in.

"Alright, you have to tell me what's going on. I can't handle this anymore!" She demands.

Jay laughs "Babe, it's only one more hour. Come on."

"You know I hate surprises Jay." Erin narrows her eyes.

Jay can see the fight in her eyes and he gives her a sympathetic smile "Erin … I know you do. But most of the time, those surprises are out of our control. I just want to do something nice for you. For us. Please, can you just trust me on this?"

Her shoulders drop and her arms loosen from their defensive stance folded across her chest. She lets out a breath, stepping forward and placing her hands on his upper arms.

"I'm sorry. I know you are; I just feel anxious about it. I guess my past experiences with this kind of stuff is just making me a bit on edge."

Jay nods his head "I get it. But I promise you, you're going to like what I have planned. It's nothing too over the top, I swear."

Erin smiles and leans up to give him a quick kiss "Okay. I'll see you in an hour then? Although we'll have to stop at home, I'm not appropriately dressed for a date night."

Jay smirks "Don't worry about that. I've got it covered."

She cocks an eyebrow at him, opening her mouth to ask what he means, but stops herself "Okay. I trust you."

"Great. I'll see you later babe!" He says excitedly racing out of the locker room, Erin watching him take off completely amused by his childish enthusiasm.

' _Damn I love him."_

* * *

Erin was out of her chair the second it struck 5:00 pm. She had barely heard Hank dismissing them all for the weekend before she was downstairs opening her locker to get her things and head home. She stopped when she saw the black bag hanging next to her leather jacket, and pulled off the piece of paper attached to it.

 **I wasn't sure what your favourite dress was (you so rarely wear one. Such a shame with those legs if you ask me…) so I picked one out that reminds me of my favourite dress on you. I can't wait to see how beautiful you look in it.**

 **Jay x**

Erin eyed the bag as she slowly began pulling down the zipper in the middle, laughing when she saw the brand new dress he had bought her.

A red, deep v-neck dress that was knee-length at the front but had a longer back which stopped mid-calf. It was similar to the one she had worn when Antonio was working private security and his boss was killed under his watch; When Erin and Jay had gone undercover in the sex club the victim and his wife had been a part of. She remembers what he told her when they got back from the sex club.

" _Five hours and all we got was a couple names." Erin groans walking into the locker room._

 _Jay trails in behind her "It was worth it to see you in that dress."_

" _Careful Halstead, Voight's upstairs." Erin teases._

 _Jay sticks his hands up in defense "I'm just saying, you look good in a dress. It's not very often you're seen out of your standard jeans and red tee combo."_

 _Erin turns and faces her locker, hiding the smiles that she feels along with the blush filling her cheeks._

…

Erin stands in front of the bathroom mirror at work as she smooths the dress down her hips, turning to her side to look at the way the dress fit her form; her man sure knew how to pick a dress. Erin walked closer and looked at her makeup, making sure it didn't look too full-on. Jay had left her makeup bag in the locker along with the dress, he knew she wasn't big on makeup but she appreciated that he wanted to give her the option.

"Damn, my girl looks _hot_." She startles, turning to see Jay leaning against the wall to her right.

She smiles when she sees him in his black suit and white button shirt, a bouquet of daisies in his hand "I could say the same for you. Are those for me?" She asks pointing to the flowers.

"Of course." Jay says handing them to her "We're going out for dinner, but I still wanted to bring you some. Hank said he'll take them to his place for you."

Erin nods, leaning in to kiss him "You're the sweetest, thank you."

Jay smiles "Everything for you. Now come on, we gotta get going. I have _many_ things planned."

"Oh really?" Erin says suspiciously.

"Yep! Let's go." Jay says taking Erin's hand and practically pulling her out the door, Erin laughing as she tries to keep up in her 3-inch, dark-red heels.

* * *

"Are you going to blindfold me for every single thing we do tonight?"

She hears Jay chuckle as his hands hold onto her waist, squeezing tightly as he pushes her forward slowly. She can feel the rocky ground beneath her and the wind against her face, letting her know that they're outdoors.

"Jay, can I _please_ take this damn thing off?" Erin groans.

They stops suddenly, Erin feels the ground get a little bit softer beneath her shoes.

"Okay, here you go." Jay says pulling off her blindfold.

"Jay …" Erin whispers.

They were standing under the oak tree in the park, a picnic rug, basket and electric candles surrounding the edges of the blanket.

"I can't believe you remembered." Erin says shocked.

Jay smiles as she turns around to face him "I remember everything you tell me Erin Lindsay."

...

" _Why the hell are we in the park during January? It's freezing Erin." Jay groans pulling his jacket tighter around him._

" _It's beautiful!" Erin says looking around "I love the park in January."_

 _Jay rolls his eyes "You're crazy."_

" _But you love me anyways." Erin giggles, wrapping her arms around Jay under his coat._

" _You're right about that. Always." Jay says bringing his coat to wrap around her sides so she could cuddle into him._

" _You know … I always thought the park would be a nice place to have a date." Erin says looking up at him "Maybe I can bring you back here when it's warmer."_

 _Jay smiles widely. He loved when Erin talked like this. It was very rare that anyone saw the romantic side of her; she was always a hard-ass at work. But this was one of his favourite sides of Erin Lindsay. When she talked about their relationship, and when she confided in him her most intimate thoughts, he knew that she trusted him._

" _I would like that a lot." Jay says leaning down to meet her lips._

…

"So is that what we're doing tonight, strolling down memory lane?" Erin asks.

Jay shrugs "A little. I've got a few things planned for you tonight Erin Lindsay. But for right now, we're going to enjoy our picnic dinner date. It may be four years later than we planned but-"

"It's perfect Jay." Erin cuts him off "Better late than never."

 **A/N: Okay, so originally this chapter was supposed to be the whole date but I was at 7000 words with the whole date so instead you're getting two chapters of the date night!**

 **As always, please leave a review – they will 100% brighten the shity week I've had.  
I'll be uploading the second part of the date tomorrow after work. Hope you're all having a lovely week x**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	29. Rewrite the Stars, Say You'll be Mine

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, got some personal stuff going on but I hope you like this chapter. Each destination of their date is kind of short but it's how I had it planned from the start so hopefully you like it :)**

 **Special shout-out to my dear friend Amy-Rose who helped me with the 'sexy' part of this chapter – y'all asked, I wrote it! Hopefully it's okay I'm not really that well-versed in smut writing but I gave it my best go lol.**

 **Enjoy!**

" _So is that what we're doing tonight, strolling down memory lane?" Erin asks._

 _Jay shrugs "A little. I've got a few things planned for you tonight Erin Lindsay. But for right now, we're going to enjoy our picnic dinner date. It may be four years later than we planned but-"_

" _It's perfect Jay." Erin cuts him off "Better late than never."_

"This really is amazing Jay, tonight has been wonderful." Erin said as she and Jay walked hand-in-hand around the park by the water.

Jay gave her a cheeky smile "You really think this is the whole night? I told you I had many things planned."

"Babe, you don't need to do all that. Tonight has already been so special, honestly."

Jay stops and turns to face Erin "Er, I want to do this. You and I deserve this. You know, since you've come back, we've only ever talked about the bad memories from our relationship. But there are so many good ones, and that's what tonight's about. Reliving the good memories, and making some more in the process." Jay says with a smile "So, you ready for our next stop?"

"Are you gonna make me wear that damn blindfold again?" Erin groans.

Jay chuckles "Nah, I think you've had enough mystery for one night."

"Does that mean you're going to tell me where we're going." Erin says hopefully.

"Not a chance." Jay says pulling her along with him.

* * *

"Okay, I know we've had some good memories, but which one happened in front of a convenience store?" Erin asks as they step out of the car.

Jay walks to the right of the store, where there's an empty space of patchy grass and concrete "Do you remember when we first went after Pulpo? We had to go track a burner phone that we found. It led us to this convenience store, and then- "

"You tried to be all macho and fought that idiot who was flirting with me." Erin rolls her eyes.

"Exactly." Jay chuckles "Do you remember what you told me when we got out of the car?"

" _Anyone guy who wants to ask my Dad's permission to date me should save himself the trouble."_

"You told me right then and there not to waste my time, but I did. Because you're worth wasting the time for." Jay says shyly.

Erin frowns "I don't understand."

"I asked Hank if I could take you out tonight. The first time we got together, we went behind his back. And he's your father, in every way that matters. And so, this time around I wanted to make sure we had his permission, his _support_. Because I know how much it means to you that Hank is on board, whether you admit it or not."

Erin wraps her arms around and pulls her to him, hugging Jay tightly. She knows it's silly to get so emotional over this, but she is. He's given it so much thought, he's considered every moment of tonight's date and done everything he could to reassure her of their relationship, and his commitment to their future.

"Thank you for asking my dad's permission." She giggles into his neck.

"I would do anything for you Erin. I mean it." Jay mumbles against her hair.

"I know. It means the world to me."

…

Jay pulled up outside of Molly's, and his nerves were growing more. He knew this next part was the cheesiest moment of the night. It was super romantic, and neither he or Erin were the romantic type. He wanted her to know how important this particular memory was to him, but it meant being completely vulnerable to her, which still scared him a little.

Erin's voice distracts him "You alright?"

"Yeah. Just … Don't judge the mushiness of this next one okay?"

Erin leaned over and rested her hand against his cheek "Hey, I would _never_. You've put so much thought into this night Jay, I love it. I don't care how 'mushy' it gets, I wouldn't judge you for that."

"I know. I don't know why I'm so nervous." He says, eyes fixated on the car keys in his hand.

"We don't have to go in if you don't want to." Erin reassures him.

Jay takes her hand in his, shaking his head "No, I want to."

Erin nods her head and follows him silently out of the car, instantly taking his hand when she's next to him. She squeezes it gently, letting him know she's not going anywhere. Her curiosity is peaked; she wants to know why he's suddenly so worried.

It hits her as soon as he holds the door open and she walks in. The bar is empty, and there are candles along the bar and a few on each table, accompanied by white daisies. The fairy lights hanging from the ceiling give the room enough light, the glow of the candles giving off a warm energy to the atmosphere. Erin turns to face her partner, standing behind her anxiously awaiting her reaction.

"Jay…" she's lost for words, completely taken aback by the sight.

He takes a step forward "This is one of my favorite moments. The night we got back together, you stood in this bar with me and let me kiss you in front of everyone. For the first time, we didn't hide our feelings, you didn't worry about what Voight would think, or our team. You chose me."

"I still choose you." Erin whispers, tears filling her eyes as she leans up to kiss him "I will always choose you."

Jay smiled widely, relief flooding him completely. He pulled a little remote out of his jacket pocket, Erin watching as he clicked a button and soft music flooded the bar "Dance with me?"

She nodded and intertwined her arms around his neck, leaning in so their noses were grazing each other. They both smiled at each other as they started to sway slowly and Erin leaned in to kiss his lips.

"Tonight really has been perfect Jay. It means so much to me." Erin whispered.

"I'm glad you enjoyed babe. I love you so much, and I just want to show you that." Jay says "After everything that happened the past few days … I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you. I'm glad you're back in my life. And I don't want you to worry about our future anymore babe."

"… I'm not. I know you're going to be here, and that no matter what our future holds, we'll get through it together." Erin replied.

"Yes, we will." Jay smiles again.

* * *

An hour later, Jay and Erin were walking hand-in-hand down the street, Jay suggesting that they enjoy the crisp night air inside of driving to their next stop. Erin's head rested against Jay's bicep, Jay occasionally leaning down and kissing the top of her head.

"I can't believe three months ago I was running out of that damn bar chasing after you." Erin scoffs.

"It's funny how quickly things change." Jay chuckles as they pass the 21st district "Okay, we're here."

Erin looks at him funny "Why are we here? I mean, we have a _lot_ of good memories here but ..."

"Well, one memory you don't know about, is that I almost proposed to you here. You came to ask me about Bunny's case, and you turned around and walked away and I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and I was so close to asking you. But I didn't. Instead I let you walk away from me, and out of my life." Jay says, untangling their arms and turning so they're face to face "I remember that night, when Hank told me you weren't coming back. I just felt … broken, after hearing you were gone. That I'd never be able to fix things."

 _It takes Hank ten minutes to realize the banging sound he can hear is not in his head. He's not dreaming, he's barely awake and there's a loud pounding on his front door. He groans and slowly gets up, grabbing his navy robe from the hook on the back of his bedroom door before trudging down the stairs and opening the door._

" _Where is she?" Jay's voice is panicked, his moves frantic as he races past Hank and moves into the living room._

" _Excuse me? It's 3am Halstead, what the hell are you doing here?" Hank bites out, not happy about the detective disrupting his sleep at this hour._

" _Erin!? Erin get down here!" Jay's yelling through the whole house, coming out of the kitchen and back through the living room to race up the stairs, taking them two at a time._

" _Halstead! Get the hell out of my room!" Hank yells when he sees Jay running into every room of the house, following him up the stairs "I should've gotten the damn shotgun."_

 _Jay's exiting Erin's childhood bedroom when he slams into Hank, trying to push past the Sargent but the older man is standing strong, stopping him from moving any further._

" _Are you crazy!? You can't just come barging into my house at 3 o'clock in the morning screaming your lungs out. Are you drunk?" Hank barks at his detective._

 _Jay's eyes narrow "Where the hell is she! Where's Erin? She was supposed to come to Molly's, and I went to the apartment and they said she's gone. I know you know where she is Hank, and I need to talk to her, where is she?"_

 _It clicks in that moment. Erin didn't tell Jay she was leaving. Hank sighs, his shoulders slumping slightly as he realizes why Jay is so worried._

" _She's not in Chicago Jay. She got a job with the FBI; they agreed to help Bunny out of her predicament if Erin came to work with them._

 _Hank watches the heartbreak on Jay's face, and he worries that maybe he was too blunt in his delivery, but then Jay starts shaking his head and backing away from him._

" _You're lying. She wouldn't leave me. She wouldn't leave the unit, not without saying goodbye." His voice is strained; he doesn't want to believe it's true._

 _Hank shrugs his shoulders in response "She needed a fresh start Jay. Maybe she knew, that if she saw you, she wouldn't be able to leave."_

"… _She's gone?" The question comes out like a statement, but Hank nods anyways._

 _He sees the tears filling Jay's eyes, but Hank knows Jay doesn't want to be so vulnerable in front of his boss. Jay turns quickly, muttering a quick "I have to go" before he's racing back down the stairs and out the door._

 _Hank follows him downstairs, standing at the window in his living room, watching Jay standing outside the 300. His hands are resting on the roof of the car, he's bent over slightly and Hank can see that he's trying to control himself; he's trying to take control of the situation._

 _The Army Ranger inside of him craves the control, he doesn't like not knowing all the information. Hank knows this; he's seen how unpredictable Jay can get when he feels like things are spiraling._

 _Suddenly Jay's kicking the car wheel, a couple angry grunts coming from him. And then suddenly he's fine. He lifts his head, rubs his hands over his tired hands and gets into his car, speeding off into the night._

 _Hank watches as he races off, contemplating if he should follow after him. But he knows better. Jay needs some time to come to terms with what he's just found out. To fully comprehend that the woman he still loves just walked out of his life, possibly forever._

"Jay…" Erin whispers sadly, unsure of what to tell him.

"I've spent a lot of time over the past three years wondering what could have been. And I made myself a promise that if you ever came back to me, I wouldn't spend my time second-guessing and over-analyzing things. That's why I was so adamant about us waiting to talk about kids, but that wasn't fair to you. And I'm so sorry about that Erin, I should've thought about what you were feeling and thinking before I pushed a decision onto you.

"It's not your fault Jay. I know you didn't mean to do it, you wanted to enjoy the honeymoon phase. I get it." Erin says taking his hands in hers again "I wanted to as well, but it was just weighing on my mind, no matter how hard I tried to bury it."

"I don't want you to feel like you have to bury things with me Erin. I want you to trust me enough to always tell me the truth, that's the only way this is going to work; if we're both honest with each other."

"And I will be, I promise." Erin says softly, bringing his hands up to press a kiss against "I promise."

"I know we will Erin, we're not going to make the same mistakes again, because-" Jay smiles and takes a nervous breath "Because I love you. And I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize what we have ever again."

Erin feels all the air leave her lungs in that moment. She feels like there's fireworks going off in her body from his words. He said it first, in the same place they had last seen each other three years ago, when it felt like all hope was lost. Jay took one of their most painful memories and turned it into something beautiful, just like he always did. He had a way of making everything feel better.

Erin could see Jay was growing more nervous, and she realized she hadn't spoken yet. She smiles up at him and whispers "Say it again."

Jay's smile grows as he leans in close and whispers "I love you, Erin Lindsay."

Her hands come up around his neck and she pulls him to her, kissing him with every ounce of love she has inside of her. She couldn't stop the smile growing on her face; it was the first time he had said 'I love you' since they had spoken about potentially not being able to have kids. The words, and the fact that he had said them first, were such a reassurance to her.

"I love you too." Erin mumbles into their kiss, and she feels Jay smiling against her lips as he wraps his arms around her waist and lift her off the ground a little. Erin squeals and they break their kiss as they're both laughing and Jay spins her around in his arms, enjoying the moment together.

* * *

Erin smiled as she walked into the apartment, Jay following closely behind. The hallway is filled with rose petals and fake light-up candles, a little box sitting in the hallway near the bedroom door.

"I thought the night was over?" Erin says confused, looking back at Jay who smirks at her.

"I may have had one more surprise planned."

Erin looks up at him excitedly before walking over to where the box lays, sitting in a love heart of rose petals and candles. Erin's heart feels like it's ready to burst; tonight has been so romantic, and she doesn't know how she'll ever repay Jay for all that he's done to make this happen.

She holds the box in her hands and turns to face Jay, who smiles nervously at her "You know, the reason I kept this apartment, is because it was the one thing I had left that reminded me of you. I mean I had work as well, but this place was _ours_. No one else knew all the memories it held within its walls. It was where we first started building our lives together, and it's where we get to start over together. We get to rebuild everything."

There's tears pooling in Erin's eyes, but she stays focused on Jay as he reaches forward and lifts the lid of the box, revealing a blue larimar stone in a silver pendant, a long silver chain tucked under the pillow the pendant was resting on.

Jay pulls it out and looks at Erin, who turns around and pulls her hair to one side as Jay puts the necklace in front of her, letting the pendant rest against her chest as he brings the chain around the back and clasps it together. He pulls Erin's hair out from under the necklace and fixes it back for her before she turns around to face him.

"It's beautiful." Erin says softly, holding the blue stone between her fingers.

Jay smiles "It was my mother's."

Erin looks up at him, eyes wide at his words. The tears that had been threatening to fall for most of the night finally did as Erin held the necklace tighter in her hand.

"I know I can't give you her engagement ring anymore, but I thought you would like this instead. Consider it … a promise. Of my love for you, and my commitment to our future together; whether or not there's kids in it." Jay says

Erin smiles brightly at Jay as his thumb comes up to wipe away her tears. She sniffles and leans up to kiss his cheek.  
"Thank you. I love it." Erin says kissing him again "I love you." She kisses him once more.

Jay laughs softly as she keeps pressing gentle kisses against his face, avoiding his attempt to kiss her lips. He holds her face in his hands and Erin giggles cheekily, his eyes meeting hers before flickering down to her lips before he leans in and kisses her.

They're lost in their own world, Erin's hands run from the nape of his neck through his hair, Jay's arms wrapping around her waist and holding her body tightly against his own. Their movements grow more frantic, Erin walking them back into the bedroom.

Jay pulls back from her, both of them dragging air into their lungs.  
"We should slow down." Jay says breathlessly.

Erin shakes her head "I don't want to slow down. I love you. I want you."

"Erin … Are you sure?' He wanted her. He knew he did. But he didn't want to rush things; they had both agreed to take things slowly this time, and despite being back together for almost three weeks now, Jay still wanted to be sure.

"I'm sure. Make love to me." Erin groaned internally at her words _'You sound like a sixteen-year-old.'_

Jay gave her a smile when he saw the blush fill her cheeks, knowing she felt embarrassed by her words, so he leaned back down and kissed her gently this time. Erin's hands came up and she pushed his jacket from his shoulders, Jay moving his hands to his sides so it could slide down to the floor, his shirt soon following. Her hands ran along his chest and Jay moved to her neck, kissing and sucking along her pulse point as she moaned.

It was like music to his ears and Jay's hands moved more frantically, reaching behind him to pull down the zipper of her dress. He was ready to push the material down her body but he felt her freeze, and he let go instantly and looked down at her.

"I, uh … It's not the same as you last saw it. My body." Erin said nervously looking down at the floor as she spoke "The accident, it left a bit of scarring in places. It's not the most attractive thing to look at."

She let out a chuckle at the last part, trying to play it off as a joke, but Jay could hear the vulnerability in her words. He reached one hand under her chin, lifting gently so she was forced to look up at him. He kept his eyes one hers as he slowly pushed her dress down her body.

Jay's hands held onto the top of the dress as it fell down, his body moving along with it until he was kneeling in front of her, his face in line with her stomach. He let go of the dress and his hands came up to brush along the scar that rested upon her abdomen.

There were a few little scares all over her stomach, most likely from the glass shattering everywhere during her car accident, but the one that stood out the most is the one that goes along her abdomen, just above her underwear. It's where the doctors had to cut in to save her life, but Erin doesn't see it that way. To her it's an ugly mark, that only carries terrible memories from a bitter part of her life.

Erin sucked in a breath at Jay's touch, tears filling her eyes. He hadn't seen her scar before; she had managed to cover it well the times she had slept over, but she couldn't hide it any longer. Jay hadn't said anything for a few minutes now, and it made her grow more nervous the longer his fingers brushed over her scars. She felt his lips against her stomach before he stood back up, looking her in the eyes once more.

"I don't care about some scars Erin, you look beautiful to me. This?" He says touching the area once more "This, is a sign of your strength. It's a reflection of just how much you've been through, and how much you've overcome. It shows me just how much of a fighter you are, and to me that's the most beautiful thing."

The tears are falling from her eyes, but she doesn't care that he can see her so vulnerable. She leans up and wraps her arms around his shoulder, holding him to her again.

"You always make me feel safe." She whispers into the crook of his neck.

Jay smiles back "Because you are safe Erin, and you're loved. Always."

They're holding each other for a few minutes before Erin pulls back, pecking his lips while her hands reach behind her to undo the red lace bra she had on, but Jay stops her before she can.

"Let me." He says and Erin nods, her eyes locking with his.

They take their time, both basking in the sight of one another as they slowly remove each article of clothing until they're standing before one another bare. Jay leans down and kisses her again, pushing against her so they both fall onto the bed, bouncing as the mattress catches them and they both let out a soft laugh.

Jay settles himself so he's lying between her legs and kisses down her next, his lips trailing down her chest and Erin's head falls back as her hands play in his hair and slowly run up and down his back. Jay's hands run along the side of her toned body, his mouth kissing and sucking on her skin as he went. His left hand trailed up to her breast while his mouth moved to her right one. His hand palmed one breast and while he kissed around the other as Erin whimpered beneath him.

"Jay…" He could feel himself growing harder at the way she moaned his name. Erin could hear herself mumbling some incoherencies but she was too swept up in the feel of Jay's hands and mouth all over her body and the throbbing between her thighs was only growing stronger.

Jay moved back up to kiss her lips and Erin's hands brushed down the front of his chest, her hands spending a few extra seconds as they reacquainted themselves with his well-defined muscles. She reached down and cupped him in her hand, causing Jay to groan. He had missed her touch.

"I want you. _Please_." She cried. They had waited long enough, she needed him.

Jay took himself in hand, lining up with her entrance and he looked back up at her.

"I love you." He whispered leaning down to kiss her as he pushed himself inside her.

Erin gasped into the kiss and her hips titled as her body took him in, welcoming the feel of Jay Halstead once more. Erin looked at Jay and could see the struggle in his eyes; he was staying still, wanting to savor the moment, but she needed more.

She clenched her muscles around him and Jay moaned as his eyes closed again. Unable to hold off any longer, he pulled out of her a little before sliding back into her, Erin's legs coming up so her feet were on the bed giving Jay more access to her.

"You feel so good Er." Jay mumbled against her neck "I missed you so much."

"Oh, I've missed you too." Erin sighs tilting her hips up to meet him.

He moved slow but strong, wanting to take his time with her. There were plenty more chances in their future to get caught up in the moment, but tonight he wanted to savor being back in Erin Lindsay's arms.

Erin groaned at the force of Jay's thrusts, matching his pace. She could feel her release stirring within her and she knew Jay was close too. Jay's hand slid between their sweat-slicked bodies and pressed against her clit.

"Jay!" She cried out as her orgasm hit her.

Erin reached her hands up and pulled Jay back to her kissing him again. Her tongue slid against his, mimicking what their lower halves were doing. She felt her orgasm starting to wind down, but she wanted Jay to come with her. She squeezed her muscles around him every time he slid back into her, Jay groaning at the sensation. He kept pushing into her a few more times before he felt himself let go, calling her name as he went.

Jay's arms fell from under him, but body collapsing on top of Erin's. They were both quiet for a few minutes, Erin's hands playing in Jay's hair as he held her tightly. He moved off her, laying down on his side of the bed and wrapping his arms around her, pulling Erin against him.

"That was-" Erin trailed off breathless.

"I know." Jay smiled kissing her forehead "How do you feel?"

" … Whole." Erin said quietly "I never, in my wildest dreams, thought we would be back here again."

"Me either. But I'm so glad we found our way back to one another Er.

Erin looks up at him sadly "To think we nearly didn't make it, there were so many times we almost-"

"It doesn't matter. None of it matters anymore." Jay cuts her off "We're good now. We are good."

Erin smiled, kissing him again "We are good."

 **A/N: So, I feel like I haven't really prepared you enough but … This is kind of the final chapter. I know it seems like an odd place to end off, but this was always my plan. While this was an HEA story for Linstead, I never wanted to give them one of those picture perfect endings; They're back together, they're fighting for their relationship, they're doing the best they can just like any other couple.**

 **I'm planning on writing an epilogue, but I do need your help with that. I was thinking of doing one chapter epilogue OR for those who would like to see some more of this story, I also have an idea for a 3-part epilogue that gives you more of the ending you were all hoping for.**

 **For anyone wondering what kind of stone I was referring to in Jay's mother's necklace, here is a link for the idea: . /pin/470978073503184546/**

 **Let me know what you would like to see, and please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

 **\- Maddie :)**


	30. Oops, Baby, I love you

**A/N: Hey everyone! I can't believe we're nearing the end of this story I'm so emotional reading all your reviews, and the fact we've made it past 500 reviews!? That's never happened to me with a story before and I'm so happy it was this one that made it there. Thank you so much x**

 **In other news, due to 's unreliable service at the moment, I've made a Facebook group with all my One Tree Hill and Chicago P.D. writing in it so feel free to join! I'll also be posting polls and asking questions in reference to my stories so if you want a chance to give me your opinions then feel free to do so: groups/1713584325346393/**

 **Enjoy!**

 _6 months later …_

"He's so cute." Erin says as she smiles down at the baby below her on the bed.

"He definitely gets that from his mother." Jay says stroking the baby's cheek as he lays between the two detectives.

"I'm not arguing there. I don't think Kim would either." Erin smirks leaning down to graze

her nose against the baby's "Isn't that right Christian?"

They heard a loud whine from behind them and Jay chuckled as he looked behind his girlfriend.

"I think your other baby is getting a little jealous." He teased.

Erin turned to her other side and smiled at their boy sitting in the doorway. She hopped up off the bed and walked over, leaning in front of him and rubbing his head affectionately.

"Benson, you know you're my favourite guy." Erin said in a sweet voice, scrunching her nose as the 5-month old dog's tongue swiped against her face affectionately. He lay on his side so his belly was exposed and Erin laughed as she brought her hand across to rub him "You're a pleasure pig aren't you?"

Jay shakes his head as he watches them "I still can't believe you named the damn dog after Olivia."

"She loved it!" Erin argued running her hands through Benson's fur.

"She's just flattered you essentially named your first kid after her." Jay rolls his eyes.

"Why is he always _my_ kid when it's the bad stuff? He barks at random dogs when we take him for a walk, he's _my_ dog. He pees in your shoes, he's _my_ dog. But when we take him to the district and he's all lovey-dovey with Platt, or letting Christian sleep on him, then he's _our_ dog. You seem to conveniently forget that both our names are registered on his little owner certificate. Do I need to pull it out from storage? Refresh your memory?" Erin jokes.

"Like I could forget that day." Jay says with a smile.

 _It had been nine weeks since their date; they were now celebrating three months of officially being back together. They both knew it was cheesy to celebrate such a small milestone, but they had never celebrated when the first time they were together. They both agreed to take every possible opportunity this time around to celebrate how far they had come since three years ago._

 _It was almost 7:00pm and Erin and Jay were walking hand-in-hand down the street, heading back to their apartment after a simple dinner at their favourite burger place. Jay was pulled back unexpectedly when Erin stopped mid-step, distracted by what she saw in the window._

' _English Mastiff x Blue-nosed Pit – Male. 2 months. No name.' the label read, and Jay looked up to see a little ball of grey fur, the puppy's head was tucked down as he slept peacefully. Jay smiled as he looked over to his girlfriend; her eyes were saucers by this point, her whole face was lit up as she watched the little guy slowly wake up, lifting his head to look up at her._

" _He's so cute." Erin said as she looked at the puppy._

" _He is." Jay agreed, and before he knew what he was doing the words were out of his mouth "We should get him."_

 _His eyes widened as the words came out of his mouth. Had he really just suggested that? Were they really ready for this? They had only been together for three months; Erin was going to think he was crazy._

" _Seriously?" Erin asked, and when Jay heard the hope in her voice, he knew it was the right choice._

 _"Yeah, why not? We know we're going to be together; the unit will love him so we can bring him with us if we need to, they're good for security-"_

" _Where's he going to live?" Erin asks "Hank will not be able to handle house-training him."_

 _"He can stay at the apartment, I'll talk to the landlord about it."_

" _Jay, he's going to get really big. Pits and Mastiff are both big breeds, he's going to outgrow the apartment."_

" _We'll figure it out Erin. Come on, I know you've always wanted a dog. You've told me before, and I can see how much you love him already."_

" _You're right. I do." Erin smiled softly as she looked back at the dog "Okay, but I want to help out. Just because he's staying with you, doesn't mean he isn't my responsibility too. I want to help pay for everything, and I'll come over and take him for walks after work and-"_

" _Erin. That's fine." Jay smiles "It's perfect."_

 _He watched as Erin's smile grew once more and she flung herself into his arms, hugging him fiercely "Thank you." She whispers into the crook of his neck._

 _Jay smiles as he wraps his arms around her "Anything for you."_

" _I've always wanted a dog." Erin says as she pulls back from him "But Bunny … She wasn't exactly ecstatic about that idea."_

 _Jay feels his heart break once more for his girl. His mind conjures up memories of his childhood dog, Rocket, and how much he loved growing up with him. Erin had missed out on all the normal childhood things that had a special place in his heart._

" _Well_ _ **I**_ _think it's an amazing idea. It'll be nice to have someone to keep us company, and kids love dogs too." Jay says squeezing his arms around her in reassurance._

 _Erin smiles "That's true, Christian is going to love him."_

" _He will. But I meant our kids, Er." Jay said softly._

 _They had agreed tonight to start the adoption process in a few months, both of them knowing that it's a long process before they would be picked for a child. They realised it was best to start early so that when a child was given to them, it wouldn't be too long of a wait._

 _Erin nods her head, the conversation ringing through her head "Our kids are gonna love him too."_

…

 _They had come back early the next morning, standing outside the door ten minutes before the store even opened. It had been closed when they walked past last night, but were both in agreement that they wanted to adopt the little guy._

 _The process had been relatively quick and easy, and within an hour they were walking out the adoption store with their dog._

 _They arrived home half an hour later, Erin holding the dog in her hands as she walked into the apartment. She let him down and he started racing around the house, familiarising himself with the new surroundings._

" _Welcome home little guy." Erin smiled as the dog came and sat at her feet by the couch._

 _Jay sits down on the couch next to Erin "You know, we really need to come up with a name for him. 'Little guy' is going to get confusing when Christian's over wondering why you're calling the dog the same nickname as him."_

 _Erin chuckles "I know, but I want to make sure it's the perfect name. He's the first pet I've ever had, and the first one we have together. I want it to be right."_

 _Jay smiles at her words "okay, how about we come up with a name for him while we have dinner tonight? We can watch that Netflix show you've been bugging me about, get Chinese takeout, and research some names."_

" _That sounds good." Erin says leaning over to kiss his cheek "I can't wait to get you hooked."_

 _Jay scoffs "Yeah right, you know I don't buy into those political thriller shows."_

" _Designated Survivor is more than a political thriller, and the male lead, Tom Kirk, oh I love his character so much! I wish he was our_ _ **actual**_ _president." Erin laughed "And just wait 'till you meet my girl Emily, you're gonna love her."_

" _There's only one girl I love." Jay said smirking at her._

 _Erin rolls her eyes "You're so cheesy."_

* * *

" _Arthur?" Jay asks looking at his computer screen._

" _Veto." Erin says looking down at her phone"Rosco?"_

" _Veto." Jay replies "Blue?"_

" _That's so cliché. The cop couple naming their dog Blue. Veto." Erin groaned._

" _Well then I'm out. I don't know what the hell we name him!" Jay says frustrated scrolling through the list of names on the website he's reading; 'Top 100 names for dogs.'_

" _How about Benny?" He asks._

 _Erin shakes her head, looking around their apartment as she tries to think about what name would suit their dog. Her eyes fall on the picture sitting on the bookshelf next to their TV unit and she smiles, turning to face Jay._

" _How about Benson?" She says excitedly._

 _Jay frowns "Like, after Olivia?"_

" _Yeah! Think about it." She opens a new tab on her phone and types away before turning to face Jay again, reading off the screen "Pits and Mastiff's have similar temperaments; Pit's are often described as affectionate, intelligent, courageous, friendly, loyal and strong-willed. Mastiff' s are also affectionate and courageous, while also being protective, dignified and good-natured. It's literally Olivia in a dog!" Erin exclaims._

 _Jay listens to her list off all the information about their dog, and he can't help but agree with what she's saying. Those characteristics are Olivia to a T. Plus, the name Benson was pretty frickin cute._

" _I think it's cool. But it's not me you have to convince." Jay says._

 _Erin looks at him cocky "I got it handled babe." She says as she opens the camera app on her phone, taking a picture of their dog, who's sitting patiently in his bed next to the couch while he waits for his parents to make a decision on his name._

 _She opens her imessage and starts a new chat, typing away frantically while Jay sits beside her wondering what she's planning. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket a minute later and takes it out to look at the new message from his girlfriend._

 _It's a group text, including all of their Intelligence family, Sergeant Platt, a few of the firefighters and doctors from Firehouse 51 and Gaffney Medical, as well as Sergeant Tuckson, Detective Jones, and Olivia Benson. He smiles as he reads her text._

 _ **Our fur-baby! Loyal, friendly, courageous, intelligent and affectionate. The perfect characteristics of my best friend, in man's best friend.**_

 _ **Meet Benson :)**_

 _Erin's phone rang within two minutes of the text being sent, and she puts it on speaker as she leans against Jay._

" _Hey liv!"_

 _All they could hear is laughter for a few seconds before Olivia's voice comes through "I can't believe you named your fucking dog after me. I'm flattered."_

* * *

"She liked it. You know you do too." Erin says sitting back down next to Jay on the bed as he held Christian in his arms, lifting the boy up in the air above him as his giggles filled the air.

Erin smiles as she watches Jay with their best friends baby, her heart swells as she thinks of him doing the same with their child one day.

"You're going to be an amazing father." She says softly.

Jay's smile matches her own, the two sharing a look. They had gotten the call last night from the adoption agency, saying they were officially approved for adoption, and that their case file would be given to any prospective parents who were looking to place their baby with a safe and loving family.

The future they had planned together was coming true. It may not have been in the way they originally planned, but Erin wouldn't have it any other way.

 **A/N: I don't know if you guys use the term 'pleasure pig' because from the people I had pre-read this chapter for me, they said they hadn't heard of it before, but it's one I've known my whole life lol**

 **I thought it was apt to upload today, in honour of CPD's 100** **th** **episode! I hope you guys enjoyed part 1 of the epilogue for 'You Were Good, Then You Were gone'.**

 **Happy CPD day, enjoy the episode and have a lovely week everyone x**

 **Maddie**


	31. We Found Love Right Where We Are

Chapter 31 – We Found Love Right Where We Are

 **A/N: Thanks for all your lovely reviews, I'm so glad you guys liked the first epilogue! I know that I said it was going to be 3 parts, but the more I think about it the more it's going to end up being 5 lol**

 **Anyways, hope you guys like part 2! The date at the beginning of each chapter is how many months/years it's been since the end of the story (Chapter 29).**

 _2 years later._

Erin ran her hands along the lace material as Kim smiled at her in the mirror "You look beautiful Erin."

"Thanks. You look gorgeous, maid-of-honour." Erin smirked turning to look at her best friend. Kim looked at her blush-pink dress in the mirror and thanked her friend, fixing the halter-neck of her dress.

"Hey." Hailey smiled poking her head through the door "You almost ready?"

Erin nodded turning to her friend nervously "Everything's going to go smoothly, right?"

Kim walked over to Erin, taking the bride's hands in her own "Hey, it's going to go perfectly. It's you and Jay, it can't go wrong."

"I wish she were here." Erin said softly.

Kim nodded in understanding "I know you do. Nadia would've loved this; she was your guys first supporter."

Erin laughed at her friend's statement "That's true. I can't remember the amount of times she would tease me about Jay. She was so excited when I told her we had first gotten together after I moved to the Task Force."

Kim smiles "See? Everyone you love is here today, in yours and Jay's heart. They're all with you no matter what. They're watching over us today, I truly believe that. They're going to make sure it all goes smoothly."

Erin felt tears fill her eyes as she remembered everyone that couldn't be here today; Nadia, Camille, Justin, Jay's mother. There were so many of their friends and family that couldn't be here for their day, but Kim was right. They were in their hearts, always.

There was another knock on the door and Hank stepped in, stopping short when he saw Erin in her wedding dress "Oh wow."

"How do I look?" Erin asked nervously.

Erin's hair was down, her dark brunette locks in subtle waves and the front pinned back to show her face, and Hank was reminded of what she looked when he first recruited her to the unit.

Her dress was a lace bodice for the upper-half, a floral pattern for the lace. It was a deep V-neck, changing into an off-white silky material that flowed down her legs just grazing the floor.

It was simple, yet elegant, exactly how Erin wanted it. She never envisioned a big, fancy wedding. Jay had wanted the same thing, just a close and intimate ceremony surrounded by their most important friends and family. And of course the dog.

"You look beautiful Erin, Halstead's gonna lose his mind." Hank chuckled "Camille would've loved seeing you in your wedding dress."

"Hank…" Erin said, tears filling her eyes again.

"Hey, no crying! I worked hard on your makeup." Kim says sternly.

"No tears yet, I promise." Erin laughs softly, fanning her face with her hands "Let's get out there and get me married."

"It's about time. We've waited for this damn day long enough." Kim joked following Erin out the door.

* * *

Jay stood nervously as he waited for the music to start. He couldn't believe this day was finally here. They finally made it here, five years after they had first reunited.

"Man if you don't stop bouncing around I'm going to give you a sedative." Will's voice came from beside him, and he turned to face his brother.

"I can't help it Will, I'm just … excited." Jay smiles widely "It's taken us so long to get here, I don't want to wait anymore."

The music started up in that moment, Will smiling at his brother "Well luckily, you don't have to wait any longer. I'll see you in a minute." He said before heading down the side of the seating area to meet Kim at the beginning of the altar.

They had decided to have the wedding at their new home, after much debate from Kim – who had refused to let them "just go down to city hall and get it over with". It was a 20-minute drive from the main area of Chicago, but it was worth it. The house was a two-story with a wrap-around porch. It had plenty of yard space for Benson to run around as well as a few extra rooms for their family.

Kim had spent the past month organizing their wedding day. Knowing that Erin wanted to keep it simple and not too costly, she ordered a floral arch for the couple to stand under and rented a simple red carpet runner for the aisle and some white chairs for their guests to sit on.

There were a few white and pink daisies in vases on the long table that they had set up for dinner, and Kim had bought some fairy lights to put along the fence that enclosed their yard to give a soft glow to the evening ceremony.

Kim and Will were the first to walk down the make-shift aisle, as maid-of-honour and best man. Mouse and Gabby followed behind, as the only other people in the 'bridal party' Kim had insisted on. Jay's smile widened when he spotted his 2-and-a-half-year-old little girl walk out from the house and down the patio deck, standing nervously at the beginning of the altar.

Emma Halstead was their little miracle. They had adopted her two years ago when she was eighteen months old, after her parents had died in an unfortunate car accident. Emma had her father completely and utterly wrapped around her finger, and Jay knew it. He would do anything for his two girls.

Emma was dressed in a blush pink dress, with a red leather jacket. Jay's heart swelled as he saw the jacket; Emma had wanted one just like her mama's and due to the windy weather today, Kim had let her wear it for the ceremony.

Jay noticed Emma take one step forward, only to freeze as her eyes met the guests. They were all staring at her, waiting for the little girl to make a move. Jay saw the hesitant look in her eyes and kneeled down to coax her to walk towards him. His eyes connected with his daughter's and he motioned his hand to tell her to come to him.

"Daddy!" Emma smiled excitedly and raced over to him as he swooped her up in his arms. The guests all laughed at Emma's enthusiasm; she was definitely 'Daddy's girl'.

Jay kissed her cheek before turning his attention to the altar again as Erin stepped out of the house with Hank. He felt the air leave his lungs as he saw her in her wedding dress for the first time. She had an understated beauty about her that always set his heart on fire.

Erin's eyes met Jay's, the two smiling giddily at one another as she walked down the aisle, Hank having to hold her back as she tried to walk faster down the aisle to get to Jay and their daughter.

Soon enough they were face to face, Hank placing his daughter's hand in Jay's "You take good care of her. Of both of them."

Jay nodded and smiled as he took Erin's hand in his and began to place Emma in Hank's arms, the little girl whining as he did so.

"No." She cried leaning over to Erin.

Erin looked over at Hank "It's okay, I got her." She told him before taking Emma from Hank and setting her down so that she was standing between her parents, each of them holding one of her hands with their own while the other hands stay connected to one another.

Trudy smiled at the three, before beginning the proceedings. Erin had asked Trudy to officiate, not wanting a priest as she wasn't really religious. But since Jay had been raised in a Catholic household, she knew it was important to him considering his mother had been so attached to her faith. Trudy, much like Jay, had been raised in the same upbringing and so the choice felt like a win-win for both of them. Plus, she knew Nadia would've liked that choice.

As Trudy began to speak, Erin's eyes met Jay's before looking down at their daughter who was bouncing on her feet between them. Emma had been so excited about the wedding, every night before she went to bed she'd ask her parents the same thing.

" _Do we get to all be Halstead's tomorrow?"_

It made Erin's heart burst every time, the knowledge that she would finally be a Halstead after so many years. She couldn't believe how her life had turned out, but she wouldn't have it any other way. She loved that her daughter had come first, and got to be a part of their special day together. She would never forget the day they found out they were going to be parents.

"We are gathered here today to join Erin and Jay in matrimony…" Platt began.

…

" _Erin." Jay mumbled tiredly "Erin."_

 _Erin let out a grunt in her sleep, turning to her side and snuggling further into her boyfriend "Five more minutes."_

 _There was a distant buzzing that could be heard, but she couldn't wake herself up enough to care._

" _Babe, your phone's been going off for the last twenty minutes. If I have to hear 'Giuchie, Giuchie, yay a dada" one more time I'm gonna lose it."_

 _Erin let out a noise that Jay couldn't quite identify, before reaching blindly for her phone._

" _Hello." She whined into her phone when she saw the time. 3.46 am. Why the hell was someone calling her so early?_

" _Miss Lindsay? This is Laura Hayward with DCFS." Erin sat up immediately, no longer feeling tired._

" _Miss Hayward!" She exclaimed surprised, whacking Jay's chest to tell him to get up._

" _I'm sorry for the time, but this couldn't wait." Hayward said._

 _Erin shook her head "It's fine, is something wrong with our paperwork?"_

 _Jay looked at his partner concerned. He knew Erin had been worried that her past would be an issue when it came to being picked by the person or couple giving up their child for adoption. Laura had also told them that them not yet being married could also go against them when being looked at as prospective parents._

 _Laura let out a laugh over the phone "Erin, if there was a problem with your paperwork I wouldn't be calling you at this time to discuss it. I have a child I'd like to place with you."_

 _The phone slipped from Erin's grasp, shock completely tacking over her. Jay looked at her panicked as he shook her shoulders "Erin? Erin what's wrong?"_

" _Hello?" Jay could hear their case worker and he picked up the phone from where it had fallen on the bed._

" _Miss Hayward? Sorry about that, Erin dropped the phone. Is everything okay?"_

" _Everything's fine Jay. I'm calling because I have a child to place with you." Laura repeated._

 _Jay felt tears prick her eyes as he looked at Erin, turning the phone onto speaker mode "Seriously?"_

" _Seriously. Her name is Emma, she's 18 months old. Her parents died two weeks ago in a car accident, and we were trying to find her maternal grandmother so we could place Emma with her. Unfortunately, she's been battling breast cancer for the past year, and she's not in any condition to take Emma into her care. I showed her your file, and she thinks you two would be great parents to Emma."_

" _We're getting a daughter?" Erin whispered, tears in her eyes as she looked up from the phone to Jay._

 _They could hear the smile in Laura's voice as she responded "Yes, you're getting a little girl. Congratulations."_

" _Oh my god." Jay whispered "Thank you Laura, thank you so much."_

" _It's my pleasure. I'm glad we were able to find such wonderful parents to place her with. I know you two will do right by her. I need to organise the paperwork for her placement with you guys, and her grandmother wanted to spend some time with her today. But I'll bring her around to your house at 2:00 o'clock if that works for you?"_

" _Yes, that's perfect. Thank you." Erin said, finally recovering from her shocked state._

" _Okay, I'll see you then. Congratulations again." Laura said before hanging up._

" _Oh my god, we're getting a daughter." Erin said smiling at Jay "We're getting a daughter!"_

 _She jumped forward taking Jay by surprise, wrapping her arms around his neck as they both fell backwards onto the bed. Jay laughed at her excitement, leaning down to kiss her._

" _We're going to be parents Er." Jay said "You're going to be a mum."_

" _And you're going to be a Dad." Erin replied as she cried "I can't believe we got here."_

" _I love you so much." Jay cried as he held her to him "I can't wait to raise our daughter with you."_

" _I love you too." Erin whispered into his neck "I can't wait to meet our daughter."_

 _They fell asleep like that; clinging to one another, tears staining both their pyjama shirts as they basked in the news of their new daughter._

…

 _They had woken up a few hours later, Erin immediately going into a panic as reality set in that they were going to be bringing a child into their home today._

 _They spent their Sunday morning racing around to various kids shops to get clothes, car seats and necessities, as well as ordering a children's bed. They had agreed to wait until they met Emma to buy some toys, wanting her to be able to pick out what she wanted. They knew it seemed silly to get an 18-month-old to pick out her own toys, considering she could barely speak properly, but they would at least be able to get a sense of what she liked and disliked by having her with them during that process._

" _We should've cleaned the house." Erin ranted as she put away the dishes, Jay finishing the assembly of the children's bed they had ordered this morning. They had also bought a pack-n-play and crib so that Emma could stay with them in their room in the beginning, and could nap in the living room or at the district in the pack-n-play if needed._

" _Babe, I don't think the baby will judge us for not having time to have cleaned the whole house." Jay says trying to calm his girlfriend._

" _What if she's got allergies? What if they drop her off and she can't stop sneezing because of how dusty the house is? What if- "_

" _Erin, you've got to relax. It's going to be fine." Jay said "We can ask Laura when she drops her off if there's any medical issues we need to know about, and we can ask Will for help later on if we have any concerns. We've got a whole family waiting to help us if we need it Erin, it's going to be okay."_

 _Erin let out a breath, leaning her head against Jay's chest as he held her "I'm scared Jay. I want this for us, so badly. I'm just worried I'm going to screw it up. We already agreed I would be the one spending time off work longer. I don't want to make a mistake; I don't want DCFS or her grandmother to regret giving us this chance. I don't want to lose the opportunity we've been given."_

" _Erin, you're going to be an amazing mother. I've seen how you are with Christian. You love him like he's your own son; Kim and Adam trust you with him and they know you would do anything for him. They picked us to raise this little girl because they believe in us. You can do this Erin; I'll be here with you every step of the way."_

" _Okay." Erin nodded her head "Okay. We've got this. We can do this."_

" _We can do this. You and me, Er." Jay says giving her a reassuring kiss._

 _They were cut short by their apartment buzzer ringing, Jay racing to answer._

" _Hello?" he said into the intercom._

" _Hi Jay, it's us." Laura replied happily, and Jay could hear a babbling noise come through the intercom as well. Their daughter._

" _Come on up." Jay said, trying to keep his excitement controlled._

 _He pressed the buzzer and they heard the door open, Jay and Erin both rushing to the door and waiting in anticipation for the elevator._

 _There was a ding a few seconds later and the doors opened to reveal their caseworker, with a little girl sitting against her right hip. She had her head leaning on Miss Hayward's shoulder, her dark brunette hair in ringlets that fell to mid-way down her back. She had green eyes with a tinge of blue, and her thumb was in her mouth as she looked nervously at the two detectives._

" _Hey guys." Laura said as she walked to the doorway of the apartment "Meet Emma."_

" _Hi Emma." Erin and Jay both said gently, looking at the little girl whose eyes widened as she took in the two strangers._

" _Emma, can you say hi?" Laura asked, and the little girl flicked her fingers up and down in a waving motion, her thumb still securely in her mouth._

" _She's a bit nervous, as you can tell. I'll stay with you guys for a few hours while she gets acquainted." Laura said walking into the apartment and setting Emma down on the play mat that Erin and Jay had set up in the living room._

…

 _Emma had warmed up to Erin quickly, feeling comfortable around the woman. They were both playing with the few toys that Jay and Erin had picked up for her, while Jay and Laura made some coffee so the three could get started on the paperwork._

" _Don't worry about Emma, she'll come around. Her father was a small business owner, and her mother was the primary caretaker. It's more familiar to her to bond with Erin first, but once she gets to know you she'll be fine."_

 _Jay nodded quietly, knowing that it would take some time for Emma to bond with him. She had only just lost the two people she considered her parents, and was being placed in the care of complete strangers. Though only 18 months old, Jay knew she understood the uncertainty of her current situation._

" _Thank you so much, Miss Hayward." Jay says handing her a cup of coffee "Erin and I … we've been waiting for this for what feels like forever. I can't believe we're finally here."_

 _Laura smiled "Of course Jay. I knew you two would be perfect for her. She's been through a lot in her young life, and while she may not fully remember it as she grows up, she's going to need people who can help her through it all. Who can explain to her and relate about what that loss feels like. I knew you two would be the best fit, not just because of your own experiences with your parents, but because of who you are as people. You're kind, and I can see how much love you both have within you. Emma's going to need that."_

" _And we'll give it to her. We're going to do everything we can to make sure she's safe, happy and loved for the rest of our lives."_

" _I know you will. That's why she's here with you. You both deserve this, and I know you won't take it for granted." Laura says "I've seen a lot of cases that didn't turn out the way I hoped, but I know it won't be like that for you three."_

…

 _Laura had left later that night, after Emma had fallen asleep. Jay and Erin completed the paperwork that she had brought over while their little girl slept and then they were on their own. Just the three of them._

" _She's beautiful." Erin mumbled as they both watched Emma sleep "She has your eyes. I mean, I know she doesn't have_ your _eyes, but they look like yours. Don't you think? I sound crazy don't I?"_

 _Jay laughed softly "I get what you mean, I think her hair looks like yours. It reminds me of when we first met. I haven't seen you without blonde hair in so long, but I think the brunette was my favourite look."_

 _Erin smiled up at him "I can't believe she's all ours. It still doesn't seem real."_

" _Believe it babe, you're officially a mother."_

 _She felt tears fill her eyes for the umpteenth time that day, leaning in to kiss Jay "I love you. I don't think I could have ever done this without you. Thank you for helping me become a mother"_

" _I love you too Erin, always. Thanks for making me a daddy." He smiled wrapping his arms around her._

…

"You know Connor is totally flirting with Olivia right?"

Erin chuckled as Jay's hands wrapped around her from behind, her hands resting atop his arms as he held her tightly.

"I know. She need some fun though. Danny's almost 7 now; she's spent so long raising him on her own, she deserves a night of fun with a cute doctor. And if it turns into something more … I'm sure my little brother would be happy as long as she is."

Jay kissed her cheek "You're a good woman, Mrs Halstead."

Erin felt her hear flutter, turning in Jay's arms "Say that again."

Jay leaned in and placed a series of quick kissed on her cheeks "Mrs." Kiss "Erin." Kiss "Halstead."

Jay's smile grew wider as Erin let out a soft giggle at his antics, before leaning up to press her lips against his "I love you. Husband."

"I love you too, wife." Jay smirked kissing her again.

They were lost in their own world, wrapped up in one another's touch.

"Erin? Jay?"

They never wanted this moment to end, to lose the feeling of complete and utter happiness that was washed over the two of them.

"You Guuuuuyyyyyssssss?"

The feeling of finally being whole.

"DADDY!" The piercing sound through the speakers shocked them both, Jay and Erin turning to see Emma hanging in Mouse's arms, her mouth directly against the microphone "HI MAMA!"

"Okay that's enough. Thanks squirt." Mouse said placing Emma down next to him, looking back out to their guests "Now that I have _everyone's_ attention, it's time for the aid-of-honour and best man's speeches."

"Oh this ought to be good." Erin muttered to Jay at they walked back to their seats.

"So, I'm the most eloquent when it comes to speeches, as I'm sure my brother knows. I'm just going to try my best, don't judge." Will laughs "But I do know what it's like to be in love. I know what it's like to stand in front of your friends and family and profess your undying love for someone." Will smiles and looks over at his wife, whose seated at the first table in front of the bridal party, their newborn daughter in her arms and Owen sitting next to her.

"As many of you know, there were a few years when Erin and Jay were apart. And I remember visiting Jay, and he was a mess. There wasn't really anyway to describe how he was other than … incomplete. You see, Jay and Erin have a very rare bond. One that comes from loving someone with everything inside of you, from knowing that person better than you know yourself. A bond so strong that it has the capacity to break your entire being."

Erin could feel Jay tense beside her and she leaned over, taking her hand in his and resting her head against his shoulder, letting his body relax under her touch. She knew he didn't like to remember their three years apart, neither did she.

Will clears his throat self-consciously "Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that Erin and Jay have a love like I've never seen before. And they make each other happier than I've ever seen either of them. I've seen how miserable they are without each other, and I can honestly say … There are not two people who are more meant to be, than Jay and Erin." He raises his glass up to finish his toast "To my little brother, and my little sister, congratulations. It took a hell of a _long_ time to get here, but man am I glad you finally did. I love you both so much, here's to you and your life together."

Everyone raised their glasses to toast Erin and Jay with Will, Jay mouthing a _'thank you'_ to his brother as he walked back to the bridal table. Kim stood next, walking over to the microphone and taking a nervous breath.

"Uh, I actually have some words that aren't exactly … my own. While they summarise exactly what I want to say, they actually come from someone else that was very special in Erin's life. Someone who, if she was still alive, would've been up here today to give this speech instead of me."

Erin felt her breath get stuck in her lungs, Jay laying his arm over her shoulder and squeezing her against his side.

"So about six years ago, when Nadia first started working in Intelligence, she invited me over to hers and Erin's apartment. Erin wasn't there at the time; I'm pretty sure she was busy sneaking over to Halstead's place." Everyone laughs at Kim's words "Nadia had a bit of a rough day, and my partner and I had been with her, so she and I decided to have a few drinks, and two hours later we were both _really_ drunk."

Kim looks up from the floor where she'd been nervously staring to meet Erin's eyes "I remember Nadia ranting about how Jay and Erin were perfect for each other, but Hank was screwing everything up. And that even _if_ he did let them date, they were both too stubborn to admit they needed each other."

"She's not wrong there." Jay chuckled "We're pretty damn stubborn."

Erin didn't respond, her eyes focused on Kim as she kept speaking "I actually found a video of that night, Nadia wanted me to record her declaration so that, as she put it 'When those two knuckleheads finally get married, I have photographic evidence that I was right!' So, I would like to share it with you all, if the bride wouldn't mind."

Erin nods quietly, her whole body frozen as she waits for the projector screen behind Kim to turn on.

" _Hi Erin! Hi Jay! I'm assuming it's Jay that you married because if not, well, this is a really awkward video to be showing at your wedding to another dude."_ Nadia laughs as she stands in the living room of the apartment.

Erin smiles at that; Nadia always had a sense of humour. It was one of Erin's favourite things about her.

" _So Kimmy here-"_

 _"That's not my name!"_ Kim groans drunkenly.

Nadia scowls, waving her hand in dismissal _"Oh hush Kimmy! Anyways, as I was saying before I was so_ rudely _interrupted, Burgess and I decided to make you a wedding video! Because, let's be real, you_ know _you're marrying Halstead. No one else can handle your crazy ass long enough to put a ring on it Lindsay."_

There's a soft laughter heard around the room, all their guests enjoying Nadia's commentary.

" _So basically, this video is proof that in the year 2015 I, Nadia Decotis, am the first person to say that Jay Halstead and Erin Lindsay will one day get married. Because honestly Erin, you two belong together. I've never seen two people that are more right for one another. You two are partners, in_ every _sense of the word. You know how the other operates, not just in work, but in life. You're so crazy about it and right now, the two of you are so blind to it! You think it's some stupid sexual attraction thing, but it's so much more Erin. It's like … Your hearts were made only to love each other."_

Kim snorts behind the camera _"That's so cheesy."_

Nadia rolls her eyes in response _"Shut up, she knows I'm right! Come on Lindsay, don't prove me wrong! I expect to be dancing at yours and Halstead's wedding as you're watching this video. Love you!"_

There's some drunken giggles from both the girls as Nadia stumbles towards Kim, asking her if she got the video, before the video stops. Frozen on Nadia's smiling face. Erin's vision is blurry from the tears that sit in her eyes, but she can still Nadia's face glowing back at her. She had such a bright life within her, Erin would never truly be able to let go of the injustice; that Nadia's life was cut so short for no real reason. She was a pawn in Yates' game, and she didn't deserve that.

"Like I said, Nadia had the perfect words to summarise what I wanted to say. As cheesy as it may have sounded, your hearts were made for one another. We've all seen the love you two share; it's so special. So unique. You two are made for each other, and I know you're going to be together for the rest of your lives. And that's not to say that you haven't had any hard times, or that you won't have any in the future; but you two are strong, and you've faced worse, you can get through anything together. I truly believe that."

Kim sniffles, wiping at her eyes before raising her glass "So, from Nadia and I, to you. Erin and Jay; here's to a life of happiness and love."

Once again, everyone raises a glass and gives a "cheers!" to the couple. Erin stands up as Kim walks back to sit next to her, hugging the woman to her.

"Thank you for that Kim. You have no idea how much that meant to me."

Kim hugs her back "Of course, I'm glad you two found your way back to each other. Nadia would be happy for you."

Erin wipes the tears that keep falling, smiling at Kim "You really are my best friend Kimberly Burgess."

"And you're mine, Erin Lindsay."

* * *

"Today was perfect." Jay mumbles into Erin's hair as they dance "I don't think anything will ever top this."

Erin's leaning her head against Jay's chest while they dance, Emma sleepily seated on his left hip as the three sway on the dance floor together.

"Nothing?" Erin says, eyebrow raised in question.

Jay smiles down at her "I got my dream girl. This is all I ever wanted; the three of us, for life. Nothing could ever top this." He says confidently.

Erin gives him a shy look "What if I told you it wasn't just the three of us?"

Jay looks at her confused for a moment, before it registers "Oh right, I forgot. The four of us. Can't forget your first baby Benson." He jokes rolling his eyes.

Erin laughs softly "Well you're right, Benson is my baby. But including him, then I have to correct myself to the _five_ of us."

Jay's eyes widen as he registers what she's saying. His eyes look down at her stomach before he meets her eyes again "You mean? Are you? You're pregnant?"

"Yes Jay, I'm pregnant. We're having a baby. You get to be a daddy again." Erin says giddily.

Jay's smile is so wide, Erin's worried he's going to break his jaw "You're pregnant? I thought …"

"The chance was so small, even the doctor was surprised. But she confirmed it, we're having a baby."

"We're having a baby. We're having a baby!" Jay exclaims holding Erin to him, kissing her fiercely.

Erin pulls away after a minute, smiling up at him "Thank you Jay. Thank you for never giving up on us, on me. Thank you for giving me a family."

"You gave me a family too Erin. I'm so grateful we found our way back to each other. I'm thankful every day for you. I love you so much Erin Halstead."

Erin smiled wider at his use of her new last name; the same name he and their daughter shared. The same name their second child would share.

"I love you too Jay Halstead."

 **A/N: Okay so I feel like this was a bit of a cheesy ending, but there's still another epilogue chapter to come! I'll try and end that one a bit better lol**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed this! I know some may be disappointed there were no vows but the chapter is 5500 words long I had to take some things out, but I have a plan to slip them in next chapter so you might get to see them then.**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you thought! Reviews were a bit low last chapter so hopefully you're all still there? Only one more chapter to go!**

 **Also, shoutout to my bestie Laura - who's name was the inspiration for the DCFS worker. Thanks for being my soundboard for this whole story, but especially this chapter x**

 **Maddie :)**


	32. You Were Good (Part 1)

**A/N: You guys are absolutely amazing. I love every review you leave me, thank you so much for the support with this story. I can't believe we've finally reached the end!**

 **So, I know I said this would be the last chapter BUT this finale chapter is actually so long (Almost 30,000 words!) that it's been split up into TWO PARTS! So, this is 'Epilogue 3, Part 1' and I'll post part two on Monday :)**

 **Enjoy!**

 _3 years later_

"Emma Kimberley Halstead!" Erin yells "If you don't get your tiny tush down here in ten seconds, we're not going to the park!"

Jay chuckles as he watches his wife standing at the doorway to their house, her hand rubbing up and down her 9-month pregnant belly as she held Benson's leash in her other hand. Their baby was due to arrive anytime over the next two weeks; the past eight months had flown by since Erin told him at the wedding that they would be having a second child, and Christmas was quickly approaching.

"I can't find my pink shoes mama! I am _not_ leaving without them!" Emma yells from upstairs.

Erin groans at her daughter's sassy behaviour, and Jay laughed even more.

"They're in the-" She begins to yell but suddenly bends over, clutching her stomach and gasping for air.

Jay races over to her, placing a hand over hers on her stomach and rubbing her back with his other hand.

"You alright?" He asks alarmed.

"Your daughter is determined to make me crazy." Erin says, standing straight and resting her head against his chest, clutching her hand to her stomach "Ugh, and your other child is kicking up a storm."

Benson began to whine, upset that he was being made to sit still instead of running around outside "And now your dog's upset too."

"Oh, so when they're annoying you, they're _my_ kids. _My_ dog. But when they're all cute and cuddly, suddenly you want to claim them?" Jay says amused.

"You're right, Benson's always mine." Erin smirks "But you _know_ she gets her stubbornness from you." Erin points out.

Jay smirks as he kisses the top of Erin's head "True. Go wait in the car, keep our daughter comfy. I'll go help our other daughter find her shoes."

"God I love you." Erin smiles up at her husband "And you know it's going to be a boy."

"We'll see. I love you too." Jay says kissing the top of her head "I'll see you in a few minutes."

Erin nodded before heading out the door and to the car. Jay watched her out the window, making sure she had gotten into the car safely and hadn't fallen in the snow. Jay smiled as he watched her tighten her coat around her growing belly, protecting their baby growing inside of her body as Benson walked patiently beside them.

' _She's going to be a good mother. She already is.'_

Jay turned from the window and headed up the stairs to his daughter's bedroom. He entered the room and spotted his almost four daughter sitting in the middle of the room, her shoes all scattered over the floor.

"Emma Halstead, what is this mess?" Jay said in his stern, fatherly voice.

Emma looked up at him with the biggest eyes she could, her blue irises looking into his own.

"I can't find my shoes daddy! I _have_ to wear my pink shoes, it's park day!" Her eyes quickly filled with tears and Jay felt his heart ache for his daughter.

She was Daddy's little girl, and Jay would proudly admit that he would do anything for his daughter. He gave her a gentle smile and leaned down, tapping her nose.

"Well, if you had asked me or mama before pulling all your shoes out of the closet that your mama took so long to make up for you, then I could've told you they were in the laundry. You left them in there after we went to see Grandpa Hank last week, remember? Mummy put them on the shelf so they would dry."

"Oh." Emma said, her cheeks flushing "I'm sorry Daddy."

Jay gave her a kind smile "That's okay, go put your shoes on bub. And when we get back, you got to promise to put all your shoes away with me, okay? Mama can't do it with the baby, we got to help her, okay?"

Emma smiled brightly nodding her head before shooting up and racing into the bathroom to grab her favourite sneakers, the one's her mother had gotten her for her first day of preschool. It always warmed Jay's heart knowing that was the reason why she cherished them so much; because of the fact they were a gift that her mum had given to her.

Erin and Emma's bond had been strong since day one, and Emma had grown more protective of her mother since she had ' _Chickie'_ in her belly – Emma deciding on that nickname because ' _Baby Halstead is too long Daddy, baby needs a special name. And I like the chickies!'_ she had justified, Erin and Jay having taken Emma to a petting zoo a few weeks after they had first told her about the baby, and the little girl instantly falling in love with the baby chicks that were there.

"I'm ready Daddy!" Emma giggled running back into her room, tapping her shoes together as she bounced in place.

Jay stood up, walking over to Erin "Alrighty Em, let's get going. And you make sure you apologise to your mother for your behaviour." Jay said sternly.

"I will, promise." Emma smiled brightly, rushing down the stairs, her father trailing behind her.

* * *

Erin sat at the picnic table, watching Emma and Jay play on the swings. Despite the cold Chicago weather and ice on the ground, Emma had insisted on going on the playground with her Daddy. Jay had agreed, not being able to deny his little girl anything, but told her they could only use the swings since that was the only thing safest in this weather.

A takeaway cup of hot chocolate sat between Erin's heads, taking a sip and letting the beverage warm her. She smiled, enjoying the sweet tasting drink. She felt a sharp pain shoot through her back, her stomach clenching, and she rested one hand against her belly.

"Sorry bub, I guess the sugar's making you excited, hey?" She whispered looking down at her stomach.

She felt the pain rush through her body again and she let her cup go, her hands flat against the table as she tried to breathe. The pain was growing stronger that it had been over the past day; Erin had thought it was just the baby outgrowing his or her living space, until now.

' _You're being ridiculous. Your due date isn't for another week-and-a-half.'_ She tried to reason with herself.

The pain subsided, and Erin sighed in relief. She closed her eyes and her head fell back as she stretched out her back, relaxing once more. Her feeling of content was broken when she felt a hand tapping her leg, looking down to see her daughter standing by her side.

"Em? What are you doing here, where's Daddy?" Erin asked concerned.

"The lady took him mama, make her give him back!" Emma whined sadly.

Erin's heart raced, panic setting in as she looked around for her husband. The protective mother in her, paired with her inner police detective, were both making her even more anxious. She scanned the park, seeing Jay talking to a woman near the swings he had been playing with Emma on.

She narrowed her eyes as she took in the woman's appearance; tall, brunette, her fur-lined winter jacket left open at the top to show off her cleavage. Erin scoffed at the woman's blatant attempt at flirting with her husband as she pulled Emma up so she was sitting next to her, tucked into her side.

"Mama, tell the lady to give me back my Daddy!" Emma cried leaning into her mother.

Erin stroked her hand over her daughter's hair, squeezing her tighter into her side "Don't worry honey. Let's wait a minute, I'm sure Daddy will let the lady know that he would much rather play with you."

Emma looked up at Erin, a doe-eyed expression on her face "What if she takes him from me mama?"

Erin felt her heart break at her daughter's words. Ever since Emma was old enough to comprehend that Erin and Jay were her 'second parents', she had always been worried when they would go to New York to help Olivia or Jane with their cases, or if they went out with their friends, that they wouldn't come back. And she would be given to new parents.

Erin leaned down, her nose grazing her daughter's "Daddy loves you Em. He wouldn't let some silly lady take you from him. Your Dad's coming back, he's just going to nicely tell the lady that. Okay?"

She looked to the side, seeing Jay standing uncomfortably across from the woman, trying to find a way to exit the conversation without sounding like an asshole.

' _Jay Halstead. Ever the gentleman.'_

"Okay." Emma said quietly, not 100% sure.

Erin kissed the tip of Emma's nose and smiled down at her "I love you, bug."

"I love you too mama." Emma said wrapping her arms around her mother as best she could.

Erin smiled at the gesture, before she felt another shooting sensation seize her body, and she let out a whimper. Emma pulled back, alarmed at her mother's pained expression.

"I'm sorry mama! Did I hurt you and Chickie?" She asked, tears filling her eyes.

Erin gritted out a breath, reaching out and taking her daughter's hand "No, you didn't do anything Em. The baby just doesn't like being stuck in my belly anymore, so Chickie is kicking really hard to let me know that he or she is ready wants to come out." Erin explained, the pain winding down.

Emma frowned, leaning down so her mouth was directly against Erin's stomach "Chickie! You can't hurt mama, ask nicely!"

"You're such a good sister Emma, Chickie is going to love you so much." Erin said laughing at her daughter's words to her little sibling.

Her laughter was cut short when she felt a short, sharp, pain. And then suddenly, a warmth. She felt her thighs warm and looked down, lifting the bottom of her coat to see the wet patch that had soaked her pants.

"Shit." She mumbled, looking up for Jay.

He was still standing talking to the woman, looking uncomfortable as ever, especially when she reached her hand over to rest on his arm. Erin felt her inner jealous wife light up, infuriated that any other woman would be so obviously flirting with a married man. With _her_ married man. She picked up her phone and selected her first speed dial, groaning in frustration when she heard Jay's phone buzzing in her bag; he had left it with her in case it fell out of his pocket while he was playing with Emma.

"Emma, I need you to do something for mummy please." Erin asked looking down at the little girl, who nodded eagerly.

Jay groans internally as he listens to the woman speaking to him. He peeks a glance over his shoulder as he sees Emma sitting next to Erin. The two were looking at each other, huddled close as if they were telling one another a secret. Jay smiles, glad his daughter made it safely to her mother, turning back to the woman.

He keeps zoning out, he can't help it. She's just so _boring._ He thought this would end once he got married, but apparently a little old wedding ring does nothing to deter the women and men that hit on him and his wife.

"So what do you do?" She asks.

Jay gives her a polite smile "I'm a detective with the 21st District ma'am."

The brunette smiles salaciously, her hand coming up to rest on Jay's bicep "Please, call me Heather."

He has to will himself not to roll his eyes at her blatant flirting. He hears his daughter's voice behind him and cheers inside, knowing Erin's sent her to save him from this interaction.

"Daddy! Mama needs you!" Emma calls as she runs towards her father, Jay turning around and swooping her up into his arms.

"Em, I've told you not to run when it's wet! You could've hurt yourself." Jay scolded his daughter.

"Sorry Daddy." Emma smiled guiltily, looking up at her father.

"She's just precious." Heather interrupts "She gets her good looks from her father."

Jay scowls at the woman's dig at his wife "Actually, she's got her mother's looks through and through. They're both beautiful girls with beautiful souls."

Heather tries to hide her eye-roll before smiling back at Jay, but he sees her.

"Mama said the baby's coming Daddy!" Emma says looking at her father.

Jay smirks to himself as he looks over at his wife across the park. She's hunched over, like she always was when they did this bit. She faked her labor countless times to get them out of situations lately, particularly when they didn't want to talk to someone. He couldn't help the little laugh that escaped his lips when he realized she had dragged their daughter into their act; Emma would _not_ be pleased when she realized she would still have to wait a few more weeks before the baby would really be here.

"Daddy, it's a 'mergency!" Emma says, pulling her father's attention back "We gots to go!"

Jay smiled at his daughter's words, her communication skills not perfect just yet. Jay nodded at Emma, holding her tighter as he began to walk off, leaving Heather standing alone.

He's smiling brightly as he bounces his daughter in his arms, her happy laughter filling his ears and warming his heart. They make it back to the picnic table Erin's sitting within a minute, Jay placing Emma down on the ground as he smiles at his wife.

"Good thinking sending the kid, although faking labor with her might not be a good idea when she realizes. But it was kind of worth it, I was about to lose my mi-"

"Jay." Erin's pained voice cut him off "It's not a joke this time. The baby's coming."

Jay paced back and forth between the vending machine and the seat Emma was in, waiting for Kim and Adam. He had called them, as well as Voight, to let them know Erin was in labor.

They had stopped by the house to pick up Erin's 'Go-bag' and to put Benson in the backyard, before they were racing to the hospital; It was times like this that Jay was thankful they had the sirens on the Sierra.

Voight was stuck in disciplinary meetings, due to an incident that had happened on their last case, but he had assured Erin and Jay he would be there as soon as possible.

Kim and Adam were on their way, having to wait for Kim's mother to come over to look after Christian.

Jay had wanted to stay with Erin, but she had insisted that he stay with Emma. She knew their daughter would be worried about her and the baby, and she didn't want her to be alone in the staff room until Will could see her, or until Kim and Adam arrived.

"Daddy." Emma said tiredly "You're making me dizzy."

Jay stopped his movements and looked over at his daughter, who was fighting to keep her eyes open. He walked over to Emma and picked her up, sitting down and placing her comfortably in his lap so she could rest. She hadn't gotten to have her nap after their visit to the park, and he knew she must be tired.

"I'm sorry bug. Why don't you have a nap while we wait for Aunt Kim and Uncle Adam? I'll be right here."

Emma rooted her head against Jay's chest, her hands wrapped around her Dad's neck as she let out a tired breath "Mama and Chickie are going to be okay, aren't they?"

Jay smiled at his daughter's concern. She was already so protective of her little sibling, and her mother. Jay kissed the top of her head as he slowly rubbed her back.

"They're going to be absolutely fine Em. Now go to sleep, the sooner you go to sleep the sooner you'll wake up and meet your baby brother or sister."

Emma nodded her head against Jay's chest as she let her tiredness consume her "Love you Daddy."

Jay felt his heart swell as her words "I love you too bug."

A few minutes later he heard Emma's breathing even out and he knew she was asleep. He closed his eyes enjoying the weight of his daughter asleep on his chest, savoring the quiet moment between them. Because soon, it wouldn't be this quiet.

And it wouldn't be the three of them anymore.

"Jay!" His eyes snapped open when he heard his name being called.

Kim and Adam rushed into the waiting room, Jay standing to meet them.

"How's she doing?" Adam asked as he took Emma from Jay's arms.

"The doctor came in about half an hour ago; She's only a centimeter dilated so far, they reckon she'll be in labor for a while. What took you guys so long? I called like an hour-and-a-half ago."

"There was a pile-up. A truck flipped, and we got trapped in the traffic." Kim explained "It doesn't matter now. Go check on Erin, let her know we're here if she needs anything."

Jay nodded "Thanks guys."

Jay placed a kiss in Emma's hair before racing out of the room, heading to the reception to find out what room Erin had been checked into. The nurse lead him to room 408, and Jay walked in to see his wife groaning in pain as she clutched the railing on either side of her bed.

"Er, it's alright baby. Deep breaths." He said rushing to her side.

Erin lets out another low groan "I hate you so much right now."

"I know. I'm sorry babe." Jay says moving her hair out of her face.

"You're never knocking me up again Halstead. I changed my mind, we're not having any more kids." Erin bites out.

Jay chuckles softly "We'll see."

She lifts her head off the pillow to glare at him, and Jay smiles sweetly, knowing not to joke with her in this moment.

"Okay Erin, let's focus on your breathing." The nurse interrupts "The contraction is almost over, see?" The nurse, Eleanor, points to the monitor and explains to Jay and Erin how they can see when the contraction starts and stops, so that Jay can help her through it while the nurses are tending to other patients.

"Now, did you want an epidural? The doctor can administer one for you within the next half-an-hour or so, luckily there's not too many labors at the moment so he's only got two other patients before you."

Erin shakes her head furiously "No, I don't want any drugs."

"Are you sure? Labor can be quite strenuous, especially for new mothers. Add that to your pre-existing conditions and-"

"NO!" Erin screamed, looking up at Jay "I'm not doing it. I don't want it."

Jay kissed the top of her head, holding her as close to him as he could in an effort to calm her down. He looked up at the nurse as he continued to rub Erin's back.

"My wife has a past with substance abuse. Doctor Greene explained to us that it's highly unlikely the epidural would affect her recovery, but she doesn't want to risk it."

Eleanor nodded "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to push. A lot of new mothers say no at first, only to change their minds and it being too late. I just wanted to make sure."

Erin looks up at the older lady, her eyes showing nothing but kindness as she looked at Erin. It was something she rarely saw when people found out about her past.

"It's okay, but I won't be changing my mind." Erin says calmly.

"Okay, well if you need anything else just press the blue button on your remote Erin. Otherwise, I'll see you in about 45 minutes to check how you're progressing."

"Thank you Eleanor." Jay says as she walks out.

Eleanor walked out, leaving the couple alone for the first time since Erin had gone into labor. Jay pulled up a chair and sat down next to Erin's bed, holding her hand in his as she sat up, trying to get in a comfortable position.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jay asked.

"Jay…" Erin warned.

He simply shrugged in response "Er, I know why you don't want to do it. I just want to make sure. You know I won't judge you, whichever you decide."

"I know." Erin said softly "It's not just about my addiction. This baby is a miracle Jay, me being pregnant and carrying the baby this far is a miracle. And you remember what Doctor Greene said … I just want to remember every detail of this experience. I don't want to be so out of it from the drugs that I barely remember giving birth to our child."

Jay sighed, not knowing what to say. Doctor Greene's words played in his head on a constant loop most days anyways.

" _The chances of you being able to carry again are very unlikely Erin, and I wouldn't recommend it either. There are too many risks already with your condition; the amount of scar tissue that you have and the damage to your uterus from the accident was a lot. Your body may not be able to withstand the trauma that comes with childbirth. It's a beautiful process, yes, but it's also very much a life-threatening one for someone in your position. I'm not trying to scare you two, but I want you to be aware of everything that's happening. Of what carrying this baby, or any future children, could mean for you."_

He had been terrified that day; of losing their baby, of losing Erin. He couldn't imagine his life without her, and he didn't think either of them would ever be able to truly recover from the pain of losing their child.

Erin squeezed Jay's hand, pulling him out of his thoughts, and smiled down at him.

"I'm going to be okay, Jay."

"I know." He whispered bringing their joined hands to press against his lips "I'm just nervous."

"I am too, but it's going to be okay. We've come this far Jay, I have to believe that everything is going to be fine. The universe would be too cruel to rip it all away from us now." She joked.

Jay gave her a small smile, not wanting to ruin her surprisingly upbeat mood. They were both realists – although Adam would always argue that their realism was more pessimistic than anything else – and he knew that the situation could take a turn at any point. But Erin was going to be hopeful, and so was he.

It had been 18 hours, and Erin was exhausted. She was dilated 4 centimeters, and the process felt agonizingly slow. Jay had been by her side the entire time, sending Adam and Kim home with Emma after Erin had reached the fifth hour of labor, promising to call the couple when Erin was closer to giving birth so they could bring Emma and Christian to the hospital with them to meet the newest Halstead.

"Hi Erin." Their Ob-Gyn, Doctor Jessica Greene, entered the room with Natalie "How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been in labor for the better half of the day." Erin grumbled as she lay on her back so Doctor Greene could examine her.

"Hey Nat, what are you still doing here? I thought you shift ended at 5:00?" Jay asked as he hugged his sister-in-law, noting the time on the clock. _7:00pm._

"I figured I'd stick around for a little bit, see if you guys needed anything. Amy and Owen are so excited to meet their baby cousin." Natalie replied.

Jay smiled at that, knowing that his daughter was at Kim and Adam's house also waiting excitedly for her parents to call and tell them it was time to meet her baby brother or sister.

"6 centimeters, Erin." Doctor Greene said suddenly, sharing a look with Natalie.

"What's wrong?" Jay asked, seeing the way Natalie's face fell slightly.

Doctor Greene stood, taking off her gloves before fixing the blanket that was over Erin's legs "When a first-time mum has been in labor for 20 hours or longer, it's what we call a 'prolonged labor'. It basically means that your labor is taking a bit too long, and the risks for both you and baby get higher the more we wait."

"So, what does that mean for Erin and the baby?" Jay asks.

"It means we start looking at the possibility of a caesarean delivery." Natalie says.

Erin's eyes widen "A C-section? No, I want to deliver the baby naturally, you said we could!" She cries.

Doctor Greene sits on the edge of her bed "I did Erin, your body showed no signs that you couldn't give birth safely, but this changes things. The longer it takes for your cervix to be fully dilated, the greater the risks for both you and the baby."

"You said the likelihood of me ever delivering another baby was slim to none. This is my one chance to do this Doctor Greene. Please."

"We've still got a few hours, Natalie's going to get you up and help you walk around and do a few exercises which should help accelerate your labor that little bit. But Erin, if you're not at 10 centimeters in the next two hours, I'm sorry but I will have no choice but to perform a C-section. Do you understand?"

Erin nodded, reaching out her hands to Jay "Then you better get me out of this bed."

Natalie helped her out of the bed, and they started slowly walking out of the room. Jay watched them, wanting to give Erin some independence; he would be there either way.

"She's a stubborn woman, your wife." Doctor Greene said standing beside Jay.

Jay smiled "She's strong. She can do this. She can do anything Doc."

"I really hope so Jay." Dr Greene says softly.

Erin was leaning against the exercise ball when Doctor Greene came in two hours later. Erin had moved up to 8 centimetres dilated half-an-hour ago when Doctor Greene had last come in.

Erin had done everything possible to induce her labor; from nipple stimulation to rocking back and forth on the exercise ball. She was incredibly frustrated and Jay could tell. He was by her side the entire time, and Erin was extremely grateful for it; everytime she felt like giving up, Jay was right there beside her, encouraging her to keep going. To fight for the childbirth that she had envisioned.

"Well Jay, it seems you were right." Doctor Greene said smiling "Your wife can do anything."

"You mean…" Erin trailed off tiredly.

Jay smiled and kissed Erin as the doctor spoke "You're 10 centimetres dilated Erin. It's time."

Jay took a deep breath as he washed his hands, the nurse behind him tying his scrubs up at his neck. Doctor Greene had insisted that Erin be in the one of the maternity ward delivery rooms instead of her hospital room, in case there were any complications that meant they had to deliver the baby caesarean.

"Are you ready?" The nurse asked as she patted Jay's shoulder, letting him know she was finished tying his scrubs.

Jay took another breath, waiting a moment before nodding his head. He was nervous, he hadn't done this before. They had missed a lot of firsts with Emma, and this was one of them. Neither were truly ready for what was to come.

But Jay knew that no matter how nervous he was, he was even more excited to meet his second child. He knew that he and Erin would figure it out along the way, just like they always did.

"I'm ready, let's go." Jay said following the nurse into the delivery room.

"Ok Erin, one more push and you can meet your baby" Doctor Greene ordered from her position.

Erin had been in delivery for half-an-hour, Jay by her side holding her left leg under her knee while the nurse held her right.

"I can't. It's too much." She cried.

She was exhausted. And it hurt. So. Damn. Much. Jay felt his heartbreak seeing his wife in such pain, her eyes were red from the lack of sleep and her skin was pale. She was almost at her breaking point.

"Erin, baby you can. One more push and we can meet our child. You've worked so hard, harder than I ever could have. I know most men say that they wish they could do this for you, but honestly I don't."

He chuckled when she hit his chest "I just mean that I'm not as strong as you Erin. I wouldn't have lasted as long as you have. I wouldn't have fought for what I wanted like you did. I would've just taken the easier way, but you fought hard. And I know that you're tired, and that it hurts, but I know you can do this Erin. You have more strength inside of you than anyone I've ever met."

Erin managed a small smile up at him, this man who had been by her side. Who loved her with every fibre of his being. He made her believe in herself every day. And he was right, she could do this. She had to.

She took a deep breath. "Okay."

Jay smiled and kissed the top of her head as Doctor Greene spoke "Okay, on the next contraction I need you to push Erin. One big push, and your baby will be here.

Erin nodded at the Doctor's words, and the minute she heard her yell "Now!" Erin pushed as hard as she could, gritting her teeth as she tried not to scream, instead focusing her attention and energy on what her body was trying to do. She felt her body stretch even further than she thought was possible and a deep tug within her, then nothing. The pain was gone and she laid back against her bed, Jay and the nurses letting go of her legs so she could relax. And that's when she heard it.

A cry. The first sound of her baby.

And just like that, their lives were forever changed. December

She couldn't believe someone so small had caused her so much pain and could make so much noise.

"Congratulations, it's a girl!" Doctor Greene said as she held the baby up in her hands so Jay and Erin could see her.

"Oh my god." Jay whispered in shock as he looked at his little girl.

Erin looked over at Jay and smiled tiredly her hand weakly coming into contact with his arm "I told you so."

Jay rolled his eyes but couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him. His wife was always right, and she took great joy in that fact.

"She looks beautiful Jay, Erin. I'm just going to tie off the umbilical cord and deliver the placenta."

"Where is she?" Erin asked softly, her voice groggy from exhaustion

"She's coming, the nurses are just cleaning her up." Jay said as he watched the nurses clean up their daughter, checking her oxygen levels and heartbeat, before swaddling her in a little blanket and placing a light pink beanie on her head.

"Here you go, Dad." The nurse said walking over and placing the baby into Jay's arms.

Jay felt his eyes tear up as he held his daughter in his arms. They had another little girl.

And she was perfect.

"She looks like just you Erin." Jay said looking over at her "Erin?"

Erin's eyes were closed, her body still. And then the monitors started beeping wildly. Doctor Greene was yelling and the room was in chaos.

"What's going on?" Jay asks, panic rising as he held his daughter tighter to him.

"She's hemorrhaging. Blood Pressure is dropping, I can't stop this bleeding!"

"Doctor Greene!? What's wrong with my wife!?" Jay yells.

Doctor Greene begins to grab at cloths, placing them under the gown Erin was wearing "Jay, Erin's bleeding a lot more than she should be. It's causing her body to go into shock. I'm going to need to open her up and find the source of the bleeding."

Jay feels like he can't breathe. He can't lose Erin. She promised him it would all work out. That everything would be okay.

"Someone get him out of here!" Doctor Greene yells and a nurse places her hand on Jay's shoulder, trying to guide him out of the room.

"Don't do this to me Erin." Jay says leaning down so his lips are right against Erin's cheek "You promised it would be okay. You can't do this baby, you can't leave us. Please."

"Mr Halstead, I need you to leave. We can't do our jobs with you here, please." The nurse says quietly, trying to lead Jay outside.

"No, I can't leave her!" Jay exclaims "Come on Erin, wake up babe."

"Jay. Jay!" Doctor Greene yells, taking a second to look up at Jay as she tends to Erin "I know you're scared, but you need to trust me. I need you to leave, so I can do my job. I have to take Erin into surgery, and the sooner you get out of here the sooner I can do that. The better chance I have of saving your wife. So please, I need you to leave."

Jay takes another moment, looking from his wife to the doctor and to their newborn child. He nods slowly and reluctantly lets the nurse take him out.

"Don't lose her. I need her, please." Jay says before he's taken out of the room.

"I'll come back with an update as soon as I can, Mr Halstead. We'll need to take your daughter to the maternity ward for a check-up, but I think she'll be okay hanging out with her Daddy for a little longer." The nurse says, giving Jay a kind smile "Doctor Greene is the best in her field here at Chicago Med. She's going to do everything she can to make sure your wife is okay."

Jay nods, feeling numb. He still can't process what's happened. The nurse pats Jay's shoulder before heading back into the room where Erin is.

It feels like he's standing there for hours. He's not sure how much time has passed, but he can feel someone shaking him, and a voice.

"Jay. Jay are you okay?" It's Will.

"Erin." He says, his voice barely audible "Erin."

"I know, Maggie paged me as soon as she got word that Erin was being taken into surgery." Will says, guiding Jay to the seats a few steps away, pushing his brother's shoulders so he sits down.

"I can't- What if i lose her Will?" Jay asks looking at his brother "I can't lose her."

"Hey, don't think like that. It's going to be okay. Erin's a fighter, and she's got the best people in Chicago Med working on her. She wouldn't leave you, or Emma, or this little munchkin here." Will cops looking at the baby in Jay's arms "Hi bub, welcome to the family. Sorry it's so crazy right now."

Jay looks down at his daughter, suddenly remembering that she's in his arms. It shifts somthing in him, the haze of worry alleviating slightly as he focuses on the baby in his arms, and remembers that his daughter will be coming soon with Hank, Kim and Adam. He had called them all when Erin was fully dilated.

"She's going to be okay Jay. You've got to believe that." Will says softly.

"But what if she's not?" Jay presses "I'm doing my hardest to believe she will be, but I have to be realistic here Will. We've got two kids to think about, I promised her I would be practical about this."

Jay looks up at him confused "You guys talked about this?"

"As soon as her pregnancy became high-risk, we agreed that we needed to have a plan. But I … I don't think I can do it without her Will."

"Let's just take it one step at a time, okay? I'll see if I can find out some information on how she's doing, it's been about half-an-hour, surely Maggie will have something to tell me by now." Will says standing "Are you going to be okay here for a little bit?"

Jay nods, looking down at his daughter "Just check on her. Let me know what you find out."

"I'll be back as quickly as I can." Will says before walking off to find Maggie.

Jay sits quietly, rocking the baby back and forth in his arms "Sorry kid, I'm kind of already failing at this Dad thing, huh? I'm just really worried about your mama. She hasn't even gotten to hold you yet. You haven't even got a name."

The baby whimpered, squirming in Jay's arms and he moved her so she was laying against his chest. Her little head was resting comfortably on his shoulders and Jay pat her back gently to relax her.

' _Okay, we've got this. We can hold it together until Erin gets here.'_ He repeats the words in his head like a mantra as the tears threaten to fall ' _Please let Erin be okay. Please don't take her from us.'_

"Daddy!" He's broken from the silence as his eldest daughter's footsteps become louder.

He sees her a moment later, speeding towards him. Jay's eyes widen and he holds out a hand.

"Slow down Emma!" She stops in her tracks and looks nervoulsy back at her grandfather, not used to her father yelling so loudly.

Hank catches up to her, kneeling down beside her "You've got to be careful sweetheart, Daddy's holding the baby. You don't want to hurt Chickie."

Emma's eyes widen and she shakes her head quickly "I'm sorry Daddy, I just want to see Chickie!"

Jay takes a deep breath, forcing his worry down and smiling weakly at Emma "I know bug, I'm sorry for yelling so loudly. Come sit next to me with Grandpa, and you can hold your baby sister."

Emma grins widely and walks the last few steps to her father, Hank helping her up onto the chair and into his lap so he can help Emma hold the baby. Jay manouvers the baby so she's laying in Emma's arms, Hank supporting her head while Emma's little arms fit snugly under the baby's body.

"She's so little!" Emma exclaims in awe "What do I call her?"

Jay feels his heart ache "We haven't given her a name yet, bug. Mama and I will have to pick one together."

' _We were supposed to do that after the baby was born . We were supposed to have time to decide.'_

Emma frowns looking up at Jay "Where's mama?"

"Uh, she got a little hurt when the baby came out of her belly, so the doctor is just helping her feel better. We'll go see her soon." Jay tells her.

' _At least, I think we'll see her soon.'_

Emma seems to accept her Dad's answer, looking back down at the baby that's still in her arms "I think you should name the baby Chickie."

Jay manages a laugh "I don't think she looks like a Chickie, Em."

"I like Chickie." She says determined.

"How about we make that her nickname?" Jay suggests "Then you can still call her Chickie, but Mama and I will pick another name for her too."

"I like that! I have a nickname and a real name too, Daddy. Chickie should have a real name like me too!" Emma says excitedly.

"I like that idea." Hank interrupts, looking at his granddaughter "Do you think I can hold the baby Emma?"

Emma purses her lips, considering her answer, before nodding and letting Hank hold the baby. Emma slips out from under Hank's arms and lets Jay pull her into his lap. Jay holds Emma tight in his arms as she snuggles against his chest, letting out a yawn. Jay looks up at the clock, _10:00pm._ It had been almost an hour since Jay had left Erin in the OR. It was well past Emma's bedtime and he knew she probably hadn't slept yet since she was waiting for Erin to give birth.

She fell asleep quickly in his arms, the exhaustion of the day finally taking over. Jay sat contently rubbing her back and holding her tightly to him, needing the comfort only his children could give him right now while he waited for news on Erin.

"Jay." Adam says soflty as he and Kim finally approach, having waited to the side while Emma met her baby sister and Hank spent some time with his grandchild "What happened to Erin."

Jay looked down at Emma, making sure she was still sleeping before he spoke "She started hemorrhaging after she gave birth. They couldn't find the source, so they had to operate to stop the bleeding. I don't know what's going on right now, but Will's gone to find out. I don't know what the hell is taking him so long."

As if on cue, Will rushed into the room, Natalie by his side "I'm sorry, I had trouble finding Maggie, and-"

"How's Erin?" Jay cut him off "Is she okay?"

"She's still in surgery Jay. They found where she was bleeding from, but they've got to close the wound and clean up all the excess blood that's covering the field. Plus they need to make sure she's delivered the placenta properly and there's nothing else that could cause any issues for her later. It's going to be a little while longer."

"So what does that mean for her? Is she going to be okay?" Jay presses.

Will shrugs his shoulders "I'm sorry Jay, I can't give you a proper answer right now. All I know is that she's stable for now."

"For now." Jay repeats solemnly.

"We can't guarantee that she'll stay that way, but Doctore Greene is doing the best she can. It's just a waiting game."

Jay leans back in his chair, holding onto Emma tighter as she moves around in his arms trying to find a more comfortable position. Jay feels something against his arm and he turns to see Hank leaning over, the baby now in Kim's arms.

"She's a fighter Jay, she'll get through this."

"She can't die Hank. I can't- we haven't- We haven't had any time." Jay's voice cracks, the thought of losing the love of his life overbearing "I can't lose her again, not like this."

Hank nods, understanding what Jay means. He and Erin had lost one another many times in their lives; When Nadia passed and Erin pushed Jay away, when Jay was dealing with the aftermath of Abby's appearance and pushed Erin away, when Erin left Chicago and Jay, when she returned and Jay kept her at a distance to protect his heart.

They had been through so much in the past three-and-a-half years since Erin had first returned back to Chicago on assignment, and Hank's heart ached at the thought that this was how their story could end. Unfinished. Ended before it even really had the chance to begin.

"She's a fighter Jay." Hank repeats "She has too much to lose. You have to believe that she's coming back to you. When Camille was sick, the only thing that gave me strength was the thought that one day she'd get to come home, and we'd all get to live happily as a family again. And she would be okay. You have to believe in Erin's spirit, in her strength."

"I know. I'm just …. Scared." He says softly "But she's strong. She'll get through this, just like she always does."

Hank smiled softly "I'm going to get us some coffee, we're going to be needing it."

"Hank, thank you." Jay said as his father-in-law stood up.

Hank simply nodded before walking down to the cafeteria, passing Adam and Kim who sat further down with the baby and Christian in each other their arms. Jay watched his baby sleeping peacefully in Kim's arms as he felt Emma's soft breath against his t-shirt as she slept.

Two of his girls were safe, now he was just waiting on the third.

' _Please let her be okay. Please don't take her from me. Don't take her from her daughters. We need her.'_

He repeated the words in his head, waiting with baited breath for someone to come and tell him his wife was fine.

' _She's a fighter. She's coming to me. She's going to be okay. She's not leaving.'_

" _You Were Good,_

 _You Were Good..."_

* * *

 _Four years later …_

Jay woke up slowly, a rare occurence in the Halstead household. He opened one eye, seeing the clock on his bedstand reading _7:30._ He looked behind him at the empty bed, letting out a sigh. Today was going to be hard.

He stood slowly and stretched, feeling his body ache from last night's events; Adam and Kim had invited both Halstead families to come with them to an indoor trampoline park, a celebration for Christian's birthday.

Christian had just turned 5, about to start his first year of school. Adam and Kim were now pregnant with their second _and_ third child, both girls who would be arriving in six months time; September 18th.

Jay exited the bedroom, smiling as he saw all the photo frames that littered the walls on either side of the hallway. Pictures of both his daughters, of their friends and family. Jay stopped as he looked at the photo of him and Erin on their wedding day. The photo had been taken without them knowing, and it had captured the moments after Erin had told Jay they would be having another child. His hand was resting on her flat stomach, his lips on hers, Emma in one of each of their arms as they embraced. It was the perfect picture of them in their own bubble of happiness.

He missed her so much, especially today.

"Stop! Chickie!" And just like that his bubble was burst.

Jay quickened his steps as he headed downstairs and into the living room where his daughters were seated, Emma on the verge of tears as she clutched her hands to her chest protecting whatever was in them from her little sister.

"What's going on here?" Jay said as he leaned down to pick up his youngest daughter "Em, did you take your sister out of her crib? How many times have I told you not to do that, you could hurt her or yourself."

Emma rolls her eyes "I'm a big girl Daddy! Besides, she wouldn't stop whining."

Jay shakes his head, focusing back on the task at hand "Why were you yelling Emma?"

"She took my necklace! Mama gave me that, it's not hers!" Emma cried.

Jay felt his heart ache at his daughter's upset. It was always hardest on days like this, when Erin wasn't here for the big moments. He knew Emma missed her mother even more on days like this. But unfortunately, it couldn't be avoided.

"Emma, you know you sister didn't mean to. She's still little, she doesn't understand that it's special to you, she just wants it because it's shiny and pretty." Jay says leaning down so he's at her eye-level.

Emma nods, looking down at the necklace in her hands "I know Daddy. But she got drool all over it, and now it's dirty!"

Jay gave her a sympathetic smile and took the necklace from her "I can wash it for you Emma, it'll be good as new. How about you go get ready while I clean it and get breakfast ready? We can't be late for your first day of school now, can we?"

Emma's eyes widened "No way! It's big school Daddy!"

Jay laughed as he watched his daughter race up the stairs to her bedroom to get ready for the day. Her first day of school. His baby girl was growing up fast, and Erin wasn't there to help him through it. He felt his youngest daughter squirm in his arms and he looked down at her.

"At least I still have you, you're not leaving me just yet right?" He said, smiling wider when she kissed his cheek.

Jay walked into the kitchen, placing the waffle pan on the stove in preparation for breakfast before starting the coffee machine while his one-year-old sat in her high chair playing with the mashed banana Jay had given her.

He got to work on washing the necklace like he promised Emma, drying it off and opening the locket to see the photo of him and Erin that sat on one side, a picture of Emma and her sister on the other side.

He was distracted by a knock at the door, and quickly set the necklace down on the **windowsill** before walking the short distance to the front door, already knowing who it would be.

"Hank, I told you not to co-" He began as he opened the door, but was cut off by a pair of arms wrapping around him, and a pair of lips connecting with his.

He felt his body relax as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly and kissing her back. His hands slipped into her dirty blonde hair as hers ran down his back, the two lost in each other's embrace.

"Da!" A high-pitched yell from the kitchen pulled them apart, and Jay leaned back to see his daughter slamming her hands down on the little table attached to her high-chair, waiting impatiently for her father to return.

"Demanding little thing, definitely gets that from her mother." Jay turns back to look at her smirking at him.

He wraps his arms around her again, feeling the tension from this past week leave his body "What are you doing here?"

"Did you really think I was going to miss our daughter's first day of school? Not a chance."

Jay pulled back and gave her a quick kiss "Thank god you're here Erin. I don't think I could've done this on my own."

Erin smiled up at him "You don't ever have to worry about me not being here Jay. Never."

They heard another squeal behind them and the sound of footsteps "Mama, you're home!"

Erin and Jay broke apart just in time for Erin to scoop Emma up into her arms, kissing her daughter on the cheek "Of course I am, bug! How could I not be here for your first day of school!?"

"Daddy said you weren't going to be home until Wednesday, because Auntie Jane needed your help with a problem." Emma states.

"Well luckily I was super helpful and I fixed the problem for her quickly, so I could make it back in time to take you to school." Erin explained.

Emma smiled, hugging her mother tightly "I'm glad you're here mama."

Erin smiled, squeezing her daughter tightly against her "Me too Em."

"Da! Da!" They heard from the kitchen once more and Jay chuckled, heading in the direction of their other daughter, Erin placing Emma down on the ground so they could follow him."Alright alright, Daddy's coming!"

The minute Erin came into view behind her husband, all thought of Jay was lost and the little girl instantly reached out to her mother. Erin took her daughter out of her high chair and settled her against her hip, using one hand to grab a wet wipe from the pack they kept on the breakfast bar so she could wipe the leftover banana off her child's face.

"And how are you, Evie?" Erin asked as the baby babbled out a non-sensical string of sounds "Wow, sounds like I missed a lot."

Evie giggled at her mother's words, excited that she was playing along with her. Erin sat down at the breakfast bar next to Emma and placed Evie in front of her on the counter, Jay passing her the bowl of banana and a spoon so she could finish feeding Evie.

"You're hungry today Ev." Erin noted as Evie happily ate the spoonfuls of food her mother was feeding her.

"Mama, I have a question." Emma said as she watched Jay begin to make the waffles for their breakfast.

"I've got an answer babe." Erin says eyeing Emma as she focuses on feeding Evie.

"You, me and Chickie all have names starting with 'E'. But Daddy doesn't. How come?" She asks.

Jay smiles as he looks at Erin remembering, the day they chose the name for their second daughter.

"Well, your Dad and I didn't plan it that way. When you came to us, your name was already given to you. We had the choice to change it but we didn't want to."

"Why not?" Emma asks.

"Your other Mum and Dad gave you that name, we didn't think it was fair to change it. It obviously meant a lot to them if they gave you that name. And your name means "whole or universal" and that's how we felt when you came into our lives; whole. You made our family complete bug."

Emma blushes slightly at her mother's complement "Why did Evie get her name?"

Jay interrupted at this point, a plate of waffles in his hand as he took the final on the other side of Emma at the breakfast bar. He turned to face his daughter.

"Do you remember when Evie was born, how your Mum had gotten hurt and the doctors had to help her?" Jay asks, waiting for Emma to nod before continuing "Well I was scared that we wouldn't see Mama ever again, and when the Doctor came out and told me that she was okay, I was so happy."

" _You're not allowed to scare me like that ever again, Erin Halstead. Do you understand me?" Jay said leaning down and kissing his wife "I was so worried, I thought I was going to lose you."_

" _I'm sorry." Erin said softly "I didn't mean to frighten you, I thought I was going to be okay. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I woke up. I felt completely normal until the moment I passed out, just really tired."_

" _It doesn't matter now, you're here and you're going to be okay. And there's someone that wants to meet you." Jay says with a smile._

 _Erin's eyes open a little wider and she manages a small smile "Is she okay?"_

" _She's perfect, just waiting to meet her mama."_

" _Where is she, I want to see her." Erin says frantically._

 _Jay places his hand over hers "She's outside with Hank, hold on a second." He says before disappearing out of the room._

 _Erin reaches blindly for the control remote behind her, adjusting her bed so she's sitting up, wincing as she feels her body protest. The incision from her surgery would take a few weeks to heal, added to the existing pain from pushing a baby out of her body, and it was safe to say she would be sore for a long while._

 _The door opened and Erin looked up as Jay walked back inside, a little pink bundle in his arms. She smiled as he walked closer, placing the baby down in her arms._

" _You got her?" He asks, concerned she might not be strong enough to hold the baby on her own after all her body has been through the past 24 hours._

" _I'm fine." Erin says looking down at the baby in her arms "She's beautiful."_

" _She looks just like her mother." Jays says sitting beside her._

" _She's got her Daddy's eyes though. Halstead blues." Erin says smiling at him._

 _Jay smirks at her "We make pretty cute babies Erin Halstead."_

" _That we do babe. Although she still needs a name." Erin chuckles._

" _I actually had an idea about that while you were under." Jay says timidly._

" _And?"_

" _I was thinking Evie. It's Latin for 'living one' and Hebrew for 'life'. Seems fitting after all we've been through today."_

" _Evie." Erin whispers looking into the baby's eyes "It's perfect."_

" _Jay, Erin, Emma and Evie Halstead."Jay recites, leaning down to kiss the baby's cheek._

Emma looked over to her mum "So Evie got her name because of what it means too?"

"Exactly." Erin nods "And luckily your dad didn't mind all the Halstead girls having 'E' names."

Jay shurgs "We'll make the next one a boy and guve him a name with 'J'. It'll balance out."

"You'll be waiting a while for that to happen Halstead." Erin snorts.

"Are you ready baby?" Erin asks kneeling down in front of Emma, who nods in reply.

They were now standing in the little courtyard outside their classroom, Emma fidgeting with her necklace as she looked down at her shoes.

"Will the other kids like me?" She asks quietly.

Jay taps his daughter's nose gently, causing her to look up at him "They're going to love you. And if you feel nervous, just hang with Christian. He's in your class with you."

Emma looks over to where Christian stands a few feet away, Kim and Adam saying their goodbyes as they prepare to send him into the school.

"We'll pick you up at 3:00 o'clock, okay?" Erin asks "If you want us to come earlier, just ask Mrs Brown and she'll call us."

"I'll be okay Mama, I'm a Halstead." Emma says confidently, the shy little girl they saw a moment ago having vanished.

"That's my girl." Jay chuckles kissing her cheek "I love you bug. You're gonna have so much fun at school."

"I love you too Daddy." Emma says, turning to face her mother.

"I love you Em. Don't be nervous, you're gonna do great." Erin says hugging her daughter tightly until the bell rang "Okay, time to go!"

Kim and Adam came and stood beside them as the four watched their two children walk hand-in-hand into their classroom.

"They're growing up so fast." Adam says quietly.

"I know, it seems like just yesterday we were finding out that Emma was coming to live with us, and now it feels like she's leaving." Erin says sadly.

"It's not goodbye." Kim adamently states.

"Not yet. It'll happen one day though." Jay says quietly, hugging Erin into his side as they watch the two children disappear into their classroom.

" _You Were Good,_

 _You Were Good…"_

* * *

 _8 years later …_

"Jay, you're being unreasonable." Erin says as they enter the house.

"You're being ridiculous! There's no way I'm allowing this." Jay says storming upstairs into their bedroom.

Erin sighs, looking down at the 6-month-old baby strapped to her chest "Your father is an idiot Peanut."

James 'Jamie' Halstead was their third and final child, adopted from a teenage mother who decided that she was not capable of giving her child the life he deserved. He was the final piece to their puzzle.

Jamie giggled at his mother, Erin heading upstairs and into the nursery to lay him down for his nap before walking into their bedroom. She heard the shower running and smirked to herself, stripping her clothes before quietly entering their ensuite bathroom.

Jay jumped at the touch on his back, but instantly relaxed when he felt Erin press up against his back, her arms wrapping around his mid-section "You okay?"

"No. I don't like this at all, Erin." Jay grumbled turning to face her.

"Babe, it's harmless. She's four, it's nothing." Erin said trying to placate him.

"Nothing!? I come home this morning to my 4-year-old daughter telling me she has a boyfriend!" Jay exclaimed "She shouldn't even know what that means!"

"Jay, she spends most of her time with two 10-year-old kids at home, what do you expect her to be learning from them?" Erin replied, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"She's growing up too fast Er, I'm losing her." Jay pouts.

Erin laughs softly "You're not losing her. She still is, and always will be, Daddy's girl. Much like our other daughter."

Jay smiles at that, remembering how just this morning Emma came running into their room at 3am having had a nightmare. Erin offered to lay with her in her bed until she fell back to sleep, but Emma had insisted on snuggling with her Daddy because 'He always scares the monsters mama'.

"They may be growing up, but one thing is for sure. They'll always need their Dad." Erin smiles up at him, running her hands through his hair in an effort to relax him.

Jay closes his eyes, enjoying his wife's ministrations "I hate it when you're right." he groans.

"Yeah, but you love me anyways."

"That I do. Always." Jay says pecking her lips.

"You know … All the kids are out right now. It's the first time we've had some peace and quiet in weeks." Erin says with a cheeky look on her face.

Jay smiles salaciously, wrapping his arms around Erin "I guess we'd better make the most of it." He says turning them around so she's under the water before kissing her hard.

Erin's hands pull his hair and Jay groans against her lips, his hand travelling down her back. Erin can feel herself getting hot and bothered, when suddenly the water turns cold. She lets out a high-pitched shriek as Jay steps back, trying to hold in his chuckle.

"Jay! You asshole!" She yells shoving her husband.

"I'm sorry babe, it was too good an opportunity." Jay says pulling her into his arms again, placing delicate little kisses all along her shoulder, leading up her neck "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah." Erin grumbles letting Jay pull her against him.

"How did I end up with such an amazing wife?" Jay mumbles against her neck

Erin rolls her eyes "You just got lucky."

"No, getting lucky is how I got a daughter." He chuckles when Erin slaps his shoulder "I wouldn't mind getting lucky again though."

"Oh really?" Erin smirks cocking her eye at him.

"Mmhmm." Jay moans leaning down to kiss her lips.

Erin turns them around so he's under the hot water now, his hands once again trailing down her back, down to her ass. He's almost at his goal when he feels her pull away from him. Jay opens his eyes in time to see Erin slipping out of the shower and grabbing her towel, running into the bedroom.

"Er!?" He exclaims sticking his head out of the shower as she giggles.

"Tough luck babe, I guess that cold shower is gonna come in handy now." She yells behind her.

"I still don't like this." Jay grumbles as he sits next to Erin.

"Oh hush. It's harmless!" Erin says nudging his shoulder.

"He's all over her!" He whispers.

Erin rolls her eyes "He's four years old."

"Whatever." Jay pouts as Erin shakes her head at her husband.

"So how did you two meet?" Erin looks up at the woman sitting across from her at the dining table, smiling.

"Jay and I have been working together in 21st District for about … 16 years? But we've only been married for 6 years."

"!6 years? Wow, that's impressive." The woman, Rebecca, said "Jack and I only knew each other a year before we married."

"Erin and I had a few road bumps along the way." Jay said, taking Erin's hand in hers "But we got there in the end."

"Well, that's all that matters then, isn't it?" Jack says from his place next to his wife "I always say the journey doesn't matter so long as you reach the destination."

"Cheers to that." Jay chuckles clinking his coffee mug with the other man's.

"The kids seem to be having a good time together." Rebecca smiles.

Erin smiles too "Yeah, Evie was _so_ excited when she told Jay about her date."

" _Play_ date." Jay adds glaring at Erin.

Rebecca chuckles "Don't worry Jay. Jack was the same when Katherine had her first play date with a boy. She's eight now and he still freaks out anytime Katie mentions Luca."

Jack shrugs "She's my little girl." he simply says.

"Exactly. And one day she'll run off and get married, but that day ain't today." Jay says sternly.

"Yes dear." Erin mutters sarcastically.

Evie and Andrew run over at this point, Jay pulling Evie into his lap while Andrew sits between Rebecca and Jack "Hi Daddy!" Evie says excitedly.

"Hi Chickie." Jay mumbles into her hair.

"Are you guys having fun?" Rebecca asks looking down at her son.

Andrew nods "I love playing with Evie, she's fun."

"Drew's fun too, he can make his eyes go funny!" Evie yells excitedly, laughing as soon as Andrew looks to his nose so both his eyes go inwards.

"Andrew! How many times have I told you not to do that, your eyes are going to get stuck there one day." Rebecca scolds "You know it scares your little brother when you do that."

"He's not here though mum." Andrew replies knowingly.

Rebecca rolls her eyes as Erin laughs "Sounds like the perfect husband for Evie."

Both women laugh as Jay scowls at his wife "What's a hus-bin?" Evie asks.

"It's what the man is called when he gets married baby." Erin explains.

Evie giggles softly "But Drew's not my hus-bin then, Daddy is!"

Erin chokes on the sip of coffee she's taking as everyone laughs at her daughter's statement. Jay looks down at his daughter, his eyes filled with love.

"You can't marry me bub, I'm already married to mama." Jay explains gently.

Evie frowns "But I want to marry you!"

Jay gives his wife a knowing look, Erin watching him suspiciously as he turns back to his daughter and softly says "Maybe one day. Okay?"

"Okay!" Evie smiles happily kissing her Dad's cheek.

Jay chuckles "Why don't you and Drew go play some more? He's got to go home soon."

Evie and Andrew both nod, getting down and running back to the living room where all their toys were spread out. Jay smiles watching his daughter run around with her friend, his heart swelling from her words.

"See?" Erin says leaning on her shoulder "I told you. Daddy's girl."

Jay smiles brighter. Maybe he wasn't losing his little girl after all.

" _You Were Good,_

 _You Were Good …"_


	33. Then You Were Gone (Part 2)

**A/N: Here we are, the final chapter. I can't believe we're finally here!**

 **Thank you so much for everything; I have a sequel planned based on one-shots for this family I've created for Erin and Jay. I'm excited to let you all know when I start it :)**

 **Please excuse the spelling mistakes, it's a long chapter and my eyesight isn't 100% lol**

 **Enjoy!**

 _12 years later ..._

Erin yawned and turned over in bed, coming into contact with the warm body beside her. Jay grumbled in his sleep and subconsciously wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her into his body. Erin smiled, enjoying the rarity of waking up before her husband. Especially today.

Jay rolled onto his back, pulling Erin with him. Erin ran her hand over his cheek, her fingers tingling as his slight stubble scratched against her skin. Erin watched Jay's peaceful face as he slept, enjoying the way he needed to hold her, even in his sleep. She moved slowly, careful not to wake Jay, as she sat up and straddled his waist.

Erin left soft kisses against her husband's lips, cheek and chin. She moved down his neck, sucking on a patch of skin just near his pulse point, hearing him moan as she did so. She heard him mutter something and continued her ministrations as Jay stirred beneath her.

"Hmmmm." he hummed in content and Erin stopped what she was doing to look up at him.

"Good morning." She said in a sing-song voice, leaning down to kiss his lips.

"You're damn right it's a good morning." Jay sighed into the kiss "And what are you up to Mrs Halstead?"

Erin smiled, enjoying Jay's use of her married name. She was rarely called Mrs Halstead, her team still calling her 'Lindsay' to avoid confusion between her and Jay at work.

"I'm just enjoying this fine morning. It's an important one." Erin mumbles as she restarts her previous task, and keeps kissing down his neck.

"It is?" Jay asked, faking confusion.

"Don't you know what today is baby?" Erin said, trailing her hands down his chest and letting her fingertips play with the waistband of his pyjama shorts.

"Tuesday?" Jay said looking down at his wife.

"Jay." Erin said sternly.

Jay smiled "Oh right ... Pizza night."

Erin huffed, letting go of his shorts and moving to slide off Jay's waist, when he suddenly grabbed her hips to keep her in place. He sat up so their faces were within an inch of each other, his nose grazing hers.

"Do you really think I'd forget our anniversary Erin? How could I forget the day all my dreams came true? Jay said kissing her softly.

"Good save." Erin whispered against his lips "You had me worried for a minute there Halstead."

"I was just teasing, babe." Jay says fiddling with the hem of her flanel pyjama top "Now, I think you should get back to what you were doing."

"Oh really?" Erin said as Jay's hands came up to palm her breasts under her shirt, causing her to moan "Jay … It's 7:13."

"And?" He said peppering her skin with kisses.

" _And_ in two minutes, we're going to have all our children in this bed with us. Don't start something you can't finish." Erin says, her voice barely audible.

"Oh I have _every_ intention of finishing this." Jay says pulling her tank top off so he can continue his exploration of kisses down her chest.

Erin's hands rake through his hair, tugging the short strands as he works her over with his mouth. Her head falls back, allowing him greater access to her neck as Jay pulls back to unbutton the pyjama shirt of his that she's wearing.

"Jay…" She moans "Don't st-"

"Mama!" They're interrupted by their son's yelling, and Erin jumps off Jay before he can stop her, pulling her shirt shut as she tried to hurriedly button it back up before their son comes in.

Jay shakes his head as he rushes to the door, holding the handle as he listens to the footsteps that are approaching. He chuckles when he feels the door handle jiggle beneath his hand, followed by a soft banging on the door.

"Let me in!" Jamie whines.

"What are you supposed to do before you're allowed in?" Jay yells from the other side.

He here's a small huff, and then quiet, before there's three soft knocks on the door.

"Who is it?" Jay yells, Erin smiling at her husband's antics.

"Dadddyyyy." Jamie whines "It's me!"

"Who's 'me'? I don't know anyone by that name." Jay continues to goad his son.

"James William Halstead, now _please_ let me in!" his son begs.

Jay looks over at Erin, making sure she's had enough time to fix herself up. She nods at him, telling him to let go of the door and Jay does. Jamie comes barrelling in, colliding with his father's legs.

"Are we going now Daddy!?" Jamie asks excitedly.

Jay scoops his son up in his arms and carries him back to the bed, dropping him down next to Erin before laying on the bed himself.

"Not just yet buddy, we got to wait for Evie and Emma to wake up." Jay says.

"Guess again." Emma says, dragging her feet as she enters the room.

"Where's Evie?" Erin asked.

Emma shrugs "You know her, she sleeps like a dead person. Unlike me, clearly the little brat woke me up."

"Emma Kimberely." Erin scolds "You do not speak about your brother like that."

Emma rolls her eyes, her 13-year-old teenage sass well and truly shining "Well tell him not to wake me up then." She argues squishing herself on the bed next to Jay, who wraps his arm around her so she can rest against him.

"Jame, you know you have to wait for Emma and Evie to wake up on their own. We've still got some time before we go to Wisconsin." Jay says sternly "Emma doesn't like waking up early, you got to be nice to your sisters bud."

"Sorry Daddy." Jamie says softly "I'm just excited."

Erin smiled at the proud look on Jamie's face. He had been learning new words at his pre-k classes, 'excited' being the word for the week. Ever since he had found out that Erin and Jay were taking the kids for the week up to Wisconsin, he had been telling everyone he knew that he was excited about it.

"It's alright buddy, just try and remember next time okay?" Jay says ruffling his hair "I think you owe your sister an apology too."

Jamie crawled over his Dad, Jay groaning as his son's knee came into contact unexpectedly hard with his stomach, laying on top of his older sister "I'm sorry Emmy."

Emma opened one eye, giving Jamie a small smile and wrapping one arm around him tiredly "s'okay Jame. I'm excited for Wisconsin too."

Jay snorts "You could've fooled me, bug."

"Dad." Emma groaned at the use of her childhood nickname "You said you wouldn't call me that anymore."

"I said no such thing. You asked me not to call you that in front of your friends, to which I agreed. I see no friends here." Jay said cockily "Besides, you'll always by my bug, Em. You can't escape it."

Jay kissed the top of his daughter's head and Emma smiled, curling further into her father. She wouldn't admit it, but she liked when her Dad called her 'bug', although it was embarassing in front of her friends. It reminded her that, despite not being biologically related, she would always be Daddy's little girl. No amount of DNA could change that.

Erin smiled as Jamie crawled back over to her, squishing himself between his parents and rolling on his side so he was facing his mother. Jay opened his left arm, allowing Erin to rest her head on it and giving Jamie more space between them. He held her as best he could and Erin kissed his bicep, revelling in the comfort of having most of her family all cuddled up together, knowing Evie would join them when she finally woke up; it wouldn't be like this for much longer. Soon the kids all be grown up, and they wouldn't need to run into their parents room every morning and cuddle into them. She would cherish these moments as long as she could.

…

"Evie! Stop splashing me!" Jamie giggles as his sister runs her hand through the water, spraying droplets at him.

Jay smiled as he watched his two children playing in the lake. Jamie had his floaties on, Evie swimming confidently through the water. The weather had held out for them, the water quite calm, allowing his children to swim freely. Emma was sitting on the dock that ran out from the front yard, her legs dangling in the water as she watched Evie and Jamie, making sure neither of them were in any danger.

"She's a good kid." Erin said behind him, leaning down and wrapping her arms around his shoulders "We got really lucky they all turned out so good."

"I don't know where they got it from, we certainly didn't instill in them to be good people." Jay joked.

"Nah, we taught them to be little hell-raisers. I'm pretty sure this is just a phase. Wait until Emma comes back with a tattoo on her 16th birthday." Erin laughs.

Jay's smile drops at the thought "Not funny. No daughter of mine is getting a tattoo until they're thirty."

Erin let go of Jay, walking to the side so she was facing him, her face held an amused expression "I think you're forgetting about your little secret."

Jay smirks as he pulls her down onto the chair with him; her back resting against his chest and his arms wrapped around her "I got that when I was 35. Therefore, the rule stands."

Erin rolls her eyes at him "I still can't believe you did that." She murmurs, her hand running over the ink on his right bicep.

He had gotten it on his birthday, three months after they had gotten married. Erin still remembers the shock that hit her when she picked him up from the tattoo parlour.

" _Will? It's 3:00am, what the hell are you calling for?"_ _Erin asked tiredly, trying to keep her voice quiet to avoid waking up Emma who was sleeping beside her._

" _Can you come pick us up? Jay won't get in the taxi, I think you're the only one who can get him home at this point." Will says "I would've driven but I've had too much to drink."_

 _Erin sighed, sitting up in bed "Fine, where are you guys?"_

" _Oh, um, you know what? We can just meet you at Molly's, it's fine. I can probably get Jay to walk that-"_

" _Will! I'm almost five months pregnant, I'm tired, I'm hungry and now I'm getting mad. Just tell me where you are so I can come and pick you up!" Erin whisper-yelled, mindful of her daughter next to her._

" _... 1459 West, Irving Park Road." Will said hesitantly._

 _Erin pulled her phone away from her ear to type the address into her maps, her eyes widening as she saw the name of the business there. 'Deluxe Tattoo'._

" _Oh, he is so dead!" She growls before hanging up._

…

 _Erin reached her destination 30 minutes later, eyeing the sign as she stepped out of the car. She had calmed down considerably on the drive here, trying to justify her husband's actions; he was excited, it was his birthday, the boys all made stupid decisions when they were together, he was drunk. She saw her husband sitting outside the tattoo parlour on the floor, with Will, Adam, Kevin and Antonio all standing or sitting beside him._

" _Erin, thank god you're here." Antonio sighed "I tried to stop him, but he was adamant."_

 _Erin shook her head, patting Antonio's shoulder "It's alright, how drunk is he?"_

 _Will shook his head as he approached Erin "He was tipsy before I even met up with them, I dunno how much he, Atwater and Ruzek drank before we got there."_

 _Erin sighed, walking towards Jay as he sat down with his head on Ruzek's shoulder._

" _Erin!" He yelled happily when she was standing in front of him "Hi."_

" _Hi." Erin chuckled leaning down to him "How you feeling?"_

" _Good." He said, elongating the word "I did something."_

" _I know." Erin says._

 _Jay pouts "It was supposed to be a surprise!"_

" _Don't pout, you're worse than our three-year-old." Erin scolds._

" _Are you mad?" He asks quietly._

" _... Depends on what you got."_

 _Jay pulls up his arm, the bandage underneath the cling-wrap hiding the tattoo. Jay whines as he tries to pull the cover off to show his wife what he got, Erin rolls her eyes and takes his hand to get him to stand up. She pulls his arm up so his hand is resting on her shoulder and she methodically begins to remove the wrap. She gasps when she sees the design, tears filling her eyes._

 _ **E.H ~ 23.04.22**_

" _You got my initials?" She whispers looking up at him "That's a big decision."_

" _I'm not going to regret it Erin." Jay says softly, seemingly more sober than he has been the whole night "I love you, and I love our life together. And I never want anything else, or anyone else, for as long as I live. And I want a reminder of the greatest day of my life, permanently."_

" _Jay, this is … I love you." She said suddenly, pulling his face to hers and kissing him._

 _Jay kisses her back, suddenly feeling her tears touching his skin "Erin, are you crying? Baby, what's wrong?"_

" _Damn hormones." Erin says, wiping stubbornly at her tears "I just- I can't believe you did this. I really thought you were going to get something stupid and irresponsible."_

 _Jay chuckles "I may be a bit drunk, but I haven't completely lost my senses."_

"Best decision I ever made. Other than marrying you." Jay says in her ear.

Erin smiles, cuddling into him as they watch their kids "It's a good life. Hard to believe we've already made it 10 years."

"Even crazier to think we met each other for the first time almost 20 years ago. I had no idea just how important you'd become to me, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world."

"Not even all the bad stuff?" Erin asks quietly, her mind drifting back to the painful reminder of their years apart.

Jay turned her in his arms so she was on her side leaning against him, lifting her chin up to look at him "I wouldn't change any of it Erin. It was painful, and so hard that sometimes it felt like I wasn't going to make it out of the dark hole I seemed to have gotten myself in. But it all lead us to here, to this moment. We have the most incredible life together, and despite all the suffering, it's perfect. It's exactly how I imagined our future."

"You're right. This is perfect." Erin leans up and kisses his lips "I love you Jay Halstead."

"I love you too, Erin Halstead. Happy Anniversary baby." Jay smiles, holding her close.

Her eyes wander to their children, Emma now in the lake with her brother and sister, lifting Jamie up and throwing him a little ahead of her so he splashed into the water. Jamie bounced up immediately, his floaties aiding him, and giggled happily. Evie swam up to her sister, asking for Emma to do the same to her, and her sister happily obliged.

The sun was just beginning to set on their first night in Wisconsin. The warm glow relaxing Erin as she lay in her husband's arms. She smiled remembering the first time they had ever spoken about his grandfather's cabin.

" _I'm not living in Northern Wisconsin!"_

" _... I don't remember asking you to."_

She had been dead-set against the idea of ever spending her time in Wisconsin. But Jay had broken her down, begging her to come with him and Emma for a family vacation. The moment she saw her husband and daughter running around the beautiful cabin, she had fallen in love.

And now, ten years later, they were here with their three children and dog. Just like Jay and her had planned. And in that moment, she felt a sense of peace that had evaded her since she was a little girl. A comfort in knowing that, despite all the hardships in her life, she had found the love of her life. A man who treated her well, who respected her, who protected her. Who had given her a life she never thought she would have. A life she never thought she was worthy of.

Jay Halstead was, and always would be, the best thing to ever happen to her life.

"Happy Anniversary." She says snuggling into him.

* * *

 _15 years later ..._

Jay watched from the window in their kitchen as his daughter sat outside with her friends, laughing at something one of them had said. He felt a sense of sadness today, knowing his daughter was yet another year older, and another year closer to leaving him.

"Hey." Erin said softly, standing next to him "How you holding up?"

Jay sighed sadly "Our little girl is 16 today. It feels like just yesterday, Laura was handing her to us for the first time, telling her she was our daughter. Pretty soon she'll be leaving us."

"She's still got a good few years before she leaves anywhere. And no matter where she goes, she'll always be your little girl." Erin says.

"I know, it's just … I think about when she used to make me check under her bed for monsters, or when she used to crawl into bed with us in the morning. When George Thompson made fun of her for being adopted, and she cried in my arms and asked me to make it all better." Jay stops for a moment, trying to reign in her emotions "Those moments are all fading, she doesn't need us as much anymore. And soon enough, she'll have someone else to comfort her, to help her through the hard times. I want her to grow up to be a strong, independent young woman. But it's hard letting go."

"I know it's hard babe. But just because she's growing up, doesn't mean she won't ever need us. We're her parents, she's always going to have us whether she likes it or not. It's part of the deal." Erin chuckles.

Jay laughs at that too, smiling down at his wife "I know you're right, it's just a hard day."

Erin smiles in understanding; Jay and Emma had a special bond. She was their child, and he had always been protective of her, moreso than Evie or Jamie. Emma had always been the strongest, but also the most vulnerable of their children. She wore her heart on her sleeve, and loved firecely. But it also made her an easy target when people wanted to manipulate her, or bully her. It made Jay fiercely protective of her, and Erin knew it was why he was having such a hard time accepting the fact that his baby girl was able to protect herself now.

Jay and Erin watched as Emma's friends went to get a drink and some snacks, leaving their daughter alone with her friend Sam. Erin and Jay were both well aware of Emma's crush on her friend, and while it made Jay even more upset at the thought of his daughter growing up even more, he was glad that Emma had fallen for a genuine and kind young girl like Sam.

"You think Em's finally going to ask her out?" Erin asks.

Jay shrugs "When it comes to that girl, I never know what she's going to do. One day she's sitting in the car telling me that she's going to ask Sam out. Then I pick her up from school and she's done a complete 360, and is telling me she's never asking Sam out because she'd be crazy to risk her friendship."

"That's our girl, ever the over-thinker." Erin sighs "She's so scared of hurting someone else, or taking a risk. I don't think she ever considers herself first."

"It's one of her best qualities; her heart for others." Jay smiles proudly "She got that from you."

Erin blushes at her husband's compliment "I think when it comes to that, she got a good combination of both her parents."

…

"Hey daddy." Emma said as she walked into the living room later that night.

"Hey bug, did you enjoy your party?" Jay asks.

Emma nods her head in response, sitting next to her dad as he opens his arm to allow her to cuddle into his side.

"Everyone's parents picked them up?" Jay asked. The Intelligence Unit and their families were the only ones left, helping to clean up outside while their children and Jay and Erin's younger kids all played together upstairs.

"Almost." Emma replies, Jay following her as she looked into the kitchen to see Sam and Erin cleaning the dishes.

Jay smiles as he sees the look on his daughter's face "You should talk to her, tell her how you feel."

"Dad." Emma says nervously "I can't. What if she says no? What if she doesn't think of me like _that_?"

"Em … You can't live your whole life worrying about the risks. If I thought about everything that could possibly go wrong when your mum and I first started dating, we never would've had the life we've had so far. If I was too scared to go against your Grandpa Hank, your mum and I never would've ended up here. And here is pretty damn amazing. It's what got me you."

Jay taps Emma's nose and she grants him a shy smile, Jay's heart warming at the site "Take a chance bug, you'll never know unless you try."

"Emma, Sam's parents are on their way. Do you guys want to hang outside and wait for them? Your Dad and I can finish up the dishes." Erin says as she and Sam walk into the room.

Emma looks up at Jay, who gives her a small nod, before agreeing and walking out the front door with Sam to wait for her parents.

"And how are you doing? Still miserable about our daughter growing up?" Erin sits on the coffee table across from him.

"Well, she didn't get any tattoos like you predicted, so I'm alright for now." Jay jokes.

"Is Em alright? She seemed off when I spoke to her earlier." Erin asks concerned.

Jay beams as he thinks about their conversation "She just needed some advice. She's going to be okay. I guess she still needs us after all."

…

"So, have you finished the English assignment Miss Williams set?" Emma asks as she and Sam sit on the porch swing of Jay and Erin's house.

"Almost, I have a couple more paragraphs to do. I got distracted with my art project, I think you're going to like it. It's got this-"

"I like you." Emma's eyes widen, her brain catching up with her mouth and the realisation of what she's said setting in "I- Uh, I mean- I like you, a lot. And you're my best friend, I don't want this to be weird but-"

"I like you too." Sam says softly, a shy smile gracing her lips.

"Really?" Emma asks surprised.

"Yeah." Sam says "I was going to ask you earlier, but I wasn't sure you'd say yes. Do you want to come with me to this art exhibit this Saturday? I worked on some of the pieces with a friend of mine, and I really wanted you to see them."

"I'd really like that." Emma smiles.

Sam's eyes catch hers, and the butterflies grow in Emma's stomach as they both lean in slowly. Emma closes her eyes, feeling the other girls' lips grazing hers.

The sound of a car horn pulls them apart early, Emma's eyes opening wide as Sam pulls back quickly, startled. They turn to see Sam's mum waving her hand out the car and both laugh awkwardly.

Emma and Sam stand up, walking to the front porch steps.

"I, um … I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow?" Sam says nervously.

Emma smiles softly "Yeah, I'll see you then."

Sam looks from her mum's car back to Emma, weighing her choices. Emma looks on confused, about to ask why the other girl hasn't moved, when Sam's hands suddenly come up to the side of her arms. She holds Emma in place before leaning in and pressing a quick but firm kiss against her lips. Emma stands in shock, caught off guard before smiling at the other girl. Sam smiles back at her and leans in to give her another kiss before she's running off to her mother's car, leaving Emma in a daze.

Emma stands outside for a few moments, revelling in the moment of her first kiss, before walking back into the house.

"You alright bug?" Erin asks as Emma walks in, her daughter seeming to be in another world completely.

Emma breaks out of her thoughts, blushing at her parents "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Everything go well?" Jay says with a smirk at his daughter, referencing their talk from earlier.

Emma smiles at her father "You were right Dad, sometimes it's worth taking a risk."

* * *

 _18 years later..._

"Promise me you guys aren't going to embarass me." Emma pleads as she stands in the kitchen while her parents cook dinner.

"How would we embarrass you?" Erin asks sarcastically "Just because your Dad searched her name through the police database, and I got some patrolmen to scope out her apartment-"

"Mama, please." Emma whines "I get you think your jokes are cute, but I'm not feeling it today."

"Em, relax." Jay says looking over his shoulder at his daughter "We'll have dinner, we'll get to know her, I'll take her out in the backyard and have a chat about her intentions. Nothing scary."

Emma groans, rolling her eyes at her parents "Surely it's not too late to cancel."

"I don't get why you're so nervous." Jamie says as he walks into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of juice from the fridge "You're acting like we've never met your girlfriends before. At least this one isn't a nutcase like that other chick."

"She was not a nut case!" Emma exclaims.

"Well…" Jay trails off, smirking at his daughter "She did want to get a tattoo of your names on each other's chest after the first month."

"That doesn't make her crazy! She was just … more invested in the relationship than I was." Emma shrugs "Besides, Ava's different. I really care about her, otherwise I wouldn't be bringing her to dinner tonight. _Please_ , promise me you're not going to scare her."

Erin smiles sympathetically, feeling bad for teasing her daughter so much. She sets down the knife she was using to chop the ingredients for dinner and walks over to Emma, wrapping her arms around her daughter.

"Emma, it's just dinner. It's going to be fine. We're not going to do anything that we wouldn't normally do. I promise, no scare tactics. No interrogations. Just a nice, normal family dinner." Erin says kissing her daughter's head "You need to calm yourself down."

Emma nods, taking a deep breath, looking up at her mother "Thanks."

"Anytime bug." She says softly, tapping her daughter's nose.

Emma groans once more "No calling me 'bug' in front of her, that's so embarrassing!"

…

The Halstead family sat in the living room later that night, Ava seated next to Emma on the couch as they all made casual conversation. Dinner had gone smoothly, and Erin and Jay had both noticed the way their daughter instantly relaxed around her girlfriend, her smile brightening the moment she saw her.

Evie was in the middle of retelling a story about the three children with their grandpa Hank to Ava. Erin felt her heart ache a little at the memory; it was times like these she missed Hank. He had passed away two years ago, and while Erin healed for the most part, she always found herself missing her father during the big moments in her children's lives. He would've loved to have met Ava, and to see Emma so happy.

"So, Ava, you're studying to be a doctor?" Erin asks.

Ava nods "I'm hoping to study the next few years at this medical school in London; they have an amazing program but it's super-competitive, and extremely hard to get into. So I've started my first year of Medical science here in Chicago, and then hopefully I can transfer over once I get my GPA up."

"London?" Jay questions "That's a big decision. Won't it be hard for you to be away from your family, not to mention handling a long-distance relationship?"

"Dad." Emma says lowly, her voice a warning to her father.

Ava places her hand on top of Emma's, squeezing tightly "It will be, but it's my dream. I've wanted to do this since I was a kid, and Emma understands that. We've already talked about how we'd work around it, and it's not even guaranteed that I'll be going yet. But I'd do whatever it takes to make it work.

Jay gives a small smile, impressed with the fact that she seemed unfazed by his questions. He had learnt a lot about Ava Johnson the past two hours that she'd been in his house; And he had to admit that he was genuinely fond of the young woman, and from what he had seen of how she treated his daughter, she was a good girlfriend.

"So the one thing I have yet to find out, is how did you two meet? Medical Science is a bit of a stretch from Human Rights Law."

Emma smiles, remembering the day she and Ava first met "It was probably the most cliche meeting ever. I was running late for class because I had to drop Jamie off to school for you, and he had woken up late. I wasn't looking where I was going when I got out of the car and I collided straight into her."

"She spilled my coffee all over me, she was so flustered. She grabbed a handful of tissues from her bag and started wiping at my shirt, apologising and offering to pay for my dry-cleaning. It took her a full three minutes of grovelling before she realised she was practically groping me trying to clean the coffee off my shirt." Ava chuckled.

"Oh that was all part of my master plan babe. Had to get a good look at the merchandise before I decided to try it out." Emma smirks at her girlfriend, Ava blushing slightly.

Erin coughs loudly, breaking the two out of their bubble "There are some things the rest of us don't need to hear."

Emma giggles nervously, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear "Sorry. Anyways, she helped me pick up my books which I had dropped, and introduced herself to me. I insisted we exchange numbers so I could figure out a way to pay her for the dry-cleaning for her shirt. We started texting and calling each other, and had a couple of lunches and evening coffee talks together, before she asked me out. And now here we are."

"That's so cute!" Evie perks up from her spot on the floor, leaning against the couch her parents are sitting on "I want to start dating."

"No dating." Jay snaps.

"Oh come on babe, she's 15." Erin says "Weren't you and Ally practically engaged by then?"

Jay rolls his eyes "She's too young."

"Come on Dad, let the kid have some fun. She's barely a year younger than I was when you told me to go for it with Sam, and we ended up dating for a year and a half." Emma points out

"That was different." Jay argues.

"Why? Because I was dating women?" Emma snaps.

"No, because you were more mature at this age." Jay says.

Evie scoffs "What? So because you still treat me like I'm five years old, I'm not allowed to date, when Emma already had her first girlfriend around this time?"

"Evie, it's not like that…" Erin says, trying to help her husband out of the hole he's dug himself.

"Whatever." Evie mutters, before getting up and storming upstairs into her room.

"Dammit." Jay sighs "I better go talk to her."

"I got this one, you calm yourself down. And ease up on the dating thing, will you?" Erin says, kissing Jay's cheek before heading upstairs after their daughter.

Jay stares out the window, lost in his thoughts as Jamie talks to Ava and Emma. Why was he having so much trouble with letting Evie date? He hadn't been this way with Emma; sure he was uncomfortable with it, but he knew she was smart enough to make the right choices, and she would always ask him or Erin for advice whenever she needed it, which was often during her dating life.

Evie was more independent. She didn't rely on Jay as much, or ask him for his help. And while Jay was glad he was raising such a self-sufficient young woman, it saddened him to know that her starting to date meant he was losing her that little bit more. It was something he'd never get used to, no matter how old his children got. He'd never be able to come to terms with letting them grow up.

"So how does it work with two girls?" Jamie's question breaks Jay out of his trance "We're learning about the anatomy in Physical Health right now, and Mr Collins says a man and a woman-"

"Jamie!" Jay exclaims "It's past your bedtime."

Jamie frowns "It's only 9 o'clock Dad, Mum said I could stay up later because Emma was bringing her girlfriend over."

"I don't care what your mother said, go and get ready for bed please." Jay says, seeing the embarrassed look on his daughter's face.

Jay stands up, leading his son to the stairs and making sure he went upstairs before coming and sitting back down across from Ava and Emma.

"He's always been curious." Emma laughs awkwardly "I guess I shouldn't be that surprised by it."

"... He makes a good point though Em. I know we haven't really talked about it before, but you guys are being safe, right?"

"Dad!" Emma exclaims.

Jay holds his hands up in defence "I'm just saying! I know what it's like when you lead with your hormones and not your head-"

"I _so_ do not need to hear this about my own father." Emma groans, dropping her head to Ava's shaking shoulder "Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry! It's just too good. I can't believe I was so nervous about meeting your folks, they're awesome."

Jay gives them a cocky look "Well I'm glad someone finally realised it."

"Careful sweetie, your ego is starting to suffocate me again." Erin says entering the room "You might need to sleep on the couch so I have room to breathe."

Emma laughs at her Dad's expense, high-fiving her mum as she walks back to the couch to sit next to Jay.

"There's too many damn women in this house, I never stand a chance." Jay grumbles.

"You wanted daughters Halstead. Careful what you wish for." Erin kisses his cheek as she sits down next to him.

Jay looks over at Ava and Emma, who are lost in their own world once more. He sees Ava kiss Emma's cheek, and the way his daughter's eyes brighten and her smile widens. She's in love, and it's beautiful to see. And Jay knows in that moment, This woman going to be someone very special in his daughter's life.

"I wouldn't change it for the world." Jay whispers smiling down at Erin "Our daughters are pretty great."

"All our kids are." Erin says in agreement "Evie's okay, by the way. I told her you changed your mind. Turns out she's already got a date for next week."

"WHAT!?"

* * *

 _20 years later…_

Erin watched sadly as her children swam around in the lake at Wisconsin. She smiled as Evie and her boyfriend Jake tried to dunk each other, Jamie squirting his water gun at everyone within reach. Emma and Ava were in their own world, as per usual, arms wrapped around one another as they moved around in the water.

They had come to the cabin for one last trip together as a family, before they were distanced halfway across the world from one another. Erin and Jay, now in their early 50s, had moved out of the Intelligence Unit, their current jobs making it a lot easier for them to take the days off that they needed for the trip; Erin now helped oversee the training of the officers at the Police Academy, and Jay worked with the professional counsellor in the 21st District to run private and group therapy sessions for police officers suffering from PTSD.

"How is my wife doing today?" Jay asks as he walks up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Erin leans into him, her head falling back a little to rest on his shoulder "Sad. It's a big day." she sniffles.

"Babe, you promised her no tears." Jay chuckles softly "I knew that was a bad idea."

"She can't see me, it's fine." Erin says with a wave of her hand "I can't believe she's leaving us. All our kids are almost grown."

Her children had grown up so much; Jamie was almost 12, set to start high school next year. He had fallen in love with sport, taking on his father's love of hockey, and reading - which Erin and Jay had both been pleasantly surprised by. Evie was their artistic one; she loved performing arts, and writing stories. She was loud and outspoken but still resepectful and caring towards everyone. Emma had become immersed in social justice; finishing her Human Rights Law studies within a year early, she was involved in many different activist groups and social outreach programs. The three of them were the best children that Jay and Erin could have asked for.

"I thought I was the emotional one." Jay mutters, earning him an elbow to the stomach from Erin "Ouch! Erin, you're the one who helped her make the decision. You practically told her to leave."

"I know I did. And I know it's the right decision. I'm just going to miss her; she's still my baby, she always will be." Erin sighs.

"It's going to be okay Erin, Emma's going to be happy. And we'll be happy because of that. You saw how miserable she was this past year without Ava."

"That night … it broke my heart." Erin says sadly.

 _Erin woke suddenly, the knocking on her front door startling her. As quietly as she could, she headed downstairs to see who was there, not wanting to wake her family. She opened the door, ready to yell at whichever presumably drunken idiot was knocking her door down so early in the morning, only to be met with the face of her daughter._

" _Em? It's 3 o'clock in the morning. Is everything okay?" She said, eyeing her daughter's red eyes and puffy cheeks, a sure sign she had been crying._

" _I just … I needed someone to talk to." Emma says, her voice breaking "Can I come in?"_

" _Of course, let's go in the kitchen." Erin said, wrapping her arm around her daughter and leading her inside._

 _She sat Emma down at the dining table, quickly grabbing a glass of water for each of them before sitting down next to her. Emma smiled gratefully, taking the glass from her mother and having a few small sips to aid her throat, dry from all the crying she had been doing prior to driving to her parents home._

" _I'm sorry to bother you. I didn't wake Ev or Jamie did I?" Emma asks._

 _Erin shakes her head "Everyone's still sleeping. Now, you gonna tell me what's wrong?"_

 _Emma's quiet for a moment before looking back up at Erin "I miss her mum. It's been 10 months, and I'm miserable. The apartment's so empty without her. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."_

" _Have you spoken to Ava about how you're feeling? Maybe if she knew, she could figure out a way to be here more." Erin offers._

" _Actually, she already has an idea." Emma says "She wants me to move to London with her until she finishes her course."_

…

It was later that night, and the family were all gathered around for dinner. Jay sat at the head of the table, watching his kids all conversing, trying to listen and partake in each discussion. Evie and Jake were talking with Jamie about a monster truck show he wanted to go to that Erin was against because she thought it was too violent and would give him the wrong impression about driving. Emma and Ava were seated next to one another, Emma sitting next to Jay and across from Erin while she and her mum discussed the details of her trip and the sightseeing she and Emma had planned.

Jay smiled as he watched Emma; she had grown up so much, and had become such a smart, independent young woman. She cared so much for others and he was so proud that he had a role in making her the woman she was today. It still felt surreal that in a matter of hours, she would be leaving him and travelling halfway around the world to build a life with the woman she loved.

He was overwhelmed with pride and sadness all at once, knowing that his daughter was doing the right thing, but that it involved leaving him.

" _Daddy?" Emma's quiet voice broke the silence of the living room._

 _Jay sat up from his position on the couch, muting the documentary that was playing "Hi bug, what are you doing up?"_

" _I had a bad dream. They came and took me from you and Mama." Emma says sadly._

 _Jay opens his arms and Emma makes her way to her Dad, letting him lift her up onto his lap and rocking the five-year-old back and forth in his arms._

" _Nobody's going to take you from us baby, you're safe here." Jay whispers kissing her hair "Do you want to sit and watch tv with me?"_

" _Can we watch Dora?" Emma said hopefully._

 _Jay chuckled softly "Dora's asleep right now, but we can watch a show about the animals."_

" _Okay." Emma says snuggling further into her Dad._

 _Jay lies back down and lets Emma lay on top of him, her head resting comfortably on his chest. They lay in content, watching the giraffes on the screen as Jay rubs his daughter's back slowly in an attempt to lull her back to sleep._

" _Daddy?" Emma asks once more "How come you was awake?"_

 _Jay stilled for a moment, contemplating what to say. How do you explain PTSD to a five-year-old? How do you tell her that the screams of your friends as they were tortured and killed in front of you, still haunts you in your sleep?_

" _Sometimes Daddy has bad dreams too." He says simply._

 _Emma lifts her head, looking up at Jay and giving him a small smile "I'll keep you company then too Daddy, I won't leave you."_

 _Jay's heart warms at his daughter's words "Thanks bug. Now, how about we try to go to sleep? We can protect each other from the bad dreams."_

" _Okay." Emma says tiredly "Love you."_

" _I love you too, bug."_

"Dad?" Emma asked as she walked into the kitchen "Are you okay?"

Jay nodded as he scrubbed the plate in his hands "I'm alright."

Emma stood next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder "You can't lie to me old man?"

"Who you calling old man?" He scoffs "I'm barely 50 sweetheart."

"Dad. Stop deflecting." Emma says.

Jay smiles "It's nothing bug. I'm gonna miss you, that's all."

"Dad, I'm coming back. It's only a few years." Emma says sympathetically.

"I know, I just can't stop thinking about it. I know you're doing what you need to do Emma. It's just hard, I never thought we'd be this far apart, ever. You're my little girl, it's just going to take some time to get used to."

"I love you, you know that right? No amount of distance is going to change the fact that you're my father." Emma says.

Jay smiles, his cheeks heating up at his daughter's unexpected compliment "I love you too, bug. And I am happy for you. Please know that."

"I do Dad." Emma says "Thanks for being there for me."

"Always." Jay whispers kissing the top of her head.

…

Erin held back tears as she watched Jay place Emma's suitcase into the car. Emma and Ava stand a few feet away, saying their goodbyes to Evie and Jamie, promising to call and text them as much as they can and to try and visit in time for Evie's graduation in ten months.

"I'll video call you guys when we reach the house, okay? I'll show you around Ev. Make sure you take the time to appreciate this year, okay? It's the last time you'll get to experience high school. Spend time with you friends and family, and make sure you call me if you ever need anything. I'll always be there if you need me, okay?" Emma says holding her little sister tightly to her, pulling Jamie into her other side "You keep me up to date on all the drama in high school, okay? And make sure you keep reading; I know you're smart Jame, don't get too distracted by girls, or parties and that crap. It can wait, okay?"

Jamie nods his head against Emma's side "I'm gonna miss you bug."

"I'll miss you, peanut." Emma smiles "You too, chickie."

"Don't forget us." Evie says quietly.

"Never. I'll be back in a few years. I have to do this Evie, you know that right?"

Evie nods "I know, it just sucks you're so far away."

"I'm never far Emma, I'll always be right here." Emma says pointing to Evie's chest over her heart.

"You ready?" Jay asks standing beside Erin.

"No, but we have to." Erin says "It's time."

"You're not going to start crying are you?" Ava says walking up to Erin and Jay "You were doing so well."

Erin chuckles softly, reaching forward and pulling Ava into a hug "I'm going to miss you guys."

"Me too." Ava whispers, letting go of Erin and turning towards Jay.

"Take care of my girl, or I'll hurt you." Jay jokes.

"I love her too much to ever do that." Ava promises.

"You're a good woman Ava, I'm glad she found you." Jay says pulling back from her, enjoying the blush filling the woman's cheeks. It's not often that she gets embarrassed.

"Alright, get off my girlfriend, you got your own woman." Emma says pulling Ava to her.

"She's pretty great." Jay smirks pulling Erin into his side, kissing her hard.

"Ugh, can you not? I can feel my breakfast coming up." Evie sighs dramatically.

Jay rolls his eyes "We're the reason you exist Chickie, so I'm going to kiss your mother as much as I would like."

"Anyways…" Emma says, diverting the attention back to her "We should get going."

Emma walks towards her father, letting Jay's arms engulf her and resting her head on his chest. Jay held her tightly, not wanting to let go. Ever.

"I love you Daddy." Emma says quietly.

"I love you too Emma. Be safe, have an amazing time. Make sure you call okay?"

"I promise." Erin says turning to see her mother "You ready?"

"No." Erin sniffles hugging Emma "I don't want you to go."

"Mama…"

Erin sighs "I know, you have to. It's the right thing to do, I stand by what I said to you that first night Em."

" _Actually, she already has an idea." Emma says "She wants me to move to London with her until she finishes her course."_

" _Oh." Erin says, shock filling her at the thought of losing her daughter for the next four years._

" _It's not even possible. I mean, I have you guys to think about. Evie's going to be graduating next year, and Jamie's starting high school." Emma argues with herself, Erin listening on "It's completely ridiculous, she knows I can't do that! You and Dad need me here, I can't just pick up and leave because the love of my life is halfway across the country. Right?"_

 _Erin's quiet now, and Emma knows her mother is refraining from saying what she wants to "Say it. I know you got something in your head there you want to get out." Emma chuckles softly._

 _Erin smiles sympathetically at her daughter "I was just thinking about when I had to make a similar choice. And I chose my career, over the love of my life."_

 _Emma knows exactly where her mother's going with this "You and Dad made it though. So, Ava and I can too, right?"_

" _You could." Erin agrees "But, I was actually going to say that … Maybe you shouldn't in my footsteps."_

" _Wait, you want me to leave?" Emma asks surprised._

" _No, of course not!" Erin rushes out, reaching out her hand to hold Emma's "I would miss you so much bug, you know I would. What I'm trying to say is that I can't make the decision for you, but I can tell you what I think of my own choice."_

" _And what is that?" Emma asks desperately, needing some clarity over the situation she's currently in._

" _While your Dad and I have the most amazing life together_ _ **now**_ _, it also took us a long time to get here. We've both spent the better half of 20 years regretting the fact that we let one another go; That I didn't stay and fight for him, that he didn't tell me how he felt before it was too late, that we didn't try and make an effort to maintain a relationship while we were apart. There was so much emotional trauma that we both had to work through before we found our way back to one another, so much pain that could've been avoided if we had just taken the risk._

 _And maybe if we had, we would've started our life together earlier, and maybe you would've gotten the big family that you were always begging me for as a little girl."_

" _Mama…" Emma says sadly at the look on Erin's face._

" _Your father and I can give you all the advice in the world, Emma. But at the end of the day you're the one who has to decide if your relationship is worth the risk. Don't be scared of what the future could hold, because either way you don't know anything for sure. But from my perspective, I think that love is something you should fight for. And I wish I had realized that earlier in life."_

"Mum, the only reason I even thought I could do this in the first place, is because of you and Dad. You were right, Ava and I may make it through the long-distance, but maybe our life can start sooner if we're together now. I don't want to be away from her anymore, it's too hard."

"I know." Erin sighs, remembering her time apart from Jay "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy Em, that's all I've ever wanted for you."

"I am happy Mum." Emma smiles.

"Babe, we gotta go. We're gonna miss out flight." Ava says softly.

"Okay. Emma sighs, hugging her mother once more "I love you. Thank you, for everything."

"Of course Em, that's what I'm here for." Erin says "I love you too."

Erin relishes the moment for a few more seconds, pulling away and wiping at her tears "Okay, you gotta go. Be safe, let me know when you land."

"Okay." Emma smiles "I love you guys."

"We love you too, bug." Jay says softly, pulling Erin into his side.

"Bye." Emma says.

Erin smiles sadly "Bye."

Ava and Emma get into the car, Erin and Jay watching as they drive off, Emma sticking her head out the window and waving back until the car fades into the distance.

"She's gone." Erin says sadly.

Jay looks down at her "She'll be back. She's chasing her future Erin, that's not a bad thing. It's what we always encouraged her to do; to take a risk."

Emma smiles softly up at him "I love you, Jay. I'm thankful for you, everyday. Thank you for building this life with me. I know it was a hard journey, but-"

"We got there in the end." Jay finishes her sentence "I don't regret any of it Erin, and I'm glad Emma is going to have the love that we share. It's good."

"It's perfect." Erin says, placing a tender kiss on his cheek.

Jay smiles, kissing her again "Perfect."

" _You Were Good,_

 _You Were Good,_

 _Then You Were Gone."_

 **A/N: Wow, I can't believe we've reached the end! I don't know how I feel about the very ending of this but the story felt good for me.**

 **I used the whole '1 year from now, 2 years from now, 20 years from now' scene because - despite it being deleted - it's still one of my favourites for Linstead. And it helped the story to come full circle for me; I wanted to try and integrate the beginning of this story - Jay and Erin being apart because they chose to not fight for one another - to the ending with Emma choosing a different path than the one her parents originally chose to do. They made their way in the end, but it could've been different if Erin and Jay had fought for their relationship from the beginning.**

 **Reviews are greatly appreciated so, for the last time, please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

 **Thank you so much to all of you for reading this story, and making me enjoy writing every chapter! Your reviews are everything and the interest in this story is the greatest feeling in the world.**

 **Your continuous support has meant so much to me, I can't wait to show you all the one-shot sequel series I have planned…!**

 **Maddie :)**


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